06
Jersey Shore Recap: We’re All Getting Too Old For This
Remove your genitals from the George Forman grill and wash your drip-tray because Jersey Shore is back! I’m actually outta breath from even typing that sentence. Let’s just put it out there. These jokers are getting a little too old for this sh*t. I’m getting too old to be writing about this sh*t. You’re getting too old to be reading this sh*t, but alas here we are. It’s past 10:00pm and I just want to go to bed, but instead I’m sitting here with a hot laptop on my lap. Like Tyra used to say to her models, “I give myself up for you” I say something similar to you, the readers of IBBB. I burn my penis, for you. You’re welcome.
The Douche Bag Brigade is all packed up and ready to leave Italy to come back to the one country where we tolerate complete drunken rusty trash dumpsters on the regular. Not only do we tolerate it, but we turn you into American Royalty. George Washington’s teeth must be rolling over in their grave. I have no clue what that means. Regardless, they’re all leaving Italy and one thing is for sure: VaDeena officially has turned into everyones Italian grandmother, sausage arms included. Eh, good for her. She likes the food.
Everyone is so excited to be heading back to Pedophile Manor at the Jersey Shore that you’d actually think they walked into the light and are seated at the right hand of the Father. Shout out to my Catholic school upbringing, what-what! They can’t believe how clean the “house” is and how how all their STDs seemed to have been removed from the property. I’m sure someone forgot to clean the bill of the duckphone and, well, that’s likely to be shoved up Snooki’s gentlemen greeter by season-end. There is some nervousness, however, because no one wants to room with Grandpa Situation and, sadly, Sammi SweatStains and Yawny are going to be stuck with him like that pesky case of herpes that just won’t seem to completely go away and always comes back at the most inappropriate time. My favorite part, however, was when Sammi walks in the room and says, “I don’t even know where to put all my stuff.” I, of course, immediately blurted out, “on the balcony you hard-faced b*tch.” Then I got really mad at myself for yelling at a garbage barrel. Seriously, how old is everyone getting? For real. Grandpa Sitch is trying to find a place to store his walker and I’m almost certain Ronnie is switching out his protein powder with Metamucil. Eh, it’s important to move your bowels regularly.
Later, in order to celebrate the devil winning, Snooki and VaDeena decide to do shots of pickle juice because they probably want to make sure their breath smells the same as their crotch. But the guys don’t want to be left out of the celebration so they decide to (yawn) do a little GTL (remember when that was so funny?) and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta does some extra tanning because prior to that he only looked slightly like Burnt Sienna and not a full Brick Red. It’s a process. After they go to the gym so Yawny can take out all of his aggression on upper body only (no need to work out the legs…just wear pants) and finally they conclude their day by getting some absolutely terrible haircuts. The “barber” looks like he carved the map to Zelda in the back of Stich’s head and for some inexplicable reason Vinny had them only leave a giant “V” on the back of his head. Is it ok if all of America lets out a collective “You’re White!” to all of the guys? Just checking.
After the millionaires stop by their minimum wage job at the T-shirt store they all pack up the van to head out to some dive restaurant that their boss is taking them to in order to welcome them back to the United States of America. Suddenly when they walk into the restaurant they all hear a ton of people yell out “surprise!” I assumed it was all the babies from all the girls who got knocked up while visiting Pedophile Manor over the years but I was wrong. It was actually all the family members of the gang. Take a good look, folk,s because these are the real people to blame for all of this. And, not for nothing, but they were welcoming these trash heaps home like they just came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Either way, what a treat for the eyes this was! JWoww ShamWow’s dad was there. Well it was either him or Peter Tork form The Monkees. Google it. And F you when you say, “Who are the Monkees?” Vinny’s whole family was there and this brought him to manly tears. His mom, who may or may not be Joy Behar, is always quite the dish and she didn’t disappoint this time as well. And of course there was Uncle Nino who, I’m almost certain, by law must introduce himself to everyone at the bar…and his neighbors within a 1 mile radius. We’re also finally introduced to a grown white man who calls himself “Unit.” Personally I blame Eminem for this. Moving on.
“Unit” pretty much looks like a pale sickly poor-mans version of Pauly D with a “It’s Pat” from SNL wig. I’m dead on. You’re welcome. Grandpa Situation and his life partner friend, Unit, are ready to mess with Snooki in front of her pint sized, shiny-faced, awkwardly-waxed boyfriend, Jionni. Since everyone is drinking and could give 2 sh*ts about this show anymore the fight between the Unit and Snooki literally goes like this for a good 5 minutes:
Unit: “I got you girl.”
Snooki: “Ok, Unit.”
Unit: “I got you girl.”
Snooki: “Ok, Unit.”
Unit: “I got you girl.”
Snooki: “Ok, Unit.”
Unit: “I got you girl.”
Snooki: “Ok, Unit.”
Unit: “I got you girl.”
Snooki: “Ok, Unit.”
No punches were thrown. No drinks went flying. Snooki didn’t fall out of her chair exposing her vagina and the Jersey Shore logo. It was like I don’t even know these goons anymore. Everyone goes home, including Unit and he and Grandpa Sitch basically get naked in his bedroom, spray each other down, play dress up, and then go back outside to hang out with everyone else. Regardless and irregardless all at the same time, the thing I like best about Unit is that he can’t get his hair to spike and so it just curls. And not just any curls. I’m talking tight wet curls. If he grew it out about 10 more inches he’d look like Leah from Teen Mom.
However, the romance isn’t to be kept just between Unit and Sitch. Hell to the no. Snooki’s mutant looking friend, Ryder, is hanging out at the house, drunk, and hooks up with Pauly D/Ellen Travolta. She is officially the super-secret-sixth-in-line-house-pig. Her parents must be so proud, but let’s just assume that they are sans TV…and jobs. So I’m sure they’ll never see this. I actually felt bad for VaDeena during all of this because she seemed so sad. She could barely stuff those hamburgers hot off the grill down her facia bruta. She did muster up enough energy to walk into Pauly D’s room and sit at the end of his bed while he and Ryder just stared at her in silence. She finally left to, I guess, eat her feelings in bed.
For the remainder of the crapisode we’re left with watching Vinny basically on suicide watch. He’s so homesick and tired that he keeps forgetting to take off his Justin Bieber glasses when he goes to bed. He’s just moping around and can barely make it out to Aztec which, like Karma, looks like the worst place on the face of the earth. Although there was one fine lady trying to have a dance-off with the fellas. She may have been having a seizure from the nuclear-holocaust sounding music and lights but either way she was definitely Hatchet Face with a perm. Perms must be the new thing in Jersey. I can’t wait for them to make it over the bridges and tunnels onto the main island so I can see them on the regular. In the end, Vinny has to go home from “da club” because he says he can’t take it any more and he “has no more to give.” Uh, what was he giving us all the other seasons…lazy eyes? Because, well, that’s about all. Yawny and Pauly D are ready to slap a 5150 on Vinny and Vinny is legit ready to go the hell home so his mother can make sweet passionate love to him in his twin bed.
Enjoy these horrific (horrific, meaning: written by a whore) Jersey Shore recaps? Well then join me on my Facebook page and click on the “Recommend” button to share this recap with your white trash Facebook friends. Ole!
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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IBBB Said,
Let’s talk Jersey Shore on my Facebook page! Join me at:
http://www.facebook.com/people/Patrick-Varone/1591687454
And follow my on Twitter at:
Help spread the word!
-IBBB
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ShannonH Said,
Peter Tork… Joy Behar… Justin Bieber’s sunglasses… love it! Anticipating what you will say about this show is the only reason I still watch it. Thank you for burning your penis for us on the regular.
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shannon Said,
LMAO so glad these recaps are back :O) As soon as I saw Snooki drink the juice from the pickle jar I knew you would add that picture to the blog lol
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BigG Said,
Situation is totally gay
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Shhhhh Said,
i must keep my identity under wraps but the unit knows about your blog and reads all the jersey shore recaps. i must go now.
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Vuuuhhhginya Said,
^^^^^^^
Well, “Unit” if you are reading, you should know…you are one ugly fuck. And that final spray on your junk in the episode last night? You needn’t worry about that, as I’m sure Sitch loves the smell of onions and beef.Phenom. recap, as always. So glad to have Jersey Shore and Teen Mom 2 recaps to look forward to each week!
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Natalie Said,
Ok, so Ryder gets more action in the Shore House than any of them, huh? And in the montage clips of “What’s going to happen this season”, she was in several of them. Which means we will be seeing more and more of this butter face.
I’m going out on a limb here and saying “the” Unit is actually kinda fine. A male version of a butter face. But in his case, butter hair. Shave that or something.
That party was hilarious! They all had like 1-3 people there, and then there were the Guadagninos, about 20-30 of them or so. Wonder if Vinny’s mom did the catering or if it was a potluck type deal.
Kudos to the producers for trying to create the drama by bringing in “the witnesses” and the boyfriend all to the house at the same time. Would have been good camera fodder, but alas, Snooki out witted them all by taking him straight to bed.
I wonder if they will show Unit’s coke bust this season? Every time they show him this season I’m going to be wondering if hes been doing bumps that day.
So glad this show is back, more for your recaps, IBBB, than anything! Sorry you burnt your biscuits trying to bring us the joy that is Jersey.
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SimplySarah Said,
I agree that they seem to be getting too old for this crap- like when they all ran to their twin-sized cots and acted like they were staying in the God damn Playboy Mansion.
And what a pussy Vinny is. All whining about missing his family. Get in your car and drive home for dinner, pussy. It’s, what, an hour away?
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vdub Said,
Your description of Unit’s appearance is spot-on. My husband walked in while I was watching the episode and he said, “Wait, is that Pauly? What happened? What…the hell…?”
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Janet's 'stache Said,
Unit is fuuuuuglyyyyy! Hot damn, that boy needs a bag over his head! He should hook up with Ride-her…can you imagine all the amazing little butter faces those two fugs could produce?
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Janet's 'stache Said,
Omg, I friggin LOVE all you guys! Your comments, right along with Patrick’s brilliant blogs, seriously make my life complete.
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Mr. StinkyFishFace Said,
This show makes me sad for my kids. Yet I CAN’T STOP WATCHING!
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Janet's 'stache Said,
And yes, I know Pauly D’s ugly twin already “hooked up” with slutter face….But I’m sure we’ll all be witnesses to it at least once on camera this season.
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Brenda Walsh Said,
I really appreciate the fact that MTV doesn’t feel the need to update the theme song at all, despite the fact that everyone (particularly Sitch and Snooki) look about 7 years younger.
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Brenda Walsh Said,
Oh, I forgot to mention that the Sitch appeared to have a shooting star carved into the side of his head, which I am certain was an homage to “the more you know” shooting star, which is of course a sign to you Patrick, since you love to reference it!
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Leigh Said,
This recap is the only reason I watch the show. It is, I swear!
Awesome, as usual. But I have to disagree, slightly-most of these people were too old for this crap when the show started. How old is Sitch now, like 43?
And Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie…whining about missing mommy and co. because you haven’t seen them in a long time? They were in Italy for what, 3 months? And now you are back at da shore, which is what, 1-2 hours away from home? Go visit, Princess. You don’t need to pull a Angelina and leave! -
Anonymous Said,
Natalie,
did unit really get busted for coke?!?!?! love it!
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dacabsarehere Said,
Yes, finally the cabs are here!! Best part of this blog is comparing Units hair to Leah from Teen Mom. Bahahahahaha.
I am sad to see we start the first episode with the continued topic of Snooki lying about cheating on her pint-sized boyfriend. At this point does it even matter if she slurped on Grandpa Stich’s Vienna dog? I mean we all saw her slam into Cry Sissy Vinny’s bed … we know shes a pig and a whore and I’m sure her umpa lumpa boyfriend knows too. Love the Stich for always trying to stir up shit though.
Unit makes me want to gag. He could very well be the worst thing I’ve seen on Jershey Shore and we know that is the low of the low. From his nickname to his curls to love for himself and spraying his crotch all so he can cuddle with
Stich everything about him makes my mouth swell up with vomit. Yuck and yuck … -
Natalie Said,
I thought Unit had been arrested for coke, but according to RadarOnline, it was special K. Isn’t that a date rape drug? I’m too old to know. Perhaps this is how Sitch and his buddies manage to get lucky all the time?
http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2011/08/drug-found-jersey-shore-bust-identified-ketamine
Oh, Brenda Walsh!!! The more you know star!!! Spot. On.
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kas Said,
Vinnie is the Italian version of Howard from Big Bang Theory with the raging Mommy issues.
I guess The Unit (ugh) serves two purposes: Make Mike not the creepiest person onscreen and have at least one person in the house ( well,around) who isn’t repulsed by Mike (quite the opposite, apparently).
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Meg Said,
I am from Staten Island (don’t judge me too harshly!) and Vinny is legit 45 minutes away at the shore house. Ridiculous.
Also, random aside, Vinny’s dad is a barber at the local mall. I think his business has boomed since the show premiered – not sure if he does Vinny-type haircuts though. It’s Staten Island, so most likely yes.
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Penelope Said,
Patrick? I got you, girl.
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Barb's Bosom Said,
I GOT you, girl. I GOT YOU.
More on Unit’s coke bust please….
With his giant vocabulary, I am surprised he can read anything at all…. -
feather Said,
okay, really…is it just me or is ryder NOT attractive at all?! Whats w these boys all getting it in with her. i mean, sure they live in pedophile manor, but vinny and pauly d i thought at least had some standards! woof
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KittyKat Said,
Jwoww’s dad… The Monkee’s!!
Hatchet face.
Sausage arms.
Vinny’s mom… Joy Behar.These are a few of my favorite things….from this recap.
The theme song/sequence should be the poster child to kids on why NOT to act like these people…followed by the “The More you Knooooow!” star in Grandpa Sitch’s head.
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LovetoReadHere Said,
Glad I missed this CRAB-i-sode. (See what I did there ; )
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ang Said,
meg- do u know why we never see vinnys father? parents divorced?
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Meg Said,
I am not 100% sure. I think they have been divorced for quite a while. But, I believe Vinny still has a relationship with him. No clue why he’s not mentioned or appears on the show.
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DebbieS. Said,
Eww, Ryder did it with Vinnie and The Ugly Guy Unit before she did it with pauly D…..why am I so grossed out by pauly D. now? I’ll legit get over it, but…ewwww.
JWowww’s dad never fails to surprise me everytime he’s on screen, like Tom Petty had a daughter. Peter Tork too.
We’re all too old for this, but when has that ever stopped anyone? -
Dana Said,
I guess we can see how Ryder got her name. This trick is seriously the village bike. And I loved loved LOVED Sammi calling out Granpa Sitch on his homo-tendencies. Poor Jionni. This kid is going to be devasted when he realizes how much he’s been played as a chump.
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katie Said,
O.M.G…….i burn my penis for you. Poetry, my friend.
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Kiera Said,
I just kept staring at Ride-her’s Pinocchio nose.
