Sep
14

Teen Mom Recap: This Show Lit a Candle in My Heart

Posted by IBBB

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Farrah – For those of you playing along at home, please stamp your Teen Mom BINGO card because, yes, we have found a Barney stuffed animal right off the bat. I’m pretty sure Sophia thinks Barney is her dad. Too soon? Per usual, Debra is having a hard time with even the thought of Farrah randomly moving to Florida because she says she can’t image her life without her daughter and her Baby Goop. More like she can’t figure out who to try and knife instead. I mean, after this many years Michael must be able to “dodge and weave” with the best of them and, well, Debra is getting a little too old to chase someone through the house. Eh, maybe she’ll go to the next door neighbors house and just machete Sophia’s old dog to death.

I finally understand why MTV needed to make this a “special 90 minute episode.” It all makes sense now. Evidently they needed more time because Farrah has a huge announcement to make. I hope you guys are sitting down. If you’re at work, maybe just get on the ground in case you fall out of your chairs. Farrah. Is. Getting. Braces. I know. I can’t believe it either. Oh wait, she’s just getting braces? Well F me! For reasons not known to anyone, Farrah tells Sophia that when she grows up she’s going to need a mouth full of metal, but in the meantime she decides that she wants to get them first. Mommy gets store bought new boobs and non-jacked-up teeth before Baby Goo gets love. And that’s an order! To make things even more awkward, it’s Michael’s birthday (he wishes he died 17 years ago) and Farrah has decided to make this announcement at his birthday dinner. No joke, she’s legit announcing it. “Mom, Michael, camera crew, distinguished faculty…I’m getting braces.” Any chance they can put metal on Farrah’s brain and see if they can straighten out that mess? And, not for nothing, but how much does it cost for lasers to zap away that perma-neck-hickey? I’m sure if you dip the trash claw in rubbing alcohol it can just scratch at it for days until it comes off. Anybiopsyit, the best part was that she explains that she’s not getting metal braces, and she’s not getting Invisiline, but “Invisible Braces” instead. Yes! Are Invisible Braces kinda sorta like the Invisible Love that this crack box family shows each other on the regular? Regardless, Farrah suspects that better teeth will help her get more modeling jobs. Uh, like more hair modeling jobs? I’m just psyched that these braces, when the moonlight shines, will make our little Glow Work glitter, glitter even more! This is, quite possibly, the best day of my life!

Later, at dinner Debra tries to be all cute and dumb by letting Farrah know that one day she wants to learn how to make french fries and Farrah tells her it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. Really? Is it easier than putting on a condom? Doubtful. Farrah, instead, decides to hijack the conversation and let her “family” know that she’s set up an appointment with Dina the counselor so they can all stop being F’n crazy and she also tells them that if she gets into her Floridian Clown College, she’s definitely moving there. Ruh-roh. Debra is seeing red. Someone dust off her protective reflector vest because someone is about to get a new batch of community service to legally partake in! Personally, I think it’s going to be difficult for Farrah to move all the way to Florida once Debra brutally murders her, cuts her up into little pieces, and then stuffs her into various Barney stuffed animals scattered throughout their house.

Well, folks, Farrah finally gets into her special school in Florida and tells Sophia that they’re definitely moving there. Not so fast Sophia. You may be living with that neighbor who took your dog. Hope you like zinc-pink lipstick and puppets staring at you in the middle of the night! However, they can all discuss the state of Florida in their counseling session because it’s about to go down. Dina the counselor and her Kate Gosselin hair looks pissed right off the bat. You can tell because the back of her hair spikes up more. That hairstyle is hot never. After the family explains why they have issues with Farrah and Baby Goop moving to Florida, Dina sassily says to Debra, “You’re asking her to leave her daughter?” Yeah, way to be non-judgmental. Debra seems to think it’s not big deal at all for Farrah to move to Florida and leave Sophia with them because they have things like Skype and airplanes. Oh! Wait! I wasn’t aware there was Skype and airplanes! Well that solves everything! After being scolded by Gosselin, Debra starts to do that high-pitched-talking-cry that only Sophia’s old dead dog can hear, followed by Farrah giving us a little of her Ugly Cry over the fact that she’s depressed when she’s living in Debra’s dungeon. Please, I’d love it. Every day would be like a dream in Whoville.

However, not everything needs to be doom and gloom because right after counseling Farrah got her braces on and she couldn’t be more excited about it. Also, someone needs to teach Farrah what words mean, like “invisible” because, uh, I can see her braces and, well, they look exactly like the ones Marsha Brady had circa 1975. I mean, April and Butch’s drinking problems are more invisible than this! Debra gives Farrah a little jab (without a butcher knife) by saying that her braces change the shape of her face and so she’ll probably be a little self-conscious of that. Farrah claims that she “won’t smile as much.” So, um, same/same? Later, Debra starts talking smack to Michael and, later, Farrah, about Dina and her basically being a big b*tch. Whoa Debra! Say it to her face. And then slash-attack it!

The remaining moments of Farrah’s scenes actually blows my mind. She is actually seriously considering Debra’s offer of leaving Sophia with them while Farrah goes to live in Florida. That is insanity to me. She even calls her sister to ask her opinion on what she should do and if she thinks it’s ok. You could tell her sister was trying to figure out if their phone conversation was being filmed because she sounded like she wanted to tell Farrah that she was a crazy worm. I don’t understand any of this? Sophia is almost 2 years old! How is she just basically going to give her up for adoption while she goes to Florida to finish school. Even if she’s pretending to think about this for her storyline I think it would be better that she fake a drug problem. To even say you’re considering leaving your baby behind is complete insanity to me. She must be watching Catelynn and Tyler’s “glamorous” lifestyle and is a bit jealous. I mean, first the braces and now this? She’s definitely lost some glitter, glitter, in my eyes. F. U Gulch!

Amber – Our pal, Ambjikistan, has really turned over a new leaf after serving 24 hours in the slammer. I’m not sure why she’s making that such a big deal because I’m pretty sure at one point she “went missing” for 24 hours and was later discovered under Gary’s stomach gasping for air and munching on chicken-soft-tacos. Amber informs her friend over the phone (aka the time and temperature lady) that she broke up with Clinton, is spending more time with Leah, and how CPS is basically saying that Amber is doing awesome as a mom. She then tells the time and temperature lady that even though it was only 24 hours in jail, it was the worst 24 hours of her life. She says she was basically dropped in the drunk-tank with 6 other girls and forced to sit on the concrete floor with only one blanket. Wait. One blanket? Well that’s one more blanket than she currently has on her own bed at home so basically she traded up by going to jail. More importantly, I’m not sure what’s up with Amber’s pink and black claws and eyelashes but if she thinks Marilyn Monroe was a $2 dollar prostitute, she’s off by about $8 more dollars.

Just in the nick of time, Gary’s mom comes over to Amber’s house of horror to spread a little sunshine into my life. The doorbell rings and Leah just goes running over to it desperately trying to turn the doorknob and yelling “come in” regardless of who’s on the other side. That’s a cry for help. She’s basically like, “Kidnappers? Come and take me away, please! I’ll leave my princess sh*t behind, just go go go!” However, it wasn’t a kidnapper (drat!) but Gary’s sex-pot mother wearing…wait for it….wait for it…overalls. I mean take down those “dungaree straps” and let your double F’s fly in the breeze. Why she’s dressed like Dorothy’s father from The Wizard of Oz is beyond me, but those pesky “poors” are tricky! Amber tells Gary’s mom that the thought of going to jail doesn’t scare her at all…and then in the next breath she says it does scare her because she can’t imagine being without her daughter for that long. Uh, didn’t she just start seeing Leah for the first time in like a month while she was busy “decorating” her house? Also, I don’t care.

Amber’s mom later comes over to watch Leah for her while Amber runs all her normal errands like going to see her psychiatrist and the like. At first I was pissed that none of the therapy scenes were shown, but was relieved when we got to sit in on an awkward date between Gary and his friend…some dude we’ve never seen before that didn’t look poor so I wasn’t really sure what he was doing there. Gary is telling his “friend” how lonely he is (aka is having a tough time lifting his stomach with one hand and using his other hand to give himself seconds of pleasure) without Amber and his “friend” tells him that he’s there for him so he never has to feel alone. His “friend” then jokes that it’s like they’re on a date (aka a lady never pays) and how they should light the candle on the table, to which Gary replies, “well you lit a candle right here in my heart.” Dear Jesus make this stop. Had they not had a “no contact” order Gary would have swiped Amber’s fake eyelashes and then started batting them at his gentlemen caller sitting across from him. Puke, puke, puke, puke, puke, I’m lovin’ it!

Krystle Meth comes over with her kid that I’ve never seen before and I’m even more confused on why it looks like Krystle Meth has gained a sh*t ton of weight from the last time we’ve seen her and, apparently, morphed into a white trash Adele right before our very eyes. Suddenly Amber’s mom comes home with Leah and her trademark white sweatshirt and Leah just stands there and pukes all over herself and all over the place. Krystle shouts out, “Well looks like she just had corn!” Well Yeeee Haw! That’s like finding candy in the pinata for “the poors.” Had it been Gar Bear that puked we would have found an entire cob still in tact.

The next day Amber is a little tired because Leah was up all night puking and crapping on Amber…kinda like Amber and Gary have been doing to our eyes and brains for 2 years. That’s called karma, kids! Amber and Gary have a police escort to court/CPS because they’re not allowed to be near each other. I’m sure the tax payers of Crack-a-lackee Where Ever, USA are psyched that that’s where their money is going towards. Gary decides that he’ll take Leah to the doctors “later” but in the meantime she’s going to some trash box babysitter. That’s nice. The good news is that CPS decided that Amber still has custody of Leah, but will be watching her and Gary for the next few months…as we will, as we will. Oh, and Gary did end up taking Leah to the doctor. She has strep throat, a fever, and two ear infections. Awesome. You totally know Leah was licking other kids toys and all the doorknobs she could to try to get sick and dirt nap it out to get away from her parents. Nice attempt, but your plan is foiled because the medicine will get you back to normal before you know it!

In the end, Krystle Meth comes back over to Amber’s house with cupcake supplies from some gross store. Amber claims her throat hurts and she feels like she’s going to puke, but she’s mustering up enough energy to make and eat the cupcakes with Krystle Meth. And why do all the cupcake supplies have bright orange price-tag stickers on them that makes me feel like she bought them in a metal bin with a sign that says, “Expired Yesterday, So, Sale!” Personally, my favorite part was when Amber was explaining to Krystle Meth how in “court” Gary was sitting one seat away from her, but they weren’t allowed to look at each other, say hello, goodbye, or speak out loud to each other. Really? I love court! Thank you, court! All of “The America” thanks you!

Catelynn – Well folks, the other shoe has officially dropped. You see, Teresa and Brandon have sent Catelynn and Tyler an email that pretty much was like “peace out rust dumpsters” because they’re more than likely not going to let iCarly attend their graduation. Eh, she can watch it on TV like the rest of us. More importantly, Catelynn is reading this email to Tyler on her iPad. I’ll repeat that. On her iPad. iPad. Wasn’t she freaked out about getting a job to pay her $60 phone bill, but an iPad she can easily afford? Neat. And you know April has no clue what an iPad is. Although something tells me she is currently pulling out her box of Maxi Pads and trying to type on them just to show Catelynn up. After Cate reads the email she can Tyler talk about the difference between being the parents vs. being the birth parents. Um, the main difference is that you gave you baby up for adoption so you are no longer parents and need to leave that poor family alone. Focus all your attention on Butch for Christ sakes!

Catelynn has officially finished high-school after 6 years and Monte is going try to diddle his way to freedom one last time. He asks Catelynn if she has a minute after class to talk and then gives her a big hug. Inappropriate! I’m kidding. I’m sure at her school that was just the final exam. If she takes out her retainer and uses her mouth that’s extra credit. Now was that crossing some sort of line? Because in my mind I don’t think so, but then sometimes I wonder what you, the people, experience internally when you read this. We learn that April never graduated from high school (spin-off!) and had Cate when she was only 19 (practically a woman by then), but that through all this Catelynn decided that she wants to be a pre-school teacher. I mean, she didn’t specify that she wants to be Carly’s pre-school teacher, then first trade teacher, then second grade teacher, and then eventually her mother…but you know she was thinking it. Anyway, good old Monte. I can’t wait until he’s busted for kiddie porn on his Apple IIc.

My life becomes complete when suddenly April, Kim, Maryland, the chick with the square hair, and Tyler in a teal windbreaker are all in the same room at the same time for a little celebration for Catelynn making it out of school alive and without a baby (technically speaking). This was a Poors Jackpot for me! Sadly, Butch wasn’t there and April peaced out within seconds but at least I got to see them all. I only wished they had taken a group photo like they were the Rockford Peaches. Eh, I’m keeping it. Anypizzaforthepoors, some kid who looks like a mole is asking Tyler if he can ever picture himself with another girl and he immediately (immediately) says yes and then kind of looks at the camera and it like, “but not really.” Busted. Also, busted is the fact that Tyler has about 10 different hair lengths throughout this episode. Sometimes it’s almost shaved to the scalp and other times it’s in half-a-pauly-d mode. I mean, I don’t really care but it’s fine to find these things. It’s like a nice learning game to keep my mind sharp whilst it’s rotting.

Since Catelynn must have received her MTV check, she’s decided to take Tyler to a romantic bed and breakfast. She’s online (on her iPad of course…showoff) looking at some place called something like Holly Berry Bed and Breakfast. Sounds like I’d rather experience a nuclear holocaust, but this place seems right up Catelynn’s alley. She calls Holly Berry to find out what their most expensive room is and I’m impressed. Followed by the lady who works there responding by saying, “Are you talking about the jet tub room?” And suddenly I realize this place is going to be more like one of those motels on on the side of the highway that you rent by the hour and has a sign half lit up outside bragging about their “Free HBO!” They should shave their privates before they go because things are going to try to attach down there. You know it, I know it, and the lady on the phone knows it. Regardless, Catelynn settled for the “Sunshine Room.” I’m sure that’s code for “There was a sale on yellow paint, so we did the whole room in it.”

Meanwhile, Tyler heads off to his moms house to sit on her puffy leather couches and talk about all of Catelynn’s insecurities. I know I say it week after week but I F’n love Kim with all of my heart. All of it. I mean, there’s not much left of it, but still. I couldn’t love her any more than I do. When they’re talking about Cate’s insecurities, Kim just blurts out, “I got big insecurities…major!’ and my heart breaks. I love Kim just the way she is and wants her to never feel insecure about herself. Ever. I mean, she curls her bangs. Hot. She wears shoulder pads. Hot. She has and endless supply of turtlenecks. Hot. Her eyes bug out on the regular. Hot! Don’t change a God-damn thing. I just want to play Jenga with Kim and hug her. That is all.

Finally Catelynn ends up surprising Tyler with this Bed and Breakfast ski trip that comes with private ski lessons. Private. Ski. Lessons. Giving up your kid rules! Look at all the money you end up getting and all the fun stuff you get to do! Awesome! In typical “poors” fashion they’ll be skiing in their jeans. Yep. That won’t suck the first time they fall. It’s like they fall once and die from hypothermia in under 6 minutes. Well planned. Later they’re trying to have a romantic conversation on the side of the mountain about life and Tyler says that it’s fun to do stuff like this because a “routine isn’t a life…it’s a routine.” Oh snap! Sounds like someone has been stealing Butch’s one-liners! Catelynn takes a jab at Tyler by calling him Mr Vocabulary and this truly makes me wonder how she made it out of Monte’s class and into free society. She tries to recover by calling Tyler, “Mr Heart-Felt Sayings.” Gross and vomit all at the same time. I’m not sure how “heart-felt” he is since he basically called Catelynn a fat-ass whilst talking to his mom the day before. But, why the hell am I getting involved. Although, if Catelynn wants to get a toothbrush and “get in shape” I’d support her.

In the end, the Bed and Breakfast (in which Catelynn called a “Bread and Breakfast”) looks like a sh*t hole and the attic of all of our dead nana’s homes. At least we spotted the “jet tub” and, well, it looks gross. Personally I think that train that keeps on going by adds a nice touch to the romantic weekend. If only it would take a sharp left turn, crash through my television, and kill me…that would be fine. “Bread and Breakfast.” Hmmph. Flash cards, Catelynn, flash cards!

Maci – I’m angry. When it comes time to recap Maci’s scenes I want to close my laptop, repeatedly, on my ding-a-ling until I see black and pass out. Let’s get this over with as quickly as possible (like getting oral pleasure from Maci on a bad break-out day). Maci’s little snitch of a friend calls her to tell her that Ryan was spotted out at night when he was supposed to be watching Bint-Lee. Little snitches go to hell, b*tch, so keep your mouth shut and legs closed, trash heap. Meanwhile over at Ryan’s he’s getting Bint-Lee ready for bed at…wait for it…10:00pm. 10? If Teen Mom wasn’t on I’d be sleeping about 1 hour before 10 and I’m 21! Also, yawn.

We learn that Maci is back on track with school because Kyle kicks her out of the house on days when she has class. I’m sure he could just use the peace and quiet. Plus, he probably needs to set up his 17 different buckets of protein powder he apparently has scattered around the house. Maci’s mom is talking about Maci’s issues with Ryan and ends up giving her typical jab to Maci by saying, “you should have thought of that before having his baby.” Then suddenly a cartoon condom falls on Maci’s face in her scrapbook photo. MTV is fun!

Nothing else great happens with these rust dumpsters except that Maci asks Bint-Lee who takes care of him and he answers “Mimi” which is code for Ryan’s mom. She ends up confronting Ryan in his truck about him going out at night and he denies it, but just keeps saying, “Go ‘head, make me look stupid. Make me look stupid.” Come on! Give her a real challenge. Also, stop snorting and spitting every 10 seconds. You sound like April on a binge. And you know what kind I’m talking about. After their fight at the truck, we learn that Bint-Lee was in the back the whole time. Yup, he was sitting in his car seat right next to another empty car seat. I mean, how many kids does this guy have? Imagine if he had Sophia? That would be an awesome twist. In fact, he should get all the kids. Lean and Carly included!

In the end (thank God) Maci and Kyle go out for a “nice dinner” and she asks Kyle if he’s happy he moved in with her and then asks him what’s next so that she can stop waiting. Relax Maci…you’re like 12. You can get married when you fully get through puberty. Blonk!

Episode Rating: 2 Puffy Leather Couches and 1 Ugly Crying Farrah

85 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

IBBB Said,
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Jenny Said,
I seriously took mental notes last night of all the things I HAD to comment on!

1. Amber: I was wondering why the hell her eyes were 3/4 shut the whole episode then I realized her fake eyelashes must have been weighing her lids down. GAG

2: Farrah: I immediately thought, “ZOMG, Farrah is getting braces!! Patrick is going to be soooo happy!!”

3. Maci: She had a full on conversation with Bint-Lee then popped his pacifier in his mouth. Really??? Does he really need that thing? NO!!! Burn that thing along with your extensions Maci. Please?

4. Cate: I’m starting to think Tyler is gay. NTTAWWT And they have no chemistry whatsoever. And her teacher was like all over her.
Felicity Said,
I’m pretty sure Leah puked not because she was sick, but because her body was rejecting a vegetable. Come on, Amber, we saw the donut and the Happy Meal.

I think that teacher was planning on murdering Catelynn. Creep to the eeee.
Jenny Said,
Amber’s fake eyelashes looked so stupid. Also, I think the end is near for Catelynn and Tyler. I couldn’t wait to hear Patrick’s comments on Farrah getting braces!
Long time IBBB fan Said,
I don’t usually disagree with you ( because I wuv your blog so much) but I don’t think it would be a bad idea for Sophia to stay with Debra and Michael. At least until Farrah got settled. That would be a BIG move for her and would be 10X more stressful for a child (which is why most ppl wouldn’t do it in the first place but it’s Farrah so I digress). Any who it wouldn’t be horrible since it’s her grandparents and not total strangers. It’s temporary. I mean besides, once she gets a dose of reality she’ll be back in good old I-O-W-A before the semester is over.
Bethie Said,
Ambien: Who the hell encourages their kids to kiss after one of them blows corn chunks on their Magna Doodle? I wonder if Krystle Meth’s kid got the strep too. We’ll never know, because he’s home alone right now while his mom is buying out Big Lot’s supply of expired FunFetti cupcakes and icing on a crank induced sugar binge.

Farrah: It’s funny that you need subtitles since you got your “invisible” braces for your cross bite. It’s a shame your getting rid of it, because I think it would have given you the edge you’ll need in a few years in the porn industry.

Maci: Better save some of the MTv hair extension money. Since you plan on allowing Bintlee to use a paci until he’s 12, I imagine his teeth will be more jacked than April’s forehead.

Catelynn: MTV has brought you money and I’m guessing has brought Tyler hordes of skanky chicas who’d like to try making some ICarlys of their own. Rest assured, since Tyler is likely gay, you needn’t worry.
alwayssunny Said,
bed and breakfasts creep me the f out. you can’t have sex in a bed and breakfast unless you want everyone (including the deaf old lady who runs it and her 36 cats) to know everything you did. breakfast is awkward.

also, maci…see you next tuesday.
dacabsarehere Said,
I think I just had the loudest laugh everrr from your blog. Giving Catelynn a toothbrush to yanno “get healthy” … about made me pee my seat.

Where do I begin? Well let’s start by explaining to you what the poors out here in Michigan, Indiana and Ohio call “Big and Lots”. It’s basically like a dollar store, where you buy crap that’s not a dollar. It’s like a Value City? Familiar or to white trash again? Lol. The orange stickers is how they price all the crap they bought or that fell off a truck that was originally on it’s way to Kmart. It’s a dusty nightmare, full of press wood furniture and cleaning/cooking products about a day away from expiration date. Now that that little lesson is taught, let’s move on …

I love how everyone is talking about the feathers Ambuh has attached to her eyelids. Is this a way to block out the sunlight so she can sleep with less interruption? She looks so damn retarded. I hope the feather-lash company pulls a Situation make MTV blur out the tops of her eyelashes for the finale.

Tyler and Catelynn. I hope Catelynn got Monte’s phone number because it looks like the community college is making Tyler think and rethink and think again about ways he can get the F out of this relationship. Soon as this show is over for good, Catelynn’s clothes will be in a Hefty bag resting on the curb of that MTV-funded palace on wheels. We basically learned he views her as a fat, insecure, dead-weight he has to “stick by” since yanno she followed his orders and got rid of that kid and spared him 18 years of child support. Also, I think Monte is just getting ready for his next reality experience when he pops into Chris Hansens house for some lemonade and cookies.

Farrah bores the shit out of me. All I hear is “OK, Mom”, “Ok, Michael”, “OK, Sophia” … like OK Farrah, we get it you eye-rolling, ugly-crying, asshole, life is hard. You graduated Community College before Catelynn even started and you kept your kid! So stop your whining all the damn time! Sheesh.

Am I the only one realizing that Maci is turning into Britney Spears more and more every week? From her oily ass skin, lazy ass choices and that weave that looks like the back of a dogs wet ass shes one step away from beating Ryan’s truck with an umbrella. Y’all!
dacabsarehere Said,
comment blocker f’ing hates me this weekend!
ang Said,
i think montee is the teacher, principle, janiter, and lunch lady in the school. he seems to be the only one there all the time…garys friend was hot. im pretty sure theyre not really friends mtv must have found him outside the restauraunt and offered him a pointless 2 min role…bentley is sooo cute
ang Said,
btw i remember an episode las season when maci got so pissed at ryan bc he gave bentley his paccy… a yr later, maci is still poppin it in his mouth so wtf
Katherine Said,
Did anybody else think it was extremely gross for Amber to make Krystle Meth’s never-been-seen-before son kiss Leah after she puked? And Krystle Meth was dumb enough to stand there and let him do it? I would have grabbed my child and headed for the hills immediately. Just say no to infectious diseases. And then it turns out that Leah had strep. Nice!
Monica Said,
Did anyone else notice that Apple computer sitting on the counter at Gary’s ski chalet? Apple product placements everywhere!
Andee Said,
Tyler kept spacing out like he was gearing himself up for dumping her. I’d love it if he just blurted out “I’m gay!” in the middle of dinner.
I'mTooOldForThis Said,
Gary’s mom’s overalls made my day. I was so hoping you’d mention them in your recap.

I think CPS should go after Amber & Gary for sending Leah to daycare when they knew she was sick. I’m sure the other parents at that daycare appreciate their kids getting strep.
Kiera Said,
I’m sorry but where does Farrah get this idea that’s she model material?
Lisa Said,
- Catelynn and Tyler were skiing at Mt Holly which is pretty close to me. it’s a nice area but I agree that the “bread and breakfast” looked scary. I was also curious about private ski lessons so I looked and it’s only $50.

- I missed the Tyler/Kim conversation about Catelynn and her insecurities. did he actually call her big? what was he saying? someone fill me in!

- Amber’s eyelashes…UGH. at least little Leah finally had her hair pulled back out of her face. that thrilled me. also – couldn’t help but notice Gary’s Apple computer.

- Farrah – I know she ended up moving so I can’t wait to see how that all plays out. maybe Debra will move with her? I also had to lol at her “invisible” braces.
Alyssa Said,
Debra also has an ugly cry! I see where Farrah gets it from.
Sue Said,
Did you not notice Baby Goop’s shiny silvery pants!!!!???
Square Hair Said,
@Bethie – all your comments were hilarious!!!

Maci’s hair extensions look like crap!! You can so see her stringy short hair hanging out from under them!

I also can’t believe Amber told KM’s baby to kiss Leah after the threw up! Grossss!

Also, the “Bread and Breakfast” (I caught that too and knew you’d mention it!) lady freaked me out!!!
Kiera Said,
I still wonder what’s up with the two car seats in Ryan’s truck.
QueenofCorona Said,
Tyler reminds me more and more of David Silver from Beverly Hils 90210 when he was going through that stage where he thought he was a black R&B singer.
Elizabeth Said,
Product placement like whoa in this episode! Not just Gare-Bear’s Apple, but also Aussie shampoo in Maci’s shower, with an Aussie commercial following. Coincidence? I think not. You’d think with all of the free hair products she must get, she would at least look like she’d bathed in the last week. I also like how Krystle Meth said that they were baking a “confetti cake.” You know that Pillsbury was NOT about to become the newest sponsor of Incarcerated Teen Mothers of America.
Icka Said,
I like that Ryan goes to Buffalo Wild Wings to “party.”
Kaytie Said,
Farrah keeps making all these changes but ignores the obvious nose job that needs to happen in order to even have half a chance at “modeling”. Mrs. Gulch needs a better mirror.
funkster166 Said,
Debra..if you would have knocked Farrahs teeth out the first time she back talked you and Michael..she would have no need for braces.

Maci- You have kyle helping you out with bint lee..its only fair Ryan has his parents. please lose the halloween costume fake extensions

AMBER- unless you want a career change get rid of the PORN eyelashes and try to find a hairbrush instead.

Catelynn.. maybe eat less pizza and stop being a stage 5 clinger..then you may be more attractive. I am seriously wanting to kidnap poor tyler away from his stalker/GF. Never fear if Ty dumps you , you always have your teacher to fall back on..
katie Said,
i would like to know why amber stuck the meatloaf (still in the plastic grocery bag) in the microwave.
LOVED the overalls. god, those are great.
if catelard wants to lose weight, may i suggest she stop hanging out at the pizza place? can’t use the baby as an excuse forever, gotta get off your duff and do something. i do have to say, though, catelynn is the only girl who doesn’t care what she looks like while the cameras are there. the other ones get all whored up with fake eyelashes (amber, for real, get a clue), hair extensions (maci….ugh), and/or starve themselves to be a size 0 (farrah…..anyone else notice that she didn’t eat at the restaurant they went to?)
could not believe that meth and ambuhh were okay with having their kids kiss after leah puked. i bet cps watches this show.
gary has one foot out of the closet, in my opinion. i was more than uncomfortable watching his date with evan, who, fyi, he calls leah’s “manny”.
hard to believe that c&t have lived in michigan in all their lives and don’t own a set of snow pants. kim has an arsenal of turtlenecks to combat the cold weather, but ty has no snow pants? something ain’t right there.
gotta go, time for my bread for breakfast.
LisaP Said,
dressed like dorothy’s father in the wizard of oz???? i knew your comment would KILL the minute i saw those overstuffed overalls walk in the door. expectations exceeded again!!
Bitch Jungle Said,
Big Lots also sells capri sun that should have been sent to Mexico because they are all in Spanish…..

eyelashes for court? ok, honey.
39 & Not Pregnant Said,
Oh where to start? First off, thanks to Patrick for making me cry literal tears reading this- bravo!

Farrah- I saw baby Goo’s shiny pants. She looked like Michael Jackson. And Debra gave her a Barney cup just to piss off Farrah I’m sure.

Maci- was she on tonight? God, so boring. Except for Bentley. He is precious and he talks so well. Why is she always sticking that thing back in his mouth?

Amber- correction. She didn’t spend 24 hours in jail. She spent that day in “gel”. That doesn’t get old.
I lol’d at the body rejecting the vegetable comment and thought the same thing. Actually my first thought was that she had just shasta mcnasty’d when I heard the corn comment. So many parenting mistakes here. Puke? Sure, let her kiss your son. More puke? Take her to the babysitter like normal, then after your day squeeze in the doc.

Catelynn- he totally said “because she’s fat” to his mom. Maybe he was reiterating her thoughts but you could tell her was signing off on that diagnosis. It was hilarious to watch this ski trip a night after the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. To put it nicely, there were no hot chocolate chip cookies at the bottom of Cate & Ty’s hill. Could you imagine combining those shows for this event? Lisa and Adrienne would spray them with mace just for breathing their air.
KS Said,
Just when I was trying to think oif what Mr. KS and I would do for our upcoming 22nd anniversary – I find out that there is something called “The Bread and Breakfast” WITH a jet tub! Of course I shudder to think of what would be picked up there that would need an IV drip of antibiotics to clear up, but that’s another story line.

I have been thinking for a long time that Tyler is gay. He acts like a little 12 year old girl every time Dawn has pictures of “if only Carly were here” for them. He does that weird thing with his hands and squeals while bouncing up and down in his seat.

Farrah… move FAR away with Baby Goo from your Mother. She’s insane.

Kyle, take a page out of Ryan’s playbook – head for the hills, Maci is a succubus.

Amber & Gary – PLEASE for the love of all that is holy, let’s all hope that CPS does watch these segments. When Leah threw up, Amber alost showed her true colors when she quipped “EXCUSE ME?” instead of you know…. checking on their child. I’m sorry, but you cannot have a child with strep throat and double ear infections, and NOT have a fever. This moron is clueless, then she tells her to kiss her cousin – nice… let’s pass on the germs. And? I LOVE how she has full custody of Leah – while Gar-Bear and the Manny take Leah to the Dr. and back to the chalet to get better. Of course this will leave Amber time to apply those drag queen eyelashes on badly, use a trowel to put on her make up, and get hooker nails; all the while forgeting to comb or brush her hair.
lav Said,
on gary’s twitter, he and his friend he went to dinner with tweet each other allllll the time. all the time. they are pretty much bff’s.

all of amber’s pictures of marilyn monroe are RIDICULOUS. she had at least three hanging on her bedroom wall behind her bed. so. weird. mix it up a little. come on!
KS Said,
I can’t remember where I read this, but it did lead me to actually look up her My Space (yeah, I know) – she actually had on there that she is “the REAL Marilyn Monroe – only brunette!” Ah…. the delusions of the drug addled.
Joanna Said,
First off, your captions for the pics at the top of this recap are GOLD. Gold, I say! “Catelynn goes in for the full monty?!” Priceless.

Also, if Farrah leaves Sophia with her mom for even a week, you know she would never get her back. Her mom is clearly trying to pull a “Barb & Janelle” and get custody signed over to her.

I also cosign with the commenter who said that Tyler reminds them of Brian Austin Green (or as I affectionately call him, BAG) on 90210. Perfect reference! And seriously, they need to kick those two off the show stat. They depress me. Catelynn hates herself and it’s becoming more and more obvious with each episode that Tyler is starting to as well-yes, he def told his mom she was fat. Yikes! And it seriously concerns me that they don’t seem to get what it means to give your child up for adoption. If I were Brandon and Theresa I would cease all contact asap.

Lastly, why does everybody pick on Maci so much? I love her! I think she’s the best mom on this show, Bentley is the cutest, and Kyle is very supportive and a good stepdad figure to Bentley. I get that she has bad skin and makes bad choices, but hey, she is like 19 and at least her bad choices don’t cause her to wind up in “gel” or cause her mother to try and slice and dice her to death.
littlemamababy Said,
Meth probably wiped her kid down with Fabuloso! wipes from big lots.
katie Said,
i’d also like to add that ryan’s mom was totally mortified that the the camera’s caught ryan going out when bentley was there. she kept saying “no he’s not”, and the tone in her voice was “shut the fuck up you idiot, don’t you see that the cameras are here and are going to catch my son being irresponsible?”
KMJ Said,
Great recap, as usual! I loved Gary’s mom’s overalls and totally thought of you when I saw her wearing them.

I’m convinced that Tyler is gay, which is fine. Maybe he’ll come out of the closet next week during the finale? Doubtful, but one can dream
Jenny Said,
KS- had to Google succubus. Thank you.
Erica Said,
Can we please talk about how many times Amber said “gel” instead of “jail”?
K Said,
Maci’s mom – You should of never had his baby (insert huge condom picture here)

Ive never laughed so much at this show.
Legend Said,
You all act as if you’ve never hurled and then planted on one someone! Just me? Okay, nevermind.
Jenny Said,
@ Legend- Actually I have done that! I got drunk on a first date once. We had spaghetti for dinner I puked it all up right in front of him and we proceeded to make out… True story.

I miss being young.
Joanna Said,
Oh! I totally forgot to mention that not only was Gary’s mom wearing overalls, but they had an amazing black and white stripe going down each leg, just like those classic JNCO jeans of the 90’s! I died.
KittyKat Said,
The bright orange stickers were courtesy of Big Lots. Only super white trash would by food from Big Lots. Closeout Stores FTW!

This show must privately get some kicks from Barney. That bitch is all over the place. And two plugs for Buffalo Wild Wings in one show? Ryan and his friend were going there and I saw a bag of it sitting on Amber’s counter. I hope they all enjoyed what I’m sure was a whole day on le toilette the next day. BWW FTW PT2! And @Icka…my boyfriend once got a lap dance (no, not from me…) at good ol’ BWW. It’s crazier than you might think.

You hit every nail on the head this week. Hard. I’ve been noticing all of the bottles of protein and other supplements in the kitchen at Maci’s for awhile. Wondered when you’d mention it. And how you saved the photos had me rolling before I even read a single word. I would be lost without you. Lost.

Also, comments by readers are just as great as the recap. We’re like a great big blog family and Patrick is our (not teen) dad.
Anne Said,
I’m glad that we’re on board that Tyler is gay. I could actually see a spin-off in about 25 years for when iCarly is getting married and Tyler comes back into her life to style her wedding.

Where have all the friends of the Teen Moms been all season? No one’s blown up at IBBB on this blog for far too long. I like when ‘the poors’ come on here and spread their logic.
SuzieQ Said,
I bet Brandon and Theresa are packing and moving to a different country. No one wants to know that much about a birth family let alone be reminded of the daily embarrassment they are causing ICarly.
I also loved the overalls. You know she wasn’t picking corn but she knew there was a possibility of her picking up something besides Leah.
Why the F pops did Maci try to start a fight with Ryan because she didn’t want her cash cow to go to his dads? She could get another spin off if her and Ryan would opps it again. Just saying. Maybe he though he had to give Maci a ride home so brought an extra car seat for her? Who knows. Id like to though.
I think Baby Goo should stay with trash claw Debra and Michael. They show her the most love and stability. They won’t give her to the neighbor when she has accidents.
Mmmmmmmmmmmurdith Said,
I’m with you, Anne. I’d like some of the poors to come out and hate on Patrick.

The overalls. I couldn’t handle it. It was too much.

God, Amber is gross. Kissing someone after you vomit? Such poor parenting. I am a stay-at-home mom and I would never have time for even light makeup, much less troweling it on like that hooker. And false eyelashes? Where does she get the energy? She can’t get up off the couch to cook (plastic bag and takeout in the microwave? WTF?) but she can apply her false eyelashes now. Dumb hooker.
Mmmmmmmmmmmurdith Said,
Anyone else wonder if Brandon and Theresa have possibly changed Carly’s name? I would. And just not tell. She would be Emma or Natasha or Tyffani or some bullshit, but God, not Carly anymore.
Wednesdaystreat Said,
Yeah, the fact that Gar and Ambuhhhhhh were spreading the plague somehow didn’t surprise me, but it was still so gross.

Never fear, Farrah will be back when she finds out getting her BA in cooking stuff is “too much work.” That is all of these girls’ mantra.

Ryan’s mother’s reactions to him are just so telling. He was never made to do ANYTHING–she kinda makes me sick. Bintlee is a cutie, but his two-year-old tantrums are annoying. He seems to be the worst. When Maci told him it was time for a bath, I plugged my ears waiting for the screams.

Caitlyn was disgusting last night. GET A LIFE! Ty is totally on his way out–to some gay bar–where he may meet up with Gar and the Manny! SPINOFF!
H Said,
First of all, weren’t Farrah’s parents getting a divorce? What happened with that?

Second of all, don’t hate on the B&B, it’s actually a pretty decent place. It’s about $150 a night so stay there, and it’s not gross. (They are usually way cleaner than hotels.)
claire Said,
Farrah – I’m totally getting a ‘The Hand That Rocks the Cradle’ vibe from Deborah. Between casually suggesting Farrah leave Sophia to her in a will before the big boob job and now this. Just creepy. Either way, Farrah’s a twat. I am personally waiting for Michael to end up on Guys Who Snap.

Amber – Poor Leah. A double ear infection and strep throat? She’s little, how did nobody notice she was sick until she threw up?! When one of my kids got an ear infection at that age they would either wake up crying, run a fever, and/or be extremely fussy. It was obvious. Amber needs to do Leah a favor and drop dead already.

Catelynn – She’s useless. Put down the pizza and grab a salad. Also, quit blaming the weight gain on Carly since she’s nearly 2 and you were thinner when you delivered her.

Maci – Really?! She was suprised to find out that Ryan’s mom was taking care of Bently. Seriously. Why would that be so shocking considering he was such a hands on dad while they were together.
Penelope Said,
Yes, it appears that Tyler has a whopping case of The Gays. I spend most of my time during their segments cringing. Cringing at how needy and clingy Cate is, cringing at how she is just ignoring all of the signs that Tyler is, at the very least, completely divested in their relationship, and of course cringing at their continued delusion that they are ever going to have anything more to do with Carly, Brandon and Theresa. I said it once, I will say it again: I would close that adoption so fast, the slam would be heard all the way in New Zealand. Change names, get new SS numbers, get new phone numbers. Yank off that bandaid once and for all, Brandon and Theresa. In the long run, it would be the kindest thing for them to do.

Here’s another vote for Baby Goo to stay with Trash Claw Granny and Lord Prickly Pear. The thing is, I think Farrah is actually a pretty darned good mother. But Sofia needs stability in her life. I feel like Farrah is using her daughter as a weapon against her parents. Not cool. And braces? What’s wrong with her teeth, exactly?

I am increasingly unable to watch any of Amber’s segments because I worry so much about Leah. Big Lots cupcakes for an illness. Real mothering going on there. No wonder Leah calls her “Ambuh” instead of “Mommy.”

Maci, please spend a little more time popping your zits and smearing some Proactiv on your face and a little less time ramping up the drama with your babydaddy. Girl, everyone can see that you are creating dramatic situations because those give you more excuses to interact with Rhine, who you totally still love. You’d drop Kie in a half a second if you thought you had another chance with Rhine. Creating your own little soap opera situations might get your nipples hard, but you’re hurting your son. (Who is, by the way, still the damned cutest little kid ever.)
ang Said,
joanna– omg i have to watch the episode again to catch the line down the pants..your comment made me laugh
HEY-OH Said,
Didn’t anyone notice how Bentley yelled “baa” instead of bye (just like his mommy)?

The MTV money must be pretty good because they all have like 50 inch flat screen TV’s and no job.

You know Caitlyn and Tyler have spent all day today in “counseling” after she heard Ty call her fat on national television. She was probably up all night purging last night.
THIS EXPLAINS IT Said,
I always assumed that Michael was Farrah’s stepdad. Why else would she call him by his first name? Then I ran across this treat, and now I can (partly) understand why this chick is bat-shit-crazy. This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. Debra must be some kind of horrible monster, and Michael must be a super wimp.

“Farrah did an interview with MomFinds in which she explains she has always called her dad Michael at her mother’s request because her sister had a different father and Deborah didn’t want the daughters to feel like thye might be treated differently. From Farrah:

‘Everyone asks this. I have a sister and we have different dads, so in all fairness to my sister I call my dad Michael just like she does and everyone else in my family. It works out fairly this way in my family. I do call my dad “Dad” sometimes. If others look at this as a disrespectful thing then you can talk to my mom about it. I never started it, I was taught to do it this way.’ “
Raquel Said,
Did anyone else catch that when Leah kissed Krystal Meth’s son, she said “we’re going to go brush your teeth!” yeah…annnd maybe look into some antibiotics. the kid threw up, i’m pretty sure bad breath is the last concern.
Also, i think Amber spends more time saying “i’m a good mom” and “i have full custody” than she does taking care of Leah.

Tyler has one oversized-brim hat out the door in that relationship. And Catelynn IS fat, though i think her forehead and terrible haircuts might be just as bad of a problem.

Maci is definitely trying to stay interesting. And wants to snatch Ryan back from whatever whore made him put that extra car seat in his truck.

great recap as usual! has anyone else noticed the lack of previews for either 16 & Pregnant or Teen Mom 2?
SimplySarah Said,
Tyler looked so thrilled to be at the bread and breakfast. Poor guy. I think he’s going to make a break for it soon.
Ashley in NC Said,
I don’t know how Farrah made it to 19 years without her parents beating the bag out of her. What an awful human being.

Also, I think Kyle must be the sweetest guy ever for doing all that he does for Maci and Bint-ley. I almost find him mildly attractive (don’t judge) because of it.
donna Said,
sophia and bentley need to give up the pacis,tyler totally want to bang other girls.on one of the pages it said brandon and teresa did not want carlys pic on catelynns or anyones facebook page.so i see a closed adoption very soon.maci and ryan flirt all the time,they want each other.ambers eyelashes freak me out.
Aharvey Said,
So, Amber can’t afford to get her GED or diploma but she can afford a giganto flat screen tv?????? She is a dirty crack whore. The eyelashes and trashy makeup plus the greasy ponytail/effed up bun thing on top of her head are HOT. NOT. How do you not know your kid has strep throat and double ear infections? My son had a runny nose and off to the urgent care we went! Here is some food for thought you nasty, Tammy Faye lookin, coke snorting, high school drop out skank….stop saying “I’m a GOOD mom” and start paying attention to your kid!!!!!

Cate and Ty….for the love of all things adoptable, please stop talking in that creepy accent, its just weird and stupid. STUPID. Tyler is about 2 seconds from hauling balls out the door, you can see it in his eyes, well we can, Catelynn obviously can’t. I completly agree that they have crossed the line with Carly and her parents, like last week, when they moved into the trailer and Cate put 1 of 500 framed pictures of iCarly on the shelf, Tyler said (in that creepy accent) “Welcome Home Carly!!!” What the hell?!!!! LET IT GO butch Jr! Oh and I think Ive seen that creepy teacher dude somewhere before..oh yea….on the Megans law website. Can we say “Level 2 offender”…he was totally looking at her ass when she walked out!

I personally loved when Bint Lee came running into the house in his helmet and refused to take it off…….lmao……foreshadowing my friends. Foreshadowing.
Dena Said,
I’ve so waited for this today. I know that Gary’s mom in her overalls would be the best EVER. Notice how she didn’t sit like normal on the couch, she more or less sprawled?

Tyler’s mom, bless her. I squealed when I saw the puffy leather couch. Why does she try now to be his BFF? “Hey, I’m insecure TOO”
yup Said,
maybe now that april and butch are divorcing, itll make it easier for tyler to leave catelyn
YouAreTheFather Said,
I totally think Catelynn was in remedial classes at school. Where else would they be proud that she got a 64 on her history test? Her class looked like it had 8 kids in it tops. Plus, what subject does Monty teach exactly? I thought he was her counselor?

I think Ty looks like a lighter skinned version of Bruno Mars. Especially with that Elvis-like hair he was sporting in the beginning of the episode.
Rachel Said,
I also think Tyler might have an affinity for the sauseeege. He just acts like a little girl all the time. Kim’s eyes practically popped out of her head at one point, and I was dying. Skiing in jeans, so WT-chic! The Bread and Breakfast looked like it hadn’t been redecorated since it was built in 1892. Monte, what a weirdo. I loved the little yawny-thing he did whilst asking her if she had a minute. Creeper.

Ambuhhh.. Just awful. I have no comments, because everyone has covered how much of a trainwreck she is. I did notice GarBear stuck with the Affliction clothes for their court appearance.. But GarBear, we can still see your jellyroll.

Agree with whoever called Farrah a twat. She needs to move to Jupiter so I never have to see her or her train tracks again.

I think Maci’s mom tries to make her feel like sh*t for having Bint-Lee. She kinda seems like a bia to me, every episode she has a comment like “well you should’ve kept your legs closed.” Well she didn’t, too late, shut up. Bint-lee is adorable, but he needs the paci taken away and also his arse whooped. Ryan’s parents annoy me.

Can’t wait for Butch in the finale next week! I’m also hoping Ty will exit the closet in a fabulous manner after finding out BrandonandTeresa have moved to Australia.

When does sweet Barbara Evans make her return????
Lisa Said,
Yes!! The overalls! The braces! Monte! Awesome recap… I was dying laughing though at Leah eating a donut in her first scene followed by a happy meal in the next.. poor thing spends way too much time with her dad…

Does Catelynn’s teeth bug anyone else?? I mean come on you don’t have to wear your retainer 24/7 and seriously stop buying iPads and trips to the worst BnB ever and get some floss, a sonicare, and some whitestrips!
LovetoReadHere Said,
Why I cannot abide Maci: I had a wicked aunt who would get that simpering Maci-smile on her face when she was trying to start some random crap with just about anyone. Yep, she’d plant herself dead-square in front of her victim (like Maci does to Rhine) and stare ‘em in the eyes with that cold, dead smile playing across her mouth. My former aunt is dead and in hell now, but the troubles she caused still exist in the world today. I get that vibe from Maci every time I see her . . . very strong intuition that she is absolutely not to be trusted.
TalkingToJoana Said,
@Joana, the reason people are talking crap about Maci is that a “good mom” does not 1) try to talk their TWO-year-old out of going to dad’s house and 2) interrogate said 2-year-old about who takes care of them, especially when you can ask the 2-year-old if he likes to eat dirt and he will stay yes; or 3) starts fights with their baby daddy in front of the baby; or 4) or take bad about the baby daddy in front of the baby and call him names; or 5) try to control the baby daddy into doing what you want (i.e. sit at home and think of you) by emotionally blackmailing him and saying you will take away his child.

Maci also doesn’t discipline Bint-lee or take away his paci, and she passes him off to Kie all the time so I’m not quite sure where you are getting the idea that she’s an awesome mom.
Kate Said,
I only had time to skim the recap and comments, but so far thinking…
KS-My oldest kiddo used to get strep (sometimes with ear infections) with no fever quite often. She ended up having her tonsils taken out. This doesn’t make Amber any less of an idiot, but just sayin. Oh, I did catch her say she gave Leah cold/cough medicine and I’m pretty sure THAT is a no-no until they are at least 5 or 6 years old. Good job Amber!

I think it’s funny that Debra is so concerned with Sophia’s development, when she obviously did so little with Farrah. Yes, let’s give the kid to Debra, when she’s already raised one child who can’t spell, graduated from culinary school (not with honors, I take it ), and is a raging bitch on wheels. Great idea!
Jules Said,
Talking to Joana – I totally agree with you on Maci and leaving Bent-lee with Kie. At least when Ryan does leave him (we assume) it is after he goes to bed. And they are his grandparents. Kie is not a blood relative and he babysits all the time while she is off going to school and whatever else she does (we assume it isn’t the dermatologist). She’s just annoying.

As far as Farrah – she doesn’t have to leave Sophia for her whole college career. Has anyone discussed maybe just letting Sophia stay with her grandparents until Farrah gets settled? Maybe a month or so and then have her move out. Seems like common sense to me but then again I ain’t “the poors”!
Jane says Said,
This recap and the ensuing comments totally make my day. [Patrick can you start typing your recap during the viewing and publish pronto so I can watch it RIGHT AFTER the show so I don't have to wait a day or hours? mmkay thanks. and yes I have no life.]

Lord Prickly Pear! ha. Who’s down with LPP? Yeah you know me! Erm well you don’t, but I think maybe I am down with LPP. I’m an epi or two late, but I totally thought he was going to pull a Thelma & Louise and drive off when Farrah and little Debbie were looking at icky houses. Better yet, drive baby Goo over to Brandon and Teresa’s house on your way to Cheers next time you’re babysitting. If/when you ever get over that monumental announcement about the imbisible braces, I mean. (Why no ticker tape on CNN or Good Morning America?)

And dammit Farrah. Stop. The LOUD TALKING. Unless maybe you’re trying to be clever ala 1993, along with Always Stating the Obvious. “I’m getting BRACES, you guys. On my TEETH. I wanted to announce it to you on your BIRTHDAY, Michael, while we’re at dinner, at the RESTAURANT, EATING FOOD.”… Hold on a minute, I need to ANSWER MY CELLPHONE. TO TALK. ON THE PHONE. TO SOMEONE ON THE OTHER END.
Seinfeld called and he wants his shtick back. GODDD, Farrah.

Why DO Cate and Ty speak in that wonky accent? Almost Fargo-ish or something. I’m from MI and I don’t know anyone who speaks in that manner. Maybe it’s because they’re further north, or perhaps their proximity to Canaduh? Beats me. Nonetheless, add me to the e-vite for Ty-Ty’s coming out partay at da club. Betcha two cupcakes, a two-liter of Mountain Holler, one fake ponytail, and one month’s membership to Curves that Ty is out of da closet before Cate loses da babyfat. Or Ambuhhh combs her hair. What teenager would ever think a night in Grammanana’s floral dust ruffle would be romantical or sexy? And please never try to make another icarly, ever.

I also thought that Amber’s blanket description of GEL sounded a lot more home-y than her home. And speaking of getting too big for one’s britches (Gar, Cate, Meth, Ambuh, et al…) and complete delusion… those fake lashes and tanning sessions are helping Ambie about as much as Farrah’s braces and tiddays. (Wasn’t there something in Us or People a while back that Amber was trying to get into modelling also?) Eesh. NO. And I’m pretty sure that GED classes provide free daycare and tutoring and tests, and probably even transportation. Seriously go. You can probably look it up on Gar-Bear’s Mac or ask someone on the twitter.

I lovelove hatehate these folks and this show and the fact that I watch it, even if moreso to relate to da blog these days.
Joanna Said,
I’m not saying Maci is mother of the year, but compared to Ambuhh and Farrah, she definitely wins. In fact, I’d even go so far as to say that she beats the moms in Teen Mom 2 as well-Janelle obviously and I am NOT a fan of Kailyn. Leah is pretty good though. And I agree re: starting fights with Ryan in front of Bentley-not cool, and not smart. I feel bad for the little guy. However, she generally is able to keep her cool and not scream and yell and name call, unlike Ryan who regularly curses at her and calls her a fucking bitch in front of their son. Lastly, I think I like Maci the most because she seems the most normal. Her parents aren’t freaks like Farrah’s and Catelynn’s and she seems to have grown up in a fairly healthy atmosphere, from what we’ve seen. I can’t put my finger on exactly why I like her, but I guess she is the easiest to empathize with-and the fact that Bentley is damn cute makes it easier!
Dana A. Said,
Rachel: I know! I don’t like Maci’s mom either! She IS always saying stuff like, “Well you shouldn’t have had his baby” Hellooo, don’t you love Bint-Lee??? Even if she did say that, at least be like “But then Bint-Lee wouldn’t be in our lives today” ya know?!
Julezy Said,
Did anyone else think to themselves that when Gary was talking to his BFF “when did Gary get Down Syndrome?” ???? OR was it just me?

After reading everyone’s comments about Cate and Tyler, I’m feeling very validated now that it’s obvious Tyler is gonna move on soon. I’ve been noticing the vacant expression in his eyes when Cate talks about stuff this entire season. She adores him. He’s over it.

Sucks that his dad is married to her mom. He won’t ever be able to escape her… or bring his new girlfriend home for Christmas. Cate would go insane and eat the couch and then end up on the Biggest Loser.

I’m on the fence about the gay thing. I could see him cleanin’ up and being more of a Metro than a Gay.
R Said,
Farrah actually ends up leaving Sophia in Iowa with Debra. It’s in the news.
donna Said,
no,the tabloids made that up about farrah.sophia is in florida and always was.
teenmomager Said,
Who would ever think maci is a good mother?? The bitch bad mouths her baby daddy all the time. Doesn’t take bentlys pasi, even thought he’s waaaay too old, and its already messed up his jaw. She dumps him on Kyle when she decides to go to class. Has no desire to finish school because she probably is dumb enough to think the mtv money is going to just keep coming. And whoever told her its her choice to give Ryan visitation?? He’s the father ! Shes a brat that got some cash, new tits, and cheap synthetic hair and now thinks she’s a celebrity?! I hope bently see this when he’s older and they’re in a trailer cause maci blew through the money and has no education.
Dani Said,
I thought the show was never going to end last night.

Amber – I wanted to pluck those lashes off her eyelids. They were so distracting. Loved the way Leah’s germs got spread all over the place. Then Amber’s Mom brings meatloaf and Amber sticks it in the microwave. Yeah, let’s just add a little food poisoning to the strep throat.

Farrah should run with Sophia to Fla. If she leaves her with Debra, she may never get her back. Besides I am tired of Farrah being an entitled little brat. Let her know what millions of single mothers go through on a daily basis. Maybe she will get some perspective. One can dream.

Tyler is so over Catelyn. It is getting painful to watch. These two need to break-up. And I swear to God, Catelyn had full blown braces back on again. Those did not look like retainers. She has way too much stuff going on, on that head of hers with the facial piercings to boot. It always looks like a zit that needs popped.

Maci needs to stop trying to micro-manage everyone. I think she just looks to create drama. People like that just wear me out.
Meg Said,
Did anyone notice how Kie kept rubbing his eyes at dinner with Maci? Why do the men in her life have these “tics” when she is around?
HeyDay Said,
When the train went screeching by the bed & breakfast, I was waiting for Caitlyn to go all My Cousin Vinny and throw on a unitard and stomp her foot about her ticking biological clock.

Patrick, I love you. You know that. I’d let you choke me to death and have a smile on my face the whole time. Dorothy’s father is not in the Wizard of Oz. Dorothy’s an orphan, hence being forced to live her Auntie Em. I’m just saying.
YouAreTheFather Said,
Patrick – Are you going to recap the Teen Dads special that was on on Sunday?
The Other Jessica Said,
The Teen Dads special was horrifyingly pointless. Tell me, what’s one NEW thing you learned about any of them? Even one of them was like, “Dude, that footage is over a year old.”
Jules Said,
I agree, the Teen Dad Special was pointless- yet entertaining, as always! I love how Dr Drew told Ryan and Jo they are good looking guys and asked if they’re “hooking up” with girls. Haha…I seriously think he’s in love with Ryan.
You should re-cap this special…id love to hear your take!
donna Said,
dr drew so wants ryan and maci together.i was waiting for him to say well give you a motel room and condoms…and maci.
Wednesdaystreat Said,
Where are ya, Patrick?? I was hoping for a recap of Teen Dad, which I agree was pointless, but man! Did you catch that body language between Ryan and Gary? It was like Ryan was afraid of catching something from Gar!

Also, I KNOW what one of the still shot pics from the finale will be–BUTCH WITH THE FLOWER IN HIS HAIR!
Gary's Huge Belly Said,
GREAT RECAP as always! The picture of Amber on Gary’s phone is priceless.

Thank god you are recuperated…..I need these laughs like Theresa G. needs a lesson in grammar.