Real Housewives of New Jersey: I Once Knew a Girl Called the “Punta Princess” but For Other Reasons That We Won’t Get Into Here

I can honestly say I have no idea what the hell is going on with this show anymore.  Everyone is still in the Dominican and Caroline is still in bed for the 4th consecutive day.  She doesn’t even have the will to try and pretend she gives a Shasta what’s going on between Teresa and Kat.  I noticed myself looking at Caroline almost dead in her bed and I found myself jealous.  Back on the beach Teresa is fresh off her faux-fight with Kat over her kids being “UNATTENDED!” at the Christening.  I’m not sure what the big deal of Tre’s kids being unattended is because I’m pretty sure if anyone tried to pull anything with one of the kids, Milania would attack on command.  Also, she can smell fear so I know I wouldn’t mess with her.  I mean I’d probably try to poke at her with a stick from behind a fence, but that’s another story for another time.

Teresa has had enough time to cool off from the “fight’ and change into another gold swimsuit.  She looked like the guidette version of C-3PO, but only more robotic.  We didn’t get to see her change but we were all privileged to listen to Richie talk to Barney Rubble while he was dropping a deuce in the bathroom and talking a little smack about his crack-pot wife and, later, wipe his face with his nasty skid-marked bathing suit.  Or as they call it in Jersey, “a shower.”  Hey-oh!  I’m not really sure anyone seems to care about this argument and, clearly, I don’t so I’m going to move this right along.

Luckily after a few more drinks everyone is getting along again and Barney actually makes me laugh out loud, which I wasn’t aware that he could make me do.  He goes up to Doozer and says, “what’s the capitol of Thailand?”  and then before he can answer he shouts out “Bangkok” and punches Doozer in the nuts.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.  How I have never heard that before is an absolute tragedy, especially since I have the sense of humor of a 9 year old.  After a few more chuckles and punches to the nutzels, Barney and Doozer have an official “height off” to finally figure out who exactly is the tallest.  Either way, the winner shouldn’t be bragging about being 5′3″, but I digress.  Someone should tell Barney to take the Chapter 11 paperwork out of his shoes because it’s giving him an unfair advantage.  See what I did there with bringing up the Chapter 11?  I think that’s called a full-circle joke, not to be confused with a full-circle-jerk, which I’m pretty sure is how Melissa and Joe got Bravo to cast them this season.  Am I insinuating that Melissa is with penis?  Perhaps.  I think she’s wearing those bandannas with every swimsuit so that we’re forced to look up at the top of her head and not down by her “gentlemen greeter” in case anything is poking out the sides.  I’m talking about balls.  Next.

Later, Caroline is brought back to life after her Demerol staycation in the hotel and has mustered up enough energy to go food shopping with the rest of the girls (and the alleged Level III) at the outdoor market because Teresa needs to do some research for her next cookbook.  Mmmm recipes from the Dominican!  Which page do I flip to in order to make the dish that gives me the sh*ts for 6 days?  Yum.  The outdoor market looks nothing like the cartoon-like drawings from my 6th grade Spanish book, which is a real disappointment.  There are dead animal heads thrown in the middle of the street, blood running down the road like a babbling brook of death, and nasty animals hanging from every which way.  Teresa is asking the people who don’t speak English if they’ve heard of her cookbook and they look at her like they can catch “bricks,” which I’m pretty sure I have simply by watching this season.  She ends up chasing Caroline up the street with a dead chicken and everyone squeals with delight.  Speaking of squealing with delight, the guys all go golfing so it only makes sense that Barney is golfing in his wife-beater with his gut hanging out and random black sneakers and shorts.  He definitely fits right in on the golf course.  Per usual, Doozer finds yet another moment to try and get naked in front of the camera crew and my stomach is left feeling unattended.  Everyone golfs horribly, but no one worse than Barney who, literally, takes dozens of swings and misses each and every time.  Once again I’m left looking at Albert Manzo and wondering, like I’m sure he is, what the holy hell he is (a) doing on this show, (b) doing on this trip, and (c) doing on this golf course with these Muppets.

The good times keep on rolling later when everyone meets up at the Hard Rock for dinner and the Brothers Manzo decide to hold a little contest to figure out who’s going to win the title of “Punta Princess.”  I once knew a girl called the “Punta Princess” but for reasons that I’m not allow to discuss here due to possible defamation of character.  If I even knew what either of those 2 words actually meant I could be dangerous.  Regardless, someone needs to be crowned with that title and Tre-bagger looks like she’s scared sh*tless to lose.  I think she thinks if she wins she’ll actually get to cut the ribbon at various car dealerships all across the beautiful state of New Jersey.  Plus, she’s likely to wear the crown and sash at her book signings.  I believe Kat won the award for “most creative” which is translation for “we’re giving you something because you’re old and not hot.”  It comes down to the wire and Tre and Melissa have to answer the tough question, “Who is the current vice president of the United States.”  Tre immediately thinks it’s Clinton and at one point someone shouts out “Cheney!”  I would have been like, “You’re both right and this is why you’re on a reality show.  Now hurry home and rest up because we’re doing flash cards 3 times a week.  We’ll borrow Milania’s.”  Next up for the tie-breaker, they must answer which continent Cairo is on.  Melissa guesses “Antarctica.”  Ding! Ding! Ding!  Someone take her children away from her immediately.  Plus, you know if Teresa had 2 more seconds to think about it she would have said, “any letter that isn’t a vowel.”  I’m kidding.  She doesn’t know her vowels…yet.  We’ll cover that during the flash card exercises.  P.S, did I mention that Barney kissed Tre’s rack when they entered the restaurant?  Yeah, uh, because he did.  He’s like school on Sunday…no class.  Hey oh!

We somehow hurry home back to “The America” and get ready for Melissa’s grand performance of “On Display” at some hole-in-the-wall dive-bar.  She’s the main attraction for the Brothers Manzo big water event.  Everyone shows up for this event:  Bangs, Eyebrows, Mortadella, Spray-Tan, and Chains.  You know, the usual crew.  Caroline is so proud of her sons that she’s decided to rock her new signature Squiggy hairdo from Laverne & Shirley.  Yeah, keep trying to make that hairdo happen.  Meanwhile Melissa, who is dressed like Paula Abdul circa 1991 is ready to perform her pretend hit single “On Display” in front of a packed crowed.  But before she can go out there she needs to get on her knees and pray to Jesus and her father…all whilst dressed like a leather whore with her boobs hanging out.  You know Jesus was thinking, “Even Mary Magdalene had more modesty than that!”   Alas, Melissa gets out there and “sings” her new song.  It’s odd how she has the same exact voice as Kim Zolciak.  Do you just buy that voice when you’re recording your Bravo songs?  It’s like, “Yeah, I’ll take 1 Zolciak voice and a leather bra, thanks!”  The dance moves were hot as well.  And by “hot” I, of course, mean that she was basically just doing a half-a-running-man and then petering out.  Everyone seemed to enjoy it though and even Barney, at the end, kind of gave Melissa a compliment by saying that he couldn’t do what she just did.  And America all let out a collective sigh of relief.

In the end, Tre ends up asking Kat to go outside so that they can talk and smooth things over.  The best part of that is that Kat’s sister, Rosie (the unsung hero of this entire season) is dressed with a pirates do-rag and stares Teresa down the entire time from inside the bar, looking out at her through the window, biting her lip, and shaking her head up and down like she’s ready to throw down at a moments notice.  Could she be Milania’s mother?  I think that’s more likely.  Like NeNe once said, “We gonna take a DNA, that’s what we gonna do.”  I think they should do that.  Move over Laverne & Shirley (and Squiggy) because Milania & Rosie will be taking over before you know it…as long as my letter writing campaign to Bravo pays off!

#UNATTENDED!