Farrah – Per usual we’re kicking things off with Farrah because her dirt bag attitude is this shows unsung hero. Miss Gulch is in rear form during this crapisode but before we get to that it’s time to play “Where in the World Is Our Glow Worm Going?” (sung to the tune of the Carmen San Diego theme song). After Farrah’s trip to LA was a complete bust (shout out to her new store-bought rack) it’s time to visit sunny Arizona! To no ones surprise, Debra and Michael aren’t going to make this easy for Farrah and they’re certainly not going to make it easy for her doll bangs. All this is taking place whilst “the family” is decorating a gingerbread house for Christmas and Michael is taking pictures of them with his disposable camera. One more time. With this disposable camera. You mean to tell me that they live in a gated house but can’t splurge on a camera that isn’t passed out at white trash weddings for free? Our favorite Who, Debra, is worried that if Farrah lives in Arizona, who’s going to take care of her baby Goo? Please, good riddance. Debra is also concerned about problems in Arizona like “immigration controversy” and “bad gangs and crime.” First off, you can tell Farrah has no clue what “controversy” Debra is talking about in regards to immigration because she fights her back by saying, “well they’ve really cracked down on it lately.” Um, ok. Our little glow worm needs to stick to just glittering, glittering. Besides, how awesome would joining a gang be? I mean, we’re practically witnessing one right now. Farrah’s gang, “UGBB” (Ugly Crying B*tch Bags) would have a trademark gang symbol which would be making a scissors motion across your forehead as if you cut your own bangs. And, Debra’s gang would be called, “Steal Claw” and they would smuggle bags of coke in their blazer shoulder pads. I’d join either.
The rest of the episode basically consists of Farrah yelling at Debra and Michael on the regular. After they drop her dumb dog off at some crack-heads house filled with puppetry and zinc pink lipstick, they head off to the airport and Farrah gets pissed that Debra is trying to check in Baby Goo when Farrah already did. Please, put her in one of those dog cages and lets get this show on the road. Debra is spending a little too long at the check-in counter basically filling out an online dating profile with the worker because we learn things like she’s claustrophobic and must sit in the middle seat. Clearly someone loves to be the meat in a blah sandwich at 30,000 feet. I envision Michael and Farrah resting their head on each of Debra’s shoulder pads. Hot damn I love that woman. More importantly Michael is sporting an army green jacket that says Key West on the back. Ooo la la, that must be imported directly from the runways of Milan! Also, weren’t these two supposed to get divorced two seasons ago? Apparently Michael, like Gary, loves to take a beating. That poor bastard. He is beaten down in every sense of the word. Oh, and he kinda looks like the douche who runs TMZ.
Later the car ride from hell takes place when Debra basically kidnaps Farrah and Michael and makes them tour million dollar homes in Arizona. She then takes the time to complain that she’d rather be hiking than taking Farrah house hunting. More like she’d rather kill Farrah during the hike and ditch her worm-like body in the woods. Michael would, of course, purposely get lost somewhere on the trail and pray for a 127 hours moment where maybe his dinky is trapped in Debra’s claw for the full 127 hours. Debra, of course, would gnaw it off so that he could be freed…as she has done metaphorically over the past 20 years of marriage. Regardless, Farrah is a miserable B the whole time. Her half-a-bowl-cut must be too tight because she’s ready to throw down. My money is on Debra. Always.
Once it’s finally Farrah’s turn to see houses she can actually afford Debra basically drives her to the ghetto and is like, “These are gang areas! This is where you get your car stripped and shot at.” Really? Something tells me Farrah is safer out there than she is inside Debra’s house when she’s on a butcher knife stabbing spree. They end up taking the tour of some house, without a realtor (basically breaking and entering) and they both hate it. They make it seem like it’s the trashiest house ever created, but you totally know Butch and April would think it was a Beverly Hills mansion. Snobs. My favorite part was when Debra said how bad the backyard is and Farrah looks out and just says, “Well I don’t really like grass anyway.” Douche. Who doesn’t like grass? Worst. Child. Ever.
In the end, the gang heads out for a nice dinner and within seconds Michael is ordering a Prickly Pear Margarita. He looks pissed. Actually he looks like he’d rather take a giant cactus up his pooper than have to sit across from Farrah. The entire time she is a giant douche bolsa and basically yells at them the entire time. No matter what they say she has a flip answer. For example:
Michael: Did you like the some of those town houses, Farrah?
Farrah: Of course I like the town houses, Michael. Why wouldn’t I?
Michael: Do you know what you’re going to order?
Farrah: Yes, Michael. I know what to order because I’ve been to a restaurant before.
Michael: Is it too late for an abortion?
Farrah: No, I love Sophia.
Michael: I was talking to your mother.
Fine, I made those last two parts up, but you catch by drift. And I’m wafting. I am wafting. Anyawkwardconversation, Michael keeps telling Farrah to stop putting them down (I felt bad) and then the waitress interrupts them and looks like she’d rather dirt-nap herself than have to serve them. Awkward! He immediately orders another Margarita and I yelled at my TV, “Just go for shots!” Debra, is not amused at Farrah’s behavior and tells her that she “needs help” and then walks away from the table saying “I’m done” like she’s an elderly Audrina fighting with Justin Bobby. She should have been like, “B*tch I’m gonna pin you down right here in this restaurant and I’m going to wear my reflective vest that the court ordered me to wear when I had to pick up trash on the side of the road for community service because I want everybody in this restaurant to see me beating the bag out of you. Also, I’m into safety.” Now that would have been much better. However, in in the end they all decide to get counseling together because they are the worst family in America. Glitter, glitter.
Amber – Ambuuuuh! It’s still Christmas for “the poors” so that can only mean one thing and that is, of course, that it’s time to blow up a creepy Santa that comes busting out of a Christmas tree very very slowly. Kinda like the way that Gary slowly busts out of pants or condoms, had he worn them. Condoms, I mean. Pants, thank Christ. Amber’s (puke) boyfriend is still in the picture and has his hair slicked up within an inch of its life. It’s basically a Reverse Squiggy, for those of you playing a long at home. As a side note, that Santa popping up is freaking me out. It’s technically seeing Amber more times per day than Leah is. Hey-oh! Thank you folks, thank you. I’m actually glad that Amber (Ambuuuh!) found someone who likes to sit slouched on the couch as much as her, but eats less than Gar Bear. Oh that poor son-of-a-b*tch, I should leave him alone. Sometimes love hurts.
Later there’s a knock on the door and I assumed it was CPS coming to look for Leah and make sure she wasn’t being kicked down a flight of stairs and still had both her arms and at least one of her legs, but it was flower delivery with 5 dozen roses. Amber hadn’t picked up something so heavy since she had to move Gary’s stomach to get to his dinker-doo. Oh, that poor son-of-a-b*tch, I should leave him alone. Anylovehandlesfromhell, Gar calls up Amber to see if she got the flowers. That dumb F outed himself because the card said “From Your Secret Admirer.” It should have then said, “…George Glass” but it didn’t. Instead it said “Wink Wink.” And I puked puked. Gary just kept saying “5 dozen roses” and all I could think of was “5 dozen donuts” but, let’s face it, only 2 dozen would have made it to Amber’s and Gary would have been passed out on the floor of the ski chalet with powered all over this face and Leah would have been yelling “Frosty!” at him until he came to. Clinton and Gary get into a little scuffle over the phone because Gary says that Clinton could never afford flowers like that and Clinton grabs the phone away from Amber’s Anna Nicole nails to tell Gary he’s going to kick his ass. Really? That’s like bragging you can drop a penny into a pool. Shoot for a smaller target, Squiggy. Also, I don’t want to see kids sitting on a potty anymore. It’s gross.
I have to admit I love how Gary and his life partner are both decorating the Christmas tree together. It’s like a Norman Rockwell painting, if Norman Rockwell painted in a rusty dumpster and used food stamps to by bird food at the local Walgreens. Watching these two in action is like seeing what would happen to Ernie and Bert if they let themselves go. Most importantly, Gary is legit twice the size of the tree. You know it’s time to diet when your daughter tries to string lights on you. Have you called Jenny yet? I would love it.
Things take a Amber somber moment when Amber busts out with the fact that today would have been her sister Candace’s birthdaynbut she died from SIDS when she was just a baby. In the voiceover, Amber made sure to place more emphasis on the word “Death” just so we’d feel a little extra bad for her. To be honest, it sounded like she said “Deaf” but why kick this b*tch whilst she’s down? Also, if you think I’m going to make SIDS jokes you have another thing coming. SIDS gives me the SADS especially when it happens to the FATS. I mean, I don’t want to say that should be be their new slogan, but I’ll sell it to ya for a decent price. Also, anyone notice that Gary has traded in that one white AERO t-shirt for a black Affliction t-shirt? Please, he wishes he was at Guido status. Instead of GTL he just ESS (Eat, Sleep, Sit). Yeeeeeah buddy!
Since Amber is having a hard time with the death of her sister she calls her cousin Krystle Meth (who I actually think is Amber’s sister Candace who just faked her own death to get the hell out of that house) to come over so that they could safely drive around in a snow storm. After putting on a few tears for the car cam, Amber calls up Gary and he spills the beans that he, Leah, and his new life partner are already decorating the Christmas tree. Amber is pissed because she wanted to be there so that Leah could see them being a family and do it together. Uh, Amber? Yeah, Leah isn’t fully aware that you’re her mom. I mean at one point I think she called the camera man “Ammmbuuuh!” But who am I to judge? I’m not Judy. In the end, Gary invites Amber to come over and finish decorating the tree. He says that Leah wants her to come over so she can put candy canes on it. Yeah, like there are any of those left? Like Gary didn’t melt down the entire box of 24 candy canes and chug them down? Bologna. But, alas, Amber accepts his invitation and she heads over to help Leah put some tacky-ass bulbs on the tree. Leah’s hand looked shaky like she wanted to smash a bulb and use the broken glass to slash her own throat but Leah will first have to learn that plastic ornament don’t shatter. Her best bet is to try and burn down the ski chalet. There’s enough wood paneling in that b*tch that the place would be down to rubble by the time Gary’s muffins come out of the oven (and over his shorts).
Catelynn – It’s moving day for the evicted (I have no idea) and Catelynn and Tyler are packing up all their Bob’s Furniture and moving it into their new place that they say is a house, but has the back that really kinda looks like a trailer. If the park fits, wear it! I’m not sure what that means, but if you dig deep enough you’ll connect the dots and probably even cross the T’s. Their new house, thankfully, has wood paneling in every room in and each room is painted a different color. That’s a trick “the poors” try to do with wood paneling so that it looks like normal walls, but you and I both know what’s behind that horrible green and terrible yellow that is shellacked in each room.
Suddenly (I say that so it sounds like it’s dramatic and full of suspense), Catelynn gets a call from her dad, Dave, who is going to be in town from Florida for a job interview and test. He even invites himself to stay at Catelynn and Tyler’s new house. Uh, what kind of test does he have to take? If he’s going to be a greeter at Walmart I’m pretty sure he just as to smile. Eh, maybe the test is to make sure you have 1/4th of your top row teeth? I have no idea, I don’t test well. Anyway, this is the first time in 4 years that he’s going to see his daughter. What a coincidence! First Catelynn gets a TV show and starts making bank (for people of their status) and next thing you know “Daddy” is excited to see his daughter…for the first time in 4 years. I, for one, am anxious to see exactly who April was bumping her greeter with 17 years earlier. The forehead, I’m sure, will speak for itself.
Later Cate and Ty (I call them that to my TV) have their friends come over to see their new house. Gulp. They all…look nice. You can tell their parents couldn’t give two sh*ts about them, but they seem nice. I mean, one dude is named Maryland. I’ll repeat. His name is Maryland. Something tells me that whilst in the hospital his parents confused “name” and “state” on the birth certificate and then had no clue how to get to the City Hall to have it changed and, well, even if they did know how to get there I’m sure they had their license revoked and couldn’t get there anyway so they just said “screw it” and kept the name Maryland and figured it would be easier to one day just move to the state of Joe.
Catelynn and Tyler pick up “daddy” at what I can only assume is a convenience store and not the airport. I hope his interview went well and that he passed the “Keno” test. He looks nothing like Catelynn, like, at all. Not even a little. You are NOT the father, as my hero Maury Povich would shout. Clearly the “family forehead” can be traced back to April’s side. Something tells me if we traced their roots back on Ancestry.com we’d learn that April’s great-great-great-great-great grandmother was a pioneer in the “bangs” movement of 1789. Also, I can’t decide if the dad is a Level II or a Level III. Which is the level where you don’t have to introduce yourself to the neighbors. Eh, I’ll just see what my paperwork says. Hey-oh! I just zinged myself!
After some awkward conversations back at the multicolored house, they decide to take daddy out for a “nice steak dinner” at the kind of “nice steak place” that allows you to wear a t-shirt and jeans. “Leave Your Fancy-Pants at Home Because, Here, the Meat Doesn’t Fall Off the Bone.” I imagine that to be their slogan and if it isn’t, well, it should be. Tyler and Catelynn kinda throw it in his face that he wasn’t there for the birth of iCarly or for their big engagement. At one point Tyler says that he tried to call him to ask for permission to marry Catelynn, but never heard back from him so assumed he had the wrong number. Um, I think the problem was that he didn’t have a TV show yet. There’s a difference.
In the end, the trip with daddy and his oddly small v-neck t-shirts has come to an end and he has to go back to probably the trashiest part of Florida. Take your pick. I would have loved to see daddy and April interact and, dare I say, even flirt with each other? Hot. Also, something tells me that after Brandon and Teresa saw this episode with daddy they’ll be making sure everyone, including iCarly, has an updated passport. To Spain we go! Ole!
Maci – Ugh. This chick again. Red Bricks, as I like to call her. I just made that up, but I might stick with it. Eh, I’m already over it…and her. For reasons that are not known to me, Maci, Kyle, and Bint-Lee are all dressed up like the cast from Toy Story. I’m sure Pixar will be less than pleased with this. Maci is dressed like Woody, if Woody was a slut who had unprotected sex and got herself in trouble at 16. I’m not sure who Kyle is technically dressed as because I am unaware of any albino snowman characters in Toy Story, but then again I didn’t see the 3rd one so who knows?
We learn that Ryan sent a text to Maci letting her know that his “work” is looking for another employee and so Kyle should come down and fill out an application. It’s a trap. I bet this is like To Catch a Predator. As soon as Kyle walks in Chris Hansen is going to ask him to take seat and if he’d like a lemonade. Then he’ll grill him on why he a little boys Toy Story costume and a 6-pack of Zima in his trunk. That’s how it always goes.
Per usual all of Maci’s scenes suck. She’s contemplating if she should go back to school next semester. Yawn. Who cares? Don’t go. Go. I don’t give two Bint-Lee sized Shasta McNasty’s. The only part of this that made me kind of laugh (but more like doing that funny breath through your nose thing when it’s only a little funny) was when Maci’s mom said that she didn’t accept Ryan’s “friend request” on Facebook, but Kyle did. Brilliant. It was also a little funny when she once again stated why it’s a bad idea to have children so young. Bite your tongue, lady, because if people weren’t having kids so young I’d be stuck only writing about TV shows based on New Jersey, which, isn’t the worst thing but I like a nice variety.
Boring and yawn. In the end Maci calls her adviser to see if she should come back to school and he basically tells her that she’s lazy white trash if she doesn’t come back. He says that she is very capable. I agree. I think Maci is so capable that she’s actually handicapable. The F’n End.
Episode Rating: 4 of Debra’s Trash Claws
Special “shout out” as “the kids” say to the folks over at BabyCenter, CafeMom, and TheKnot who always seem to pass around this blog like it’s wildfire. I’m not sure why people want to pass around wildfire, but I’ll take it. Thanks, as always, for the support. Do more.