10
Real Housewives of New Jersey: This Season Was 1/16th Good
Wow I can’t believe this is the last episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey already! It seems like it just started 14 months ago and now we’re wrapping it up. So what will happen? Will Lauren finally be charged for the brutal strangling of Ashley? Will the Brothers Manzo get a spinoff show that’s played on whatever channel the UPN turned into at 2:30am? Will Teresa learn words? Moreover, will Milania be able to slap and claw her way out of New Jersey once and for all? None of this and less will be answered during the season finale.
Well it was a let down. Should I stop right here? I’ll go on, a little. This last episode left me feeling one thing; unattended. I mean, Rosie didn’t even make a guest appearance. Unattended! The editing machine at the Bravo rust dumpster tried to tie this season up with 42 minutes of everyone getting along and being forgiving. Uh, if I wanted to watch uneducated people be nice to each other in front of a camera I’d tune into reruns of Little House on the Prairie. What’s worse is that they had to cram in one last segment of Caroline’s Rules. Can one of those rules be “Caroline needs to stop sounding pissed off and bothered every time she talks into the microphone?” because it should be. I believe her segment included people calling in to tell Caroline what their dream is. I’m not kidding. One crazy b*tch (who was probably Kim G disguising her voice) called in to say that her dream is to own a huge house and fill it with children. Creeptastic. So she either wants start a local child prostitution ring or she’s a pedophile. Either way, I hope someone calls the authorities.
As if things can’t get worse we all get to saddle up and watch Kat’s daughter, “Glamor Teeth,” get ready for her school formal. This would have been the perfect time for Rosie to come in as the limo driver. Alas, it doesn’t happen. The only bit of comic relief is when Richie asks Victoria’s date if he’s ever had broken nuts before. So is he trying to scare him or tea-bag him because, once again, I’m feeling unattended. #Unattended! Hash tag, hash tag, hash tag! At one point I thought they were actually at the formal but then realized that about 100 people are in a tent on Kat’s front lawn taking pictures in front of a step-and-repeat. Oddly enough, that tent is the size of their actual house. Poor Kat is crying because she feels like her kids are growing up too fast and, also, I don’t care. Punch someone. Next!
Later, it’s picture day at Teresa’s house! The whole fam-i-ly is going to be together for this picture. I figured they’d do an oil painting, you know, because they’re Italian and all but they just hired some Sears kids portrait photographer to take 1 million pictures of them instead. This lady is bat-sh*t crazy. First off she’s rocking a half-grown-out Ma’am Paupadopolis haircut and she’s holding a feather duster and trying to make everyone smile by changing her voice and, literally, saying, “Uh oh did someone just fart?” I found myself blurting out, “Yeah Ma’am someone did. That’ll be me. And as long as I’m in the privacy of my own home I’ll do as I please.” Then I farted again and ran to the bathroom because I thought I had an accident. The point is, be careful when you do that after a night of beers and bar food. I mean, who the hell needs to clean that up at 10:30pm on a Sunday night? Certainly not me. Where was I? Ah yes, speaking of little sh*t’s, cue Milania. Dear Blessed Mother Bindi Irwin I love that Milania! She’s a train wreck. Here’s what I feel like she must think every morning when she gets up:
1. Punch my sisters
2. Declare Jihad on at least 10 rooms in this hollow house by lunch
3. Spank the baby
4. Watch Dora
5. Jump on sisters head and couch (repeat many times)
6. Scream all whilst hair is in its “rats nest” stage
7. Slap people in the face (feel free to replace with punches if needed)
8. Figure out ways to be worse than the Tasmanian Devil
9. Choke b*tches
10. Color
I think she sticks to a tight, yet productive, schedule. Good for her. Everyone is getting along great because Teresa won’t stop saying, “I want my family to be together.” Seriously, the “drink” word should definitely be “Be Together.” Also, you know how in the middle of the mall they have those woman who appear to use a needle and thread to remove part of your eyebrows? Can Teresa have that done to her hairline? I’m not kidding, if they could thread off like 7-12 inches of hairline I bet she’ll look way better. Either way, the pictures are taken all throughout the afternoon even though Teresa’s dad wants to dirt-nap himself the second he walks in the house. The only thing really missing from Picture Day is Gia (z-snap) singing one of her real upbeat and uplifting songs. How ’bout a little ditty about Grandpa’s pending death? I’m sure “Zia Melissa” can have her producers mix it and make it into a “dance hit” that “no one” is “dancing to” in ” da clubs.” Not sure why all the quotes but it just really seemed necessary.
Ashley…I mean “Ashlee” will burn in hell. Next.
I feel like some other stuff may have happened but, to be honest, it legit was all horrible. It wasn’t until about 10:50 that we were even introduced to Teresa’s cookbook. Now, I don’t know a lot about cookbooks as I only make sandwiches but, uh, I’m pretty sure her book is missing…uh…the recipes? Everyone is up in flabby arms because in Teresa’s introduction she basically makes fun of Caroline the whole time, but there isn’t an insult that they take more to heart that Teresa saying that Caroline is only 1/16th Italian. The horror! I’m pretty sure she also said that Caroline is as Italian as the Olive Garden and that her cookbook is for “families” so she doesn’t believe in having strippers work at a car-wash. Seriously, I honestly don’t think anyone edited her book. Like, I think Teresa wrote it exactly they way she speaks…impeccably. The fact that she could even string words together to form sentences that were kind of almost insults is kind of a big deal. So, bravo, for Tre-bagger! Jacqueline even gets involved by talking to Teresa about how her “1/16th Italian” reference is really hurtful to the Manzo’s because you never say that to an Italian. I’m sorry is all of this actually happening? For the love of God, someone punch someone! Hit someone. I want assault! I want battery! I want black-and-blue mug shots! Something. Anything. I’m running out of breath.
In the end, Caroline is pissed at Teresa and knows that their friendship has changed. The only good thing that will come out of this is that next season (next year) maybe they’ll fist fight? I don’t know. I didn’t think I would ever say this, but bring Danielle back. At least she’s so crazy that it was easy to make fun of. This crap is grasping at straws. I did hear, however, that Rosie will be making more appearances next season so looks like my make believe letter writing campaign has paid off. To conclude, Teresa can’t understand why everyone is pissed at what she said in her cookbook because she was “just being funny.” She actually said that everyone says that she’s so funny “like Lucille Ball” so she wanted to be funny in her cookbook. Brilliant. I’m pretty sure I was the one who called her the “Lucille Ball of our generation” but I’m just as equally sure I was saying it on “Opposites Day.” Either way, if this is the case Barney is totally Ethel Mertz.
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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QueenofCorona Said,
I too was hoping “Rosie” aka Sylvio from The Soprano’s would be on this episode. Let down. Nice shrine of Victoria her mom has leading to to Rapunzel’s bedroom. Was it an 80’s prom theme? I had Tiffany’s “I Think We’re Alone Now,” in my head as she vogued her way down the steps.
Jacqueline is the new dead eyes Farrah. I do like Uncle Flamboyant, he keeps shits real. Asslee, your new tat does look like someone dropped a deuce on your footsie.
Teresa and Little Joe’s dad is a walking mummy. I’d go commatose also if my kids turned out to be bat shit raging looney tunes like T & LJ.
Did I catch a Justin “Beaver” in there Teresa? No one wants to go see Justin Bieber or your beaver for that matter.
Was Gia wearing her flapper Halloween costume for the family pic? Way to be thrifty, poors. Insert Z-snap.
Whats the deal with the Mr T bling Little Joe made his kids wear for the picture? I pity the fool. Every fool in that family.
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giacomo Said,
Aaaaargh! (Love ‘glamor teeth’). AshLEE’s tats will serve her well – in porn, people don’t remember names so much, so she’s got a swell identifier. Seriously, though – ANOTHER family member brought in to say the same shit to the same, vapid waste who cries whenever anyone mentions ‘work’ or ‘plan’?
I’ll miss this blog because, after the reunion, I be done. It’s too much…trying on Bravo’s part, so that you can’t tell if Tre’s dumb insults were her’s, the publisher demanding them to sell the garbage, the network demanding them to sell the show, or the publisher as owned by the network…etc.
Best thing: WTF with that horrific photog and the strategy of treat the elderly like they’re retarded children, to make them smile? -
Heynow221 Said,
Justin BEAVER. i did rewind to make sure.
I <3 Milania jumping on Gabriella's back and spanking the ish outta her.. hahaI keep reading around that Melissa Gorga is half black? What's the 411 there??
And how is Caroline 1/16th Italian?
Intrigued… HELP! -
Heynow221 Said,
look at these pics!
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giacomo Said,
AshLEE’s tats will serve her well; in the low-budget porn industry, names are lost, but people remember body art.
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Heynow221 Said,
meanwhile did anyone watch “watch what happens live”.. (sorry just catching up on DVR. horray columbus day off!)
Anyway, Andy mentioned Georgia O’Keeffe in re: melissa’s shoes. LOLOLOL
Wow i’ve never seen such a dumb group of people.. sad. -
LisaP Said,
heynow221 – can you explain? i didn’t watch but i can’t imagine any of these dopes knowing one thing about g o’k. it is really incredible how ridiculously ignorant they are. don’t they care at all??? it’s confounding to me.
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Kathryn Said,
Did anyone notice the timing was WAY off? Kathy and her daughter went shopping for that dress weeks ago and I thought it was a Fall formal, but chronologically, this was at least in Jan/February?
Also – there was no snow on the ground and no one was in heavy coats? Caroline and family were gathered outside reading in regular light clothing.
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Heynow221 Said,
haha he was insinuating that Melissa’s shoes looked like vaginas
HEHEHE
right over their heads though. My other comment isn’t posted yet for some reason, but i’ve been wondering if Melissa is half black? Her sisters look nothing like her though. I read on some other blog that the gossip from back in the day (about theresa’s nephew, that they didn’t acknowledge or something) was that Joe Gorga (? unless there’s another brother) had married a black girl (melissa?) and the family was upset and they disowned him… & refused to acknowledge his kid.
i mean, obviously it’s a blog so .. whatevers. but i thought it was interesting. thoughts? -
Kat's sister Said,
Ibbb – rewind the tape! Go back to the tent before the dance and watch them posing for pics. In that, you will see Rosie, I promise!
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kas Said,
It was awesome that Teresa really could not figure out why calling Caroline 1/16 Italian meant she’d called Chris the same. You could see the little wheels slowly turning.
As a great man might say: “Bricks.”
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Kathryn Said,
Melissa Gorga looks Puerto Rican, not black.
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Polly Said,
I’m sure I caught Rosie’s mug scowling at something in the tent, too.
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Sharma Said,
Justin Beaver. Priceless.
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Kiera Said,
Wow…I just read the ‘Look Inside’ tab on Teresa’s book on Amazon. Pages 13-14 were nothing but senseless jabs at her family. She wrote, “You can’t pick your family”…how is that supposed to be funny? She then ends it with, “There I go, smack talking again” Nice Tree…oh so classy.
Go on and read the comments, many people are giving her 1 star and dumping on her book…lol.
http://www.amazon.com/Fabulicious-Teresas-Italian-Family-Cookbook/dp/0762442395
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Nash-ty Said,
Did anyone else see “Lucy” using a meat tenderizer to place the nail for the family photo? I am having a hard time understanding why Ashlee legally changed the spelling of her name. How stupid! And how can you be 1/16 Italian if your grandparents on both sides come from Italy? I am sorry to say, but I have jumped from Theresa’s side to Melissa’s side. I love me some Joe Gorga.
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Andrea Said,
Oh sure, Teresa can do math? FRACTIONS? There’s no freakin’ way she can calculate how many 16ths of an Italian someone is. I wanna see the worksheet that got her to that number.
I did the same thing as HeyNow – rewound (2 or 3 or 6 times) to see the illiterate say what I thought she said, “Justin Beaver.” baaahahaha!!!!
Ashlee’s swallow tattoo is possibly the most appropriate tattoo every placed on someone’s skin. That’s the only thing that kid’ll be ever to make money doing! Until her Uncle pointed out that calling it a “swallow” in a bar wasn’t a good idea, it had never even crossed their deficient brains! And that tattoo on her foot isn’t so huge – why be upset about a foot tattoo when you have “I swallow” scrolling down your forearm?? Really Jacqueline?
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Dasha Said,
Where to begin? This show became so stupid and boring this season that I found myself arranging my sock drawer for entertainment and using it as background noise. The “storyline” became so uninteresting clearly the bravo cameraman went comatose while filming and they were left with a final episode pieced together from the trash basket. Watching glamor teeth get ready for her freakin’ high school formal? That’s as boring as actually getting ready for your freakin’ high school formal. Watching paint dry as they take a family portrait (altho Milania made that worthwhile!)? Why am I watching people do their chores? Being subjected to yet another family member rag on Ashlee about her total waste of space existence? Let’s all just call a family meeting, pass the hat and pay for a uhaul to move her ass out to California, puh-leeze.
I think the only reason they introduced the cookbook controversy is so that they have something to flip tables over at the reunion since everyone has made nice. PS Melissa is still disgusting and so is her pervert husband. -
giacomo Said,
Sorry about the repeat on my part.
Patrick, I truly can’t go here next season, but will you still be my BF? -
gavin Said,
totally agree with many of the previous comments about the snooze-fest of a season this turned out to be considering the christening melee was a genius start filled with so much promise…
bravo should make it up to us by editing all the milania footage into a one hour milania special. to air all her alpha-dog behavior as they did, imagine what else they must have recorded but decided not to show? then again since clearly she is a ‘red-zone’ case, maybe bravo should just call in cesar millan to the rescue: millan & milania – would. totally. watch.
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YouAreTheFather Said,
Definitely timing issues with what was shown in the episode. Teresa’s book was released May 3rd, whereas it practically looked like the middle of winter for Victoria’s formal.
Sure hope Melissa’s “On Display” remix music video isn’t the song’s official music video. It looked like cut footage from the show’s introduction, made by an intern.
Did Ass-lee really need to legally change her name? It’s a huge difference of ONE LETTER! Now her namesake is Ashlee Simpson. Her parents should cut her off financially. Guarantee she will straighten up her life when she doesn’t have any financial backing to spend on whatever she pleases.
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made4ever Said,
wasn’t rosie at the preprom gathering in the tent at kathy and richie’s? pretty sure she was in a shot taking pics with victoria.
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Dana Said,
Yes, Rosie was in this episode. She was posing for pictures with Victoria before the formal. And she is looking FIERCE as ever in her menswear. I think she’s taking her moniker a little too much to heart and is trying to look like Rosie O’Donnell.
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Lora Said,
“Milania” is “I, animal” scrambled. Blonk!
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IBBB Rocks! Said,
The timeline is so off.
In the last episode(where Melissa was rocking the camel toe cat suit) it was winter and a week later it is spring/summer?
They screwed us out of a lot of footage.
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Stacey C Said,
Awesome! as always – did anyone happen to catch what I swear was a hairy armpit on the baby? when they were sitting for the pictures – I’m telling ya, it was hair or a Caterpillar.
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kasey Said,
highlight of the season:
“Milania, I remember when you were born.
Then you were one
Then you were two
Then you were three
Then you were four
and now you ar-e five” -
Penelope Said,
I hate Caroline Manzo. And does anyone else think it is hilarious poetic justice that Tre called Caroline and her fakey-fake family out in a book that will get millions of reads more than the book Caroline tormented Din-yell with?
Olive Garden fake-ass bitch. Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.
And oh, your son is totally gay, by the way.
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Anonymous Said,
On Display On Display On Display
All I know is this, ALLLLL my gay male friends are SERIOUSLY worked up over Joe Gorga, like IN LOVE.
I find this utterly fascinating. And I bet he would too, that lil freaky deaky.
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The Other Jessica Said,
I’m always shocked at seeing young pics of Jaquelyn. I had no idea she’d had that much plastic surgery on her face! She looks absolutely nothing like she used to. Holy Olive Garden meatballs.
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Anonymous Said,
Yeap, Rosie was in the tent, she was totally rocking out a KD Lang vest.
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DebbieS. Said,
I wonder if Andy Cohen hired Tre’s family because she threw his ass at the Reunion last year. He told her after that, “just don’t cross me”. This is what happens when you piss off Andy..he hires people who hate you and makes your life miserable. Except he underestimated how delusional Tre really is. Or idiotic.
