Oct
21

Jersey Shore Season Finale: Clutch in the Cooch

Posted by IBBB

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Well, my friends, it’s the last crapisode of Jersey Shore. It seems like just yesterday we were learning how Italy officially hated “The America” after the kids from the Jersey Shore landed on their little island (?) and, you know, ruined it. Now today, they’re getting ready to leave. You can tell that this show should have ended 47 episodes ago because the first 35 minutes were absolutely pointless. Don’t get me wrong, the last 35 minutes were just as bad. Wait, does that total 60 minutes? Eh, my abacus has been rusted shut for a month, unlike VaDeena’s gentlemen greeter. Hey-oh! Either way, we pick up right where we left off last week (yawn) by Grandpa Sitch coming home from “da club” all alone after he tried to have an official Italian “sass-off” with random patrons who would, most likely, kick his elderly ass. In order to celebrate his own return, Sitch decides to roundhouse kick the walls a few times and shove a sub down is mouth whilst he watches Snooki slumber. It was like watching Paranormal Activity except instead of the ghost watching the couple sleep for 8 hours we’re forced to watch a really greasy older gentlemen with puffy bloat drool over a little over-tanned tot wearing a fright wig that you find in the Halloween aisle of Walgreens right next to all the dented cans of Silly String. You know the aisle. Either way, same/same.

By the time Yawnie and Yawnie make it home from “da club” they decided that the roided out Yawnie should wake up Grandpa Sitch from his alcohol induced sleep and tell him what he really thinks of him. That makes sense. Why not be a man about it and say it behind his back in the diary room and then discuss it after the show airs and you’re caught red-handed upwards of three months later? I mean, that would be my reality show strategy. But I’m different. I’m also less oily. Regardless, Ron decides to tell Sitch that he needs to fix his burnt bridges or he shouldn’t go to Jersey to film the next season. Uh, they’re called “burnt bridges” for a reason. You can’t really fix them. You just find another way to move forward. Usually it’s a lot longer of a trail, but you still get to your destination nonetheless. Trust me, I’ve burnt enough bridges that I have endless buckets of toll money. What? I jump in the water after I burn the bridges so I can collect the coins from the toll. What? You don’t do that? You don’t? Oh. Me either.

Later, since Sam and Ronnie haven’t been able to express their feelings to each other via punches and other violent measures, they decide to do sex to each other. They gather all their belongings like they’re headed on an adventure via the Oregon Trail and get the smoosh room ready for sex. This consists of placing one skid-marked sheet on the filthy mattress and turning on the 1970’s fan that is at the very end of the bed. Romantic. Because at the end of the day when two dirty Italians are in the heat of the moment you definitely want that smell spread evenly all throughout an enclosed room. It must smell like an Italian sub was deep-fried and left out in the sun for the summer and then sh*t on by a skunk and then ravaged by a rabid raccoon and then eaten by Snooki and then sh*t out back on the bed. And then Deena rolled around in it. And then she did squats. So, yeah, that’s the smell I’m sure. AnywhattheF, 5 minutes later they are done having sex and both can go on with their miserable lives. I wonder if sex gave Sammi that black eye. I’m kidding. I’m sure Ron’s fists-o-fury did that.

After more boring crap happens the gang (minus JWoww because she looks like a truck hit her…again) decide to go out to “da club” so they can be well behaved and not embarrass The America. Of course I mean the opposite of that. After 5 minutes of spending quality time together everyone basically runs like al qaeda when they hear a low-level plane nearing them. What, I know some political junk and stuff. Team Meatball heads off to some crack-den where they can dry-hump a couch and pretend that we all don’t know that they’ve gotten fat. Suddenly we come upon some random drunken(er) chick who crashes their dance party and slouch-dances on the couch whilst doing gun-salute dance moves with her fingers and then somehow she literally shoves VaDeena’s purse up her vagina. I kid you not. Honestly, why do I have the feeling that having VaDeena’s purse shoved up some random girls greeter is actually more sanitary than having VaDeen hold it with her bare hands? A clutch up the cooch is also the official way of letting people know its Daylight Savings time in Italy. Ole!

Sidenote, VaDeena and Snooki stumbled home and VaDeena took off her shoes so the bottom of her feet now are an exact match of her liver, heart, soul, and back teeth. Just a guess.

Yawn. We’re off to the pizza place where the gang was asked to bring clothes that represent themselves so the creepy pizza place owner can hang them from the inexplicable clothes line he has hanging over his customers. He wants something that everyone can remember them by. Wouldn’t it be better if they all just shot their own bodily fluids into the pizza sauce? I mean, this way at least when hundreds of patrons get random STDs and it becomes a pandemic they can be like, “Hey! My d*ck burnt off because I had a slice of pizza that Snooki made!” I think that leaves a much more personal touch. Although, seeing VaDeena’s husky thong hanging over your head is, well, pretty special too. Vinny should have left his lazy eye.

After another Sunday-like dinner the “girls” decide to help out and clean up a bit. This consists of Snooki trying to scrub what I can only assume is aborted fetus off of everything in the living room and VaDeena mopping up semen spills off the wooden floor. Of course VaDeena falls whilst mopping and I’m pretty certain I hit rewind on my DVR upwards of 23 times.

Later the Douche Bag Brigade decides to take a formal walking tour of Italy. When having to decide if they were more interested in “art” or “history” everyone had a look on their face like someone just told them that they were off the TV show and would be forced to become normal working members of society. Complete horror. They do, however, end up meeting up with their tour guide who may or may not be a cast-member of Diddler on the Roof and for some reason he is yelling into a megaphone right in their faces even though there is only about 7 of them and they’re standing two inches away from him. Speaking of two inches, Snooki wants to spray tan the Statue of David and at one point when they’re looking at a ceiling painting that Michelangelo did she asks if it was real that “those babies really had wings.” Yes, Snooki, they did. Back in the olden days there were flying babies that carried bow and arrows. I mean they couldn’t speak or hold their own head up, but they could fly and shoot. Bricks.

In the end, the gang has some drinks on top of some mountain. I was waiting for Old Susanna to be coming around that mountain when she comes, when she comes. But, alas, she didn’t and they all just drink and Grandpa Stich gets to faux-apologize to all of them for being an older gentlemen who should no longer be on this show, or in society for that matter. However, this “new Sitch” isn’t that new anymore because once they all head out to “da club” he picks a fight with some little kid and “the gang” turns on him yet again. Regardless, Sitch still decides that he is going to go to the Jersey Shore “next season” and everyone looks disgusted. In the end, they line up mattresses down the flights of stairs and throw their luggage, pride, and themselves down the stairs so they can all hop and on plane and get the F out of Dodge before Italy actually starts a war with us.

I’m dumber for watching. You’re dumber for reading this. Let’s all do it again next season! The reunion was just as terrible, but let’s discuss it in the comment section below. Hell, even I’ll toss in a comment or two and, let’s face it, I’m the worst!

33 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

IBBB Said,
Fan of these Jersey Shore recaps and IBBB? Well join me on my Facebook page…it’s much worse over there!

http://www.facebook.com/people/Patrick-Varone/1591687454

and follow me on Twitter because, well, Kelly Cutrone does so….

http://www.twitter.com/ibbb

-IBBB
IBBB Said,
-Reunion –

1. VaDeena literally had on Morticia Addams fright wig
2. Half the cast was Burnt Sienna, the other half were Brick Red
3. Why everyone was doing “made up character voices” was beyond me.
4. Do they just edit it Ronnie’s “jokes” after different people speak?
5. The host was a healthier, sluttier version of Lindsay Lohan
6. Is it wrong that I don’t like it when Snooki yells at JWoww?
7. The fact that VaDeena and everyone else is still talking about the “finger pop” (if that’s in fact what they’re saying) is amazing.
8. It’s strange when there isn’t a video montage of Sammi and Ronnie screaming at each other all whilst Ronnie completely redecorates Sammi’s bedroom by flipping everything over and dumping everything out.
9. Why was there not one question to see if Snooki and Jionni were still together? Dear baby Jesus, why do I even care?!
10. Pauly D/Ellen Travolta for President

Anything else you rust dumpsters want to discuss about the reunion or the season finale? Post it here. Duh.

-IBBB
Dawn Said,
Ha! The only thing I cared to hear about was if Snookie and Jionni were still together…. losers for not asking. Which makes me think they aren’t and Snookie refused to talk about it.
Also- I would have loved to see Jwoww come down and smack the alcohol right out of Snookie’s blood. Ugh.
Huh? Said,
JWoww’s face on the reunion? Yikes. It’s just so wrong.
Murray Said,
Patrick,
Seems like only yesterday you were so excited about this show…at first, I couldn’t believe this was going to be an actual show! Now it seems you, like the rest of us, is over the jersey shore…are you looking forward to next season?
Julezy Said,
I hope to GOD that there is no season 6 of this show! it needs to end after they air season 5…its def run its course….enough!
Lisa Said,
in this week’s intouch gionni and snookie just celebrated their one-year anniversary.
i can’t believe i even just typed that. i have to go find my dignity. i am sure it is around here somewhere.
i agree with murray and julezy – this show needs to just GO.
kerry Said,
I think the host either hooked up or wants to hook up with Pauly. Just a vibe

These chicks have grossed me out all season bringing their filthy, germ encrusted feet into their beds. I can’t even imagine doing that in NY. Hell, I don’t even like sitting on my bed in “outside” clothes, but I’m aware that might just be me.

Mike has definitely aged out of this show. Instead of his lame schemes he should just get a somewhat steady girlfriend for next season and try to make that entertaining.
KittyCouture Said,
A few observations:

1. Deena looked disgustingly ugly. Does she not realize what she looks like? Does she not have a mirror or a friend or screaming children that will not alert her to how she looks? She actually looked better on the show than at the reunion which I thought was a huge feat. Her hair was disgusting, her nails were hideous and her skin color was disturbing. I dont think she is a big girl but the camera and the skanky skin-tight clothes she wears make her look really chunky. She and Snooky looked gross and greasy. Ick.

2. Why does Mike wear his watch on the palm of his hand?!?! Every time they showed him, his watch was stuck up on his hand at the base of his fingers. Someone needs to let him know its called a “wristwatch” not a “douche-bag a-hole watch”.

3. Where are these people’s parents and family members? Are they still claiming these monsters? I would be so disowned if I acted this way…
Jacki O Said,
Snooki Tweets she and Jionni are together all the time. It’s Rammi who just broke up.

IBBB- I almost whomped Snooki for yelling at Jenni! Plastic surgergy addiction or not, she dod nto deserve that. Also was she the only one not called up on the interview couch from the “gallery”. Seems like there wil be a Snooki/Deena spinoff now.

I want to have Pauly D babies.
Jacki O Said,
Sorry for the typos, it’s Friday.
kas Said,
Kelly Cutrone follows you on Twitter?? OOh, la-la Patrick!!

@Kitty Couture: Deena is THAT GIRL, who will not go above a certain designated size for her clothes, no matter how it makes her look. She is both short and extremely short-waisted, which is a tough combo on TV.

Oh, and Pauly confirming YET AGAIN that Mike never uses Condoms. So many levels of BLECH!!! there……

Snooki is an asshole. Jenni may have been less fun this go ’round, but her refusal live on Nicoles’ bizarre Fantasy Island, where when you lie on national television nobody is ever the wiser, actually makes her a good friend. She has Deena for that idiocy.
dacabsarehere Said,
You people realize why this season sucked, right? Because Ron and Sam weren’t tossing each other’s belongings around like a bag of flaming poo. Everyone was so annoyed with their antics and bullcrap last season but just like the clap, once it’s gone you get boreddd. At least that’s how I think it works for Snooki’s boyfriend.

I for one have high hopes for next season. For one, I hope Deena loses 20 pounds, her thunder thighs scare me, Pauly D and I’m guessing her pants too. I hope Ronnie trips and lands on some random chicks vagina, therefore recreating WW1000 between him and Sammi. I hope Alien fingers finds something to bitch about other than how much people hate him, I mean by now that should be a given. I hope Jwoww forgets to inject her face and we can actually see some movement in it. Lastly, I hope Pauly D marries me and everyone else realizes that Snooki is called a meatball for a reason. It’s not a sex symbol status, she’s not “hot”, I wouldn’t even classify her as “cute.” She’s basically a troll with a bump on her head and I hope Vinny, Gionnnnny and Stich realize this and stop giving her the time of day, yanno so she has more time to practice scissors with Vadeena and help that heffah work out dem legs.
Lisa Said,
WTF goes through Deena’s head when she’s getting ready. her outfits and that hair….gah! she can’t possibly think that looks cute.

I’m not sure what JWoww did to her face, but she looks so odd now. I was shocked to learn that she’s 2 years younger than me. all that tanning and hard living makes all of them look at least 5 years older than they actually are.
WOW Said,
Deena and her wardrobe look horrible 100% of the time (not to be mean, but its true!) she needs to be on that TLC show “What NOT to Wear”!! They could teach her a thing or 2 about how to dress your body type.

JWoww looks like an alien now, plain and simple. An anorexic alien.
Angie Said,
Between the thought of girls actually letting Mike get it in without a condom and seeing the black bottoms of Deena’s feet, the whole episode made me want to puke all over the place. Doesn’t Deena realize the reason she’s always losing her balance and falling over is because her feet are disproportionately small for her thick ass body? Seriously girl, your center of gravity is wayyy off.
SnarkySmurf Said,
I actually like JWoww, I think she’s “matured” beyond the rest of the crowd, as much as this is possible for a Jersey Shore cast member. Did anyone catch how she said, “I believe whatever Snooki told me back in December is true,” which probably called Snooki out on confessing to her back in December that she did the downward deedlydo with Mike … and Snooki totally looked guilty after she said that.

I actually love Pauly and Vinny together and want to hang out with them for some good laughs. They seem like good peeps (other than treating the girls they bring home from the bars like dirt).
SnarkySmurf Said,
Also, the commentating on the reunion? Really, we didn’t need a hashed out breakdown on the situation of Deena burning her hair with the flatiron. The flatiron burned her hair off. End of story.

And finally, when Deena was like “I LOVE U GUUUUYS” at the end of the reunion, I definitely sensed the rest of the crew were basically like “Meh” back at her.
Jess Said,
Yup totally believable that grandpa Sitch has so many other career options he was not going to go to the jersey shore for the 50k an episode because he felt “alone”

I wish MTV would stop making them pretend they are famous

Jersey shore – how could you have flamed out so quickly!
Anonymous Said,
Why was mike dressed like and had the hair cut of a member of kriss kross??
SnarkySmurf Said,
@Anonymous, you totally aged yourself as being in MY age bracket with that Kriss Kross reference!!
tiff Said,
did anyone else notice how weirdly huge mike’s arms were. and that there were lots of pimple looking things on the tops of his arms. roids perhaps?

deena is absolutely ridiculous looking. what the hell is up with her hair. how can she look in the mirror and think “yes, this looks good”

i love pauly and vinny. but they are taking their bromance a little bit too far.

jenny’s face is weird. i do love her boobies though!

snookie and jionni are still together according to all the twit pics she always posts of the two of them.

ronnie and sam are boring again. but i do prefer the whole show not revolving around their stupid fights.
Adrienne Said,
BTW, that was not the real David that they were viewing – it’s a copy. The real David is in the Accademia under heavy guard. What a terrible tour guide!
Zella Said,
My suggestions for making next season worth watching:

1) Pauly finds himself drunk and desperate and gives the SeaSide stalker, Danielle, a go one night. I also think he should do sex with Vadeena (making her a Pauly stalker also) resulting in Vadeena and Danielle having a brutal physical dispute that ends with Danielle partially bald and broken and Vadeena in a wheelchair for life.

2) Ron should get into more random fist fights on the board walk. He should also lose each time.

3) Sammi should find a guy who is bigger and scarier than Ron who sweeps her off her little orange sun damaged feet.

4) Jenni should come back looking like Joan Rivers. Or wait, she did that last season. Jenni should dump Roger and let us
see her single for once. She should also do us all a favor and K.O. Snooki.

5) Speaking of Snooki, she’s done so much already there isn’t too much else she could do to shock us. Snooki should become possessed by a demon; making her behave inappropriately, be uncaring about her appearance and forcing her to say insane nonsense shit on the daily. Or wait….nevermind. Snooki has no other cards to play: she’s done slutty, crazy, bitchy, drunk and scary. The only thing shocking left for her to do is become a normal, showered, sober person. And who wants to watch that?

6) Vinny, hmm…Vinny….yeah, I got nothing. Perhaps he and Jwoww should do sex just to stir shit up with Snooki. A fight would break out and this would give Jenni the opportunity to K.O. Snooki! Yes, perfect plan.

7) Mike. Mike should just accept himself for who he really is and just cut the crap. He should find a lasting, loving relationship before his dick falls off. And when he finds the man for him, he will finally be treated like the woman he’s been acting like this whole time.
kasey Said,
Jionni is legitimately my brother’s wife’s sister’s husband’s cousin’s brother in law. Be jealous. I heard they are still together.
lav Said,
@ kasey – totally jealous. you should try to meet him and see how tall he really is.

god, this show makes me feel so dumb. i can’t believe i watch it. you just can’t look away!!
Amber Said,
I didn’t realize how “pale” they’d become in Italy until the reunion show. Holy orange skin, Batman.
Since the consensus is that Jionni and Snooki are still together, I guess he is clutching to his 7 1/2 minutes of fame with his stubby little fingers as tightly as he can. There’s just nothing left to say about Snooki.
Deena is disgusting. In so many ways. That she thought it was at all appropriate to hang her thong in a pizza joint is just wrong…though Ronnie’s (?) line about being unaware that Deena even wears underwear made me laugh. And those disgusting dirty feet. My God. It’s good thing I learned long ago to not watch this show while eating. And her hair at the reunion was unbelievable. Like, I don’t even know.

And finally, as disgusting as it is to know that Sitch doesn’t wear condoms, it is more disturbing to me that he has found chicks to do the sex with him without said condoms. My faith in humanity (what little there was left) is gone. Completely.
Natalie Said,
Just give Pauly his own show and be done with this mess already! I want Pauly to have his own Truman Show and have cameras covering all angles at all times!

I wanted someone to yell at Vinny during the reunion. If Ronnie is a Swagger Jacker, WTF is Vinny? He came on to the show w/ nothing at all that set him apart from anyone, he was the most boring, the Danny from New Kids on the Block. Now he thinks he is as funny as Pauly, but hes not. He just copies everything he does. I find him annoying as hell.
Heynow221 Said,
@Natalie, i agree 100%. i dunno why i can’t stand vinny. Maybe i’m jealous ( i fantasize about Pauly all the time:) however, i think pauly does have a weird crush on Vin… i’ve been saying it, i really think Pauly needs to come out.
sorry y’all

VaDeena LEGIT had my halloween ‘02 wig on!!

maybe if they introduce a really hot, cool girl next season that takes the spotlight off the two disgustings.
Christina Said,
Agreed with #6 IBBB! I am tired of hearing Snooki call Jenni a bad BFF. WTF is wrong with you? You sucked a roomates d*ck and 3 hours after your boyfriend left your ass in Italy for your “kuka” being flashed at “da club”, you SLEEP with Lazy Eye??? But Jenni is wrong for telling you what you did is wrong….Really??
Christina Said,
Oh, and PS – as a Jersey girl, I DIE inside every time I hear Snooki or VaDeena say “We are from Jersey..” SHUT UP ALREADY!! I am tired of explaining to the rest of society that not everyone in NJ is like these two “meatballs”. Ugh.
DebbieS. Said,
Anyone who has had a spiraling out-of-control alcoholic friend knows how draining they can be. Snooki calling Jenni a bitch just goes to show she doesn’t understand what a pain-in-the-ass, disgusting, drunken, self-centered mess she has become. Jenni has matured and appears to be over it. Snooki will never get over being “Snooki”, long after anyone has stopped caring.
The fun of the first season was they were just average kids having fun, and now they think they are big stars.
Snooki and Deena look like they smell, not just down there but all over. Like old booze, some sickly sweet cheap cologne, crusty sweat and, if Snooki brushing her teeth with her finger in that RICCIONE episode, gaggy oral hygiene.
DebbieS. Said,
@Christina, I feel for you. I’m sure NJ is loaded with classy, good people who are embarrassed at the representation. Everytime these “JS” girls say anything disgusting they say it’s cause they’re from jersey. No, it’s because you’re disgusting “Slut-Pigs” with no vocabulary that doesn’t contain sexual referances.
I get teased for being from Minnesota, but that’s nothing compared to the impression the jersey Shore has imprinted on America.