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Teen Mom 2 Recap: Jumpaaah Cables and Fix-a-Flat: Birthday Dreams Come True
It’s time for yet another crapisode of “Spread ‘Em If You Got ‘Em: Teenage Mother Edition.” I am still on vacation, but I figured if I could find the time to tune into these rubbish tins, then you probably have the time to read this junk and click on the “Recommend” button so you can share it with your loser Facebook friends and help me continue to sell out. Speaking of which, join me on my very own loser Facebook page and let’s get creepy! P.S, how much do my Photoshopping skills rule?!
Jenelle – If there’s one thing you know about me it’s that me gusta when Barb and Jenelle get into a knock-down-drag-out fight on the regular. If Barb isn’t being backed into her front door by Jenelle screaming just inches from her facia bruta then, well, I’m less than pleased. However, something that you may not know is that I also enjoy Barb when she’s in good spirits. I assume this is because Walmart was paying her time-and-a-half during the holidays, but perhaps it’s because her boyfriend, Mike, is playing the alphabet game on her “gentlemen greeter” when they have “date night” on the pullout couch. One may never know. This time around Barb starts off rough and tough with Jenelle by letting her know that she’s glad that Kieffah is going to jail, but even with that hard exterior she is a big old softie to me since she has now embroidered a flower pattern around the collar of her prized blue shirt. I’m sure that peels off during the winter months and replaced with a snowman pattern.
Now I don’t want to oversell this, but the next major scene with Barb may have made me the happiest toolbag blogger on this here earth. Apparently it’s the lil b*tch’s 19th birthday and so Barb goes into her room to wake her up wearing a complete sex-kitten outfit. If you heard that thump in the background I’m sure it was Mike ramming his manhood into the wall and then passing out. Barb is decked out in enough leopard print that would make Chelsea start foaming from the mouth. And, she’s there to bring gifts to Jenelle that are all oddly wrapped. Suddenly Barb turns into Jokey Smurf and starts giggling as Jenelle unwraps her presents. I was actually waiting for the gifts to explode upon the unwrapping process. Her giggles turn into a full on belly laugh (a belly full of deli meat) when Jenelle opens up the first gift, which was a large can of “Fix-a-Flat” in case she gets another flat tire. Seriously, Barb is cracking herself up and half of “The America” at this point. The next gift Jenelle unwraps is a set of jumper cables. At this point, Barb is about seconds away from rolling on the floor and kicking up her legs as tears of joy roll down her face. To top things off, she gets to shriek out, “These aahhh things you need faw yaw caaaaah!” It was like she was playing $25,000 Pyramid. I was ready to yell out, “Things that are 65% off at Walmart the day after Christmas!” Barb ended her gift-giving spree by telling the beautiful story of when she gave birth to Jenelle 19 years ago and how she almost made her meat slicer explode so she had to have a C-section. She continues the compliments by letting her know that she was a cranky b*tch way back then too. Good old Barb. Friend ’til the end!
Later, through the magic of science and miracles, Kieffah ends up sending Jenelle a Facebook message because he wants to talk to her about their relationship and, you know, the beating. How the hell is he on Facebook? Does the grassy knoll that he sleeps on have free WiFi? I just assumed at this point his version of Twitter was actually talking to a bird and giving it directions to Jenelle’s house. Either way, they end up chatting on the phone and decide that the next step in their garbage barrel relationship to nowheresville is to have Jenelle come and pick him up so he can turn himself in to the police because there is a warrant out for his arrest. How romantic. I’m pretty sure this same scenario that was in the Bible. I believe it was “A Letter to Kiefaaah from the Barbs” (right after the Psalms). So, Jenelle picks up Kieffah for some inexplicable reason outside of a Japanese steakhouse in a stripmall (next to the Dollar Store). All of that is 100% accurate. Poor Kieffah was sitting on the ground on some form of a blue cushion that I’m sure was covered in bed bugs, Sake, and lack of ambition. What I want to know is why Special K is more dressed up (khaki blazer) to go to jail than he was to go on those job interviews last season. This is a question that we’ll never have an answer to.
In the end, Queen LaQueefer is all pissed off because even though he kicked in the side of Jenelle’s car he feels like he never hurt her. He tries to give her a guilt trip about pressing charges against him and how he doesn’t deserve to go to jail over all of this. Jenelle thinks she’s basically helping him out and, well, I think she’s just helping to make good television. My favorite part was when he told Jenelle that if he has to serve jail time he doesn’t want anyone to send him letters at all. Hahaha. Brilliant. You totally know Barb is back home cutting out all different sized letters in multiple magazines to send him death threat letters (”If you evaaah touch my daughtaaah again…”). As Kieffah waits for Roz from Night Court to come and get him he sits there with Jenelle sporting some white socks and sandals. He says he doesn’t deserve this, but I beg to differ. Thanks to the socks and sandals and the fact that he looks like 89% of the tourists in Times Square I think he should serve a minimum of 10 years. I’d say he should be under house arrest, but the grassy knoll is still sans walls.
Leah -Surprise, surprise. Leah needs to take another day off of work because the results from Ali’s MR-eyeeeee are finally in. But these aren’t just any MR-eyeeee results. Oh no. These are brain MR-eyyye results. In fact, Leah is going to take the next 10 minutes to work in the words “brain MRI” as many times as she can into her conversation. Any chance the results from this brain MR-eyeee can prove that both of her parents are goons? I hope that’s in there somewhere.
Sadly, Leah doesn’t have anyone who can go to the doctor with her to get her brain MRI results. Brain MRI. Brain. Corey can’t go because the toilets aren’t going to unclog themselves. Her sister can’t go because she has a test that day. And her mother can’t go because she apparently dyed her hair reddish-brown and can’t get the crunchy curls out of her hair. Seriously she looks like Shirley Temple’s dead-behind-the-eyes slower sister. So, Leah’s grandmother is going to go with her instead. And I’m pretty sure her grandmother is about 50. She should have asked the camera man to go with her. The rest of this crap is boring, so let’s get down to the results. Drumroll please…….Ali’s brain is fine. Phew! She has one eye that’s good, but the other eye isn’t that great. So, clearly, she can kiss her thriving career as a “winking model” goodbye. A career cut down too soon. The doctor does let Leah know that she should still go and see the Geneticist because they’re going to want to DNA the piss out of Leah and Corey’s entire family. Imagine that family tree? You totally know that we’re all going to find out that Corkey and Amanda are Leah’s great-grandparents or something. Eh, life goes on. See what I did there?
In the end, Leah calls Corey to trying to explain to him the difference between good news and bad news. When she finally says that Ali’s brain is fine he just says, “Ok. Good.” and then hangs up the phone. He must have been busy bumping uglies with Joetta. I’m sure he lets her wear the camo hat that must smell the same as Leah’s burnt hair and skin. We’re getting Brain MR-Eyyyes, y’all!.
Kail – You know you’re too young to be a mother when in your voice-over you say things like, “I haven’t spoken to my mom since I gave her the remote control back.” Kill yourself. All of Kail’s scenes consist of her talking about birth control and then finally going to the doctor to find out what her options are. Personally, I think if she just tapes a picture of Janet on her crotch that will keep the men at bay. But, hey, that’s just me and I’m barely a doctor. As a sidenote, I’m barely a human.
Once Kail heads out to see her doctor, Doctor Diddles McGlasses she does learn what all of her options are. I wasn’t paying close attention because I was watching the doctor fidget and chatter his teeth while he spoke of things that Kail can shove up her glove compartment. Since Kail can’t remember to take her birth control pill every day she decides to go with the kind of birth control that looks like a sling shot, is placed up the vagola, and can’t get you pregnant for 5 years. I mean, sure, I’m sure if she lights up one cigarette while she has this thing in her, her head will explode off her body, but at least she won’t be with child. And, not for nothing, but while the doctor was implanting that he should have quickly given her a chin implant too. Like a buy one, get one free. You know the kind. Anychins, Kail was so psyched that she can’t get pregnant for 5 years that she immediately asked the doctor if she was protected the second it was put inside her (giggity). She was like a chinless rabbit in heat. Or a “chabbit” as I may sometimes refer to her as.
In the end, Jordan gets all shy about talking about slingshots and vags on camera but finally comes to terms with that fact that is you want to get inside of it, you need to be able to talk about it. Kail can’t seem to understand why he’s so uncomfortable, but this is coming from a girl who just basically had a camera crew inches away from her Yahtzee bag. No wonder why Suzi jitters.
Chelsea – I can’t. Why does she think she’s the Snooki of South Dakota? And did Adam kidnap the baby or no? I don’t care. See you on the back of a milk carton, Aubree.
Previous Teen Mom Recaps:
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere: Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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IBBB Said,
Join me on my Facebook page @
http://www.facebook.com/people/Patrick-Varone/1591687454
and follow me on Twitter @
You’ll love all of it…and none of it all at the same time. Ole!
-IBBB
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QueenofCorona Said,
I love that Baby Huey aka Jordan is sporting only shirts with his name on it this episode, in case he gets lost? I am Jordan. Did they REALLY need to do the Mirena insertion with the cameras in the room? Do you wonder if she does the side combover with her hair down there like she does with her greasy bangs?
Isaac, my little California Raisin, is getting a lot cuter.
Barb’s cackle is sexual.
Leah can lay off the Clorox conditioning anytime now. And WTF happened to her mom’s eyelashes? Dental hygenist experiment gone wrong?
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Joyce Said,
Roz from Night Court. Patrick, will you marry me? I’m pretty sure you watched as much tv as I did whilst my young muscles atrophied.
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donna Said,
corky and amanda.life goes on.that is all.
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Brenda Walsh Said,
I loved the scene with Barb giving Janelle gifts so much that I rewound it, watched it again, then called my fiance in the room so he could watch it too. Brilliant, Barb, brilliant.
Also, anyone else wondering why Janelle was missing half her eyebrow the entire episode? Just one eyebrow, the other was intact.
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Brenda Walsh Said,
Oh, and Chelsea seemed beyond calm about the fact that Adumb basically kidnapped her child. I mean, the guy has a history of being an asshole idiot deadbeat dad, but she’s fine with him taking the baby for over 24 hours and not answering the phone or responding to texts? Yeah, pretty sure that’s kidnapping. Also, that is definitely not Chelsea’s house-it’s her mom’s right? So why did she keep saying she was all alone, had no one to help her, and spent the whole night alone? Where is her mom?
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KittyKat Said,
P-diddley (That’s my new pet name for you. I hope you enjoy it)…Your photoshop skills are the best.
I KNEW you would love Barb’s leopard shirt. She must have started taking hints from Chelsea. Or she was still drunk for last night’s “date” with Mike. She was just on fiiii-ah this episode and it made me happy, too.
Keiffah’s grassy knoll must be near a McDonald’s. It makes sense. McD’s providing WiFi for the homeless. (they’re lovin it!) I about fell over when she picked him up and there was a Japanese steakhouse next to a Family Dollar. Food poisoning with a side of fried rice, anyone? And he was not only wearing socks and sandals…but socks and THONG sandals. Oh, Keiffah. Don’t let yah paants be draggin’ in the slamah…
I was excited Leah’s mom’s pube curls were back, too! Yay, Dawn and her pube curls, lack of makeup, and looking like she’s lost 99% of the time!
Is Jordan a 10 year old in a huge body?! He is so awkward…
Best Chelsea-ah recap ever.
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KittyKat Said,
@Brenda Walsh… Chelsea said in the last episode that her mom was out of town visiting her Grandma but she was staying at her house because it was sans-stairs.
The only good part of her segment was the beyond awkward physical therapist. I thought for a moment we were in West Virginia with them super socially skilled doctors, ya’ll!
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donna Said,
i too was surprised when adam left with aubree and chelsea was all calm.must have been the painkillers.anyway,if adam disappeared with my dog id be frantic and this was a child so chelsea really is dumb.
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donna Said,
question…why do they keep beeping kieffers last name?
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Wednesdaystreat Said,
“Corky and Amanda are Leah’s great-grandparents….Life Goes On.” BRILLIANT!!!!!
I KNEW the socks and sandals would make the ‘ol blog!
I agree–Jordan is not ok. Really. He’s not.
Agree about the PT that Chelsea went to–he was ALMOST as awkward as that pediatrician that gave the MR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYE results–but not quite. What is the requirement to be a doc in WV? Completing clown college? And whoever wrote Adumb is Patrick in training for sure!
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KCouture Said,
Did anyone see the MTV special they aired after last week’s episode? It was called “Closer Look at Teen Mom 2″ or something and it was all four girls talking with that Asian lady who is trying to be a “serious journalist”.
Oh my god… I didn’t hear a word of what any of them said because of the hair on Chelsea and Leah. Leah had these horrible two tone, clip on, horse hair extensions. It looked hideous… but compared to Chelsea, she was gorgeous! Chelsea’s hair was bleached within an inch of its life and stacked on top of her head like runny vanilla pudding. IT. WAS. HORRIBLE. I couldn’t look away but yet it was burning my retinas.
DVR that shiznit or go to MTV.com or something. This must be seen. Or Patrick, try to post a screenshot of it on here….. really, everyone needs to see this. Whoever let those girls go in front of cameras like that is a sick, sick, SICK human being…. Even worser than you Patrick! But in a totally good way, of course.
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gavin Said,
Life Goes On – OMG, totally forgot about that show! Remember Corky’s sister Becca and her HIV + boyfriend Chad Lowe? It was like an after school special only better.
I was horrified by the blatant Mirena product placement – it was as if Mirena sponsored the show: “This week’s brain MRI brought to you by Mirena” oy-veh
But then again, I am horrified that I watch this show.
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CrackinUp Said,
Does Barbapalooz know about this blog?? I swear half the stuff she says/does is just for YOU Patrick! I mean, who gives their kid jumper cables and Fix a Flat for their birthday?! (I loved it though!)
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Kiera Said,
God, the thought of Kail, all her hair, her lack of chin and Jordan having sex makes me want to vomit. How old is Jordan anyway? I can’t tell if he’s 9 or 20…it’s like he’s a little boy that didn’t age right. Does he really know how to have sex? He doesn’t really seem to be the kind of guy who knows what a Pee-Pee is for besides taking a leak.
Adam is a POS and Chelsea is dumb…..plain and simple. Poor Aubree, her parents are losers.
Guess what Leah, your baby’s the product of what happens when your grandparents are brother and sister and get a little too freaky while doing chores out in the chicken coupe. No wonder they want to DNA the whole family…what a tangled mess that’s going to be, branches all intertwined and growing off one another.
Jenelle….she’s so dead behind the eyes. You notice when she talks, she doesn’t make eye contact with anyone, just zones out and stares past the person’s shoulder…no emotion? I want to shake her and yell, “Wake up!”
Quieffer…loser…trash bag…rusty dumpster. Lock his sorry ass up.
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Vuuuhhhginya Said,
I cannot believe no one has posted about the water spilling all over Chelsea’s bed. I laughed so hard.
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Karen Said,
EVERYTIME I watch this show I see things (like the sandles with socks, barb buying fix a flat and jumper cables for jenelles birthday) and laugh my @$$ off wondering what Patrick will say about it in IBBB!!!
Adam TOTALLY kidnapped that little girl!!! Can’t believe it.
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Rgann222 Said,
Vuuuhhhginya….I know, I was surprised nobody mentioned it either. I love how she could have gotten electrocuted and MTV would just film that shit! LOL Oh and Aubree was def kidnapped.
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suzmac33 Said,
The only thing better than TM2 losers? Teen Mom the original. Anyone else see that Amber Portwood was busted with a ton of prescription drugs and spent her 2nd consecutive Christmas in a row in prison? That poor Leah. Hopefully Gary filled the Ski Challet with presents to make up for her missing mommy, take two.
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That's what she Said,
Is it weird that when I first read “Barb is decked out in enough leopard print that would make Chelsea start foaming from the mouth.” I thought you meant Chelsea, MA?
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KittyKat Said,
@suzmac33- At this point, Amber is just “Ambuuuh!” to Leah. She might become obese but at least Gary and his mom pay attention to her and put sheets on her bed.
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Rachel Said,
I laughed the entire way through this recap. Awsome work!
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Sierra Said,
Well at least Kieffer has a place to stay now.
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Icka Said,
Why did Keiffer keep calling the lady at the Jail, “Sir”?
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tay Said,
@icka I laughed at the same thing!
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KittyKat Said,
@Sierra- Bahaha! Truth! Keiffah finally has a home.
@Icka- I thought the same thing! Oh, Keiffah.
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Square Hair Said,
I loved it when Ali clapped in the doctor’s office and totally missed her hands – so cute!!! I understand that nothing is wrong with her eyes, but still something is wrong with her little legs!! How come they didn’t talk about that??
I also loved Leah’s grandma. I forgot what she said when they were standing out by Leah’s car but it came out SOOO country!
Kailyn looked like she died right after he put the Mirena in. Like seriously for 5 seconds she just stared and then just sat up LoL
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anggg Said,
KIERA thats really messed up to say…and you must come from the same dumbass neck of the woods as leah to think that would give the baby these types of problems.
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KIKI79 Said,
but still something is wrong with her little legs!! How come they didn’t talk about that??
^^^^YES!!!! why do they keep talking about her eyyyyeeees and not her disfigured leg??? i.don’t.get.it.
Keiffah and calling the lady “sir” **dead**
Chelsea~if my “ex” took my child for an entire day and didn’t answer a text or call, i’d be calling the police. she’s such an idiot-aaaaa. and don’t get me started on her little girl “voice”. STFU-aaaaa!!!! you’re not being cute, you’re being fat.
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RJ9678 Said,
@Brenda Walsh. Did you come up with “Adumb”? Fantastic!
Jordan needs to be evaluated. I think Maci should send Ryan, who has had experience with “The Slows”…
Is there WiFi on the grassy knoll?! LOL – I spit out my Toblerone. Happy Holidays! -
Wednesdaystreat Said,
I came back because I remembered other stuff, but luckily, it’s now been mentioned! Yes, I live for Wednesdays!
The water spillage was so great! Bet the bed is still wet and molding—did anybody notice how her sister told her, “I cleaned. Try to keep it that way.” Apparently, Chelsea is known to others, and not just us, for being a pig.
Keiffah and calling the lady “sir” was great too–probably heard another voice in his head.
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Sally Said,
Can I ask you a question? I’ll text it.
“Is Jordan slow?” -
donna Said,
wednesdaystreat,i noticed chelseas sis saying that too and was like wow,she must have been there for hours cause chelseas house is a mess.someone should really call hoarders,theyd have a ball with the trashheaps on this show.i wish the camera crew filmed adams day with aubree……
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KIKI79 Said,
Can I ask you a question? I’ll text it.
“Is Jordan slow?”i can’t. fucking hilarious.
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Lisa Said,
I know you don’t love Chelsea but we do need to have some discussion about her hair. Does she actually style it to look that way or has she just given up hope entirely and lives with perpetual bed-head in a headband. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this!
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Dirty Darl Said,
The after shows are the most awkward thing everrrrr
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OFD Said,
Chelsea is a Snooki wanna be…and she needs to dump dumbass…poor Aubrey has a mother that lets guys treat her like trash, and a father that’s only around when it’s convenient…
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just me Said,
omg!!! who wears socks with flip flops?????? WHO DOES THAT????? queen laqueffah thats who!! i live for these blogs on wednesdays…the entire show makes me laugh hysterically and i always come back here to read what patrick has to say lol!!
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Penelope Said,
Was anyone else feeling a little bit panicky when Adumb-uh had poor baby Aubree and wouldn’t take Chelsea-uh’s calls? So it wasn’t just me? OK, then.
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SimplySarah Said,
I think I need a brain MR-ahhh after watching this crapisode.
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katie Said,
the toilets aren’t going to unclog themselves…….classic! MR-eyyyeee love this blog.
also, i love the scenes they showed for next week. chelsea is sporting some george washington looking wig.
barb giggling made me wet my pants in delight. i wish she was my mom. -
Sue Said,
Why do Adam and Chelsea get in a phone fight over Taco Bell and there is no video? Aren’t they getting taped constantly? This also happened with Janelle and Kieffer’s second fight. I don’t get it.
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Vicky Said,
If i remember correctly, and since I stopped watching jersey shore halfway through the season and relied on these recaps I could be wrong however….didn’t Snooki leave boyfriends when they would treat her like poop? i do remember that regardless of what her boyfriends thought or said she always did “her” (and I did me). So Chelsea could actually LEARN something from Snooki and that….is actually really sad statement to have your name associated with,phew glad I’m not Chelsea!
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Wednesdaystreat Said,
GEORGE WASHINGTON LOOKING WIG!! That made me LOL
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SuzieQ Said,
RE: KIERA. This is the best EVER. Guess what Leah, your baby’s the product of what happens when your grandparents are brother and sister and get a little too freaky while doing chores out in the chicken coupe. No wonder they want to DNA the whole family…what a tangled mess that’s going to be, branches all intertwined and growing off one another.
IBBB if we go back to best of the week I for one vote for Kiera.
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LovetoReadHere Said,
Sue, My thoughts exactly–where is the footage of the Adam/Chelsea argument? I concluded it showed Chelsee-uh in a very bad-uh light . . .
I didn’t worry about Aubree-uh and Adumb-uh, because I’m starting to be on his side . . . I even had some pity for Keefah, tonight, he was sure pale . . . worst mistake he made in life was get hooked up with that li’l b*%& (and that goes for all the guys in this series).
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Yawny Said,
I thought Kail’s doctor was Jim Carey doing a In Living Color skit. It looked just like him!
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Gary's Huge Belly Said,
Who is aang? and why is he/she busting on KIERA? Don’t they know the kinds of people that love this blog? LOL
Chelsea’s hair is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen.
Barb is priceless..I wish there were a whole show just about her…she’s the best.
IBBB….I love you.
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KIKI79 Said,
aang is probably Leah or one of her dumbass friends
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lovesit Said,
I think the producers intentionally made sure we could hear how loud jenelle’s car is in this episode. It makes barb’s presents that much better.
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Mike Said,
The best part was when the Dr. told the cone head baby. Isaac. Birth control is cool
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feather Said,
ummm…keiffaaaahs socks & sandals?! THE BEST! my mom did that once on vacation and i made fun of her for being an asian tourist. kieffaaaaah, though, has no excuse. living in a grassy knoll…how can he even afford both?? unless the sandals are from his last stint in the slammer…that boy is just full of mysteries!
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Say what Said,
Cjyybr, try a little English, thks
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Janet's 'stache Said,
I know noone else feels this way, but my heart aches for Kail! I really think she’s doing her best. She’s always rushing around, from school, to work, to picking up and dropping off her son. She just always seems to be going going going. I don’t know, I just really have a soft spot for that girl.
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Ross and Rachel 4Life Said,
I’m late to the party admittedly but @sally, well played. Is it bad of me that I’m doing a little countdown to the dee-vorce of the century? Bring it, crunchy curls.
