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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Bruise Cream, Because Hitting = Love
Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Looks like we’re two weeks going strong! Who knew? I mean, I knew but that’s only because I’m the one writing this junk. Was that not clear? This week Harriet Carter is helping you recover from a little issue. A little issue called, “Abuse.” Let’s go!
Playing another round of “Ike and Tina” and just about the time when AnnaMae is about to “eat the cake” you take a nice uppercut right to the eye? Yeah, we’ve been there. And so has Harriet Carter. Introducing ‘Arnica Bruise Cream!” Arnica, because people stop believing you bumped into the doorknob after the second time. Arnica, look for it in your local grocer’s freezer. I have no idea.
If you need to recover from the beating of your life, simply rub the “ABC” (as the woman’s shelter calls it) all over the impacted area (aka full body) and magically the “abuse kisses” quickly start to vanish! You’ll be ready to have dinner late again before you know it! If fact, your husband will be thinking, “Honey, I thought I slapped at you with the garden hose last night but it must have been a dream. So, the hose it is tonight! I’ll give you a five second head start.” You’ll both be squealing with delight over his apparent “mistake.” Even your two small kids who are shaking and hiding around the corner witnessing all this will yell out a good old fashioned “Daddy!” with a silly little grin on their traumatized faces.
Apparently the magic ingredient in this formula is “horse chestnut extract.” Is that code for horse nuts? More importantly do horses have nuts? I’m not an animal lover so I’m not sure. I am, however, an animal fighter but that’s a different story for a different time. Now if you really want to be proactive I recommend rubbing in the cream prior to taking the “tickle punches” because this way his fists of fury are likely to slip right off your body like a slip-n-slide and, this way, you’re already 5 minutes ahead of schedule on your road to recovery! Don’t just cover up your bruises with makeup like a caveman, get rid of them altogether with Arnia Bruise Cream. Arnica, because the root of the problem isn’t important.
Like Harriet Carter Wednesday? Click the “recommend” Facebook buttons and spread the word to your white trash family and friends and follow me on Facebook while you’re at it. You’ll hate it!
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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LisaP Said,
this could be sammi’s xenedrine. “hi, i’m sammi from jersey shore…” clips of her beatings could run in the background.
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KittyKat Said,
Gary probably has a good supply of this. And if he isn’t taking a beating from Ambuuuh, he’s using it as lube. Seriously, we should just buy every product from Harriet Carter you write about and send it to old Gar Bear.
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KittyKat Said,
Ya know what…eff your comment blocker! My thoughts MUST be expressed.
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KittyKat Said,
Ok, that one worked…try again with the original thought.
Gary probably has a hefty supply of this. Even when he’s not taking a beating from Ambuuh, he could use it as lubricant. Can we just purchase every product from Harriet Carter and send it to Gar Bear? So far, he’ll get great use out of them all!!
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alwayssunny Said,
what a great stocking stuffer this will make! do you think it comes with free home delivery courtesy of dss?
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Kiera Said,
lol…”slapped you with the garden hose” oh boy that’s dark but funny.
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QueenofCorona Said,
Chris Brown and Michael Lohan should be doing the infomercials for this product.
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VanderPUMPED! Said,
Send a truck load over to Michael Lohan’s “bed buddy” because he just got arrested AGAIN for domestic abuse.
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dacabsarehere Said,
Kitty, I agree with you! I think his comment blocker needs a good ol’ fashion “eat the cake, you damn blocker” moment. I’d like to get the comment blocker right in the chestnuts …
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KittyKat Said,
I am purchasing two bottles of this. One, of course, for Gary. The other is for IBBB’s comment blocker. I will not only make it eat the cake but it will also get a swift kick down some stairs.
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DebbieS. Said,
@LisaP, I was thinking the same thing…Sammi will probably order this by the truckload.
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lav Said,
they also sell “nfl blankets with sleeves”! so just in case the bruise cream doesn’t work, you can just wear your “nfl blanket with sleeves” everywhere. nope, it’s not a snuggie, it’s an nfl blanket with sleeves. good old harriet carter.
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kerry Said,
I was going to make the obvious Taylor comment, but chickened out and thought I’d see if someone else would. We’s classy on this here blog
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Erica Said,
lol… that is way tooo funny!!! good stuff!
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Lora Said,
This stuff is great for when you give someone’s kids pizza without a vegetable!
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Brenda Walsh Said,
What happened to the RH of BH recap from Monday? Don’t tell me we’re going to be deprived of your comments regarding Kim’s “boyfriend!”
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Lisa Said,
bw – i was wondering that too. i don’t have “the facebook” so i thought maybe ibbb posted why.
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Synda Said,
Yep, we need a recap of RHBH asap.
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Ana Said,
What gives, IBBB? Please dont say youve given up on this blog!
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Synda Said,
We are being UNATTENDED!
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Suki Suki Said,
Awwww where have you been ?!?!?!? Ummm make sure to blog the new season of Mob Wives when it starts..that ought to be good.
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Angie Said,
Dear IBBB, no recap for Hotlanta or BH?! I think I speak for all of us when I say we need a fix, and we need it bad! xx
