Sep
22

Teen Mom Recap: So, Dropping Dirty isn’t the Same as Shasta McNasty??

Posted by IBBB

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Well good day my good people of IBBB. As many of you know (those who follow me on Facebook and Twitter) I have been battling what I can only assume is a giant dose of karma with a slam punch of bronchitis, sinus infection, 102 fever, and possible pneumonia. I, of course, blame Amber and Leah. Regardless, I’m not feeling overly in a “haha” mood but am pulling myself together to take a trash-claw stab at recapping the final crapisode of Teen Mom. I figure I’m on enough medication to silence the Tasmanian Devil (i.e., Milania) so this will either go over funny because I’m drugged out and haven’t eaten in 5 days or really mean. Either way….ole!

Farrah – I’ll miss you most of all, Ms. Gulch. Farrah kicks the piss out of things right off the bat by saying, “Shut the hell up, Michael!” when he simply says “Hi Farrah!” For those of you reading this where English (or Ingrish) is not your native language, “Shut the hell up” is slang for “Good morning, friend. Tis nice weather we’re having!” I really think people should bring back ’tis. ImBringingTisBack.com. Our brace face glow worm is all bent out of shape because it’s Baby Goop’s 2nd birthday and she doesn’t want to ruin the surprise she’s bringing in which I’m pretty sure is a pink high-heel pinata without candy in it. Kids love that. Also, is it just me or has their house been decorated for Christmas all season? I feel like I’ve seen that randomly large toy solider hiding behind the front door in almost every episode. Eh, makes sense in Whoville, I guess.

Farrah basically bought a stale cookie cake from Mrs Fields in the food court of the Trash Claw Pine Mall and then is trying to write something on it. It looks like Michael went to town on it..if ya know what I mean…and I think ya do. Debra, without batting an eye is waiting in the wings to give little digs at the way Farrah is trying to decorate the cake. I mean, she only has her associates degree in (insert robot voice) Culinary Arts Management. Beep. Bop. Beep. She shouldn’t even get to “cake writing” classes until she captures her dreamy bachelors degree and then LOOK OUT San Jose!

Sophia’s birthday party is the saddest party ever. No one is there. I’m shocked none of Farrah’s endless friends aren’t there. I suspect Debra murdered them all in cold blood over the years for spilling soda on the carpet and smiling too much. During “the party” the gang decides to recap for us what it was like when Farrah gave birth to Sophia. Of course she’s being a b*tch about it and saying everyone knows it hurts but they left out the part (from her 16 & Pregnant episode) where she was apologizing to the nurses for having to look at her vagina. That literally popped into my head and I was like, “She was nuts all the way back then.” Well not nuts, technically. Mainly vag. Debra throws Michael under the bus for not even being there and he sasses her right back. For some inexplicable reason Debra and Sophia start screaming, followed by Farrah doing her ugly cry (+3 points) and then Debra gives us her best cry yet. It was that “high pitched talk cry.” You know the one. It started to almost turn into an opera, but settled around the level of where my overweight nun in first grade would start singing. Debra was just missing the pitch pipe. Toot!

Am I still conscious? How many days have I lost? I have a blog? Oh, hi. Anymeds, because this whole story-line is bat sh*t crazy, Farrah is bringing Sophia to some random empty bar to see some random friend that she hasn’t seen in years because…wait for it…she wants to ask her what she thinks of basically letting Debra buy Sophia from her. (You want to buy my baby?) She should see if Baby Goop can just work at that bar (and live there, under the stairs) while Farrahs is learning to cut carrots in glamorous “Lauderdale.”

It’s time for Sophia to learn if she’s being given up for adoption via her Magnadoodle! Hooray! Farrah is listing out to Sophia her pros and cons for leaving her behind. I’m sorry so this actually isn’t a joke? I honestly am horrified. Farrah thinks she can’t afford proper daycare for Sophia but she had money for boobs and braces? Seriously, you make decent money from Teen Mom and your magazine covers. 2 covers alone would pay off daycare for the year. Horrific. Horrific: meaning: Actions a whore might take whilst in a worm-like state.

In the end, Farrah ends up telling Debra that she can keep Baby Goop for 2 years because she’s Audi 5000 (I think they still say that in Lauderdale). So that means that there’s only one thing left to do. And that is, of course, to take Sophia on one last “Daddy Death Tour” so she can “see” all the places that her mommy and deaddy (typo, but I’m clearly keeping it) spent time together and knocked robotic bodies together. Can you even picture it? “Shut the hell up and put it in. Are you done? Good take it out.” I actually feel bad for Farrah because I think she’s clinically depressed and I hope she gets on the meds because I’m sure it will balance her out and she won’t be so angry about everything. One day our little glow worm will turn into a beautiful butterfly because that, my friends, is what I imagine glow worms to do.

Amber – There’s an ice storm in east bum and that means the courts are closed down so we have to wait an extra day to find out if the no contact order is being removed when everything melts away. They should just have Gary’s sex-pot of a MILF lay down on the open road spread eagle because she is likely instantly melt the ice. I’m not sure why they couldn’t just hold court at Gary’s ski chalet. He could serve the judge that cheap ass Swiss Miss that tastes like hot coke. Gary, clearly, wasted his best Affliction shirt on a non-court day. I’m sure he’ll be Febreezing the pits in the morning and slapping it back on. Meanwhile Amber has some random friend that we’ve never seen before come over and start asking her questions relating to if she thinks Leah will learn her abusive behavior. She was just missing the z-snap. Besides, do you even need to ask that when we’ve already seen Leah’s mean left hook? Amber has said that through therapy she now realizes that she can’t “bitchslap people 24/7″ anymore. Well of course you can’t! I mean, with eating and sleeping you can probably only bitchslap for 14 hours max! Also, why does Amber think it looks good that she has birds sitting on her eyelashes? Plus, she should have been sitting there with her stomach out so we could see the tattoo. Come on, it’s the last show! I’m left feeling disappointed and unattended.

Speaking of random friends, Gary’s “friend” is over again to chat with him about all things that are bothering Gar Bear. Gary, who’s dressed like the apple in the Fruit of the Loom commercials is literally jammed into his puffy leather recliner. He also looks different and that’s when I realized he shaved his beard but, sadly, he is now missing any differentiation between his neck and chin. He needs an equator. Anychins, his “friend” tells Gary that to get Amber back he should…dear Jesus…he should…is it the meds I’m on…he should write her a song (puke) and sing it for her (Shasta on my living room floor). I’m sorry is this White Trash Justin Bobby for real? I actually kinda hope so because hearing Gary sing will soothe my soul and simmer my fever.

It’s finally the actual court date. Oooh la la, jeans for court? Everyone is overly fancy for this occasion and you can tell they’re taking it serious. Bleach stain wash outs totally depict, “We won’t hit.” It’s like they think they’re going to the Presidential Inauguration. The long and short of it is (and I never know what that term means) is that the no contact order has been “revised” and what that means is that Gary and Amber can go on dates, but can’t be together in front of Leah. Makes sense. Great, this is likely to lead to Leah getting a key to the chalet and having to babysit herself and cook Playdoh hotdogs for her dinner. Also, what the hell language does Amber’s mom speak? All I hear is dueling banjos every time she opens her mouth. It makes me want to hoe-down right here in my death bed.

Later, Gar is almost ready to win Amber back and we get to witness it by watching him sing (with a miraculously sprouting beard) with his guitar…to The Grinch who is laying on the puffy leather couch. Now I’m presently sick, but I was really seeing that right? Imagine if none of that really happened? Oh God I could be in hell right now and I don’t even know it?! Anyway, if this did happen I’d like to comment on the fact that Gary’s beard looks like a chin strap. Like, he’s in the school band. Meanwhile, over at Amber’s House of Lashes and Clown Makeup, Leah has painted a proper Hitler mustache on her face with Amber’s “expensive” makeup (from Big Lots). Amber starts yelling at her for taking her makeup and Leah looks at her like, “B*tch, you lay one hand on me and I’ll ice-skate right down to the court house and tell them what you did.” This “tense moment” was interrupted by Gary calling Amber and…wait for it…sing his song to her that he wrote whilst on speaker phone. Amber looks visibly embarrassed and I have swallowed all of my pills and yelled out, “I’m comin’ for you Ambuuuuh!” Also, I have no clue why Gary is singing with a legit British accent. He’s like the opposite Madonna from song to speech. He’s like the WT version of Milli Vanilli which, in his case, he’d be “Hillbilly Where’s My Willie.”

In the end, Amber and Gary fight it out over the phone just like old times because Gary is “a man alone with his song” and wants Amber back but she thinks it’s not the best idea right now and that someone needs to be the adult. I agree. I also agree that someone should be Leah. Because I’m pretty sure that “adults” know that bedazzling your fake nails with diamonds is not overly adult-like. Also, take a sandblaster to that face. Oh, and the best part for me was when Amber called Gary back after he hung up on her and we see that Gary has, not only, programmed Amber in his phone as “Plain Old Amber” but her picture is of her…in lingerie…on the puffy leather/suede combo couch. Thank you Jesus you are free to take me now! I wish these two the best. See you in the obituaries!

Catelynn – I love how every time they show a quick clip of Butch he’s always just aimlessly crossing the street, carrying a plastic shopping bag, and just looking around. Brilliant. Butch calls up Tyler to ask if he can live with him for, you know, 3 months or so. Tyler and Catelynn end up coming up with this list of “rules” that looks like it was written by a 4 year old learning to write for the first time. It has real gems on it like “no drugs” and “nothing illegal” in the house at all. Yeah you definitely don’t want iCarly to have to live like that. Oh, wait. Butch is also going to have to “respect their house like it was his own.” Now that just sends a mixed message because do they want him to turn it into a crack-sex-den or not? I mean, be specific in your demands kids.

Later Butch comes on over to Tyler and Cate’s house wearing chili-pepper pajamas, a rat tail, and a dream. I just love when Butch is around. Everything just seems…better. When it’s time to read him their list of rules he puts on his glasses and says, “let me get my sexy specs.” And I squeal with delight. Moreover I’m laughing because I think the real joke is that Butch is pretending he can read. I was waiting for him to look over the rules list and then just say, “Yeah, milk & eggs, I get it.” However, Butch agrees to the rules being read to him and Catelynn rewards him by placing her large white flower (not meant as a sex joke) on his ear. It looks better on him anyway.

It also wouldn’t be a great Butch episode if he wasn’t doing something that would gross me out. Insert the scene where he’s pouring hot sauce into what I can only assume is a can of Red Bull. It’ll give you wings alright. Wings outta your arse! A typical fight breaks out because Butch wants to know what iCarly is going to call him at graduation. One person replies “Butch,” one person replies “Darl” and nobody replied with “Snarlin’ Darlin.’” These tots are so rude. Also WTF is everyone talking about?! They’re legit arguing over iCarly and I find myself trying to yell, “Move on! You. Gave. Your. Baby. Up. For. Adoption!” Seriously, iCarly should get a sex-change and move to Tajikistan and become a professional puppeteer or something. Seriously, run. More importantly, what’s up with Cate’s nails? Or all their nails for that matter? They all look like thick fake Barbie nails that 4 yr olds use to play whore dress up with. All terrible. And Maci’s always look like they’re about to twist off.

Later, Cate and Tyler end up talking about maybe “uninviting” iCarly to their graduation because of Butch and April. Uh, save your paper because she wasn’t going anyway!! Teresa and Brandon are freaked the F out. Trust me, they’re watching this too! They’re all upset because they thought iCarly would be clapping for them as they walked across the ghetto stage. Yeah, more like looking at the crowd and then self-injecting herself with multiple tetanus shots. I’m sure even if they mail that letter to Brandon and Teresa they’ll never receive it as they are half way to Mars right now, taking their chances on life off of this planet. I don’t blame them.

In the end, we all receive the horrible news after Butch never came home last night. Apparently he was arrested and sent back to prison. We find out when April comes busting through the door saying “knock knock” to which little Nick keeps yelling back “who’s there? who’s there?” Of course for them the answer is always, “the police!” followed by all the adults in the house rushing to the bathroom to immediately flush their drugs. Anyway, April just gets in Tyler’s face and says, “Your dad went to prison, dude.” Awesome. Then Tyler says, “was he dropping dirty?” I’m sorry what, Ice Ice Baby? What in the holy hell is “dropping dirty?” At first I assumed it meant he was caught taking a Shasta McNasty in the middle of a busy intersection…so then I had to Google it. Apparently, I’m old. Also, it evidently means that he “failed a drug test.” Eh, I like my definition way better. April is ripped to shreds and I actually feel bad. I mean not really, but a little. Poor April can’t catch a break. Little nick starts crying and that’s when I finally realized that he’s the more “Hee-Haw” version of Bint-Lee. I mean, he’ll also be arrested by the time he’s 7. They leave us all on a devastating note with everyone crying. Well that sucks. Although I’m pretty sure I did see April holding a beer (!!!) so there’s hope for us next season hopefully!

Maci – Maci, you make my medication stop working. Get a clue, bricks.

Well folks that concludes another season of Teen Mom! Thanks for sticking with me all this time. Continue to spread the word, visit me again, and help me to sell out.

83 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

Me Said,
Best re-cap ever! I was really upset that my Wednesday morning ritual of checking your blog was disrupted by your near death experience – but you never disappoint dear Patrick. Well. Worth. The. Wait.

I must now go clean the coffee off my computer monitor that squirted through my nose because I was laughing so hard.

Thankks for making my day a little brighter….
ally Said,
I thought this season was hilarious, pathetic, everything I expect from the masterpiece that is Teen Mom. Then in the final 15 minutes when Nick is crying and exclaims “It’s horrible”, I became completely depressed. Yes, Nick, it is horrible. It’s really, really horrible.

Thanks MTV, you should have just ended with Gary’s song.
Meg Said,
Does Amber have her hand pierced or was that a big wart??
Thanks for the recap, Patrick-Hope you are feeling better!
LisaP Said,
can someone tell me – who is the father of nick? if it’s not butch, then how long have b&a been together – not very long. or did april (gasp) cheat on butch? does anyone know?
alwayssunny Said,
can we talk about those poor people who were spending a nice afternoon at their local iowa sears looking for some hip, fashionable, clothing (perhaps the kardashian kollection). and then they go to try on some clothes in the fitting room and have to listen to debra and farrah have a conversation about farrah abandoning her kid so she can go to florida and focus on herself (get drunk and strip). i mean, i’m sure in iowa sears is the equivalent of barney’s (shout out to sophia) in new york, so maybe the classy customers get private fitting rooms. but judging by the look of those booger covered walls, they’re public.
Jojo Said,
I really wish MTV would do a spinoff of “Teen Moms’ Moms.” April, Debra, Gary’s mom, Amber’s mom, and Tyler’s mom put up in a house “Real World” style. One can dream…
Renee Said,
Best line ever: Horrific: meaning: Actions a whore might take whilst in a worm-like state.

I literally LOL
Nina Said,
This is probably the best re-cap ever!!!
You mentioned everything I was hoping you would mention.
Gary's Huge Belly Said,
Amber can’t pay her “parking tickets” but can get an ugly expensive manicure every week. Pig.

Brush your daughters hair, wash her face and take her out of her pajamas by noon at least! God, she’s awful!!!
K Said,
Gary singing – I listened to that song for about 1.5 seconds before I hit the FF button.

Fantastic recap on Maci. Saved me 3 minutes of complete blah.

Farrah does need to get herself together, even if that means leaving Sophia behind. I think Sophia has a better chance with nutcase Debra than nutcase Farrah that cant stop crying for 5 minutes.
QueenofCorona Said,
I still feel Butch said “sexing specs” and was scared for the kitchen table. I had no idea what he was going to whip out. Alas, it was just his trusty dollar store reading glasses.

If Gary has no neck, how can he sing? Riddle me that.

Amber and her mom are bat shit crazy bitches. “NO ONE CUTS ME OFF AND LIVES!!!!! But yeah, totally. I like really think I’ve grown a lot as a woman and realize whats important since I left gel and thats not my temper. FOR REAL, I WILL CUT YOU ASSHOLE DRIVER!!!!”

April is slowly morphing into a human California Raisin.
donna Said,
is anyone else shocked about ebony who was on 16 and pregnant?is there anyone on that show who is not trashy?i always thought the trashy weed filled house would be ambers.
Felicity Said,
I think Ryan gets hotter the more douchey he gets. I want him to impregnate me and treat me like dirt. Is that wrong? I just had to get it off my chest.
donna Said,
felicity,i agree.ryan is getting hotter.but he needs to impregnant me first before you.i love being called a f”in bitch.
Adrienne Said,
Oh, I have been breathlessly waiting for this recap. I have so much to say!

1 – Maci and Farrah – ENOUGH with the pacifiers. It’s a wonder that Bintlee can speak so well when he has that thing shoved in his mouth all the time. They are way too old.

2 – I’m not sure exactly why Maci is pushing Kie to get married/have another baby. For god’s sake – you’re 19 with a baby, uneducated, a baby daddy who is immature, plus an unemployed boyfriend. What is she thinking? Hello, needy and codependent.

3 – Is it only me, or does everyone have to turn up the volume on the TV whenever Maci’s segments come on? I’m not sure if it’s the accent or the soft-spoken tone, but SPEAK. UP. PLEASE!

4 – What’s with the ridiculous, long, air-brushed nails? Hello, 1985 is calling and wants its nails back.

5 – Agree: Caitlynn and Tyler – you gave up your kid for adoption. Time to let it go. It’s creepy the way they talk about her like she’s in the next room and have all of those pictures of her.

6 – If I spoke to my parents the way Farrah speaks to hers, I would be back-handed. I can’t believe what she gets away with. She is such a spoiled brat that I can’t stand to look at her.
Adrienne Said,
And, I forgot: WHY doesn’t anyone have sheets on their beds???
Erica Awesome Said,
Awesome sauce! This is the best recap! Seriously… Farrah is such a b*tch!!!!!! I just can’t fathom how someone could be such a soulless, dead-eyed glow worm!!!
Kelly Said,
Farrah is so fake! I think the whole thing about going to her shrink with her parents was all for attention. She wanted her parents to keep the kid all along. She just didn’t want the whole world to know how crappy of a parent she is. She should have give her daughter to Brandon and Theresa too! Her mother already failed raising her and now she leaves her kid to get messed up and pregnant at 16 too. Also did I miss who the hell Michael is?!?? Is he her dad or NOT?
donna Said,
kelly.michael is her dad but not her sister ashleys dad.so debra told farrah to call him michael to be fair.yeah,i know.thats stupid.but thats farrahs family for you.
Laurie Said,
Patrick, thank you for the recap in your time of sickness!

I think Butch as having a ghetto bloody mary, I think it was a tomato juice can (like V8). I love how Catelyn and Tyler really ‘made the decision’ to not have Carly come. Yeah, it’s kind of like quitting a job when you’re going to be fired or dumping someone before they can dump you. Make it seem like it’s YOUR choice that she’s not coming. I’m over these two.

Maci still flirts with Rhine all the time and Ky is a loser idiot.

Farrah – really? You really took Sophia to the Overlook where you used to park and “talk” with her dad? That’s probably where she was conceived.

Amber and her mom obviously are dipping into the same prescription bottle. They are killer! I really loved their faces in the car.

Bring on Team Mom 2!!
Bitch Jungle Said,
awesome, recap, patrick. get well soon. i, myself, welcome the sickness, because who wants to go to work everyday…..
Jenny Said,
Patrick, thank you for the recap. It’s what I look forward to every week. Hope you are feeling better soon!
anggg Said,
jo jo– such a good idea!!
donna Said,
jojo you forgot the awesomeness that is barb and suzi.oh and crunchy curls.and randylicious would have to make cameos.
Vicky Said,
Patrick I will stick with you to the ends (as in cancellations) of all these horrible reality tv shows!! They are truly not worth watching (and I don’t) if we can’t have your recap afterward. So glad you’re feeling better, sorry that we (your followers) are so selfish and impatient but I do have to say that medicated recaps are AWESOME!!

Also, I’m from Iowa and I have never purchased any clothing items at Sears. I will say though that I did purchase a washing machine there…oh and a dryer.
Lisa Said,
the next time my mom greets me with “Hi Lisa” I’m going to respond with “shut the hell up” just to see what happens.

I did NOT notice Gary’s phone when Amber called. omg. you must not blink during these episodes.

I also have to turn my volume way up during Maci’s segments. the volume literally goes from 10 to 20 or so and I STILL can’t understand everything her and Kie are saying. I’m ready for the reunion episode and Ambers apparent breakdown.
kas Said,
I can’t hear Macy either. Neither can MTV, apparently since they’ve taken to “close captioning” her for the low-talker impaired.

I think all the elegant fingernails featured on Team Mom come from the Salon known as Walmart. (Has Amber ever sported the same ones two episodes in a row??) This weeks were particularly…bold.
funkster166 Said,
Enough with the pacis!! , I think Kyle needs to run fast,,Maci is looking for her next Baby Daddy…. Whats up with her liking men that are unemployed???

Farrah should have just said from the beginning she was doing this. You know her mom and dad take care of Sophie..Now Debra can raise another ungrateful brat

Gary oh you poor fool….Maybe your next stint can be auditions for American Idol.

I think catelynn and Tyler should adopt baby Nick..its the only chance the poor kid has, if not ,he will be facing juvie hall ,while smoking and drinking at age 10, if not younger…..please do an intervention quick
Jane says Said,
Oh, Patrick. So self-sacrificing… Thank you for thinking of us, the little people of da blog, your fans, in your time of illness. (get better soon!)

Thanks for another awesome recap and more moments to increase our language/lexicon. (Whore-iffic! Farrah & deaddy! Droppin’ dirty! Sexy/sexting specs!) hoo-boy.

Thanks for skipping Maci’s seg, too. bc dammit… I. can’t.

Course then again, if they cut out Maci I won’t be able to peep on Rhyiiiiine, and that. will not work. That will NOT WORK. (erm, no pun intended with the not working and all!). And thanks fellow ibbbreaders for not making me feel like such a major pervy creeper for feeling a bit giddy and lusty over rhiiine. Rhine, I wish I knew how to quit you! sigh.

I enjoyed also Gar-bear’s mad brit-ish ballad, and PlainOl’Ambuh’s eye-rolling annoyance and apathy. “What? I can’t hear you Gary, with the guitar in the background!” hahahahaha. I died. (and at the same time, felt at least a little bad for Gar.).

Just really, can we stop the Ambuh/POA segs, too? But keep sexyEvinnn, mmmkay, thanks. In fact, spin-off number 3: a Three’s company-like sitcom with Rhyiiiine, Ev, and… moi. hehe. or not. we can always dream… or I can, I mean. whatever.

Amber, EXPENSIVE eye shadow costs more than $2-3. They might even sell a decent drugstore brand at BigLots sometimes, look for it. And I know damn well BigLots sells sheets, blankets, wet wipes/diaper wipes, clorox, swiffer, et al. They should be a few aisles over from the Lee PressOn nails and Halloween PrettyLadyFauxGlamEyelashes, but you could always ask a clerk. Real counselling and/or anger management, via your county mental health system, may or may not even be in the same strip mall, wth. Maybe there’s a few moments to look into during the season’s down time?

Farr-ugh. ugh. just… Ugh. Soph is soooopha king cute, but I don’t want any of these people to have custody of her. Maybe Auntie-what’s-her-name, Michael’s not-daughter, can take her for a while? I loved/cringed, at the hideously weird crumble-cake/cookie concoction (did Farrugh make?) and driving around in a blizzard while Farr blathered on about [some boring shit, I guess about Dad-ugh].

And I almost couldn’t contain my frustration and trying to not go apeshit at the tv while Cate/Ty contemplated “un-inviting” B/T & icarly. Dude! Did I imagine that last ep where B/T’s letter was sort of a “Dear John/break-up/thanks but no thanks” polite “we’ll try but we probably won’t be able to make it”???! JeezusfuckingK. Seriously? They DON’T. want to fucking be THAT involved! egads. And so help me, do not make me drive across Michigan and bitch-slap that god-awful fucking fake flower out of your goofy hair! (Cate, not Butch. Butch can sort of pull it off. Butch, you do you, and I’ll do me. No complaints. Hell, even send me your commissary list and I’ll see if I can at least send you some dirty jokes and a few packs of ramen. I like you.)

Last, two quick open letters…

Dear MTV: Thank so much for the TotalBuzzKill ending. So. Anti-climactic! Really. Keep us on the roller coaster, a little anger, a few ugly cries, a few chuckles, a few banging heads on desks, but put any sad stuff in the middle and end with a LAUGH! Always keep ‘em smiling. God, MTV.

Dear Brandon/Theresa: Thanks ever so much (no, really), on behalf of [anyone that's ever seen TM] for adopting little Carly. Surely she’s been a complete delight and brought much joy into your life…. perhaps enough to make you really long for a little more pitter patter and laughter in your home? Maybe you’d like to expand your brood? Please, no really. PLEASE. Can you adopt Bint-lee, Goo, Leeah, and poor sad little Nick? And Jase? [Or do you have any friends that may want in on this adoption stuff?]

I’m sure Patrick could even start a fund drive on his twit/fb/ibbb, to help defray the expenses. Could start a special Save the TeenMomTots paypal? Everyone could start with $1 and see where that goes. Anyone?
Brenda Walsh Said,
This episode was a mess, from start to finish. To all the people who said they find Ryan hot-I’m right there with you! I nearly swooned when he asked his mom for a hug. And I love how he always seems to have a different vehicle every time we see him.

I made the choice of taking a bite of bagel as Gary told his friend that Amber “completes” him, which caused me to almost choke to death. Good God, Gar-Bear, get a clue.

I love when I am 100% right about what screenshots you are going to use-I KNEW Amber’s caller ID and Butch with the flower would be featured.

Lastly, Catelynn and Tyler. Please MTV, kick these non-parents off the show. They are clearly delusional about their non-existent relationship with Carly and it’s getting sad and awkward. You know that Brandon and Theresa were filled with overwhelming relief when they got that email. “Whew, we’re off the hook! No more thinking of a good excuse to get out of going!” Also, I’m glad that Catelynn finally said where Carly lives-North Carolina. I was wondering, since I seem to remember way back in season 1 that it was kept a secret from them.
Donna Said,
I’m so glad I’m not the only one that saw the L.A. Colors make up from Big Lots! Seriously, I literally just saw that at the dollar sore for $2! And Roseanne had the nerve to tell Leah its expensive…and my God, Farrah is a bitch! She distracts her patents then like 5 min later says she doesn’t know how she would have made it without them? I’m just waiting for Michael to bitch slap her one day… I can only dream its caught on camera and posted on You Tube so I can spend my days replaying it over and over and over . .
JAnne Said,
Great re-cap, as always! I noticed April drinking a beer too in the ending scene! gotta love it…she deserved a cold one after finding out Butch was sent back to the slammer.

PS. are you gonna re-cap the Teen Dad special?!
katie Said,
@Meg, i also wondered about the wart piercing. what i really wanted to know, is if it is a piercing, how the hell did she get it out when she was in gel? and if it isn’t a piercing, why didn’t she have the gel rats gnaw it off?
i was let down by this episode, it sucked. recap is great, as always. i think i was still cracking up about the teen dad special and gary basically admitting that he used saran wrap as a condom. my imagination is exceptionally vivid when it comes to this. i can just see ol’ gar holding up his gut with both hands and amber wrapping his wang. WHO DOES THAT? oh yeah, the poors.
saw on fb last night that maci is asking for advice on how to get rid of the paci. here’s an idea: THROW THEM AWAY! if he screams and throws a fit, thats what they make liquor for.
anyhomemadecondoms, i am ready for teen mom 2.
Mmmmmmmmmmmurdith Said,
LOL@ Katie. That was funny. And gross. God, Gary and the Saran Wrap. That grossed me out so much. I’m just wondering how Gary does the deed at all. That gut is huge. How does he get past it?

@ Donna, thank you for explaining the Michael thing! I’ve been looking high and low for an explanation for that since Teen Mom started, and you’re the first one to offer it. That makes total sense. I mean, if you’re Debra. Not if you’re a normal human being.

Patrick, you’re wonderful even when medicated. I hope you feel better soon, but can you keep the meds around for when you write the recaps? It was extra special.

I’m off to drop dirty. Not really, but it sounds good.
dacabsarehere Said,
So happy to see you feeling better, at least enough to give us a chuckle about our favorite sloppy moms. I love the Big n Lots reference. I totally know she scored those feather-like lashes on a buy 1 get 1 bin from there as well.

I love how everyone is saying that Ryan is hot, even more so when he’s being a douche. I actually liked Kyle last season but I totally think he’s dead-weight now. I mean Ryan might not work, like physically work but he can work the charm with that evil grin of his. When Kyle grins I’m lefting wondering where his eyes went and if he’s practicing for the polar bear coke cola commercials. I mean afterall, winter is just around the corner.
donna Said,
you should recap teen dad..it was hilarious.ryan looked stoned.
katie Said,
@Mmmmmmmmmmmurdith…….my imagination is exceptionally vivid when it comes to him doing the deed as well. it involves him using his “victims” ass as a gut stand, whilst the victim is on all 4’s.
maybe i’m the one who needs medication?
Mmmmmmmmmmmurdith Said,
That’s what I was thinking, too. It’s just frightening. It’s no wonder Amber’s bat shit crazy. She fucked THAT guy a bunch of times.
Nikki Said,
So going along with the Amber and Gary = Roseanne and Dan does anyone remember the episode of Roseanne where they had to write a song for a radio contest and Dan serenaded Roseanne? Totally had a flashback when I saw Teen Mom Tuesday…
Me Said,
It is with great sadness that I must pass along the news that Butch and April are in the middle of a divorce. It was posted on Catelyn’s facebook page – but I’m not sure if it still is. You can just google Butch and April – all the tabloids are running it.

I don’t know who asked above – but April actually has 3 kids:
Catelyn, Nick and there is another girl, Sarah. It have never been explained who the father of Sarah and Nick are. They do NOT have the same dad as Catelyn.

Butch and April have been married almost 2 years. Nick is 4 or 5, so April didn’t cheat on Butch – Nick was already born by the time they got married.

Catelyn also has an older brother – but I have no idea who he is or where he lives or who the father is. She didn’t meet him until she was 13 years old.
Jenny Said,
Katie, that was one visual I could have done without. But I loved it
Nina Said,
@Katie lol did he really admit to that? Ahh I remember back in high school my friends boyfriend once used a trash bag ha seriously the things people do to have “safe” sex
Jess Said,
My husband watched this for the first time the other night and said of Gar-bear, “Doesn’t he know shirts come in larger sizes?” and I cracked up laughing.
Natalie Said,
IBBB – I’m so glad you are feeling better! And just in time for Jersday Thursday!! Wa-HOO!!

Great job on this recap, I LMAO, as usual.

If you happen to catch the Teen Dad Special, it would be worth it. We learn that Tyler can actually have a logical conversation some of the time! I think Tyler is gay tho, He needs to drop Catelynn’s pug ass.

As soon as I saw Butch w/ the flower in his hat, I KNEW you had your header pic!

Hope you are back to 100% in no time!
Barbara Ann Evans III Said,
Is my little bitch of a daughtahhh, Jenelle, coming on next or is there a whole season of sixteens gettin knocked up and partyin their asses off to get through first?
Kiera Said,
I loved the expression on Amber’s face when Gary was singing to her on the phone, it was a sort of ‘WTF?’ look.
lilly2 Said,
Oh God! I dont think i can take another season of 16 & preggos before i see Teen Mom2 season 2. I just dont!

I cant wait to see Barb and Jo’s mom in all their glory! haha.
Whit Said,
@alwayssunny, Sadly, I could tell they were in a Von Maur, which is actually a “fancy” department store ’round these Iowa parts. They do offer credit cards that accumulate no interest. (But seriously, it’s the most expensive freaking place to shop in the malls around here.)

I’m so thankful you did a screen shot of Plain Old Amber. I didn’t notice she was half-nekkid when I saw it on the TV.
Her dermal piercing on her hand grossed me out. What a dirty place to get a piercing.
QueenofCorona Said,
On the Teen Dads Special…special like the slow kids…you know the “Saran wrap” that Gary allegedlly used was more like a used “McDonald’s double cheeseburger” wrapper. Don’t front, Tubs.
JeanneD Said,
The more Hee Haw version of Bentley….I love it!

I think the song that Gary was singing was from an old episode of Roseann..you know the one where they enter a song writing contest…bahahaha!
katie Said,
when dr. drew asked who had used saran wrap as a contraceptive device, gary said “no comment”. i took that as a yes.
here’s my last visual for all of you, and after this i may be banned from commenting, but i’m gonna do it anyway. imagine gary going down on amber’s muff, looking up and the massive leah tattoo is giving him the hitler side-eye.
Sarah Said,
@alwayssunnny: They weren’t at Sears, they were at VonMaur (a high end department store). Shocking, I know!

Farrah is horrible, we all get that. However, Sophia is very blessed to have Debra and Michael in her life. Farrah even said she can’t handle 24/7 Sophia and you have to give her credit for admitting that and asking for help. I think it’s wonderful that Debra and Michael are offering to take Sophia and I think it’s in her (and Farrah’s) best interest.

Amber’s mom is for sure on some type of Opiate. She probably should not be driving. Their comments while driving were hilarious. Amber, just because you keep saying you are a ‘good mom’ does not make you one. My sister-in-law is a terrible mom and her three kids are being raised by my mother-in-law. However, she came to visit (sans kids) and told my best friend all that fun stuff she and her kids do and how she potty trained and binky broke her kids and all of that was a big FAT lie. I guess whatever helps you sleep at night.

I always like Maci, until this season. GET A GRIP! Maybe she should tune in and watch Teen Mom 2 and take notes on Leah and whatever his name was. Kyle isn’t ready and there is no point in pushing him to the alter. Clearly, she is still in love with Ryan.

Cate and Ty have so many issues. I agree that they don’t grasp the reality of adoption. Their adoption agent needs to give them a sit down and explain that they need to get over it. The retreats Cate goes to are not helping. It will be interesting to see if Brandon and Teresa are the reunion or if they high-tailed it out of wherever they are from.

All-in-all, I’m glad this season is over. I hope there isn’t another season because I don’t think I can handle it!
Jrod Said,
Whit: I was about to say the same thing. I work at the ghetto Council Bluffs Sears and she has never stopped in. The bags she was carrying were from Toys R Us in the beginning and either she shopped in Omaha or I was off that day, I work at the TRU in CB too lol.
Rachel Said,
All you people who are in love with Ryan, I’m right there with you. Swoon. I just think Bint-Lee is adorable, and Maci is an idiot, and if she doesn’t take away that paci soon, he will be so bucktoothed.

I’m so over Catelynn and Tyler. I know giving up your baby is probably one of the hardest things ever, but my GOD, there must be other things going on that you can talk about.

I think Sophia is actually a cute and smart little girl, despite being raised by a bunch of lunatics. When Debra did the high pitched ugly cry, I laughed. See you all in hell!

Amber and Gary disgust me. Amber just looks dirty. I wish she would get rid of the fake whore lashes and the Anna Nicole nails. Her mom is for sho on drugs.. Poor Leah, I think it would be best for her if Gary’s hot mom raised her.

So glad you’re feeling better!
MaryR Said,
If I ever told my father to “Shut the hell up” I would be spitting teeth on the floor……invisible braces and all.
Shut the hell up Michael Said,
I’m sick of co dependent SUPER FAT HOW DOES HIS SKIN Hold HIM ALL IN I WILL NEVER KNOW GARY! Gary leave Amber alone you hog! Side note: I think Leahs hair is so pretty. Farrah kid never has her hair brushed.
Catelynn GET A HOBBY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. STOP smothering Tyler! Have another kid with him would be better them what your currently doing to keep him!
Poor Farrah when will you realize that you hate your mother because she brainwashed you break up with Derek! Don’t leave your child Debra will never give her back (please watch Greygardens with Drew Barrymore) Or what ever happen to baby jane)
Ryan must read these blogs because I noticed he tries to hold in his chronic yawning. As for Ryans parents its safe to say the douche doesn’t fall far from the crotch! Talk about enablers!
Maci if it wasn’t for cute Bently I would fast foward you. Please keep Kyle as a friend and or a babysitter. But husband he aint!
I feel so so sorry for Catlynns little brother.
La Mexicana Said,
Loved this recap! And the comments, are always the icing on top! You all are some funny ass peeps!

@katie, you legit had me crying tears of laughter!
KittyKat Said,
I…I just don’t know what to say. This recap was gold. To reward myself for a very rough week I think I will kick back tonight, rewatch the episode and then read your blog a few times, just to really appreciate it all.

BTW, I tried to read this whilst in class today, I didn’t really want to learn about comprehensive income statements anyway…but the laughter was too much to suppress. I had to wait until I got home tonight. So worth the wait but I’m sad I missed out on the usual comment convos!!! I love the IBBB Family and all of its dysfunctionalness.
Jane says Said,
@Me: Goodgodalmighty…. April has THREE kids? I can’t remember anything about this Sarah child. How old is she?

OMG… I’m sooo going to hell for certain… And really, please know I’m not really a mean person… I don’t want bad things for anyone, really, no harm/no foul… But.. BUT.

Just imagine, if MTV can catapult TeenMom into a looong-lasting series ala RealWorld… and depending how old this Sarah is, she could potentially/hypothetically be a future teen mom and we could end up with a good long stint of our favorite April and Butch! I mean they could milk this Cate/Ty thing along for another minute or two, along with a few updates/”where are they now?” specials, and then by that time BOOM, this unknown Sarah is on that year’s TM, and by then Butch is just coming up on parole and April, maybe out of rehab or something… Then we can see big sis Cate and big bro Ty trying to counsel Sar on her options… “When WE were pregnant, we knew we wanted the best life for CARLY… blahblahblah…”

Anyhooo, moreButchmoreApril!
DoofusAloofus Said,
Patrick: getbettersoon!

Fellow blogtards: funnyasallfreakinghell! Olive you guys!

Gar: Forgetabout Garytime tshirts. It’s time for a CD single! If that damn Friday girl can do it, then goshdarnit it IS Garytime! Please don’t stop the muzic!

Amber: What a bitch! Ohnoshedidnot even remotely acknowledge Gary while he poured his heart out with that little ditty! Fail!

Leah: So cute! Hope GrandmaMilfy teaches you to speak and dial 911 pretty soon so you can call for back up!

Maci: Gah! He’s just.not.that.into.you! And maybe tell Mimi and TammyWynette “thanks” for their help once in a while!

Rhine: I don’t really want kids right now. But. If Mimi and MrMimi would watch OUR baby AllTheTime, then I could maybe be convinced! I’ll even let you spend your days racing dirtbikes/4-wheelers/racecars/whatthefuckeveryouwant during the day while I’m at work!

Farrah: God, Farrah! Turn up the bitchy please!

Cate: Please go live with your dad in FL so you can work on self-actualization and stuff! (maybe you can stay w/ Farrah!) You’re starting to seem more like a parasite than a girlfriend/step-sister, and really you don’t want that!
SimplySarah Said,
I know the feeling of feeling old regarding the kids’ lingo these days. I totally thought FTW meant something else entirely until a week ago :-/
kasey Said,
Felicity- thank you for being the first to admit that Ryan gets hotter with every douchey line and yawn. Clearly, we’ve all been thinking this the whole time.

I think Butch said “sex ‘n’ specs” and I watched that scene three times in awe.

All these pacifier offenses should be reported to ACS! Baby Goo is 2 and doesn’t speak at all!

Was that Gary singing the song that played in the closing scene?

Near death is working for you IBBB (I refuse to call you “patrick” because I read this blog for years without knowing you had an actual name and that’s how I prefer it). Bravo.
SuzieQ Said,
I agree with Kasey. Near death is working for you and I am loving it. This was great. Feel better soon. Keep the meds though its also working for.
SuzieQ Said,
You.
anggg Said,
does nobody else rememberi n the first season when maci flipped on ryan for giving bentley his paci? wtf she sticks that thing in his mouth all the time
kerry Said,
IBBB, get well soon! This is why you can’t kiss Leah while sick no matter how adorable or how much Ambuh prompts.

This recap delivered; I just Knew you’d have a picture of Darl with the flower in his hair. And hearing “dueling banjos” when Ambuh’s mom speaks was perfect

Gary – lit my cheeks with embarrassment with his serenade. but I’m starting to think the big goof truly loves Ambuh, for reasons unknown.

I feel like the only one who doesn’t think Ryan’s cute. Evan on the other hand . .
lovin'it Said,
I totally agree that hot n’ sexy Carol (i think her name is?) aka “Gary’s mom” should raise Leah. Even if she and Gar Bear raise her, she’ll turn out a hell of alot better than if Amber had anything to do with it! Plus, if Gary and his MILF raise Leah together, she’ll get McDonalds for 3 square meals a day- yea! what more could you want?
KS Said,
IBBB – sorry you are not feeling well. Get better soon – but, your recap as always was brilliant! As soon as I saw the scene of Catelynn putting the flower in Butch’s hair, I KNEW you would have that on here. I was not disappointed.

AnyWhoinWhoville… I think that the random toy solider was there for Baby Goo’s birthday party. After midnight, Michael is turned to a toy solider too – I’ll let your imagination run with that one.

Feel better, and no running through the NYC kissing random women after puking down your shirt like Ambuh would have you do.
donna Said,
kerry,bite your tongue.ryan is sexy.a douche to be sure but sexy as hell.im old so i feel like a perv.
kerry Said,
donna, Ryan’s attitude is so gross I just can’t get past it. Maybe if he kept his mouth shut. . yawning included
SuzieQ Said,
I just watched this last night. Did Maci get a contract at proactiv and read this blog? Her face was the clearest it has been since she popped out of her moms gentlemen greeter. Just saying I think this blog is helping people now. Thanks IBBB everyone knows she needed it.
toofunny! Said,
I wish Maci would stop asking Kyle when they’re gonna get married! WTF is wrong with her? I mean, is she even 21 yet? Slow it dooowwwnnn. Maybe she’s trying to scare him away for good so she has an excuse to get Rhine back? She really irritated the s*it outta me this season!
dangerkitty Said,
Is it me or has anyone else noticed Catelynn going to town on her nails as if they taste like jumbo shrimp?
tshirttimeyeahhh Said,
any else notice a couple of pro active commercials during the episode?? idk if we all see the same commercials but here in ny there was quite a few
chole Said,
Butch actually said “sexy specs”. It is/was a phrase used for an eyeglass store in Michigan.
Baby Goo Said,
A little late to the party, but here goes:

First, I’m glad I’m not the only one that caught Farrah telling Sophia about the parking lot her and Derek used to “talk” in. I lol’d at that one…

Farrah needs some medication…seriously, she is such a bitch to everyone! She is very lucky that her mother (although she is nuts) and Michael are willing to take care of Sophia while she is in ‘Lauderdale’ learning to boil water (more like stripping). WTF was with that ugly-ass cake for Sophias birthday? Didn’t she go to school to learn how to cook?

I’m wondering how old Bint-lee is. He seems to talk more than either Sophia or Leah.

I never thought that Brandon and Teresa would ever show up at the graduation-I can’t ever picture them hanging around April and Butch…
Hawk Said,
@JoJo LOVE the idea of Teen’s Mom’s Moms. totally all about it.

When Cate and Ty read the rules to Butch, and THEN Cate said “put them on the fridge”, I literally had to rewind and double check she insulted a grown man by putting those stupid rules on the fridge. I cringed.

Also Cate and Ty – COME ON. It is NOT YOUR EFFING KID ANYMORE. I don’t know why you guys haven’t “gotten it” yet.

I miss this show every week already. Thanks for the great recaps. glitter glitter.
Hawk Said,
UGH forgot to mention —

Anyone else see Farrah’s makeup during the birthday “party”? Seriously her face was like 8 colors darker than her neck. Disgusting. She looks awful.
Michelle Said,
“JANE” – please don’t ever write a comment like that again. That wasn’t even English. Seriously.
Jenna Said,
Anyone else watch the marathon of these 4 moms episodes of 1 and in a pickle? April’s other daughter was in that episode. She looked about 9 or 10. I appreciated MTV treating us to that little marathon, because I didn’t get sucked into the 16 n preggers or teen mom trainwreck till tm2 started.
39 & Not Pregnant Said,
What I learned from watching this episode is that Ryan is a better daughter than Farrah. Debra was BEGGING not so subtly for Farrah to give her a hug in the dressing room and she would not do it. Ryan openly asked for a hug from Jen. Poor Debra.

I also spied yet another McDonald’s cup on the coffee table at Amber’s. Is that all Leah eats? It’s in every episode like a nutritional Where’s Waldo.

I would love nothing more than for Farrah to have to go live with Barb Evans. That backtalk would be fixed up pronto.
Burgerlicious Said,
I loved when Catelynn & Tyler were creating there list of no-no’s for butch & she says something along the lines of, “no crack.” Because no drugs wasn’t enough, they had to be explicitly clear about the no crack rule.

I think Ryan enjoys having his wanker yanked around by Maci. He’s really only pissed about Kyle being in the picture, because he would like ALL of her attention back.

I watched the scene of Farrah giving Sophia the tour of the town a couple times, because I’m perdy sure she was showing REAL emotion for the first time in her entire life. Legitimate, genuine emotion. Shocking. Who knew she had it in her.

Amber is a disgusting, lazy slob. And FYI, saying you’re a good mother 2938477 times doesn’t negate the fact that you’re actually a shitty mom. You can’t do one thing and say another and expect it to cancel each other out. Parenting doesn’t work like that tubby.
Yawny Said,
I loved watching Yawny and his dad sitting in lawn chairs laughing to each other about what a winner he is!