Teen Mom Recap: The One Where Farrah Wants to Join an Immigration Gang in Arizona

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Farrah – Per usual we’re kicking things off with Farrah because her dirt bag attitude is this shows unsung hero.  Miss Gulch is in rear form during this crapisode but before we get to that it’s time to play “Where in the World Is Our Glow Worm Going?” (sung to the tune of the Carmen San Diego theme song).  After Farrah’s trip to LA was a complete bust (shout out to her new store-bought rack) it’s time to visit sunny Arizona!  To no ones surprise, Debra and Michael aren’t going to make this easy for Farrah and they’re certainly not going to make it easy for her doll bangs.  All this is taking place whilst “the family” is decorating a gingerbread house for Christmas and Michael is taking pictures of them with his disposable camera.  One more time.  With this disposable camera.  You mean to tell me that they live in a gated house but can’t splurge on a camera that isn’t passed out at white trash weddings for free?  Our favorite Who, Debra, is worried that if Farrah lives in Arizona, who’s going to take care of her baby Goo?  Please, good riddance.  Debra is also concerned about problems in Arizona like “immigration controversy” and “bad gangs and crime.”  First off, you can tell Farrah has no clue what “controversy” Debra is talking about in regards to immigration because she fights her back by saying, “well they’ve really cracked down on it lately.”  Um, ok.  Our little glow worm needs to stick to just glittering, glittering.  Besides, how awesome would joining a gang be?  I mean, we’re practically witnessing one right now.  Farrah’s gang, “UGBB” (Ugly Crying B*tch Bags) would have a trademark gang symbol which would be making a scissors motion across your forehead as if you cut your own bangs.  And, Debra’s gang would be called, “Steal Claw” and they would smuggle bags of coke in their blazer shoulder pads.  I’d join either.

The rest of the episode basically consists of Farrah yelling at Debra and Michael on the regular.  After they drop her dumb dog off at some crack-heads house filled with puppetry and zinc pink lipstick, they head off to the airport and Farrah gets pissed that Debra is trying to check in Baby Goo when Farrah already did.  Please, put her in one of those dog cages and lets get this show on the road.  Debra is spending a little too long at the check-in counter basically filling out an online dating profile with the worker because we learn things like she’s claustrophobic and must sit in the middle seat.  Clearly someone loves to be the meat in a blah sandwich at 30,000 feet.  I envision Michael and Farrah resting their head on each of Debra’s shoulder pads.  Hot damn I love that woman.  More importantly Michael is sporting an army green jacket that says Key West on the back.  Ooo la la, that must be imported directly from the runways of Milan!  Also, weren’t these two supposed to get divorced two seasons ago?  Apparently Michael, like Gary, loves to take a beating.  That poor bastard.  He is beaten down in every sense of the word. Oh, and he kinda looks like the douche who runs TMZ.

Later the car ride from hell takes place when Debra basically kidnaps Farrah and Michael and makes them tour million dollar homes in Arizona.  She then takes the time to complain that she’d rather be hiking than taking Farrah house hunting.  More like she’d rather kill Farrah during the hike and ditch her worm-like body in the woods.  Michael would, of course, purposely get lost somewhere on the trail and pray for a 127 hours moment where maybe his dinky is trapped in Debra’s claw for the full 127 hours.  Debra, of course, would gnaw it off so that he could be freed…as she has done metaphorically over the past 20 years of marriage.  Regardless, Farrah is a miserable B the whole time.  Her half-a-bowl-cut must be too tight because she’s ready to throw down.   My money is on Debra.  Always.

Once it’s finally Farrah’s turn to see houses she can actually afford Debra basically drives her to the ghetto and is like, “These are gang areas!  This is where you get your car stripped and shot at.”  Really?  Something tells me Farrah is safer out there than she is inside Debra’s house when she’s on a butcher knife stabbing spree.  They end up taking the tour of some house, without a realtor (basically breaking and entering) and they both hate it.  They make it seem like it’s the trashiest house ever created, but you totally know Butch and April would think it was a Beverly Hills mansion.  Snobs.  My favorite part was when Debra said how bad the backyard is and Farrah looks out and just says, “Well I don’t really like grass anyway.”  Douche.  Who doesn’t like grass?  Worst. Child. Ever.

In the end, the gang heads out for a nice dinner and within seconds Michael is ordering a Prickly Pear Margarita.  He looks pissed.  Actually he looks like he’d rather take a giant cactus up his pooper than have to sit across from Farrah.  The entire time she is a giant douche bolsa and basically yells at them the entire time.  No matter what they say she has a flip answer.  For example:

Michael:  Did you like the some of those town houses, Farrah?

Farrah:  Of course I like the town houses, Michael.  Why wouldn’t I?

Michael:  Do you know what you’re going to order?

Farrah:  Yes, Michael.  I know what to order because I’ve been to a restaurant before.

Michael:  Is it too late for an abortion?

Farrah:  No, I love Sophia.

Michael:  I was talking to your mother.

Fine, I made those last two parts up, but you catch by drift.  And I’m wafting.  I am wafting.  Anyawkwardconversation, Michael keeps telling Farrah to stop putting them down (I felt bad) and then the waitress interrupts them and looks like she’d rather dirt-nap herself than have to serve them.  Awkward!  He immediately orders another Margarita and I yelled at my TV, “Just go for shots!”  Debra, is not amused at Farrah’s behavior and tells her that she “needs help” and then walks away from the table saying “I’m done” like she’s an elderly Audrina fighting with Justin Bobby.  She should have been like, “B*tch I’m gonna pin you down right here in this restaurant and I’m going to wear my reflective vest that the court ordered me to wear when I had to pick up trash on the side of the road for community service because I want everybody in this restaurant to see me beating the bag out of you.  Also, I’m into safety.”  Now that would have been much better.  However, in in the end they all decide to get counseling together because they are the worst family in America.  Glitter, glitter.

Amber – Ambuuuuh!  It’s still Christmas for “the poors” so that can only mean one thing and that is, of course, that it’s time to blow up a creepy Santa that comes busting out of a Christmas tree very very slowly.  Kinda like the way that Gary slowly busts out of pants or condoms, had he worn them.  Condoms, I mean.  Pants, thank Christ.  Amber’s (puke) boyfriend is still in the picture and has his hair slicked up within an inch of its life.  It’s basically a Reverse Squiggy, for those of you playing a long at home.  As a side note, that Santa popping up is freaking me out.  It’s technically seeing Amber more times per day than Leah is.  Hey-oh!  Thank you folks, thank you.  I’m actually glad that Amber (Ambuuuh!) found someone who likes to sit slouched on the couch as much as her, but eats less than Gar Bear.  Oh that poor son-of-a-b*tch, I should leave him alone.  Sometimes love hurts.

Later there’s a knock on the door and I assumed it was CPS coming to look for Leah and make sure she wasn’t being kicked down a flight of stairs and still had both her arms and at least one of her legs, but it was flower delivery with 5 dozen roses.  Amber hadn’t picked up something so heavy since she had to move Gary’s stomach to get to his dinker-doo.  Oh, that poor son-of-a-b*tch, I should leave him alone.  Anylovehandlesfromhell, Gar calls up Amber to see if she got the flowers.  That dumb F outed himself because the card said “From Your Secret Admirer.”  It should have then said, “…George Glass” but it didn’t.  Instead it said “Wink Wink.”  And I puked puked.  Gary just kept saying “5 dozen roses” and all I could think of was “5 dozen donuts” but, let’s face it, only 2 dozen would have made it to Amber’s and Gary would have been passed out on the floor of the ski chalet with powered all over this face and Leah would have been yelling “Frosty!” at him until he came to.  Clinton and Gary get into a little scuffle over the phone because Gary says that Clinton could never afford flowers like that and Clinton grabs the phone away from Amber’s Anna Nicole nails to tell Gary he’s going to kick his ass.  Really?  That’s like bragging you can drop a penny into a pool.   Shoot for a smaller target, Squiggy.  Also, I don’t want to see kids sitting on a potty anymore. It’s gross.

I have to admit I love how Gary and his life partner are both decorating the Christmas tree together.  It’s like a Norman Rockwell painting, if Norman Rockwell painted in a rusty dumpster and used food stamps to by bird food at the local Walgreens.  Watching these two in action is like seeing what would happen to Ernie and Bert if they let themselves go.  Most importantly, Gary is legit twice the size of the tree.   You know it’s time to diet when your daughter tries to string lights on you.  Have you called Jenny yet?  I would love it.

Things take a Amber somber moment when Amber busts out with the fact that today would have been her sister Candace’s birthdaynbut she died from SIDS when she was just a baby.  In the voiceover, Amber made sure to place more emphasis on the word “Death” just so we’d feel a little extra bad for her.   To be honest, it sounded like she said “Deaf” but why kick this b*tch whilst she’s down?  Also, if you think I’m going to make SIDS jokes you have another thing coming.  SIDS gives me the SADS especially when it happens to the FATS.  I mean, I don’t want to say that should be be their new slogan, but I’ll sell it to ya for a decent price.  Also, anyone notice that Gary has traded in that one white AERO t-shirt for a black Affliction t-shirt?  Please, he wishes he was at Guido status.  Instead of GTL he just ESS (Eat, Sleep, Sit).  Yeeeeeah buddy!

Since Amber is having a hard time with the death of her sister she calls her cousin Krystle Meth (who I actually think is Amber’s sister Candace who just faked her own death to get the hell out of that house) to come over so that they could safely drive around in a snow storm.  After putting on a few tears for the car cam, Amber calls up Gary and he spills the beans that he, Leah, and his new life partner are already decorating the Christmas tree.  Amber is pissed because she wanted to be there so that Leah could see them being a family and do it together.  Uh, Amber?  Yeah, Leah isn’t fully aware that you’re her mom.  I mean at one point I think she called the camera man “Ammmbuuuh!”  But who am I to judge?  I’m not Judy.  In the end, Gary invites Amber to come over and finish decorating the tree.  He says that Leah wants her to come over so she can put candy canes on it.  Yeah, like there are any of those left?  Like Gary didn’t melt down the entire box of 24 candy canes and chug them down?  Bologna.  But, alas, Amber accepts his invitation and she heads over to help Leah put some tacky-ass bulbs on the tree.  Leah’s hand looked shaky like she wanted to smash a bulb and use the broken glass to slash her own throat but Leah will first have to learn that plastic ornament don’t shatter.  Her best bet is to try and burn down the ski chalet.  There’s enough wood paneling in that b*tch that the place would be down to rubble by the time Gary’s muffins come out of the oven (and over his shorts).

Catelynn – It’s moving day for the evicted (I have no idea) and Catelynn and Tyler are packing up all their Bob’s Furniture and moving it into their new place that they say is a house, but has the back that really kinda looks like a trailer.  If the park fits, wear it!  I’m not sure what that means, but if you dig deep enough you’ll connect the dots and probably even cross the T’s.  Their new house, thankfully, has wood paneling in every room in and each room is painted a different color.  That’s a trick “the poors” try to do with wood paneling so that it looks like normal walls, but you and I both know what’s behind that horrible green and terrible yellow that is shellacked in each room.

Suddenly (I say that so it sounds like it’s dramatic and full of suspense), Catelynn gets a call from her dad, Dave, who is going to be in town from Florida for a job interview and test.  He even invites himself to stay at Catelynn and Tyler’s new house.  Uh, what kind of test does he have to take?  If he’s going to be a greeter at Walmart I’m pretty sure he just as to smile.  Eh, maybe the test is to make sure you have 1/4th of your top row teeth?   I have no idea, I don’t test well.  Anyway, this is the first time in 4 years that he’s going to see his daughter.  What a coincidence!  First Catelynn gets a TV show and starts making bank (for people of their status) and next thing you know “Daddy” is excited to see his daughter…for the first time in 4 years.  I, for one, am anxious to see exactly who April was bumping her greeter with 17 years earlier.  The forehead, I’m sure, will speak for itself.

Later Cate and Ty (I call them that to my TV) have their friends come over to see their new house.  Gulp.  They all…look nice.  You can tell their parents couldn’t give two sh*ts about them, but they seem nice.  I mean, one dude is named Maryland.  I’ll repeat.  His name is Maryland.  Something tells me that whilst in the hospital his parents confused “name” and “state” on the birth certificate and then had no clue how to get to the City Hall to have it changed and, well, even if they did know how to get there I’m sure they had their license revoked and couldn’t get there anyway so they just said “screw it” and kept the name Maryland and figured it would be easier to one day just move to the state of Joe.

Catelynn and Tyler pick up “daddy” at what I can only assume is a convenience store and not the airport.  I hope his interview went well and that he passed the “Keno” test.  He looks nothing like Catelynn, like, at all.  Not even a little.  You are NOT the father, as my hero Maury Povich would shout.  Clearly the “family forehead” can be traced back to April’s side.  Something tells me if we traced their roots back on Ancestry.com we’d learn that April’s great-great-great-great-great grandmother was a pioneer in the “bangs” movement of 1789.  Also, I can’t decide if the dad is a Level II or a Level III.  Which is the level where you don’t have to introduce yourself to the neighbors.  Eh, I’ll just see what my paperwork says. Hey-oh!  I just zinged myself!

After some awkward conversations back at the multicolored house, they decide to take daddy out for a “nice steak dinner” at the kind of “nice steak place” that allows you to wear  a t-shirt and jeans.  “Leave Your Fancy-Pants at Home Because, Here, the Meat Doesn’t Fall Off the Bone.”  I imagine that to be their slogan and if it isn’t, well, it should be.  Tyler and Catelynn kinda throw it in his face that he wasn’t there for the birth of iCarly or for their big engagement.  At one point Tyler says that he tried to call him to ask for permission to marry Catelynn, but never heard back from him so assumed he had the wrong number.  Um, I think the problem was that he didn’t have a TV show yet.  There’s a difference.

In the end, the trip with daddy and his oddly small v-neck t-shirts has come to an end and he has to go back to probably the trashiest part of Florida.  Take your pick.  I would have loved to see daddy and April interact and, dare I say, even flirt with each other?  Hot.  Also, something tells me that after Brandon and Teresa saw this episode with daddy they’ll be making sure everyone, including iCarly, has an updated passport.  To Spain we go!  Ole!

Maci – Ugh.  This chick again.  Red Bricks, as I like to call her.  I just made that up, but I might stick with it.  Eh, I’m already over it…and her.  For reasons that are not known to me, Maci, Kyle, and Bint-Lee are all dressed up like the cast from Toy Story.  I’m sure Pixar will be less than pleased with this.  Maci is dressed like Woody, if Woody was a slut who had unprotected sex and got herself in trouble at 16.  I’m not sure who Kyle is technically dressed as because I am unaware of any albino snowman characters in Toy Story, but then again I didn’t see the 3rd one so who knows?

We learn that Ryan sent a text to Maci letting her know that his “work” is looking for another employee and so Kyle should come down and fill out an application.  It’s a trap.  I bet this is like To Catch a Predator.  As soon as Kyle walks in Chris Hansen is going to ask him to take seat and if he’d like a lemonade.  Then he’ll grill him on why he a little boys Toy Story costume and a 6-pack of Zima in his trunk.  That’s how it always goes.

Per usual all of Maci’s scenes suck.  She’s contemplating if she should go back to school next semester.  Yawn.  Who cares?  Don’t go.  Go.  I don’t give two Bint-Lee sized Shasta McNasty’s.  The only part of this that made me kind of laugh (but more like doing that funny breath through your nose thing when it’s only a little funny) was when Maci’s mom said that she didn’t accept Ryan’s “friend request” on Facebook, but Kyle did.  Brilliant.  It was also a little funny when she once again stated why it’s a bad idea to have children so young.  Bite your tongue, lady, because if people weren’t having kids so young I’d be stuck only writing about TV shows based on New Jersey, which, isn’t the worst thing but I like a nice variety.

Boring and yawn.  In the end Maci calls her adviser to see if she should come back to school and he basically tells her that she’s lazy white trash if she doesn’t come back.  He says that she is very capable.  I agree.  I think Maci is so capable that she’s actually handicapable.  The F’n End.

Episode Rating:  4 of Debra’s Trash Claws

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Special “shout out” as “the kids” say to the folks over at BabyCenter, CafeMom, and TheKnot who always seem to pass around this blog like it’s wildfire.  I’m not sure why people want to pass around wildfire, but I’ll take it.  Thanks, as always, for the support.  Do more.

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Comments

  1. Like a teens period, this recap was better late than never! Thanks for your patience and by “patience” I mean the “hundreds of emails complaining.”

    Either way, join me on my Facebook page so you can be up-to-date on all recaps at:

    http://www.facebook.com/people/Patrick-Varone/1591687454

    and Tweet the piss out of this recap and follow me on Twitter @

    http://www.twitter.com/ibbb

    Spread the word and spread it often (Farrah)!

    -IBBB

  2. So worth the wait!!! These get better each week.

  3. Ha! I was was about the peel my lard ass off of my puffy leather couch and waddle into the office to send one of dem dere complaint e-mails, but then I had to pass a “Bint-lee sized Shasta McNasty” and that occupied the rest of my day.

  4. When Maci is thinking about going back to school what she is really trying to figure out is if this Teen Mom gravy train is going to carry her through Bentley’s 18th birthday and therefore no education is needed. All she cares about is the money, she doesn’t care about being educated or getting a real job!!

  5. KittieCouture says:

    Hilarious, as always. This episode really cemented for me what a horrible and unsufferable b*tch that Farrah really is… This can’t be due to editing, where they only show her when she is talking back to her parents and being extremely rude. She is NEVER respectful to her parents. The least she could do is give them common courtesy. She is snippy and sarcastic to everyone that she meets and that’s why she has no friends and her boyfriend of like 2 months just left her ass. OMG! I hate her as much as Aeropostale hates Gary’s fat ass… GRRRR

  6. alwayssunny says:

    i think maci just thinks she’s too good for school. just like she thinks she’s too good for most things in life, including but not limited to: face wash, a job, non-tangerine-orange hair dye, and anything that might make her a likeable person.

  7. George Glass…awesome!!!!

  8. QueenofCorona says:

    Forget the starving children of the world. For fifty cents a day we can supply Michael with the medical needs he must have to survive. And by medical needs I’m talking the constant IV drip of prickly pear margarita he needs to get by in life with Debra and Farrah in their house of horrors. I have come to realize Farrah most definitely killed her Margaret Cho friend when said friend cut her bangs not to Farrah’s liking.

    In Amber’s house of whorers, I’m no florist but those damn SAMs Club flowers were fugly. Gary needs to stick with the dozens he’s familiar with, cheeseburgers and donuts.

    Cate and Maci are boring. I can’t wait to see next week how Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall and broke his knee and had to be put back together again.

  9. Vuuuhhhginya says:

    This crapisode makes me really want Christmas.

  10. I'mTooOldForThis says:

    George Glass- hee!

  11. If I EVER spoke to my parents the way Farrah speaks to hers, well, I wouldn’t be around writing on this here blog.

  12. I’m sure if whoever arrested Debra for hitting Farrah could watch this episode they’d be like “Oh, ok, we see your point. You’re free to go.”

  13. queenofcorona- awesome! I lmao at your comment!

  14. I actually thought Catelynn looked a lot like her dad. am I alone in this? she may not have his forehead…but I thought their faces looked pretty similar. she definitely favors him moreso than April.

    once again Farrah needs to be bitch slapped. I’m not sure how either of her parents can just sit there and be spoken to like that. she has the worst attitude EVER.

    I agree with the person who said that Maci is just trying to figure out if this Teen Mom money will sustain her through life. she doesn’t seem to care about the education aspect of it at all. she tweeted recently that she’s writing a book so she’ll probably drop her classes again soon.

  15. I am over this show. Not even Amber’s arrest makes me interested. I hate to say it, but I think the time has come for this show to end.

    Bring on Teen Mom 3!

  16. Not being mean but….does anyone else thing Cate shows slight signs of fetal alcohol syndrome?? I think some Twisted Teas were consumed by Ape during pregnancy. For reals.

  17. Who doesn’t like grass?! Farrah is definitely going to have one of those ridiculous pebble front yards. Debrah will whine “but where is my precious baby baby So-phi-a going to play??” and Farrah will respond “GOD MOM, nobody has every died from playing in rocks!”

    Bert and Ernie letting themselves go is an image that I hope to hold on to for the rest of my life. Brilliant!

    And P.S. Michael knows how to order drinks! Prickly pear margarita?! Sounds delish!

  18. I love the George Glass reference. You’re so culturally educated, Patrick.

    I, too, thought Cate had some kind of resemblance to her father. I think it was the nose. But Cate looks a lot like April, sadly. I don’t know where she got the pudgy genes, though. Both of her parents are thin. Maybe one of her grandmas was a real Bessie.

    Farrah makes me angrier and angrier every week. Sadly, her parents have let her become this person. They raised her, they have to take responsibility. There are no repercussions to her actions, except that one time Debra came after her with the butcher knife. Maybe if there had been more knife attacks in her childhood she would have turned out to be a regular adult instead of a spoiled brat bitch who disrespects EVERYONE. Why is baby Goo not talking yet, by the way? She hasn’t said anything that I can tell. Maybe she’s scared to talk around Farrah. I would be.

  19. I think Michael might be a closet alcoholic. I know I would be if I were in his situation. I would run away if I were him.

  20. El Mattador says:

    Did anyone else see when Catelynn was talking to her dad in his bedroom the 4 car tires stacked in the closet? Hahaha

  21. Haha. I have to watch again just to look for the tires. I didn’t see that.

  22. I miss Ryan………that is all.

  23. OMG, “Instead of GTL he just ESS (Eat, Sleep, Sit). Yeeeeeah buddy!” Too funny!!!

  24. SomeoneStealLeah says:

    Nothing said about Ambers reverse black man hands? White on the outside and oh so colored on the inside? Oh ho hooooo, NOT forgiven. Oh, and how about next time we throw in a little comment or two about “Clin’n” ‘s jacked up grill, yes?

  25. I wish I could “like” people’s comments on here! SomeoneStealLeah, right on. Clinton just looks gross for so many reasons, the grill being only one of several.

  26. i read some interview with farrah and she said that her parents were going through a divorce during this time, but they were still living together so it was kind of confusing. they must be really obsessed with farrah/sophia to continue to live together when they’re getting divorced just to be able to see them!

  27. “I’m not sure who Kyle is technically dressed as because I am unaware of any albino snowman characters in Toy Story, but then again I didn’t see the 3rd one so who knows?” Patrick that is the best line, I am dying laughing. You have become to good for The Soup.

  28. Bitch Jungle says:

    maybe my favorite recap EVA!!!!!!!

  29. “Amber hadn’t picked up something so heavy since she had to move Gary’s stomach to get to his dinker-doo.” and “Anylovehandlesfromhell,” OMG…this is the best recap ever esp. for Amber!!!

  30. Bitch Jungle says:

    oh and i think it should be ESS (Eat, Sleep SHIT!)

  31. Your recap was hilarious! I made the mistake of reading this at work and was laughing so hard I’m probably going to get fired or people just think I am weird. Farrah’s section made me laugh the most. She is such a bitch.

  32. I totally have to agree with Bitch Jungle on that one, should have been Eat Sleep Shit hahaha

  33. Hahahaha, great recap!

    I tell ya, I skip watch Maci and use those times as bathroom breaks or water breaks. She really doesn’t give a shit about not only bettering her life but her son’s and being a good example. And Kyle, you must have some serious savings… because you should have had a job by now.

    Catelynn, looked NOTHING like her father. She looks just like her mom, which is sad. And it is sad that her dad wants to be a “dad” now all of a sudden. WTF is wrong with parents? I say we should start volunteering “the poors” for a new surgery that will make them beautiful – called sterilization…

    Amber, please smoke enough junk and just end it all for everyone. I called my mom and dad by their names (Linda & Doug), but I did it cause they told my brother and I it was okay. But they were called “mom & dad” more. Leah says “AMBEEEEEEEEEEEER” because she doesn’t understand that she is her mother, just a monster. Gary, he shaved? I didn’t know he knew how to. He had that really trashy line beard, so gross, he actually looks younger, but way fatter. You know, that line beard reminds me of Cartman. That poor girl. You know, I would adopt her. At least she would have a loving home and not have to hear adults screaming all the damn time.

    Farrah, if you were my child, at ANY age I would SMACK the shit out of her so fast she wouldn’t have time to call the cops and complain. She is disgusting.

    None of these girls deserve their children. None of these parents are real parents and love rubbing it in their daughter’s faces that they had babies young and are big mistakes themselves and yah yah yah… I mean, if I got pregnant @ 16, hell yeah my parents would have chewed out my ass. But my husband and I (HS sweethearts) would have owned up to being responsible parents and have done the right things, just like we do today with our daughters.

    I’m so almost done with this show. They all suck.

  34. Gary reminds me more and more of Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock.

  35. I was 99% sure I read the caption “Maryland” wrong and had to rewind it. Nope, that dude is totally named Maryland. Why wouldn’t you change it? And if you couldn’t do that, why wouldn’t you lie to the producers of MTV so they would caption you something normal like Tom or even cool like Arizona?

    Maryland.

  36. Anyone ever watch the show on MTV.com and talk to those idiot girls who chat on the side thingy? OMG. They deserve recaps of their own. Some of them say the stupidest things. Lawd! You would die, Patrick. So much material.

  37. Farrah is despicable. I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and blame immaturity. Debra is fighting against Farrah moving with all her heart, which strikes me as pure desire to control. It’s that control that’s kept Farrah completely unable to care for herself (and wiring strangers thousands of dollars after giving them her car). The best thing for all involved would be to let Farrah move. It will give her a chance to grow up and maybe even learn to appreciate all her parents do for her. It’s really little wonder that Farrah sees all their advice as interference.

    When Cate’s dad talked about his test, I wondered what kind of drug test takes 2 days? He spent 30 seconds donating urine, and the rest of the time chilling at the strip club.

  38. painfultowatch says:

    Gary is lookin’ even hotter now that he’s waxing his eyebrows.

    Loved it at the end of the episode when he cuddles Amber and says, “You’re gonna be alright.” WT for sure

  39. Amber’s cousin’s is getting fed up and I love it.

    First, she has to drive Amber around in a snowstorm! She gave Amber a huge side eye and said, “Boy it sure is snowing hard” meaning *hinthint* lets go home.

    Then, Amber starts sobbing about her SIDS sister and her cousin again gives her a side eye and says, “But weren’t you really young? Do you even remember it?” Amber hysterically cries, “I was almost FIVE!” The cousin realizes Amber is dramatizing the event for airtime. I highly doubt she spent every anniversary sobbing for the past 15 years.

    Finally, after decorating the tree, Leah needs put to bed. The cousin quickly snatches her and says, “I’ll do it,” and I could almost see her lips forming the words, “anything to get me away from you.”

    She’s funnier on the show than in a blog comment. Next episode, watch the cousin.

  40. I’m waiting for Michael to drive all of them off a cliff to put them out of their misery. That poor bastard.
    And it’s time to write Maci and her irrelevance right outta the show.

  41. Wednesdaystreat says:

    Laurie’s Trash Heap comment had me rolling!

    I am going to watch online just to see the tires in the bedroom. Missed that, but it’s a must see.

  42. I personally didn’t think that house Farrah and Debra were badmouthing was all that bad…

  43. Also, anyone think Cate’s dad looked like JP from the Bachelorette?

  44. dacabsarehere says:

    Patrick, your charm and wit complete me. You had me at Pitocin. Given how shitty this episode was you did a rock solid job of bringing some funny to it.

    I missed the part where CareBear dressed up like a Toy Story character. Was it Sid? The scary redhead who kept burning all the toys?? Or maybe it was the pink bear in the third one? That tried to burn the other toys at the end? I bet it was the bear …

    I love how we get no real reason why Tyler and Catelynn are moving from what looks like a juvenile detention center into what looks like a traveling circus bus. If that were Amber we would have had a full explanation on why she got evicted and than spend the next three episodes watching her try and find the perfect section 8 for her daughter who doesn’t even know what a “mom” is. The most basic word for a toddler.

    Also, I love how you called out Catelynn’s dad for wanting to see her now, after she’s on freaking TV. I just got a little newsflash for v-neck boy, you will never be as good as Butch. Glue a mullet on your neck and grab a Pabst and you STILL will not rule like our beloved Butch. This guy looks like he was on special about people coming home from prison. With his duffle bag and hanes menswear attire. Spare us, deadbeat.

    Farrah … I can’t. I won’t. She is beyond words the most hateful person, EVAHHH.

  45. Beyond Catelynn sitting by all the tires in the closet. Do they not believe in blinds in their ‘humble abode?’ Like, now the paparazzi know they live in a trailer park in Michigan all they have to do is look for the trailer with no blinds and tires in the closet! So Amber doesn’t believe in sheets and Catelynn doesn’t believe in blinds. Gross.

  46. QueenofCorona says:

    Does Catelynn know she isn’t 12-years-old and her mom won’t give a rats ass if she doesn’t wear her retainer? As if you can pay April to care about anything other than where her next case of Sparks and eight ball are coming from. Catelynn’s had braces on since 1998 and now wears that damn retainer on the show. Let us see those chops already. The good tax payers of Michigan are dying to know where those tax dollars went.

  47. Hahahahaha @ QueenofCorona. That was the best about the retainer. I am so curious to see what Cate’s mouth looks like without anything covering her teeth.

    I’m watching the episode for the third time right now trying to spot all the goodies. I finally saw the tires in the closet. I don’t know how I missed it. Seriously, this is becoming like playing “Where’s Waldo?”. It’s a game. Thank God for DVRs.

    Also, did anyone else get really put off by Amber and Gary’s conversation about Leah’s visitation schedule? First off, they’re both complaining about how hard it is going to be to get enough time with Leah now that they’re broken up and living separately. All that in the same breath that they agreed to let Gary’s mom have Leah EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. Saturday all day and night and then Sunday until the evening. I’m assuming this arrangement is not so Leah can have quality time with Grandma Sexybritches, but so Amber and Gary can have Saturday night to go and party and have the unprotected sex with random people and then have most of Sunday to sleep off their hangovers. Or come down from the drugs. What a couple of douchebags.

  48. Farrah acted like that because she was confused about her parents’ divorce? Really? I’ve been confused quite a few times in my life and I’ve never been a complete bitch as a result. That scene in the restaurant pissed me off. Debra comes off as controlling, yes, but her teenage daughter wants to move across the country with her toddler. Debra has practically raised Sophia. I get why she wouldn’t want her to be so far away. Farrah can’t expect to have her parents so involved in Sophia’s life and then be able to just up and leave without them feeling hurt. And I don’t have any idea why I care about any of this.

    And Leah resembles Gary more and more every week. She’s adorable right now, but her days as cute are numbered.

  49. Jenny – I didn’t think the house was that bad either. Guess I’m more like “the poors” than I like to admit!

  50. Mmmmmmmmmmmurdith – I thought the same thing about “Leah’s schedule” – for all their fighting about it, and how they both want SOOOO much time with Leah, they are OK with letting Grandma take her for two full days?

    As much as Farrah annoys me, I can understand her frustration, and Michael’s ensuing drinking problem. If someone was like Deborah to me that I had to deal with on a regular basis? I would be pissed off all the time too. She has said in several interviews that she has to be like that to get her parents to listen, that they just talk over her. I never fully saw it before this. The samartest thing for her to do would be to move away with Baby Goo.

    Catelynn and Tyler? Still with the 24 hour “if Carly were here.” Sure maybe her Dad showed up since she is now making bank money. Maybe he stayed away before terrified that April would chase him down? But, still… notice all convesations with him were still worked into “if Carly were here” he probably couldn’t get on the plane fast enough. I agree with Patrick… Brandon and Teresa need to make sure all three passports are ready to go! And what was with the pound o’ bacon she put on Tyler’s plate?

    Maci? Go to school or get a job, and let Kyle find a job – whatever shift it is.

    All of them? Take the pacifiers out of those kids mouth’s. It’s time.

  51. I’m trying to decide if that’s a typo in the second sentence… ’cause Farrah being in “rear” form also works too.

    See what I did there?

  52. I thought that WAS braces in Cate’s mouth…? On one of the reunion shows she had them off, and last night I thought I saw little squares on each tooth…hmmm…

  53. 1. Trash Claw needs to put on some make-up. I don’t think she has any eyelashes.
    2. I LOVE it when Gary parts his “bangs” right down the center. How stuff. Panties all wet.

  54. 39 & Not Pregnant says:

    I keep picturing Michael driving them off a cliff a la Saturday Night Live’s “Toonces the driving cat” skit. Farrah would be bitching all the way down.
    Car tires in a closet- a new low for the poors.
    I kind of thought the Arizona house Debra was trashing resembled Amber’s new one a little. I bet Farrah Purell’s herself after being around Amber & Catelynn at reunion shows…

  55. Oh. My. God. Was fiending for your update. Right – better late than never. But really, you shouldn’t do that to us when we’re gettin this update on the regular.
    I was fiending like……..
    1) April for some meth (or coke memoriabilia).
    2) Amber for spray tan.
    3) Gary for his white XS aero tee.
    4) Poor Michael for coping drinks.
    5) Maci for more of her face that she can eat.

    To follow the fraggle rock theme – Tyler looks like Beeker straight up.

  56. Farrah is the biggest C word ever.. It pisses me off when she calls her dad Michael because it is ALWAYS when she is bitching about something. I bet he was hoping they’d put bleach in his Prickly Pear Margarita.. Or that he’d get shot in a drive-by. When I picture Arizona, gangs are not the first thing that come to mind.

    Maci.. Ugh. Just ugh. I didn’t like the lack of Rhyyyyne in this episode.

    Cate and Ty are starting to annoy me.

    Amber.. Your boyfriend is fugly. And why the hell did Gary part his hair down the middle?? What a couple of hot messes. Oh and if I was upset and someone tried to console me by saying “you’re good,” I’d kick them in the nads.

    This recap is golden! I attempted to read it at work, but I couldn’t hide my laughter. You totally need your own show.

  57. Also, Sophia was side-eying the piss out of them. It cracks me up how they try to take her to do fun stuff, and she acts like she could care less. Stoic the whole time.

    Baby Goo!

  58. So I thought the Baby Goo thing was something you made up, mocking the way they talk. Then I heard her clearly articulate (is that possible when saying something so stupid?) “Baby Goo” on the episode last night and I thought, “Wtf? Did she get that from Patrick, or has she been saying it like that all along and I’m just an idiot?”
    I’m just an idiot.
    I hate this show, I only watch so I can really enjoy the recaps.

  59. Has anybody else gotten to the point where they can’t say/read/think about the word “baby goo” without cracking up? and more importantly, Can you only say it in Deborah’s voice, even when you just say it in your head? I seriously die every time I read it. These reviews are so fucking hilarious. I just can’t even take it sometimes. Maci and her uncontrollable acne have just been pissing me off beyond belief. Ryan should just become an official cast member and kick Maci off. And they should kick Caitlin off. They could then call it Two Moms, One Dick. It’d get so many more viewers and be such a better show.

  60. why do i care? please tell me!!! says:

    the tires…me thinks that they have to put snow tires on their car in the winter, so the regular tires go in the garage (they don’t have one, so guest closet is a good 2nd choice). that’s where i’d put mine. good thing i live in texas where nobody has a freaking clue that “snow tires” exist…
    farrah. farrah. farrah. if i had been her mom at that restaraunt, she would have looked down for a second, and then back up to find herself sitting at a table by herself. i really hope that 1) this stuff is edited to point that none of it is actually true…or 2) she watches it later and cringes and begs for forgiveness. holy cow that girl is out of control.

  61. Farrah is the worst person ever, I can’t stand her. And yes, these lazy ass parents need to get rid of the pacis already!

    LMAO at:

    douche bolsa
    ESS
    Maryland
    albino snowman

    These just keep getting better. Love you Patrick!

  62. Anyone else notice that Amber’s creepy pop-up Santa was the only Xmas decoration on the whole damn block? Not a single house was lit up or decorated. Editing fail.

  63. Again, Farrah is a total bitch and I would love nothing more than to tell her in person. Ungrateful spoiled brat.

  64. the other girls from teen mom are wayyy more likeable. cant wait til their season starts

  65. although i dont have a problem with michael he sure ordered a pretty girly drink.

  66. LovetoReadHere says:

    Remember Billie Jack? Michael puts me in the mind of (looks like and articulates like) Billie Jack (sans hat).

  67. I was literally doing the funny breath through my nose thingie (in response to the Bint-Lee sized Shasta McNasties) when I read the line about the funny breath through the nose thingie. Not even kidding…

  68. These recaps are the reason I still watch the show. You are hilarious and intelligent..a wonderful combo.

    Amber and Gary are so gross apart and together I can’t decide which is worse.

    Last year I thought Maci was mature wanting her own place..but I can see now that the MTV cash has made her lazy. Bint-lee is adorable..like a little cartoon character….but I dont’ want to see him go potty either.

  69. I really wanted to see Big-Shoulder-Pad/Trash-Claw-Loo-Who singing Wahoooo wahoooo around that gingerbread mess. Or even better, photoshop out amber looking up at the christmas tree and replace it with the Who.

  70. I want to scrub Macis face with some peroxide.
    Maybe Ryan was thinking hey get a job and take care of my kid while he is at your house cause my ex only sits around complaining how she has no time but dropped everything in her life.
    Ambers useless.
    Cate and Ty need a new twist like her dad Dave getting with Kim and then leaving Kim for Butch and April going crazy saying she aint giving him up but aint against a 3some either.

  71. I don’t even watch anymore until I hear the recap from you… I’m peeing my pants… George Glass!!

  72. i love in Phoenix and scoffed at my tv when Farrah claimed that the immigration has been “cracked down” on. Also, does she realize how fucking hot it is out here? Can Farrah honestly see herself dragging Baby Goo around on errands in 120* weather?! i hate az for the heat and immigration, but there ARE cities besides Scottsdale that are BNOT ghetto as fuck, thank you very much Debra and Michael!

    i’m sorry but i found Catelynn’s dad HOT in an older man kind of way!

    Amber’s tears over her dead sister seemed legit but it’s funny how this fact only pops up years after the original show started. THIS Christmas is hard without her? What about the previous years and holidays? Can we say “desperate for ratings”?!

    Dear Maci,

    Please spend less of your money on hair extensions and more of it on some Clean & Clear or Proactiv.

    Thanks,
    AMERICA