Jan
08

Toddlers and Tiaras: I Once Knew a Girl Named “Honey Boo Boo.” She Got Knocked Up in High School.

Posted by IBBB

Read More On: Toddlers and Tiaras

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Remember how in the Bible Jesus talks about doing to others as you would like done to you? Well buckle up, trash bags, because I’m pretty sure it’s time to make fun of some poor little girls thanks to a show I like to call “Toddlers and Tiaras.” Oh wait, that’s just what it’s called. Therefore, I’d like to now refer to it as, “Amber Alert: Back of the Milk Carton Babies.” It has a nice ring to it.

I have to admit I’ve never watched this show before as I feel the level of reality show I must watch needs to center around 16 year old girls who gave it up and now have a baby and a hit show. But sometimes it’s nice to broaden our horizons and raise the bar. And lower it all at the same time. So let’s chat about the latest crapisode:

All of the girls in this episode are from the part of Georgia where there are a lot of rusty tin roofs, shoeless dirty children walking aimlessly up a dirt road by themselves and carrying a stick whilst a rabid cat slowly and crookedly walks behind them, and all the moms are obese monsters where they just get out of the shower and brush their wet hair until it dries. In a nutshell, it’s heaven. Not to be confused with Heaven. We’ll get to her in a minute. But let’s start with the light of my life. Meet Alana. She’s 6 years old. She’s old enough to know how to play it up for the cameras, yet young enough to not realize that a man had actual sexual intercourse with her mother. Meet her mother, June. She’s named June because she’s as hot as the month and, let’s face it, memorizing how to spell something over 4 letters is just a set up for failure. Notice how Alana’s name consists of mainly just “A’s?” Exactly. Alana is filled with personality which is ideal in her situation because, you know, we’ve seen her family tree and, well, it ain’t pretty. She’s basically the white version of Gary Coleman with brilliant catch phrases such as, “A dollar makes me holler, honey boo boo” and “Those other girls must be crazy if they think they’re gonna beat me honey boo boo child.” She’s kinda like what would have happened to Shirley Temple if Shirley’s mother hit the sauce, pulled her out of show-biz, and got really trashy really quick. And you know what? I’m ok with all of that.

If it’s one thing we learned so far is that pageants are expensive, y’all! So June is forced to cater to her obsessive compulsive behavior of cutting coupons and turning her double-wide into Cosco. No joke she has store shelves lining her kitchen with enough deodorant, soap, and toilet paper to last her family 3 lifetimes, yet something tells me that we’ll never see those shelves empty. What I like the best about June is that she constantly sports the standard fat woman’s silk blouse, you know, the one that hangs from the Walmart rack on a thick white plastic hanger in the “intimates” department? She’s definitely a MILF (Mother is Laughing Fatly). June’s husband looks like he lost his will to live so is just rolling with the punches. Not only does he have to literally lift her stomach during delicate sexy times, but he’s forced to go along with this whole pageant lifestyle. And what’s not to love, really? I mean, June’s face is the length of her arms and at one point during her one-on-one interview she just lets out Taco Bell-style belch after she answers one of her question. It’s like the Match profile writes itself.

There are some other future cashiers girls who are trying their best to win the Precious Moments pageant as well. There’s a girl named Heaven who lives in a trailer with a busted front porch and a mother who you totally know is considered the “hot one” in the neighborhood. She has a husband named Benny, but since this is Georgia we’re talking about it’s pronounced “Binny.” Heaven has decided that for her “dress of choice” competition she’ll be dressed up as Pinocchio and her step-dad will help her out on stage, which makes complete sense because when it’s time for the swimsuit competition his nose is likely to grow. Speaking of pervs, did anyone check out the gross old men in the audience? You can spot the Level III’s by their dead giveaway prison eyeglasses and hand down their pants whilst their other hand holds up a 1988 Sony Camcorder with duct tape around the hand strap. It’s just your standard game of Pedophile Bingo at this point and we’re about to play a coverall.

There’s some other chick named Laci. Her mom was likely rejected from MTV’s Teen Mom, but that won’t stop her will to make it on the reality TV, y’all. Laci seems the most normal, which makes her a bit of a snooze. Although her mom is having her dress up as Lady Gaga in two different segments of the competition, although they only made one segment as they couldn’t get the raw meat pinned to her bikini in time. And, no, I’m not joking. Luckily they did make the segment where they put a blond fright wig on Laci and put her in a giant bedazzled shoe (?) and spilled her out on stage just in time to kinda-sorta lip-sync to some Lady Gaga song that you know TLC doesn’t have the rights to. Laci really let her mom down earlier in the day by sneaking away, which forced her parents to pull a “Brady Bunch Goes to the Grand Canyon” and basically just yell, “Bobby? Cindy?” in the parking lot looking for her. Um, I’d count the remaining Level III’s in the audience and then work back from there. P.S., is it a standard practice to try and make all these little girls look like Kim Zolciak because I’m pretty sure if that’s the case then Kim should have some residuals coming her way.

Regardless of all the girls, America’s favorite is clearly Alana. From her dressed up as a slutty Jessica Simpson with her gut hanging out (so, basically still Jessica Simpson) to her mom screaming at her during “practice” to point to her belly so the judges can see her dress, Alana is the rotten apple of my eye. I mean, I assumed her mom wanted her to keep pointing to her belly because she’s perfecting her daughters audition tape for 16 & Pregnant: 2022. When Alana wouldn’t point to her belly and June said, “Stop! Let me show you.” I basically shut the laptop on my penis and sprayed Bleach in my eyes with my “Bleach Spray For Emergency Situations Only!” plastic bottle. The best part about Alana, clearly, is “everything” but I love how during all her one-on-one interviews you could hear the producers actually laughing after all of her answers. I assume a similar situation will happen once Alana tries out the work-force in 10 more years. Perhaps she should down a couple of chugs of “Go-Go Juice” prior to an interview. For those of you in the dark, “Go-Go Juice” is the drink of choice that June gives to Alana right before she needs to get on stage. They make it seem like it’s a secret formula, but let’s face it, it’s clearly a Mountain Dew bottle with the label sloppily ripped off. Evidently 5 bags of Pixie Sticks doesn’t work anymore. Plus, that’s for babies. No really, that was the 3-5 yr olds competition. Alana is now in the 6-8 yr olds so she needs to start her addiction in a more ladylike manner.

In the end, Heaven won the title of “Most Likely To Point on a Doll Where Her Stepdaddy Touched Her” and Alana only won the “You Have the Right to Remain Silent” trophy. As my sister once said, “This actually exists. There are parts of the country where people like this actually exist. This isn’t made up. It’s like a different world. I love it.” We’ll most likely update that quote to include “honey boo boo child.” #ChildhoodObesityFTW

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More IBBB Recaps:
Jersey Shore
Teen Mom 2

41 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

IBBB Said,
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OhGod Said,
Thank you Patrick. Now you are forcing me to watch this horrific show too! My life is getting trashier and trashier since I found this blog. And you know what? I love it!
honeybooboo Said,
I AM SO EXCITED U R RECAPPING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS MADE MY WHOLE WEEKEND. YOU R WAY BETTER THEN THE SOUP!!!!!!!!
shannon Said,
lmao off this is brilliant. Did you notice that Heaven chomped her gum in every scene she was in? That won’t make a proper beauty queen lol
kas Said,
Oh Patrick, I love thee. Just don’t let any of these fair maidens distract you from your #1 love: Barb.
Debil Dog Said,
Love this recap! This show is a train wreck. You missed the episode where the 5 year old’s “Outfit of Choice” was the hooker from Pretty Woman -blond wig, boots and a mini dress! There’s a million things morally wrong with this show. The mothers all say they want them to be Miss America but I think the closest most of them will ever get to that, is if they choose that name for their stripper moniker!
donna Said,
that fat mama scared me.the kid scared me more.somebody hold me.
donna Said,
also,every week i realize..these kids are not cute.their moms are..also not cute.the kids always look spaced out.
donna Said,
and did anyone see the moms are always doing the routine while the kid is on stage?i feel like saying,just get up there yourself because your kids lives are ruined..is this what happened to jonbenet ramsey?
Melanie Said,
I am so glad you recapped this! It’s like Santa came in January! Is it pathetic that I was thinking during the episode “omg Patrick (cause in my mind were on a first name basis) totally needs to recap this”. It is? It’s ok. I’m cool with that.
kasey Said,
I actually had plans to clean my apartment this morning which were completely derailed when I saw your recap and HAD to go searching youtube for this episode. So thanks. The dishes aren’t going to do themselves!

Side note: Leah better hope that Aliyana (or is it Aleeya…do I care?) can walk as the twins are missing ground in the Trailer Trash in Tiaras competitions.
June's belly dance Said,
I have sent this clip (June/Alana) of the show to a million of my friend’s because this has been the best T&T ever.
Madmommy Said,
All the moms on this show are usually very large. I have always wondered if they were small as kids and are trying to re live their youth or if they are living through their kids. Either way those kids are going to be huuuge when they grow up.
Square Hair Said,
I. AM. SO. EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDD that you are recapping this show! OH MY GOSH!!! You should have watched the episodes of McKenzie, now SHE was a hoot!

Yes Madmommy – I have always noticed the moms are bigger or just plain ugly, and they are trying to relive their childhood through their kids LoL…

Also, a woman where I’m from has been on a few of these episodes because she does pageants so I am so excited to see their recaps if they ever have another show air!
Shelly Said,
O
M
G

Patrick, I love you!

Merry Christmas to me – better late than never
Jodz2727 Said,
Because, Yes, I am that old, today was the day I had prep for my first colonoscopy screening. If that doesn’t totally blow, I don’t know what does. BTW – dulcolax is POISON, POISION I TELL YOU. I was alternately crapping my intestines out and hurling. I thought I was gonna die, for reals. Lying in the floor in the terlit room just to feel the cold tile, sweating from every pore of my body and thinking that birthing Alanonianna and Anorexianna would be an easier task than getting ready for the probe. Anyprecancerouspolp, your recap of Toniperms and Tasmanians was the bomb and I thank you for being the one bright spot in my very own crapisode of a day.
Raychel Said,
When Alana’s mom was doing the routine with her, those facial expressions are terrrrible. She looks crazy. Maybe she was really hungry, idk.

I feel so bad for these little girls. Its crazy how they look nothing like themselves after all the whore makeup is applied. I wanna know what’s in that Go Go Juice.
DebbieS. Said,
Thanks, Patrick. I never watched this show before and now I’m compelled to. Your blog is the reason I live lately.
dacabsarehere Said,
I love that you’re venturing into new territory but I agree with the girl above you have to watch when Mckenzie is on. I think I saw shes supposed to be on the next episode. I love that evil little girl!
Corrie Said,
Was Alana’s mother June wearing yellow eyeshadow?? I could not concentrate on anything but her dead eyes and the jaundice-look she had going on…and the belch…. O M G I DIED!!!! This had to be one of the better T&T episodes.

I have an 8 year old daughter who wants to enter pageants…no way is she ever doing this!
Leslie Said,
So glad you decided to recap this crap; the mother’s are those singled out by Michele Obama’s war on obesity.

But just pay attention to the names they give these kids. Paisley, Berkely, Penny Lanem etc.

You can’t make this stuff up.
Allison Said,
I am so glad you are recapping this train wreck of a show. P.S., is it a standard practice to try and make all these little girls look like Kim Zolciak because I’m pretty sure if that’s the case then Kim should have some residuals coming her way–Amazing.
Lisa Said,
They need to combine this show with “Dateline- To Catch a Predator” and they would be reeling them in like flies to garbage.
Lisa Said,
I’m far too excited that you did this recap…. and even more excited that you made fun of the stupid accent in a state in which I am forced to live in
Bitch Jungle Said,
this show is terrible. these obese, pig-malion moms are totally living vicariously through their daughters who will probably also grow up to be ugly-fat pigs. the end.
Langtry Said,
Is it wrong that, upon hearing the name of Beyonce and Jay-Z’s daughter, I immediately thought her name was “Honey Blue Blue Child”?
TNY Said,
*tear* my day is MADE!!!!! ♥ you bunches for this!
Gary's Huge Belly Said,
I almost wept with delight when I saw that you are recapping Toddlers. What a friggin train wreck this show is!! LOVE IT>

The little prostitots are so cute and their mothers are almost as bad as the moms from Dance Moms. Another train wreck.

THANK YOU!!
lav Said,
ok seriously, my DREAM is to see April and Butch have a child in a pageant. can you see april doing hair and makeup?! having her daughter’s outfit of choice be a prom dress and april stands on stage smoking virginia slims telling her how ugly she looks!?! i think it sounds amazing!

ps – another amazing recap. i love this ridiculous show AND you, patrick!
Shari Said,
What is up with the kids making those crazy wide-eyed faces and giving the weird head nods to the judges? Oh and that unnatural sashay/walk. Aaaallll of the kids on this hot mess do it, so someone has clearly instructed them to do so in order to win. But who? And more importantly, why? Because no one in real life does that. Ever. Not even Miss America’s slutty cousin, Miss USA.
Raychel Said,
Work it smoochie!!!

I think I figured out what’s in the GoGo Juice. Vodka and Red Bull. Cause she is bouncing off the walls, but also slurring. But that could be cause her Momma and Daddy are second cousins. Someone call the geneticist, yall!

Also, do they put hair extensions on these little girls? Or just wigs? I’ve only watched the YouTube video of Alana, I dunno if I could handle much more
katie Said,
i don’t even watch this show and this recap had me busting a gut!
Jamie Said,
@Raychel Someone call the geneticist, yall!

Priceless!
The Poors Said,
In the picture of the mom doing the “routine” the faces of the ladies in front of her pretty much sum it up.
Kiera Said,
I love how the mom’s are mostly all fat asses. It’s honestly pretty sad because these girls are going for the dream to become Miss America one day and these are there genes they were dealt. Give them another 10-15 years and you’re going to see them tipping the scales at 200+lbs.

I also don’t get the excuse of the winnings going towards their future education when most walk out with a just 12 inch trophy or crown and it cost them hundreds of dollars just to enter the stupid pageant…throw in all the crap that goes into making these kids look like personal escorts and you really wonder why their parent’s are left living in debt in a double wide.

There are so many of these pageants out there, it’s nothing but a big money scam that these dumb parent’s fall for over and over again.
Kiera Said,
It’s also pretty sad when you see a 6 year old with a double chin chugging down Mt. Dew. Future of America right there folks!
Claire Said,
Kiera – I wouldn’t blame genes for their future obesity. I would take a look at their balanced diet of Mountain Dew, Cheetos, and shame.
Wednesdaystreat Said,
Nope! I refuse to watch this too, but I WILL read your recaps.

I HAVE seen pageant moms from WV, and yes, they are all fat, and yes, they all want to live through their daughter’s who are also fat and getting fatter.

I think beauty pageants are going to have to change their criteria REAL fast in future years, cause who else will be there?
Justlikehoneyboobooboo Said,
The go-go juice is apparently a concoction of Mt. Dew and Red Bull. I don’t know why her mother doesn’t just give her meth and crack to keep her going. At least she’d be thin.
Here’s the defense her fat ass mother gave in an interview for giving this garbage to her child:

A lot of moms say, Oh well, you are doping your child up, well, hey, no, I am not. I am not hurting her. We have tried the pixie sticks that people call “pageant crack”, we went through 15 bags one pageant and it does not do anything for her.”

After Alana drinks the juice though, she comes alive.

After gulping a bottle, the six year old says,” I am ready to go.”

June says she just drinks it for pageants and that whatever works for your child, then use that.

Alana sings to the camera, ” My special juice is gonna help me win. I like to win money. A dollar makes me hollar, honey boo boo.
kristy Said,
Finally! I actually thought of you as I watched the Bob & Riley episode (yes, a boy named Bob, who sported a rat tail) wishing you would recap as it was the most hysterical episode EVER! Thank you thank you thank you!
Dena Said,
I might get this as a tattoo……
It’s just your standard game of Pedophile Bingo at this point and we’re about to play a coverall.D