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Jersey Shore Recap: On a Very Special Episode of Jersey Shore…
Since the folks over at MTV seem to think we, as viewers, don’t have the ability to retain what we saw during last weeks episode, they decided to start off the latest episode with the last 5 minutes of last weeks episode. This basically consists of Vinny getting ready to murder-suicide the pants off of Seaside Heights. Once again Vinny doesn’t think he’ll be able to stay at Pedophile Manor anymore and Yawny keeps on giving him advice like, “Do you just want to drink at the club and take home girls?” Yeah, because at the end of the day I’m pretty sure nuclear holocaust sounding music and girls with herpes on their face is practically the cure-all for Vinny.
While Vinny is plotting his own death, the rest of the Douche Bag Brigade is still at “da club” making sure their livers don’t have a fighting chance. Even Grandpa Sitch is getting into the spirit and brings home and actual living breathing girl. If you recall, this is the same chick from season one that banged him in the hot tub on national television and then fell down a flight of stairs shortly afterward. Well, if you only scored a combined total of 500 on your SAT’s you really swallow your pride and go home once again with Grandpa Sitch on national television. The only real problem was that as everyone was walking home it started to downpour. I truly believe this was God’s way of cleaning these trash bags. I really, really do. As everyone ran and became soaking wet you could pretty much see orange bronzer and wax running down the gutters of the Boardwalk. If you look closely you can almost see JWoww in those same gutters eating processed packaged ham and giving a handy to a homeless guy. Once at home, Sitch and Jionni continue to blur the lines of their interest in each other and Sitch gives him a t-shirt and some clean underwear so he can slip into some dry clothes. They then begin to cook for each other. Meanwhile, Sitch’s girl he brought home might as well start going to town on herself in the hot tub because, well, Grandpa looks like he’s found something new, something borrowed, and something that’s about to be blew blue.
The majority of this crapisode deals with Vinny and his “problems.” Apparently he can’t even get himself out of bed in order to sell t-shirts to poor Italian’s on the beach because of a little something he likes to call “anxiety.” He ends up going to work and talking to his boss about how he’s been battling depression and anxiety ever since he was a wonky-eyed 16 year old. Personally, I think he’s fine and he’s just gunning for a Zoloft commercial, but that’s just me. I also think he’s bumming because of his horrific-terrible haircut. But the nice part was that all the roommates were incredibly nice and sympathetic to Vinny…probably because they feared for their own tanned lives. Speaking of which, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta has been burnt to a crisp due to too much tanning. He’s a nice mix of dark brown and fire engine red on his cheeks. He kinda looks like the Campbell Soup kid, you know, if they had “an ethnic” on the can for a change. Regardless, since Vinny doesn’t want to drink or go to “da club” the guys decide the next best thing they can all do together to make Vinny feel better is…you guessed it…take him to get a mani/pedi. This is when I officially threw my sandwich directly into the trash. Seriously, disgusting. I mean, if they really wanted him to feel better they should have taken him to an ophthalmologist to get that wondering eye set back on the straight and narrow. I know a West Virginian geneticist he can see, y’all!
Later “that night” Vinny musters up enough energy to make it out to “da club” with the rest of the goons. Everyone (except Vinny) is so excited. VaDeena is finally able to Jersey Turnpike in a tight skirt that allows her stomach to delicately hang over her vaginastein. But no one is having more fun than Snooki. She’s falling and spitting and spewing all the live-long-day. At one point she just tells Jionni that she wants to make him chicken cutlets and then in the next breath she tells him she hates him. Sounds like someone has been practicing their future vows!! More importantly, I’m pretty sure if Snooki and Jionni were back to back, she’d be taller. He should walk around in stilts because he looks awkward. He should also cool it on the waxed eyebrows. He’s beginning to look puppet-like.
Pauly D/Ellen Travolta ends up bringing home some chick who probably has a penis stuffed down her skirt. After she signs the waver saying that MTV can show her face and whore-like actions on television, she bangs him. But the night of “love making” must come to an abrupt end because he’s calling her a cab and she’s getting dressed and stealing his LL Cool J gold and diamond chain that’s on the bedroom floor. But where is she going to be able to store this chain without him seeing it? Ah yes. Her vagina. Place it up the old gentlemen greeter and just, well, hope for the best. This chick is bricks and can’t find her shoes anywhere so, like a true gentleman, Pauly D send her off into the cab without any shoes like she’s god-damn Pocahontas. The next day he looks everywhere for that damn chain and can’t seem to find. Since Snooki is living a future life of crime she suggests that the girl stole it and clearly she was right. To everyone’s shock, this chick comes back over the next day wearing the chain so she can give it back to him and, in exchange, she wants her shoes back. Sadly for her, they never find her shoes. I’m sure if they looked a little harder or checked Sitch’s feet, they’d find them. I hope this girl gets fired from her job after this and fired from life if that’s possible too.
In the end, everyone goes out to “da club” and leaves Pauly D home to chat with Vinny about not killing himself. Sadly, Vinny has called his sister to come and pick him up as he is leaving Pedophile Manor once and for all. He claims he needs to go home to “recover” but something tells me he just wants to make sweet Italian love to his mother. Poor Pauly D. The whole time Vinny is packing he looks like he’s actually about to burst into tears. Maybe it’s because Vinny is leaving or maybe it’s just the pain of his face sun-burn but either way there is raw emotion there. And raw skin. He helps Vinny pack up his clothes, that typical white men don’t wear, like Vinny is his husband and he’s heading off to war. Personally, I blame Snooki for all of this. Once you have sex with her your mind clearly begins to disintegrate and you’re never the same. The episode ends with a cab coming to pick up Vinny and take him to Staten Island, a place that seems absolutely like a god-damn living nightmare.
God is Love,
Rev Run
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Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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IBBB Said,
Programming Note: Join me on Facebook at:
http://www.facebook.com/people/Patrick-Varone/1591687454
and follow me on Twitter at:
You’ll likely hate it!
-IBBB
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L-Train Said,
Vinny being homesick is his mother’s fault. At their welcome home party when they came home from Italy, Vinny started crying because he had to leave his mom again. If my 25 year old son (or however old he is) cries because he misses me, I will know I have failed as a mother and ruined him for all women. He’s talked about how he’s never had a girlfriend- I’m not surprised. These Italian mother/son relationships are twisted and creepy.
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Barbara Ann Evans III Said,
Oh my gawwwwwd Vinny needs to grow a pair!
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Natalie Said,
Great Job, IBBB! Your recap was more entertaining than the episode itself.
L-Train – Agree with your assessment absolutely!!
1. In the first few scenes, we learned that Whiny Vinny sleeps with his Buddy Holly glasses on.
2. Ride-Her is pigeon toed, (banged sideways too many times I guess)
3. Snooki wanting to make chicken cutlets and then falling on her ass immediately after was great! In her interviews shes always claiming she only drinks “2 glasses of pinot a week”, yet everytime her or VaDeena joke that they are not going to drink that night, they both scream hysterically with laughter. Admit you have a problem so you can get help, girl.
4. Why is Jionni ALWAYS there? We hardly ever get to see Roger’s fine ass, yet Jionni be stalkin every week up at da club! And isn’t he the same guy from a past season who came over with some older guy to pick up his cousin that Vinny was trying to bang?
5. The chick who stole the chain….you know she totally ganked it, bragged to her friends who reminded her that her stupid whore self was on camera, so she decided to come back with the cover plot of “Oh, I woke up with it on this morning.” Whorebag. But I loved that Snooks had her entire plot figured out because she, well, “would have done it too”.
6. Vinny and Pauly are kinda creeping me out with how intense their bromance is. Is their relationship normal?
7. When Vinny asked Pauly to help him pack, Pauly just kept picking up random pieces of clothing that were already folded, would hold them up and look at them, and then refold them. WTH?
8. Let’s hope this season picks up soon or I will have to start watching Toddlers & Tiaras just for mind numbing entertainment.
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Brenda Walsh Said,
Vinny was a major debbie downer this episode. Glad he left, even though we all know he comes back.
Laughed so hard at Pauly helping him fold his clothes! Also enjoyed watching the girls run through the rain screaming, but why couldn’t Jionni keep up with two girls running in the rain in heels? Oh, right, because his stumpy little legs slow him down.
I don’t follow any of these trash bags on Twitter anymore-are Snooki and Jionni still together? They can’t possible be after he saw all this, right?
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Lisa Said,
at least Vadeena found a guy to “do sex” with.
the whole episode centering around Vinny sucked. the scene at the end where he and his mother were inches away from each others face while talking was creepy too.
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Cat Said,
“God is Love,
Rev Run”And I am on the floor.
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Isaac's giant sneakers Said,
L-Train I hope your 25 old son cries when I leave him. If so, then I will know I was the best 2nd cousin ever.
I have not seen this crapisode yet but these blogs have me on the edge of my seat.
Did they show any clips for next week? If Vinnypusspants in them?
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KittyKat Said,
You did far more with this snore fest than I ever thought possible. I would have simply typed, “Skank steals Pauly’s chain, they ran in the rain, Vinny went home, STDs were swapped. The end” so good job. This is way more entertaining than the show.
There was some good material on this week’s toddlers and tiaras. So I motion to vote that, if we as your readers (consider us your stockholders) must choose, you recap that crap fest over Jersey Snore.
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jean marie Said,
once again, the recap is uch better than the show! what a snore -o-rama! i cant believe how stupid that tranny whorebag was to let herself look like a clepto whore on tv. durrr theres cameras in the house! now you gotta play stupid ( hahah play?) and go back and make up a story that you woek up with it on, yeaah okkk …. man barbs would have a bawwl with this! she should go to the slammahhh with keeefahhh and the pot!
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Kyle's horse hair Said,
““God is Love,
Rev Run”And I am on the floor.”
as am I.
perfection.
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Natalie Said,
Isaac’s giant sneakers – Lovin your name…HILARIOUS!!!
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L-Train Said,
I love Isaac’s Giant Sneakers name too! Honestly, he won’t be able to wear those until he’s in the fourth grade. I noticed they only showed the shoes for a split second!
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Pirate Mike Said,
“Pauly D/Ellen Travolta ends up bringing home some chick who probably has a penis stuffed down her skirt.”
-That is why I love you.
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hollywood Said,
I don’t think you’ve explored and discussed Ryder nearly enough. I think she’s begging for an entire recap of her very own. Granted, it would be short because she’s clearly mastered only about 10 words of the English language…
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kas Said,
I love Ryder because she is such an accomplished Alcoholic that it actually manages to make an impression on the rest of these Trash Bags. IMPRESSIVE, dear girl.
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HeyNow Said,
““God is Love,
Rev Run”And I am on the floor.”
as am I.
Make room, I’m joining youse on the floor. *admission-i really miss that show, & wonder how my future sociopath Russy and justine are doing. Yes, I have a full life.
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alis Said,
Ryder is such a cheap trashy whore, what the hell is wrong with her? is she ‘riding’ all of the j.s-boys? wants a minute of fame? cheap ugly ass trashbag!
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Leona Said,
Ryder is a just a slut who wants to be part of the cast, and she has such a damn ugly face! hate that kid!
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Brooke Said,
I’m gonna go out on my own here and say, even though anxiety and depression don’t make for great television (especially when you’re trying to relax!) I think it’s great that Vinny talked about it. Having dealt with it in the past, it is not fun and sometimes just knowing other people are going through it makes you feel better. Team wonk eye!
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Allyse Said,
Dude, if I lived in that house, I’d probably have anxiety issues too…
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Angi Said,
Perhaps Vinny’s anxiety stems from the fact this is the last season of ‘da shore’ and his 20 minutes of fame might disappear soon there after…
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Odette Said,
HAHA Rev Run!
Favorite parts, ie the only mildly entertaining parts of this episode:
1. Pauly unfolding & re-folding Vinny’s clothes
2. Deena ASKING a guy if she could kiss him (whenever we’ve seen her hook up with someone it’s b/c she initiated it!!!)
3. All the roommates giving the worst advice ever to Vinny re: his anxietyps the girl “stealing” Pauly’s chain was sooooooooo scripted
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Janet's 'stache Said,
Is this really the last season??
