Toddlers and Tiaras: The One Where Fivel Mouskewitz’s B*tch Mother Comes to Life

I’m really starting to learn the ropes to the ultimate sh*t show that is Toddlers and Tiaras. Personally I think it should be called “Jon Benet’s Angels.” Either way, there’s a lot going on in this episode and by “a lot” I of course mean, “there’s a Russian mother named Marina that I am now obsessed with.” Marina, as we know, is Russian and the mother of Mia. Mia is a little 4 year old girl that I’m almost certain played Chrissy in “Growing Pains” and just never aged. Marina, of course, is the poor-mans Meryl Streep. And, because she’s from Russia, she also defaults to the poor-mans woman.  If you think she looks familiar to you, you’d be correct.  She can be seen in almost any black-and-white Russian photo of a woman wearing a kerchief and waiting in a long bread-line on the snowy streets of Moscow.  Sorry fellas, she’s taken! Thanks to the invention of the Internet she scooped up a man who was strictly looking for Russian women over the Internet. It was love at first sidewards winky face. Marina starts things off really nice and sweet. Sure she has barely mastered the English language and butchers such words that end in “ly” or are fancy and, you know, “plural.” She’ll make everyone look at Mia’s dress because it is so “sparkle.” Is it? Is it really? Marina’s husband may have thought that buying your wife via Paypal is a ticket to all the hot Russian sex you can handle for 15 easy installments of $1999.99, boy did Marina pull the “gotcha-gotcha” on him. You see, in turn for all “da sex” he’s now been roped into a world of pageants. Even worse, little girl pageants.

Mia is a real pro at modeling like a little girl who’s just years away for trading her mouth for meth.  She learns easy because her mother is patient, loving, and kind with her.  I’m joking. Of course she is horrible.  Marina says she’s competitive because she’s Russian and, well, if I knew anything about the Cold War, the Iron Curtain, and/or if Russia was still a country (state?) I’m sure I’d have a snappy joke inserted in there somewhere. Alas, I am bricks and always thought Social Studies was for kids who couldn’t read well and poor people.  Looks like I was right?  Either way, Marina (or Mama Mia as she called herself and then laughed in the camera like she’s seen her husbands penile again for the first time) makes sure to whore out Mia where ever she can.  She likes to find places where the audience can’t leave.  Since prisoners typically like to rape, Marina has settled on a nursing home.  Because at the end of the day people sh*tting their pants whilst yelling out “Bingo!” every time someone announces “B-5″ is really all the accolades you need as little girl with teeth similar to the monsters from the Quizzno’s commercials.  At the nursing home, the audience stares with fear in the eyes and hope in their heart that Jesus is calling them for sweet release.  Mia dresses like a Russian doll and runs around like she’s having karate-chopping-seizures on the regular.  When she’s done smoking from her scalp, the crowd claps and that one old guys continues his crusade to “look down” for the rest of his life wondering exactly which decade his junk stopped working.  The answer to that is always “the 50’s.”  Marina makes sure to kill her words by saying things to the crowd like, “No boo?” and “I hope you enjoy?”

It’s now time for pageant.  Apparently the theme is “Old Hollywood” so I’m assuming they’re talking about Lohan.  And there’s a grand prize of $10,000.  Sure that’s a decent amount of money, but these mothers from Texas are acting like if their daughter wins then they can sit home from work for the next 3 years and pay off their house.  I’m kidding.  Of course they don’t own homes.  There are a couple of other girls in this episode too.  I’m almost certain the two girls are the original members of Destiny’s Child who got the boot shortly after Bills, Bills, Bills.  One can’t stop sleeping and sneezing and the other one is actually pretty normal.  She’ll likely land a role as the next door neighbor or kid sister if/when they bring back the UPN and Moesha.  I’m praying both of those things happen, quickly.  One girl forgot her dance halfway through and you could immediately notice that her mother disowned her right then and there from the audience.  The other girl dressed up like a Gay Parade float and/or Nicki Minaj and kinda sang and kinda danced. Moving on.

Back to Mia.  This poor girl doesn’t have a chance with her b*tch of a mother.  Marina started to turn as soon as the host of the pageant cut down the time that Mia could be on stage.  She immediately started twitching and sniffing.  Seriously what was that?  She was sniffing like she suddenly smelled sh*t and then twitched like someone threw it in her eyes.  As if that wasn’t bad enough she apparently doesn’t allow Mia to see her favorite stuffed animal until pageant day.   This poor little girl suddenly sees her stuffed animal, Mischa, (because everything is Russian.  Everything.) sitting in the audience and just keeps hugging and kissing him.  She’s looking for love and acceptance from this bear since her mother is dead inside.  This will one day lead to promiscuous behavior.  I may not be a psychologist, but I’m pretty sure watching hundreds of thousands of hours of reality television qualifies me to make statements like that.f   Anyway, after the judge cut off Mia on stage Marina loses her mind, screams in a horrific accent, storms out of the “conference hall” and tells her husbands that everyone hates Mia.  “They hates her, they hates her!” Since Mia was born with “ears” she can hear her mother say this and she books it out of the hotel room and shakes in the corner of the hallway.  Like Forest Gump, and with similar intelligence levels, she should have just kept on r-u-n-n-i-n-g.

Leading by good example, Marina keeps telling Mia that she should quit because “it’s over forever” and “surprise you lose.”  Awww, save some of it for the congratulations Hallmark card!  The husband finally convinces Marina to let Mia finish the dumb pageant and this consists of bringing out a wicker table.  Of course she makes it in time for the “celebrity fashion” portion in which everyone basically dresses up like Shirley Temple.  One girl does 10 seconds of Good Ship Lollipop and then, literally, starts doing Beyonce booty-boucnes.  All pedophiles please rains both hands above your head.  Thank you for complying.  In the end, Mia loses her sh*t because she knows she isn’t winning the $10K and Marina sits outside the whole time because she’s a horrific, terrible person.  Mia does win $500 and decides she’ll go to Sea World with her winnings.  Marina will barely look at her.  Perhaps Mia should take a portion of her winnings to hire a black-car to drop her off at Child Protective Services.

Post Script, the girl who actually won the pageant apparently was 11 years old, but I’m pretty sure she was technically 24. Eh, whatever it takes y’all!

So that’s that.  Let’s talk about these trash heaps over on my Facebook page.  Let’s be Facebook friends!  Spread the word…and more!

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Toddlers and Tiaras:  Honey Boo Boo Child!
Teen Mom 2 Recap:  When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens