10
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Ken is Definitely the Cursed Tiki (Doo Doo Doooo)
For me, everything goes back to The Brady Bunch and this crapisode, well, is of no exception. Everyone is still in Hawaii because it’s Mauricio’s birthday and apparently this is the kind of party you have when Estrella has a new face and won’t bake you a birthday cake in the shape of a taco with queso for frosting. Kim has finally made it onto the island and while she says she was only a few hours late, we later learn that a few hours actually equals 36. After taking a shot of confidence juice, Mauricio decides to call Kim’s boyfriend, Ken, out on why they were so late for this dumb birthday party. Even though Kim’s voice was on camera in the previous episode saying that she was missing the plane because she misplaced her license and crack pipe, they’re now going with a whole new story with all sorts of twists and turns and include the fact that Ken had to work…even though he is “retired.” Evidently this was the one day during the week where he had to work. Ken handles this “take no prisoners” line of questioning like a champ by shaking, twitching, spitting, and stuttering all whilst trying to answer the questions. Basically he’s doing an impersonation of Kim. The only way I’d believe that Ken was a retiree is if he was the original Jeeves from AskJeeves.com. That goes without saying. Kim tries to sweep things under the rug by pretending they’re having a wonderful time at their outdoor dinner overlooking the ocean even though I’m almost certain right now Kim thinks she’s having sandwiches in the ball-pit of Chuck E. Cheese’s with the lady who played Thelma on Amen. And you know what? I wish she was. I wish she really was. (Doo Doo Dooooo) At one point, Mauricio gives a toast about “truth” and then gives Kim the side-eye and when he asks her to confess she, too, starts shaking and spraying everywhere. Why does Mauricio think he’s more of a housewife than Dana this season?
As if Kim’s trip couldn’t be more cursed she overslept the morning when everyone was going snorkeling because she didn’t realize for 3 days that her phone didn’t work so she missed her wake-up call. That’s probably because in a drug induced stupor, Kim was using her phone as a bar of soap. Kyle and Lisa Vandershutyourmouth bang on Kim’s door and eventually hop the balcony to see if they can see what’s going on in Kim’s room and, quite honestly, how a fully functioning meth lab works. It’s basically like Mr. Wizard, but for adults. How this turned into an episode of Three’s Company is beyond me, but I was waiting for Mr. Firley to pop out of the balcony bushes with binoculars around his neck and a Pina Colada in his hand while Lana fanned herself on the lounge chair in the background. Just me?
Kyle has had enough and so she decides that they’re no longer going to wait for Kim and Ken’s uppers to become downers so they all decide to go on the boat without them. By the time Kim finally makes it to the dock, the boat is long gone and Kim takes the next 20 minutes to keep saying that “everything happens for a reason” and how “relaxed” she was just sitting on a plastic chair and eating lunch. I honestly have no idea what these two are talking about. They’re not even really talking to each other. They’re just saying unique statements into the wind, basically. While Kim keeps saying that everything happens for a reason, Ken starts talking about how his eye got poked and he doesn’t know how. Ken! For the love of God you’ve got to wear protective goggles whilst melting down 27 packages of Sudafed (the kind behind the pharmacy if ya know what I mean). Clearly I don’t know how meth is made but the people at the Walgreen’s pharmacy sure think I do because they basically make me swear on a Bible at the register that I won’t make meth out of their special Sudafed. Is that the drug that you put on a metal spoon and use a busnson burner? Either way.
We get about a 3 minutes glimpse of Taylor and since the rest of the cast is off the mainland she decides to head over to Dana’s house to tell her that her marriage is over. If I were Dana I would have been like, “Finally! Now you can go back to making pizza without vegetables again!” Ouch, the car door hurts! Next. In an even more strange scene, Adrienne, her Christmas tree hair, Paul, his weird thumb, and Kim are walking the hotel grounds and are all discussing what nice guy Ken is. Suddenly Ken comes out of the woods and tells them that he doesn’t like what they’re talking about because he knows it’s about him. He then blames Adrienne’s facial expression for all of this. Adrienne looked as if “the help” just asked her for Christmas Eve off. She was frightened and I’m pretty sure I saw her grab her purse (and fart).
In the end everyone gets together one last time for day 77 of Mauricio’s birthday dinner and Kyle wants to talk about why Kim missed her flight. Suddenly, like Taylor, Ken finally finds his voice and is not afraid to use it. He simply says, “We don’t care” when Kyle keeps pushing for the truth about the mystery of the trip delay. Well, there you have it. If I were Kyle I would have sucker-punched him with my size 10 hands and then used her hair to strangle him and or cover his facia bruta. I mean, why should we have to suffer too? Kim and Ken end up leaving the dinner because Kyle keeps trying to make some form of a storyline out of this when we all know that if she just confronted her about her substance abuse this crew could potentially win the Emmy. Suddenly when I thought their argument couldn’t get any dumber they shift gears and start fighting over whether or not Kyle really does, in fact, talk on her cell phone whilst driving. No really, Kim brought that up. Clearly she’s trying to get Kyle in trouble with Oprah and, well, no one needs that.
Overall I think this was a bit of a snooze, although I could watch Kim sit on the couch and just stare for upwards of 90 minutes. At least next week Taylor is back and this time she’s attending a party where she’s poorly covering up a little shiner that someone gave her. I mean, if she burnt the roast what else could she expect? You need to baste it constantly. CONSTANTLY!
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Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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Lora Said,
I heard she tried to serve latkes without a vegetable. What a crapisode. Although it was hilarious when Mauricio said, “When you’re 36 hours late to a birthday party…” I lol’ed.
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Leslie Said,
You know this show has reached a dead end when you find yourself using the remote trying to locate another GOP debate.
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mk Said,
Everything happens for a reason.
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HJay Said,
Holy 3s Company refernce killed me. I don’t watch this crap, but I do come her daily to read about what you thought while watching this crap. And seriously, you rock!
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Brenda Walsh Said,
Kim was such a mess this episode, it was (almost) sad. Clearly she is on drugs/an alcoholic, and that is why Kyle was pushing the issue so heavily, because she knew Kim was on something. Are Kim and Ken still together? Because I think Brandi is dead on about him being an enabler.
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Jules Said,
Although I completely support Camille “outing” Taylor on the show about her abuse, I wonder why on these reality shows we are all tip toeing around Kim and her obvious addiction to something (and I don’t just think it’s alcohol). Wouldn’t the show be so much better and more realistic if they called Kim out on her BS? Like Real Housewives meets Intervention. TV GOLD!!
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39 & Not Pregnant Said,
Hilarious recap. My favorite lines were the ones about making pizza without a veggie and Adrienne looking at Ken as though he’s the help.
Clearly Ken & Kim spent the day off on some sort of bender. Did you see how they could not stop eating to talk coherently? The poor subtitle people didn’t even try to interpret. A serious case of the munchies was going on in that scene…
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Megan Said,
I was literally in pain when kim & ken were on camera. WTF was going on? I think bravo needs to give that pair their own show!
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Rachel Said,
What about Lisa’s ass getting stuck in the balcony??
In reference to the Kyle: troll observation you made last week, I DEFINITELY noticed this week just how short Kyle is.
Kim’s on drugs, there’s no way around it. I don’t even think she likes Ken I think she just likes to have him around.
One thing I can’t believe you didn’t call out- Holy Camille Clown Makeup!!! In one of her “confessional” esque parts she literally looked like she was able to take the stage for showgirls, OR appear on Toddlers and Tiaras.
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Andrew Said,
Brandi’s stock is rising as the season continues. She pretty much nailed it in her summary of how f’d up Kim is at dinner.
Also, anyone else see in the scene after Kim and Ken left when she was messing with something under her dress? Total hip flask/vial. Has to be.
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Gary's Huge Belly Said,
Ken and Kim are definitely on the pipe together….always late..disappearing into the bathroom for long periods of time at the airport….can’t wake up to alarm clocks etc….
And Kim really needs to cover up that old leathery skin and those sagging boobs…nobody wants to see that……
The two women climbing over the balcony to Kim’s room was hilarious and made me love Lisa all the more
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Anonymous Said,
kim is beyond out of control.. the only good thing she’s done all season is call brandi slut pig, which is my new favorite name to call people. i love you, ibbb. you’re such a slut pig.
and i’m sorry, i just started watching this this season because of patrick’s recaps, so i don’t know the deal with cedric. can someone please explain it to me?! lol
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Brenda Walsh Said,
@Andrew-while I love and fully support your idea on wearing a hip flask/vial, alas I think that was her mic pack. When they wear flimsy dresses the mic can’t be hooked to their bra or waistband so it has to go around the thigh instead.
@Anonymous-Cedric used to live with Lisa and Ken, as sort of their surrogate/adopted son (not legally). His story was that he was allegedly orphaned by his teenage prostitute mother and was taken in by Lisa after he started working at one of her restaurants and she took pity on him. Basically, he was Lisa’s bitch/house boy/eye candy but he had a sweet deal-living in the manse, driving the Bentley, etc. But between filming seasons 1 and 2 they had a falling out-Ken and Lisa supposedly asked him to move out and he freaked, demanded money from them or else he would expose their “secrets” and then Ken kicked him out. He seems like a real gold digger/liar.
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Cara Said,
Is it just me or does anyone else notice how Kim always calls Mauricio “Maurice”. She’s such a mess she doesn’t even kow her own brother-in-law’s name!
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SusieQ Said,
I know at some point in the episode Kim said “I’m a Virgo. I hate being late.” If we were all on the same drugs as she is, this might be believable.
Also, Ken might be the ugliest person I have ever seen on TV. That’s the truth.
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Odette Said,
MAURICE?! What the hell, Kim???
Even though Kim and Ken act insane (classic addict behavior – i.e. always being MIA, constant excuses, stories that don’t add up), I thought it was in such poor taste that Kyle and Mauricio kept bringing it up in front of everyone. Kyle she’s your sister, go talk to her in private and ask her what’s really going on!!! It’s like Kyle cares more about camera time than actually being there for Kim.
Also, I was so embarrassed for Paul when he made that toast to Adrienne and she never looked at him once…
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Steve Miller Said,
Some people call him “Maurice”… cause he speaks, of the pompatus of love……
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Kyle's horse hair Said,
Cara I about spit out my Coors Light when Kim said “Maurice isn’t the hottest guy on the block.”
She is smoking crack because A: yes he is, and B: his name is Mauricio.
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dacabsarehere Said,
I hate to say it but I think Maurico is more of a housewife than Dana. Dana sucks.
I felt like Kyle was really hamming it up for the camera’s too. I love how everything in Bevearly Hills is danced around. No one comes out and says anything until they’re totally pushed to the breaking point and than everyone gasps in shock even though they totally know and were thinking the same exact thing. Overall, lameness. You need to get back to watching Atlanta, everybody knows Phaedra is da’ bomb.
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you got to be kidding Said,
I agree with Odette. Kyle give it a rest and do something behind the cameras about your sister. I do not know how your hubby can stand you. Poor Paul. He should kick glitter-tresses to the curb and find someone who appreciates him. She treats him worse than her help.
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La Mexicana Said,
Brandi has the body of a skinny ass 12 year old.
Kyle has no ass, and apparently no height.
Kim has the skin of a roast chicken.
Adrienne always looks like her pony tail is to tight, even when her hair is down.
Clearly Lisa has the nicest figure of the bunch.
And yes, Ken does look like a bullmastiff with his ears being tugged back.
That is all.
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La Mexicana Said,
too tight* not, to tight! ugh!
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feather Said,
tottttttttally knew taylor was trying to cover up something on her face when she was lunching with dana!!!!! apparently i watch this show way too much bc my immediate thought when the scene started was, her hair looks different. and, not like that puzzle is hard to figure out!
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Dana Said,
Rofl, Steve Miller! Nice comeback
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Dana Said,
Oh, btw, Patrick, kudos on branching outside of Bravoland and MTV on your decals, but please can you give me one good reason why you aren’t recapping “Mob Wives”? That show takes trashy to new levels. These skanks drink their wine with ice cubes in the glass. Please just think about it. I’m dying to get your expert opinion on “Big Ang”. Anyone else watch it?
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Dana Said,
Damn autocorrect! Not “decals”, RECAPS.
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heynow221 Said,
ummm did no one notice Lisa’s Ken fluffing up his ‘do??? buahahah the faces he made whilst looking in the mirror and getting ready for dinner #5 were AWESOME! I LOVE the Vanderpumps!!
MUST Kyle cry in EVERY damn episode? Geezus CRYst, enjoy your hawaiian vacation with ur fuckin husband and ignore kim’s lateness til after you’ve gone home. Kyle totally ruins everyone’s time at all of her damn parties, White Party, Hawaii 302 Dinners, and it looks like they’re at yet another event next week that ends in tears. and Trolly McTrollerston is totally wearing fusion extensions.
Kim was on some serious downers during lunch, her eyes were closed the whole time. I cannot look at Kim’s Ken directly in the face lest i turn to stone like Medusa. His discolored skin makes me cringe.. poor guy, it’s really not his fault but he truly is the definition of Faccia Bruta
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heynow221 Said,
@Dana i’m obsessed with Mob Wives… and I think i’m not ashamed to say Big Ang is MINT!!! Her voice, her boobs, her LIPS, the best part of this week’s episode was when she was recapping the party/fight, and said “you shuda seen the puttanas” BUAHAHA
Let’s petition Patrick to recap MobWives!!!
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Odette Said,
@La Mexicana, that is such a perfect way to describe how Adrienne looks! I was struggling to put my finger on it but you nailed it – it looks like her ponytail is too tight even with her hair down lol. Also I agree that Lisa has the nicest figure of the bunch. I like Brandi but she looks like a (tan) bag of bones.
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Tess Said,
@heynow221 I luv Mob Wives 2!!! Big Ang is a masterpiece of a woman!!! Vh1 did me a huge favor by adding her this season. She’s the total package.
Patrick puhleeze jump onto this bandwagon so I can cry myself to sleep from tears of sarcasm you seem to beat out of me!
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DirtyDarl Said,
Pleeeease recap Mob Wives! Big Ang has boulders for implants. Literally, those things are rock hard.
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VanderPUMPED Said,
Steve Miller probably had the Best Comment Ever!!!!! And Kim’s a midnight toker…
And I so hoped that Lisa’s ass stuck in the hole in the wall would be one of the screen shots. The camera man (I assume man not woman) sure did like what he saw. There was a good 30 seconds dedicated to it!
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Kelli Said,
I think Patrick recapping Mob Wives could be dangerous.He’ll have to do it from Witness Protection
