Real Housewives of Atlanta: Phaedra the Phuneral Director

See what I did there? You know why me gusta Phaedra?  Because while others are trying to use the Housewives series to start a singing career, kick off a sex toy line, and launch a few books, Phaedra simply wants to own a funeral home and become a funeral director.  Is that creepy?  Of course.  Do I love it?  You know it.  Am I asking and answering my own questions?  None of your business.  I honestly thought last week with Phaedra and the funeral was the last we’d see of it, but this week she’s doing some additional “learning” with Willie Watkins. Too bad his middle name wasn’t “Walter” or something because then his funeral website could be www.www.com.  I think it’s a great idea.  Buy it.  From taking a peek at a wide variety of caskets, including ones that Phae-Phae thinks is so cheap she should just give it to them for free, to watching the man in the top hat march in the parking lot with all the funeral cars in the background.  And, seriously, what was up with the cars that played music on the outside as it drove?  I don’t know if it’s just me but the whole thing reminded me an episode of The Women of Brewster Place.  And the fact that Mr. Willie thought that Phaedra needed to wear a dress that went past her knees so she had to whip out a lace handkerchief and cover herself was, well, everything my heart could desire and more.  And also, less.

Later in their own random version of Oregon Trail, Cythnia (who’s still on the show), NeNe, and Kandi all take a trip to Miami for a “girls only” weekend.  They really needed to get away and, you know, film a TV show at the same time so this makes perfect sense.  The ladies can’t figure out for the life of them why there are so many other women everywhere they are and why, in fact, most of these women have short butch-like haircuts.  Hmmm, I wonder would it could be.  Spoiler Alert: Some randoms had to stop and tell them at lunch that they were in Miami during Lesbian Weekend.  I figured that should probably capitalized.  Either way, the odds aren’t in Kandi and NeNe’s favor to land themselves some men this weekend.  Although,  they did have a little luck at the beach when they sparked up some conversation with two random dudes with creepy accents throwing a Frisbee at each other like they were French dogs.  And one of the dudes was extra Level III because he kept pressing his body up against each lady when he kissed them on the cheek.  Gross. Sidenote, kudos to Kandi for showing off her rump roast whilst on the beach and, well, running like that at one point.

Things take a random turn when they all have to go with NeNe to look at a property she may want to buy that is listed at $9 million.  Sure.   Ok.  I believe NeNe can afford a $9 million dollar home like I can afford  a triple scoop ice cream cone with chocolate dip.  What?  We’re in a recession (I guess) and sometimes you have to choose between the 3rd scoop or the chocolate dip.  I mean, you could always order both and then write a check, but that typically holds up the line.  Um, I’ve heard.  Anyjunkinthetrunk,  it’s not like I think NeNe doesn’t have some “extra money” as compared to last season, but the fact that she keeps on screaming in everyones face that she’s rich is a little bit of a reach. It’s like when really short dudes by really big trucks.  And, therefore, I don’t by for a fact that she can afford $9 million.  If she could I’m sure she would have bought her son a car more expensive than $13,999 from last week.  Also, I don’t really care.  Blonk!  Bloop, bloop, bloop!

Speaking of “where did your money go?” why was Sheree taking her son to Play It Again Sport for cleats?  Is that place filled with used sports items?  And, not for nothing, but what ever happened to She By Sheree?  She knew she had a son, right?  She should have added cleats to her fashion line.  I kind of felt bad for her son especially because she was calling him out as quiet and shy and she was doing it on camera in front of “The America.”  Because at the end of the day there’s nothing more shy kids like than being embarrassed and on camera.  Lucky kid.  Hopefully the fact that Sheree called out that he’s a size 14 cleat will increase the chances of this kid getting a couple of dates.

Is it wrong that I was missing Phaedra after 20 minutes?  Well, I was.  Like NeNe, I OWN it!  Phaedra really wants her husband, Apollo, to join this funeral business and possibly be in charge of embalming.  Sounds fun!  Unfortunately, he kinda doesn’t want any part of the dead at all.  Phae Phae, of course, can’t seem to understand this and thinks that his current job is basically unimportant and boring.  Truth be told, she’s right.  Maybe he can just be responsible for driving the cars or releasing the dove at the end?  Either way, she’s his meal ticket so he should just do as she says like a true southern gentleman (greeter).

In the end, Kroy is trying to pull this elaborate surprise party for Kim’s 33rd (wink wink) birthday which consists of inviting about 7 people and ordering cold-cuts, fruit, and a chair massage.  After Kim and Kroy make it out to dinner (after Kim had to stop and pee 3,000 times) their conversation centers around guns.  Yes guns.  But, no, not for them to shoot but for their newborn baby to eventually shoot.  I think having a gun is a terrible idea and I think it’s even worse when it’s Kim’s house because one night she’s going to eventually be drunk and try to light her cigarette with the gun and accidentally shoot her wig right off!  Or, Sweetie will eventually pick the lock and shoot Kim in cold blood.  Either way, Kim gets her gift from Kroy which is a $22,000 bracelet.  So, yeah, thinking your husband really spent a bundle on your “Kay’s Jewelry” tennis bracelet probably really wasn’t that big of a deal after all.  Oh, and by the way every kiss doesn’t begin with “K.”  I mean there are french kisses and those begin with “Ph” “F.”  So stop lying, Kay’s!  Finally, Kim makes it home and is surprised by the 10 people standing in her kitchen.  At least the sex talk in front of the kids really livened things up so, well, there’s that.  Everyone seemed to really like Kroy and I do too.  I’m kidding, I don’t.  I prefer Kim’s boyfriends to be invisible and never shown on camera.  Blonk!