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Jersey Shore Recap: The Many Phases of Pauly D’s Hair (Wet Curls FTW)
Dear God. What in the hell happened to Jersey Shore? Remember when MTV decided to do 4 seasons of The Osbourne’s and towards the end even nuns would yawn at the all the swearing and illegal drugs use? Well this is same/same…but with tans. This was, literally, the longest hour of my life. Just when I thought there was only 20 minutes left I realized I was only 11 minutes deep. Nevertheless, let’s give this the old college try. Eh, make that the old “community college try” and I won’t put much effort into this and crap out half way through.
In case you all forgot, Vinny died. Yup, dead. Dirt nap. Staten Island dirt nap. Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is left with having to tell all of his oddly orange and pleasantly plump friends that Vinny is now with Jesus. I’m kidding. With Satan. Most of the cast could barely care as they’re dancing their fat asses off at Karma. The one with the fattest ass, VaDeena, is taking the news of Vinny’s passing like someone just told her they forgot to add the extra provolone cheese to her chicken parm sub. Clearly, tears were involved. VaDeena does her best crying whilst in a dirty bathroom stall all while JWoww tries to calm her down and pull the dress back over VaDeena’s backside FUPA. I’m not quite sure what that is but, well, it’s late and this sucks. Just like Snooki after unprotected sex and a 6 pack of peach wine coolers.
I’m don’t fully understand why the camera crew is following Vinny all the way home because it’s dumb. His mother, who again is most likely Joy Behar, just hugs him and keeps saying “good? good. good? good.” I thought she was supposed to say, “so what? who cares?!” Most importantly there is all wood paneling inside his family home and asbestos shingles on the outside. Basically it’s a carbon copy of Pedophile Manor back in the Jersey Shore. I have to admit that I’m glad that Vinny is safe at home and not dead like I originally thought. I hope he gets a good night sleep and some mental rest. Moreover (bonus points for using that term), I hope he uses his mom’s fluffy perm as a pillow and her drooping bosom as a blanket. What? You know you hope those things too. You do hope those things too, right? Riiiight?
Later all the normal crap happens where Snooki and VaDeena get dressed up like midget whores and decide to go day-drinking. I’m sorry, I never promote eating disorders but after looking at these two trying to pour themselves into their mini-skirts I have to admit a couple of games of “Whoops I almost swallowed my toothbrush” certainly wouldn’t hurt their girlish figures. Snooki gets so drunk that VaDeena needs to check with her to make sure she can still walk. I think technically she should have asked her if she could still waddle, but why split weave hairs at this point. I may have lapsed into a coma for a spell, but when I came to Team Meatball was having a dance-off with a bunch of tweens. They were dancing like they were hookers-in-waiting and their pimp was waiting to collect. Hit me again, Ike! Seriously they were bending over, humping each other, humping the tweens, humping the ground, humping imaginary dancers. To sum up, there was a lot of humping going on. They finish their seizure-like dance-off by both falling on the ground with their vagiolas in the air and then going home. You see, the people of Jersey can simply take no more.
The “girls” stay home long enough to literally rip the weave out of VaDeena’s head. Due to all the humping, VaDeena’s weave is in knots, as is my stomach from watching good old sausage arms trying to dance “sexy.” Luckily Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is there to help free VaDeena’s rotting-bed-bug-infested weave from her scalp. For reasons unbeknownst to me, they place all the weave strands into a half-filled bathtub. Clearly, this is the secret ingredient in a customary Douche Bag Stew. Add bronzer for additional flavoring and then just let it simmer for about an hour.
Sidenote: It was good to see The Unit again even it was just for a few seconds before he got into a fight at “da club” and got thrown out. It was good to see him because it was enough time for me to finally realize that he 100% has Kramer’s hair. I know I feel better now.
It must be everyone’s lucky night because everyone is bring home the garbage from the club. Pauly D brings home some Bosnian chick who keeps talking about Grilled Cheese sandwiches for breakfast. I’m not sure why I capitalized that but I’m leaving it. Grandpa Sitch brought home that girl who looks like she was, and still is, being molested by her step-daddy, and even our little VaDeena found the twin of some guy she kissed last season. She actually asks him what kind of guy he is and then she says, “I know I look like a nut case, but I’m a really nice girl.” She should have said, “I know I look like your Italian Nonni in a housecoat, but I’m getting bank for this sh*t.” Apparently the Bosnian chick doesn’t want to bang Pauly D and after she suggests they “talk” in his bedroom he immediately calls her a cab. He should have called INS. After she leaves she comes back about 5 minutes later saying she doesn’t want to go home and, instead, would like to see Grandpa Sitch. That’s nice. And creepy. I used to think so highly of Bosnia before this and now, well, now I’m not so sure. I’m kidding. I didn’t even know Bosnia was a real place. I thought that was the place that Harry Potter learned his magic. I’m kidding. I’ve never read nor seen Harry Potter movies. Clearly, I know Bosnia was the name of the girl from Destiny’s Child that got kicked out right before Beyonce decided to just keep the group at 3. Duh.
The rest of this blogging death sentence consists of Pauly D’s and Grandpa Sitch’s birthday. They’re both now legally able to take Centrum Silver. Centrum Silver: Because It’s Great to Be Silver! Pauly D’s whole family surprises him at Pedophile Manor and his mom brings a birthday gift for him which is, of course, his barber. Thank God because I was thinking Pauly D was starting to look like Kid from Kid-n-Play. It is 100% insane how Pauly D looks like a completely different person when he’s wearing a black hair cape and has his hair wet, in curls, and held up by Snooki’s banana clips. Now you know I think Pauly D is the best thing to happen to this show and, well, society, but he literally looks like a woman when his hair is wet. At first I was like, “Aww that’s nice his mom is getting a perm right now, but when is it Pauly D’s turn? Oh.” Seconds later his hair is dry and matted down to his head and I am at a loss for words. It would be just like if I ever saw VaDeena say “no thank you” when offered a second helping. Awww. What did VaDeena ever do to me!?
In the end, Grandpa Sitch throws a hissy-b*tch-fit because everyone is making a big deal out of his birthday and not Sitch’s. Even the girls made a cake for Pauly D with white icing hair on it. Sitch is so upset that he slams the deck door and sits outside by himself whilst he uses his alien-like fingers to daintily dab the tears away from his eyes, careful to not smudge is make-up. I bet he would feel better if he could rest his head on Vinny’s mom’s fluffy perm and use her drooping bosom as a blanket. Try it.
Join me on Facebook if you want to talk about perming your hair. I have no idea, just join me.
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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IBBB Said,
Like this recap? Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s get to talking!
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Ole!
-IBBB
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KittyKat Said,
Blog = better than the crapisode.
Also, WTF was the creepy Bosnian wearing?!
I love how Sam (I forgot she was still on the show until this moment) was talking about Paula (Mike’s skank) and said she liked her because she didn’t give an EFF about what others thought. And that was quickly followed by, well, I think she’s a nasty dirty girl but ya know, she’s real. You go, Paula…do you!
I’m glad you pointed out how chunky to the monkey VaDeena is. Gotta love girls who think they’re crazy hot whilst being chubby.
Sitch is still creepy and “did the dip” twice. Solid. Does he really leave?!
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KittyKat Said,
Also, Pauly’s Baahbaah has the worst receding hair line I have seen in a while. And he’s balding but combs it back. Yikes.
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Brenda Walsh Said,
Thought Pauly’s excitement over his barber was adorbs, but was a bit taken aback when he announced that he was celebrating his 31st birthday. Um, what? Maybe we should start calling him Grandpa Pauly now? I thought Sitch was the only one over 25 in this house. Seriously, aren’t Ron and Sam like 22 or 23?
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Justlikehoneyboobooboo Said,
Believe it or not, Pauly D is the Grandpa of the crew. Here’s their ages:
Snooki – 23 years old (birthday: November 23, 1987)
JWOWW – 25 years old (birthday: February 27, 1986)
Vinny – 23 years old (birthday: November 11, 1987)
Sammi – 24 years old (birthday: March 14, 1987)
Ronnie – 25 years old (birthday: December 4, 1985)
Pauly – 31 years old (birthday: July 5, 1980)
Mike – 29 years old (birthday: July 4, 1982)
Deena – 24 years old (birthday: January 12, 1987) -
Andrew Said,
ALIEN-LIKE FINGERS!!! hahaha! Nailed it.
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Kelli Said,
I feel bad for calling him Grandpa Sitch and I’m older than he is.They would all call me Grandma.Wow!They all look older than they are.Rode hard and put away wet anyone?
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D Said,
You are not even going to mention that Snooki’s ass is falling out because she had *n*l sex?! bahahhahhaha
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Woot Said,
I know it’s crazy and I may get the herp, but I want to have crazy hot sex with Vinny. I may need antibotics after the smush session though. I just have this weird feeling he’s really great in bed..
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beth Said,
i’m glad i’m not the only one that thinks denna is a fatty. I cant say anything about snooks because shes started throwing up on the regular & now looks like a tooth pick broke in half. I love Pauly D. He is by far the only reason I stillwatch this show. Did anyone notice how grandpa sitch had a silver emblem that said “sitch” looped onto the front of his shoes with the shoe strings. I wonder if they are available in bubble gum machines. I’d like to get my dog one for his collar. I imagine if all the cast members had one they’d read as JWOW-”boobs”, Sammi-”whiny”, Ronnie-”steroids”, Pauly D- “cabs heahh”, Vinny-”anxiety” Snooki-”oompa loompa” Deena-”chubs”.
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KittyKat Said,
@woot. I also have quiet fantasies about Vinny and his lazy eye. Im not proud of it but damnit I can’t help my desires!
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Woot Said,
@KittyKat I know! Pauly D seems like a lazy ass, and Ronnie may kill me during roid rage. It’s something about Vinny that just gets me all hot and bothered! It was something about his anxiety woes that were extremely sexy!
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KittyKat Said,
Nothing like banging the anxiety woes out of a wonk eye!! Hah! Pauly has a killer body but he’s just too pretty.
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Woot Said,
@KittyKat I agree. Pauly D is actually quite handsome without the 5 tubes of hair gel in his hair. I don’t know why he likes that shit..
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Brenda Walsh Said,
Two lines that made me cringe in embarrassment last night:
Snooki, after being told that Vinny has left the house, is sad. Jionni asks her, what’s wrong? Snooki tells him Vinny is gone and his response is-”are you in love with him?” It was random, in the middle of a bar, and so, so pathetic.
Then, even more embarrassing, when he leaves the house in the morning Snooki casually kisses him and calls over her shoulder “I won’t cheat on you” just as someone would say “have a good day.” Awful, awful.
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feather Said,
Pretty sure when vinny got back home, him mom looked like she wanted to jump in bed with him. like, she seriously stood 5 inches from him caressing his chest. i was thoroughly creeped out & glad then cameras cut it off there because i have a feeling after they left, vinnys mom started man-handling him in his own childhood bed. Welcome home!!!
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Long time IBBB fan Said,
Woot and KittyKat just made my day. You know Pauly D doesn’t try too hard. That’s why the blowout is NEVER messed up afterward. The girls don’t have a problem just leaving afterward. They’re not impressed. Plus Sitch would only be in for himself and Ronnie might accidentally kill you (plus he’d be tiny. Isn’t that what roids does?). The clear winner is Vinny.
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Woot Said,
@Long time IBBB fan Oh I know Ronnie would kill me. Now that you point it out, Pauly D’s hair is never messed up after he has sex with random chicks. Either he’s lazy, or they leave after seeing his small pen. Vinny is my best bet. After I gave him a Paxil, I’m tearing his ass up!
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Gary's Huge Belly Said,
No No NO WOOT ..don’t give him a paxil before….give it to him after….paxil make mr happy not stand up I’ve been told LOL
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Woot Said,
@Gary’s Huge Belly OMG thanks! I do need it to work, or I won’t let him cry over his anxiety after..
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Barbara Ann Evans III Said,
Oh my lawwwd! High, high, high yawww all high! You only thing Vinny is better because he left and the rest of these guys are just nasty. I wish I didn’t know Pauly was that freakin’ old, grossss to be at that level of maturity still.
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Woot Said,
@Barbara Ann Evans III I agree! Grandpa Stitch looks like he has the herp, and I would’ve never assumed Pauly D was the oldest! Vinny knows he has a place inbetween my tits if he ever needs to talk. Wouldn’t it be funny if they actually read this blog?
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Natalie Said,
OMG you ladies are on the money today!! Remember “It was like trying to shove a watermelon into a pin hole”, from a couple seasons back? Vin is supposedly QUITE well endowded. And the fact that he is the Danny-From-New-Kids-On-The-Block just means he is willing to go that extra mile to please you!
Patrick, I thought for sure you would mention Snooki and Jwows conversation where Snooks blurted out something about her ass is protruding because she had a*al s*x!!! LMAO!! That girl is FUNNY.
VaDeena – She is legit funny too but someone please send her some pants! That was clearly just a SHIRT she wore on the meatball day out. I just started following her on Twitter and she has no shame! Just talks about how fun it was and how hungover she is all the time. Tsk tsk.
I busted out laughing when Jwow said to someones skank of the night “Well, aren’t you pretty?” She said it kinda sarcastically and you know she probably feels bad about these whores coming and going and she knows all the while the guy will never see them again. Well, no, she probably doesn’t feel bad at all.
Kramer Hair – LMAO and you are DEAD ON sir!!!
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dacabsarehere Said,
Vomit to all the people thinking about banging Vinny and his crippled eye. You do realize his wang was inside Snooki, right? I mean you might as welll go out and grab the homeless man’s weiner out of the garbage pale he’s keeping it warm in and slosh into your love pie. Yaccckers.
Elsewhere … all a snoozefest.
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Woot Said,
@Natalie You know Snooki could be pulling our legs, or she’s been with men like Ronnie. LOL poor Ronnie. I sure hope he has tongue action!
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Woot Said,
I have no shame when it comes to wanting to bang Vinny. At least he’s the smartest one out of the group.
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Janet's 'stache Said,
“Aww that’s nice his mom is getting a perm right now, but when is it Pauly D’s turn? Oh.”
I love you.
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Erin Said,
@Natalie, I also laughed out loud when J.Woww said that to that girl. I love how she seems to just be “over it” at this point and kind of hates everyone. She is my favorite girl out of them all and I think she’s wicked funny.
and whoever mentioned what Sammi said about Paula, that was hilarious too. Such a backhanded compliment and so bitchy, but I loved it.
@Woot and KittyKat, I agree about Vinny! Obviously the fact that he had sex with Snooki kills it, but when comparing him to the other three, he is the obvious winner. I think you’re right about him being good in bed!
and to the commenter who pointed out about Pauly’s hair never being messed up, that is a great observation! I never would have thought of that, but it makes sense. I bet he is really lazy…or he just has a shit ton of hair gel and that thing is bulletproof.
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Zella Said,
Hahaha Snooki’s so full of it…as much as (I could only imagine) she’s been around, I’m sure she could easily fit anything up in there. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s actually shoved a watermelon in her “pinhole”.
However, I do believe Vinny really is well endowed and would be awesome in bed. But I also believe I’d catch the herps just standing next to him. It’s just not a risk I’d be willing to take.
Kramer hair. Hilarious! And completely dead on. Hahaha
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Ricky Said,
Deanna is not funny. MTV forced her on the audience. I am pretty sure no one likes her in the house. Whenever she says I word I just think shut up. You got brought in the third season and nobody cares what you think. I also watched a marathon of season 3 this weekend. I saw deanna on that and I am quite sure in just 1 calender year she has gained 15lbs and has gotten so uglier in the face. I am shocked she can look so gross in such a short period of time. She was not good before. Now she is puke worthy. Go away
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heynow221 Said,
I know i look like your nonna in a housecoat… LOL
actually yea, @Ricky Vadeena really is just extra, she’s GROSS i can’t stand when MTV offends us with scenes of her making out. I seriously turn my face away in disgust.I mean she’s a good person i suppose but she really ads no value to the show. and in the confessionals when she’s wearing ridiculous blue eyeshadow with red lipstick.. come on man!
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heynow221 Said,
@dacabsarehere Ditto on the vomit. Vinny is so goddamn boring I wasn’t able to remember his name until season 3. If i had to do any of them it would be Pauly, although I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I think Pauly D is into the D’s… he’s totally DTF (meaning dicks to f) … ‘nah mean???
He’s way too into Vinny and he never truly seems interested in ANY woman. He banged some girl in honor of Vinny, banged her in Vin’s bed.. I’m pretty sure he was envisioning Vin instead. COME OUTTA THE CLOSET PAULY WE’LL STILL LOVE YOU!!! xoxoxo -
Wastey Pants Said,
My favorite things in this crapisode:
1) Unnecessary product placement: Sammy snuggling with some Viva (TM) Brand paper towels.
2) Deena realizing she’s “not the smartest crayon in the box”
3) The Situation not realizing that houses are normally built on concrete slabs and therefore don’t have legs (the exception being those few built directly on a body of water). So the leg-less house analogy is kind of like saying you have a sleeveless snuggie.
4) Do the roommates not care that their living room doubles as a high top sneaker emporium? Put that shit in a closet where it belongs.
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whatthefudge Said,
That last screenshot of Pauly after his haircut is giving me a reeeal Jack Tripper from Three’s Company vibe …
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Odette Said,
Such good comments!!!! Fuckin funny. I too am embarrassed to admit that I think Vinny could be really hot in the sac/ smush room, but this whole I-want-my-mommy phase is killing it.
Re: Deena, omg homegirl needs a makeover so badly. Clown makeup + fried hair + lycra clothes for someone 3 times smaller is NOT cute!!!
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Leigh Said,
@WasteyPants–And Deena followed up the “I’m not the smartest crayon in the box” with “but it’s not rocket scientist”. Awesome. I think it is entirely possible that she’s just too dumb to realize her clothes are 4 sizes too small.
Pauly D is the hottest guy, hands down. I think his hair is actually bullet-proof, so that could explain why it’s never messed up after smashing. He is WAY too old to be acting the way he is, though. I mean, they all are, but once you hit 30…whoa.
Sitch just needs to leave. Go home, get off my TV.
Jenni’s been my favorite chick for awhile now, and even Sammi doesn’t irritate me anymore. I just hope this is the last season. I feel like I’ve put too much time in to stop watching now, but I don’t think I can handle another season of this sh*t.
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CrackinUp Said,
Has it been confirmed that this is the last season? I thought it was and im hoping it is! there is “nothing left to give” as Vinny would say. Seriously, there is absolutely nothing left for the producers to do with this series! its all scripted BS now half the time….
did anyone catch The Situation on Live with Kelly Rippa and whoever? He basically admitted that most of the storylines are scripted. Jeez, ya think?! -
KittyKat aka Chelsea's lip herp Said,
Lord I hope this is the last season. I almost fall asleep with this boring crap!
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hollywood Said,
I think that all any of us can really hope for in this crazy life is when we’re borderline suicidal and experiencing an anxiety induced panic attack, that we have friends who care enough to leave our sides to go get wasted at “da club” and later on go find a tatooed lady-of-the-evening to hump in our bed. That’s all I want.
