Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa and the Amazing Technicolor Fur Coats

RHONJ and Jersey Shore all on the same night?  Yowza!  I love when there are only shows about New Jersey on “the television!”  Here are some important topics to go over from last nights Real Housewives of New Jersey (ingredientses sold separately):

Rosie is Totally Boober from Fraggle Rock  - I only want to live in a world where Rosie, Kat’s sister, stars in her own show where she does shots, sports her trademark scally-cap, and gives the devil horns on the regular.  She is, for me, the shows unsung hero and may or may not actually be the real life version of Boober from Fraggle Rock.  What’s even better is that I’m pretty sure this season of RHONJ is loosely based on Fraggle Rock as I’ve been calling Joe Guidice a Doozer, now Rosie is Boober, and technically there are “Gorgs” on Fraggle Rock too and RHONJ has “Gorga’s“  A coincidence?  I think not.  Anysprokets, it’s Richie’s birthday so they take him to the place where they filmed Aladdin and Rosie busts out on the dance floor throwing down dollar bills next to the belly dancers and has a hell of a time.  Long live Rosie!  If she’s not brought out during the reunion episode I’m suing Andy Cohen for defamation of character (??) and also for pretending that he hasn’t been slowly coloring his hair from gray back to black.  Oh, and can everyone at the party stop pretending that the hookah is like smoking crack?  You have a better chance of getting a stronger buzz off of snorting Aderol and taking shots of Kiwi-Strawberry wine coolers.  Just a guess.

Teresa Murdered the Pink Panther, Skinned Him, and Is Now Wearing Him as a Coat - I’m not sure if Teresa technically murdered the Pink Panther or if Barney just “fell asleep at the wheel” and crashed into him, but either way Teresa’s fur coat is one for the Pimp Daddy Record Books, which exists I believe.  I guess these are the type of “bare basic” purchases for survival you have to make when you’re $19 million in debt, filed for Chapter 11, and may possibly face jail time.  Teresa says she’s wearing it because she has to be the center of attention, but she could achieve the same goal simply by trying to fill out a 4th graders phonics sheet in front of a crowd of people.

Why Did Ashley Draw the Campbell’s Soup Kid on Lauren’s T-Shirts?  - It’s the night of Lauren Manzo’s big pointless makeup bar party at the Chateau and all of New Jersey’s finest is there!  There’s Fatty, Slob, Gut Over the Belt, and Gold Chains.  Everyone made it!  And, at the 11th hour, even Ashley came through with some beautiful t-shirts for Lauren.  I couldn’t believe it when they turned the t-shirt around and revealed what I could only assume was one of the Campbell soup kids sporting whore red lipstick.  Terrible.  If I were Lauren I would have kept those t-shirts to tie around her waist when she’s experiencing heavy flow during “ladies days.”  Either that or to mop up the blood and other evidence when Jacqueline actually murders Ashley (preferably next season).

Supermarket Sweep with Milania - The producers/editors are doing a great job of incorporating Milania in as much of this show as possible.  I mean, if no one is going to flip a table or pull out someones weave then this is, sadly, our next best bet.  Tre-bagger is taking the girls food shopping which means that Milania is turning into a well-balanced mix of Animal from the Muppets and the Tasmanian Devil where she just destroys the F out of the supermarket like she’s the little girl version of Hurricane Irene.  Too soon?  From climbing up onto the fruit stands with her snow boots to grabbing as many TV dinners as her little hands can carry at one time, Milania doesn’t disappoint.  Perhaps my favorite part, however, is when Tre thinks it’s a good idea to stop the food shopping process to call her brother to invite him to her book signing all while the girls are just supposed to stand there in the supermarket and be well behaved.  Yeah, 4 year olds love that.  Therefore, Milania climbs up onto the freezer section and eventually falls into it like she’s baby Jessica going for a quick dip into that pesky well.  Tre-bagger yells at her for a second but then when customers slowly walk by her giving them the side-eye she tells Milania that she’s such a good girl.  I firmly believe that even Tre doesn’t want to cross her.  I actually don’t blame her.

Only Serial Killers Go to a Book Signing - Snow storm shmo-storm!  Teresa has her book signing at 5pm sharp so it only makes sense that she shows up 30 minutes late.  I mean, I can’t say the people in line can really be that pissed as they’re waiting for Teresa Guidice to sign their cookbook so, well, what else can they really have going on in their lives?  Also, Tre is dressed like “a horse of a different color” with another dyed fur coat so there’s also that.  Now there’s a lot of scripted drama around this book signing because she finally technically invited her brother, Doozer, to it and apparently Barney was text messaging him that if he shows up to the book signing he’s going to wire his mouth shut because, you know, that makes sense.  Once Doozer and our middle aged Fly Girl, Melissa, show up 2 hours after the book signing is technically over he wants Tre-bagger to write a special message for him in his cookbook.  Tre is sitting there thinking and thinking of what to write and suddenly she busts out into the panicky ugly-cry just like this one girl in my 6th grade class used to do when the nun wouldn’t let her leave the blackboard until she successfully finished her long-division problem.  No lie, this girl ended up pissing her uniform and then got yelled at.  So that, my friends, is what a Catholic education is all about.  But back to Tre.  She ends up writing that she loves her brother more than anything and misses him.  Awww that’s nice.  I actually kinda believe that because Tre is legit fighting back tears and, let’s face it, she can’t act (i.e, tanning commercial) so we know she must mean this.  Doozer ends up ruining the nice moment by being a Cindy Brady tattle tail and spilling the beans to Tre that Barney threatened him via text.  I mean, the fact that Barney even knows how to text is amazing.  With his fat sausage fingers I’m surprised all of the text messages didn’t look like, “ereo ituvsh0 miejrtwoe!”

Drunken Joe Guidice Scenes are the Best!  - The last 5 minutes of the show were the absolute best.  Barney is having a party back at the future Foreclosure Castle all whilst Tre is out making money with her book signing.  By the time Tre gets back home Barney is three sheets to the wind and doesn’t disappoint.  First off, their house is so God-damn big that little girls are literally running up and down the halls doing gymnastic flips onto a multi-colored mat and so drunken Barney decides to try his hand at a flip.  He legit tries to run, throws his legs over his head, lands on his back, flips onto his stomach on the marble floor and does a face plant onto the tile where he chips his front tooth.  Gia, for reasons that I still don’t understand, starts hysterically screaming and crying like Barney just got sent back to jail and made a boyfriend.  She should have used all that energy to practice saying “Derrick!” and hopefully land a future roll in a “Rock” movie.  Here’s to wishing.

Moments later after Barney is missing half his tooth he gets back to the wine and starts slurring and spitting over how much he hates Teresa’s brother.  At one point he says that Doozer is jealous of Tre because he’s short and Tre is taller than him.  That makes sense if we had a time machine and went back to 1982 when these jokers were 5 and 8 and actually cared about that kind of thing.  Barney then calls Melissa’s family “white trash from down the shore” and I found myself squealing with delight.  Then, per usual, he throws in some derogatory slurs about Doozer and then we got to the text messages, which by far were my favorite part.  I wouldn’t have believed it if i didn’t see it with my own eyes. First off Barney has Teresa’s brother programmed into his phone as “Faggot.”  No joke.  Bravo had to blur that out.  Then apparently the message from Joe Gorga to Joe Guidice said, “Stupid ass I just realized what ur tex said.”  I mean, it’s not surprising that Doozer had a hard time understanding the text, although I’m not sure he actually knows it’s called a “text” and not a “tex.”  Either way, Barney writes back to him with, and I quote, “Watch who you call stupid ass before I put your jaw on one of those metal cages.”  I’m sorry, what?  What the hell does that even mean?  Did he mean “wire his mouth shut?”  I is be confuzed.

All I know is that a druken Barney speaks horribly to Tre and does that in front of company and cameras.  At least Tre-bagger tried to defuse the situation by telling him to stop talking to her like that and that they’re both adults (I want to see some ID).  Even the people at the “party” were giving him the side-eye except for when they all learned that someone pulled Joe’s mothers hair at the Christening and then some yenta squeals out, “They pulled his mutha’s haaaaair?!”  Why there was only 5 minutes of this scene when I could have easily watched 42 minutes of it is beyond me.