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Real Housewives of New Jersey: Let’s Be Grateful that Milania Isn’t Turning 12 or Gia’s Song Could Still Be Going On
I’m not sure what happened to this train-wreck, but it’s certainly not the same show I remember and loved where tables were flipped and everyone was afraid that Danielle Staub was going to kidnap their kids and enter them into a life of prostitution (whore). This season is filled with Kat’s desserts and Caroline’s kids. I can’t think of anything worse. Therefore let’s talk about the only 2 things worth discussing from last nights crapisode which is, of course, Milania getting ready her for 5th birthday party and two beautiful songs from Gia (z-snap).
Milania, oh Milania. What a real treat she is on her 5th birthday. She’s like a truck driver in heat and I wouldn’t want her any other way. Tre-bagger is busy trying to comb her Tasmanian Devil hair and Milania wants no part of it. This includes ripping the comb out of Tre’s hand and throwing it on the bed followed by your standard tantrum over her not wanting to wear the Punky Brewster outfit that Tre is making her wear for her birthday party. She, instead, wants to wear some pink puffy Little Bo Peep dress that she’s already worn once and she wants to wear it now. I firmly believe she wants to wear the Little Bo Peep dress because she wants to go out into the meadow and slaughter dozens of sheep with her bare hands. By the way, if you ever wondered what Sam Kinison looked like with a tan and in a dress, well, wonder no more. RHONJ makes all of our dreams come true week after week.
After Milania throws a fit over the dress I was figuring we’d have to add her picture to the back of a milk carton because she went missing in the Guidice mansion. Which room could she be in? There’s not enough time to check all the rooms so just cut your losses and know that you have about 16 other daughters to choose from elsewhere in the house. Alas, Tre did end up finding Milania who was half-under the desk which I assumed was an unsuccessful suicide attempt. With her legs sticking out from under the desk she looked like the witch from the Wizard of Oz but, you know, meaner and scarier. I jest. Me gusta Milania (which, by the way should definitely be the name of her spinoff show…think about it, Bravo).
I’m also not sure how these kids learn anything because Teresa can barely get a grasp on the English language herself. At one point she calls Milania’s crown her “cray-own” and then later she says that Milania looks like a princess and says, and I quote,”You look like a princess. Princess Milania at your servant.” I’m sorry, what? Can your next book be a dictionary? And, since the Guidice’s are “sans money” they’re having Milania’s 5th birthday at Barney’s pizza place. To make things worse the camera man just keeps getting close-up shots on a stack of paper plates that have a huge $0.99 sticker on the front of it. The scandal! Gia got the pink limo from hell on her birthday, but for my favorite’s birthday she’s basically forced to walk through the streets of New Jersey until she gets to the pizza place and has to have a slice and stare at the balloons that were probably left over from the “grand opening.” Poor kid. Literally.
After trusting Milania with a mini roller and making her own pizza, which I believe she made with human blood and blond weave from some b*tch she fought in the parking lot, it’s time for Gia (z-snap) to sing her two songs that she wrote for this special occasion. I’m actually already suffering from secondhand embarrassment as I type this. Gulp. How old is Gia? I’m concerned because I can’t figure out if she’s young enough that these “songs” are supposed to be “cute” or if she’s old enough that she thinks these songs will land her a record deal a la Kim Zolciak. Maybe her first song will be “Money Can’t Buy the Guidice’s Mortgage Payments, I’m Serious We Need Help, Please Send Money” but with, you know, like a catchy dance beat to it. Until then, we’re left with her first song which I believe is titled “Milania.” Fitting. First off, Gia is singing it like she’s belting out a rendition of the Star Spangled Banner at the Superbowl. I, myself, want to open up my apartment window and jump the F out and take my chances at night on the mean streets of NYC. The song, says things like, “Milania, Milania, I remember when you were first born. First you were one, then you were two, then you were three, then you were four, now you are five…” Dear Jesus Claus, help us all. The terrorists have officially won. Then she’s Mariah Carey’ing her way through some deep lyrics about Milania doing gymnastics and resting her toes. At one point, Caroline just has to turn her head because she’s laughing. Please, if Lauren was singing a song she wrote to Vito whilst they made “Mozzarel” in the kitchen, Caroline would be tearing up and designing them bracelets to wear. However, I agree with Caroline and start to laugh myself. Then I cry because my life has come to this on a Sunday night.
I’m proud of Milania for not knifing Gia during the first song. However, things take a..uh…serious turn during the second song. I first thought it was called “Ugly Cry” because that’s what happened after she belted out the first note. Then I realized the song was this cry for help about her mom and “Zio Joe” and their made-for-tv situation. I was wondering how Gia was going to find words to rhyme with “Doozer” but then began to understand that this song would have no rhyming words at all. In fact, it oddly sounds like this other sing I recently heard called “Milania.’ You may be familiar with it already. Seriously, this song is terribly sad and, well, terrible all at the same time. Something about putting on makeup and going to school and worrying about her family. I just wish she got to the second verse which, most likely, would have dealt with other heart wrenching topics like Chapter 11 and that one time her dad drunkenly did a flip in the hallway and broke half his front tooth. It could have been called, “Money for Daddy’s New Tooth.” I’d donate.
Seriously, everyone looked like a deer in headlights during the song. I mean, Kat normally looks like that anyway but you could tell she was also effected by this “song.” Everyone tells Gia what a great job she did and what a wonderful singer she is, which is only going to add fuel to the fire and one day force Teresa to turn into the Kris Jenner of New Jersey. I actually think it’s depressing that a little girl is writing about how her family is a bunch of a-holes and putting it to music. I can’t wait to buy it on iTunes. Hopefully Gia can pave the way for Milania to record a hardcore gangsta rap album that will, God willing, be available for download by Christmas.
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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giacomo Said,
You had my (puffy pink tulle) skirt over my head with the title.
Bravo should’ve called this one, ‘And A Little Child Shall Embarrass and Lead Them’. If only Milania had thrown her pizza cake during Gia’s second number…
PS As I type this, Doozer and Gregg are reaching an agreement. It won’t involve females. -
IBBB Rocks! Said,
I can’t believe you didn’t snark on Barney and his 5k race fuel of wine and dried sausage.
He needs a fuel belt or camelbak so he can haul that shit around proper during a race.
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Stacey C Said,
Awesome as always!!! Is it me or does Barney look like he’s ALWAYS got a gut full of wine and sausages?? Knew you would have a ball with the Milania and Gia (z-snap) show …and where the hell was Gabriella (aka the milkmans kid) They showed one clip of her frightened face and that was it.
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QueenofCorona Said,
I’m 5′2″ and I don’t think even in his wifes hooker stilletos that little Joe (Melissa’s) would clear my nipple. Is it wrong that when I see little people like him, I want to try to pick them up and carry them like a baby?
It seems like that gay guy isn’t really gay but plays up the flamboyant part as his way to be…..cool? Seems really phony and overplayed.
Big eyes and her family are starting to grow on me. Her husband seems like a smart ass and I like it.
I’ve only managed to remember Albie’s name from anyone on the show. Ah, Albie.
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IBBB Rocks! Said,
QueenofCorona, if they ever brought back midget tossing to bars Doozer would be a great contestant!
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Lauren Said,
You never disappoint. I must say, the first half hour was ripe with material though. I’m pretty sure both Joe’s are hot for each other and just don’t know how to say it. I felt like a jerk for literally laughing out loud at Gia’s song but I knew you were somewhere laughing with me! And Milania needs a spinoff ASAP. I could seriously watch her antics for an hour. I mean, if I knew her in real life I’d kill her but from a safe distance, love, love, love her!
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Lauren Said,
Joes* I’m getting dumber by the day here in Jersey.
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dacabsarehere Said,
Here I thought the first song was going to be a cry for help. Miliania, please stop trying to kill me in my sleep. Milania, please stop punching me in the face. Milania you scare the shit out of meee … ooooo Milania! Yeah, hers didn’t rhyme and neither did mine.
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giacomo Said,
Each week should be a song-themed crapisode.
“Joe, Joe, smokin’ hot Joe. You are 1 inch, you are 2 inches, you are 3 inches…” – Gregg. -
QueenofCorona Said,
dacabsarehere, you are the lyrical gangsta
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Penelope Said,
Milania is the only reason to watch this mess. The hilarious irony is, she’s just like Danielle Staub, only pint-sized and about a gazillion times more fierce. Yes, Bravo…listen to Patrick. “Me Gusta Milania” needs to be on your fall schedule, like, now.
And again, there needs to be a Bravo/TLC crossover on Me Gusta Melania, with Extra Special Guest Star Mackenzie. In an episode called, “We’ll Cut A Bitch,” Melania and Mackenzie are turned loose on a shopping mall where Eden Wood is performing that godawful “Cutie Patootie” song (meaning, slurring her words like a young Anna Nicole in training). Mayhem ensues.
Oh, and I almost forgot…I hate Caroline Manzo in the same way you hate accidentally getting Zesty Italian dressing in one of your paper cuts.
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Bell Said,
What??? No mention of Teresa’s shasta’s in the beginning of the CRAPisode? I hoped that screenshot of Tre’s butt on Barney’s face would grace my IBBB this morning.
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L Said,
Instead of putting away money for college or beauty school for Gia they had better start saving for the MASSIVE therapy bills they are going to get once the kid hits junior school
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That's what she Said,
I shrieked in horror when Tre pulled the covers off of Joe and we were forced to see him in his “undaweahs.” PUKE. And if my husband filled up a bag of sausage for a 5K, I would smack him in the face with it.
I am NOT kidding when I say that I think my four year old has a higher IQ than Tre. She is bricks.
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Leslie Said,
Oh God, this episode was just another bid for a Gia recording contract.
Why not? Kim Zolciak, Danielle Staub, Melissa Gorga, LuAnn de Lessups, Simon van Kampen, Michele Salahi, Gretchen Rossi to name a few.
This is where that crap episode was going, had nothing to do wit the supposed feud. Teresa has been pushing Gia’s “talent” from the beginning of this franchise and last night was the jumping off spot.
Trust me. This was all about Gia as the next Dakota Fanning from NJ. Remember the voice lessons where she was being taught to say “coffee” and the reading for a movie role she never got?
This was it.
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Cumin Ingrediences Said,
I’m saying it here for the first time but, I’ve said it before. They need a Milania-cam to follow that little Italian Spazolla around. That alone would wipe out all of the rest of this craptastic season!
MWA-Milania With Attitude drops December 2011!
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Lisa D Said,
When they showed the shot of Milania’s legs hanging out from underneath the desk (ala Wicked Witch) I busted out laughing knowing you’d post a screen shot of it. So glad you did!
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Mmmmmmmmmmmurdith Said,
I was hoping you were going to make fun of Gregg’s crush on Doozer. Or the way Teresa ran down the street. But you did a great job on covering the “song”. Godfreakinawful.
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YouAreTheFather Said,
“Mi-LA-ni-A, Mi-LA-ni-A. You have such muscular legs when you do gymnastics!”
I truly wonder why Gia never landed that movie with The Rock when she has such talent.
No screenshot of Juicy in the size XXS wife beater slicing his sausage? Unfortunately, this image is permanently ingrained in my mind.
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kerry Said,
“I know when I’m beat. We didn’t finish but I think we’re winners.” I wanted to tell her shut up Caroline, not everything needs to have a motivational message.
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MilaniaForPresident Said,
Anyone know what ingrediences are used in a pizza cake?
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SimplySarah Said,
I laughed when Gia finished the second song and everyone awkwardly applauded. It’s like you don’t want to not applaud when a kid sings a song, but you’re applauding this depressing cry for therapy at the same time.
I also liked when Barney said Doozer was short. I saw Barney in person once and he is tiny (and I’m 5′4″) so I can’t imagine how short Doozer is.
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kasey Said,
Gia actually putting Milania’s muscular gymnastics legs to music made me forget for a split second that this used to be an entertaining show a la prostitution whores. I was dying.
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DebbieS. Said,
Bravo needs to start following Milania around with a camera 24/7. It won’t be so much a reality show as a documentary entitled Milania: Mob Boss. She’ll have a glass of scotch in one hand, an unfiltered cigarette in another, and anybody who pronounces her last name as Jew-DICE will get a smack-down…”it’s JEW_DEEE_CHEEEEE, you old troll”. Her first felony will be a contract on Ashley, on behalf of all irritated Bravo viewers.
Am I the only one who thinks this season is great? Moment after moment of so-bad-it’s-good awesomeness. But I don’t really have a life, so that could explain it. -
giacomo Said,
Amen, Kerry, re Caroline’s bullshit. Taking Oprah crap to new levels – “We didn’t win, we really didn’t even try to run, but we’re winners.”
No. You’re not even runners. -
QueenofCorona Said,
The fuck happened growing up where Teresa and Joe constantly talk about their spouses genitalia and how much ass they supposedly get? They sound like rapists, not the nympho glam they’re aiming for.
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I heart NJ Said,
After watching 9-11 tributes all day I tuned into RHNJ, the Kardashians and Bridzillas. I realized why other countries hate us.
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DebbieS. Said,
QueenofCorona, you rule. “Nympho glam”? I almost choked on my Coca-Cola.
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heather Said,
As if milania wasnt a handful now, her teenage years are gonna be brutal! Bravo: slap a tv contract on that little girl, stat!
And i also loveeeed the manzo brothers/rando gay friend playing the ” italian title” game. Kinda reminded me of jersey shores “…shes too young for you, bro” game. New Joisy only produces the finest!
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Scooby Said,
I heart NJ: Best. Comment. Ever.
IBBB: Perfect recap as always, Milania’s little monkey face is my absolute fave! Has anyone else noticed that you never see the other 2 Giudice girls, only the two who look like spitting images of Teresa? I wonder if I’m onto something here.
Slightly disappointed that there was no screenshot of Barney’s boxer brief-bedecked fat ass lounging in bed as Teresa threatens to “put her butthole in his face”. Also would have loved a reference to the Manzo boys dead eyes as they were forced to listen to “on display on display on display, each and every day, every day, every day.”
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Cheryl Said,
Does anyone else think of the Wicked WItch of the East when we saw Milania’s legs poking out from under the desk?
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Heynow221 Said,
this episode was WONDERFUL!! I can’t even delete it off my dvr yet. I continuously luxuriate in each horrendous moment, especially during Gia’s songs; I legit had a moment where i couldn’t breath i was laughing so hard. i hate that ‘embarrassed for others’ feeling, especially when it concerns a 9 year old. rewind/replay.
@Cheryl, everyone thought Wizard of Oz. i’m so happy melania did that. she’s so clever.
@Kerrry, YES! Why the F does caroline manzo always have to sound so philosophical and wannabe-wise. seriously, i dont think she ever makes a comment in those one-on-one confessionals that doesn’t have a “lesson” inflection to it. STFU, bro!! although i do like that the manzo boys are constantly making fun of their mom, but she laughs right along with them. the homeless comment was mint.
@queenofcorona, i think big eyes and family are really awesome. their kids are super sweet, polite and respectful, and hubby is actually quite entertaining. and might i say… slightly attractive, perhaps… -
fan Said,
love the comments. Even if I miss the episode- I look forward to the recap and the witty viewer’s comments.
Milania- please keep the show on just so we can see what happens to that serial killer in the making.
Caroline- tired of your superiority and your advice. You are not perfect. Look at your children. You lose the weight and are practically rubbing it in your daughter’s face. That girl is sooo unhappy. Maybe she sees the adoration in your eyes everytime you look at your sons and the disapointment when you look at her. Get her some therapy! what have your sons done? one is an immature jokester and the other is afraid to date. So stop thinking you and your family have all the answers!!! -
Kenneth Said,
Much appreciated for the information and share!
