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Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Anti-Semite Norwegian Storm
Spoiler Alert: Most of this episode is about Bonk Ashley again, so as opposed to skipping this entire recap for a second week in a row, let’s review some of the things we learned this week on “Real Housewives of a Place Where People Use to Punch at Each Other, Now They Just Attend Lame Parties.”
I’m Not One for Terrorism, But… – I’m not one for “the terrorism” that “the kids” are wild about these days, but if Ashley has plans to make a new life for herself in California then maybe, just maybe, those pesky terrorists should consider lighting up their underwear and shoes over there vs. the east coast. Get creative, dress like Kim Kardashian and ignite a fake ass and take out at least 12 blocks. Sky is the limit. Anywhereisashleysnewnose, Ashley continues to be a grade A C-word all whilst her family and the camera crew are still at the restaurant (that they’re probably not likely to be asked back to). And poor Jacqueline is still trapped in the basement with one camera man where she just keeps on uncontrollably hyperventilating and crying. She sounds like horses running from a barn fire. Ironically, she kind of resembles one too. More importantly Ashley’s whole life could have taken a different direction if her step-mom, who looks like a pageant mom, entered our little Jon-Benet into a “Little Miss Giant Head” competition. Instead we’re left with a big b*tch with a variety of hats that are “on trend” for about 2 days. Thanks Texas!
Laws Are Just Merely Suggestions – In case you forgot there were other people on this show besides Ashley and Jacqueline, Teresa is on it too. Tre-bagger and Barney Rubble head out to see their lawyer so that their lawyer can basically talk to the Bravo cameras and explain to “The America” just exactly what is going on with their little court case. For some reason Tre-bagger is dressed like Betty Boop to go to the law office and Barney looks like he’s wearing the B.U.M Equipment sweatshirt that he wants to be buried in. Apparently Tre-bagger is free of all charges but Barney, on the other hand, is going to have to pay his ex-partner (Fred?) $260,000 for evidently forging his signature on some documents. Barney thinks that because he admitted to forging the signature it’s ok, but a few people like “the judge” and “people who made the laws” think it’s not so, well, it’s time to sell Gia, Gabriella, and Capicola on the black market in order to pay off this debt. Either that or get Milania her own show and let her start earning for the family. Reality TV shows for kids is the new paper route. However, my favorite part was during Teresa’s one on one interview when she said (about Barney), “Some of my Jewish friends said, ‘I would have left him in a second.’” So, for those of you playing along at home, Teresa is insinuating that Jewish people are in it for the money. Please send her hate mail to: P.O Box 555…
You Know They’re Reaching When “Zen Jen” Makes a Comeback Appearance – Ugh. Somebody, punch someone! Caroline, slap the face off Ashley? Please, anybody! Do something! We do not need to live in a Housewives world where Zen Jen gets 6 minutes of air-time smudging Kat’s house. I mean, it was nice to get a flashback of Dina, but still. If Zen Jen is going to smudge anything it should be the Gamlour Shots of Kat’s daughter that are hung all around the house. Oh, and smudge everyone’s oversized teeth. Those need special spiritual attention.
I’m Doing Flash Cards with Teresa…STAT! – Is Tre-bagger like those old Italian families who back in 1920 never made it past 2nd grade? No really, is she? While I do love me some Teresa, she’s bricks. Whilst at Kat’s pointless Goddess party (where they eat tiny dixie cups of Mediterranean food off of chandeliers) Tre-bagger shows up, barely says hello to Kat, and then starts talking about the weather, including a pending snowstorm that she has brilliantly called “a Norwegian” instead of a “Nor’easter.” How this chick was able to cut and paste her mom’s recipes into a cookbook and make it into a New York Times Best Seller is beyond me. Although, a “Norwegian” does sound refreshing especially in the dead of the winter so hopefully she’s on to something. Or on something.
Speaking of a Goddess Party…Why? – I’m not entirely understanding what a goddess party is, why Kat is on this show, why this segment is getting about 15 minutes of air time, and why my NYC studio apartment appears to be bigger than Kat’s house. These are all questions that I have and I want answers, damn it! Regardless and irregardless all at the same time, Tre is fresh off a “court win” (as she thinks) and is ready to throw down with anyone. She picks a fight with Melissa over her saying that they haven’t spoken in years even though Melissa attended one of her 300 kids christenings and then later she’s making little comment under her breath about the parsley in Kat’s salad that she was “forced” to eat. Had there actually been enough room in the living room for a table and they weren’t forced to eat off their laps, Teresa looks like she was ready to flip one. Ugh, those were the days. Tre-bagger even calls out Melissa for trying to become friends with Kim G even though they knew that she was trying to start trouble with Teresa. Here’s the thing, I firmly believe that Teresa is pissed over the fact that Melissa and Kat are on this show at all and that they’re willing to do scenes with Kim G just to get more airtime and that pisses Tre off. But she can’t seem to say that so she talks complete rag-time-bull-sh*t about other junk that doesn’t matter. Either way, to diffuse the situation Kat has Tila Tequila come out from the other room dressed like Princess Jasmine and start belly-dancing for no reason whatsoever.
I Don’t Want to Eat There – Bonus information includes the idea that Tre-bagger and Barney are opening their own restaurant where Teresa will “be the hostess” and “dress in large gowns.” No really, she said that. So basically it’s going to be like a Red Lobster with marinara. By the way, if they have another kid they should totally name her Marinara. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!
Tre is Killing it Tonight – Who knew millions of dollars in debt would make Teresa comical? While (still) at the Goddess party, Tre makes fun of the backless shirt with chains that Melissa is wearing and says during her one on one interview, “It’s Boardwalk…definitely something they sell on the Jersey Shore.” Brilliant. I think I’m going to start using that to describe things from this point forward, “It’s Boardwalk.” For example, this recap is Boardwalk.
Good News/Bad News, Ashley Finally Gets Kicked Out of the House…But Not Out of the Country – In the end, since Ashley is dead inside and is going to burn in the firey pits of hell for all eternity, Chris and Jacqueline decide to kick Ashley out of their house now so that she can move to California and hit rock bottom. See you in porn followed by a short stint in Celebrity Rehab. I’m kidding. She’s not a celebrity so, well, see you in regular rehab! I’ll be the one there with the Red Sox hat on talking about his addiction to Rosie from the same show you were on.
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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giacomo Said,
Marry me, you sweet bitch.
Tre is so, so as blatant as the back of Mel’s top. She was one step away from stomping up and down, screaming, ‘I’m the star, I’m the star of this show!” Too bad. I call it the Zarin curse.
As Ramona would say, ku-DOES on the Kat goddess bullshit. WTF was that? Why do chicks get all hot and bothered over belly dancers? Doesn’t Kat have any sage to set on fire, w/o bringing in a Safeway clerk part-timing it as a spiritual energist? -
giacomo Said,
PS Best line we never got to hear from Jodi, Matt’s (Randy Quaid’s) Texan broad (in sarcastic tones): “Like, honey, like, you can fucking forget about, like, letting that doughy bitch, like, come live with, like, us.”
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Leslie Said,
Fifteen interminable weeks of this junk?
They are seriously running out of gas with this franchise for sure. I can just hear the producers now:
Producer: Jacqueline, we’ve got nothing for a storyline. Any interest in you dragging your lazy daughter’s life out into the open for the whole world to see? We promise to make you appear “sympathetic” to the viewer rather than the scheming mediawhore you are.
Jacqueline: Where do I sign? Nothing like the “drama” of letting Ashley think she has relevance by comparing her to the Caroline’s “successful” kids who tend bar and apply make up and clients while calling that “careers”.
If Jacqueline is too dumb to figure out that she may be ruining that kid’s life by this exposure of her every inadequacy she is truly braindead.
I don’t much care for Ashley but it is pretty apparent that she has the emotional level of a 13 yr old and should never have been included into the “plot line” to begin with. She can’t handle it.
Jacqueline deserves a well placed kick in the butt for even considering showcasing the issues between herself and her daughter. Too painful to watch.
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IBBB Rocks! Said,
I just want to puch tater head Ashley in the throat.
What an ungrateful little a$$hole.
Let her go live with her father and his wife. Oh wait. They are under investigation for money laundering and insurance fraud for burning down their house so there is no where for her to live.
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dacabsarehere Said,
Trainwreck and normally on these types of shows that’s a good thing. This time, however, it is not.
I truly think Ashley wears all those hats because she’s aware her head is damn near the size of the great pumpkin. Maybe she got it from her dad and that massive scar on the back of his head was from a skull shaving surgery. Either way she should look into something similiar …
I love Kat and her family. I know they’re not all beauty kings like little Albie or trainwrecks like pumpkin-head but they’re just “cute”. I love her husband, he’s such a moron, but yanno in a refreshing sort of way. I would make a high-staked bet that Rosie will be in appearance a lot more next season though.
Teresa, where to begin. I’m sick of all the feathery, furry things she’s always wearing. If she wasn’t such a bitch, I would feel an overwhelming need to pet her. The only thing missing from Joe is a jewel on his belly. He’s a short, stumpy, angry little man. I love how people file for bankruptcy than start/open a new business. Like hello, if you knew business you wouldn’t of lost everything you own the first time. Try flipping a burger or in Joe’s case a pizza. Which would pan out for him if he could sell that fright-night castle he lives in and they could all stop pretending they’re something they’re not … rich.
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Lora Said,
Remember “The Book”? Remember “thick as thieves”? Yeah, me too. Sigh.
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heather Said,
I hope ashley isnt planning on getting a roomate and/or boyfriend while out in cali because after her shitshow self has been plastered all across america, no one is going to want to be in her vicinity…hell, her parents dont even wanna see her face anymore! i doubt even dr. Drew would take her scragglemuffin self in
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LisaP Said,
imagine that – barney admitted to forgery and was still punished for it! oh the humanity. you said it ibbb, bricks.
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Dana Said,
Great recap, glad we didn’t just say “f-it” again this week.
Check out this link: http://www.realitytea.com/tag/matt-holmes-mugshot/
Apparently, Ashley’s voice-of-reason father and stepmother are criminals. Kind of opens up a whole new list of ways he could have gotten that scar on his head. Prison shanking?
Teresa is just the absolute worst combination of stupid and paranoid. Seeing her so uncomfortable at that goddess party was so pitiful. She has no one else for friends besides Caroline and Jacqueline, and she’s so threatened by Kat and Melissa becoming close with them. You can see her trying to regain her hold on her friends by cutting on the food and the other snide remarks she makes and trying to steal the thunder by saying she’s going to open a restaurant. WTF? Since when? And when Kat was complimenting her on her resiliency, she got defensive. She always thinks everyone is out to get her. So sad. But by the looks of the previews, it seems more and more like Juicy Joe is doing the thinking for both of them, because he’s the one always spewing the hatred toward her family.
I used to kind of like Ashley, but she’s gotten so awful with each season. I love how Caroline is so old school, talking about knocking her kids teeth out for being disrespectful. I’d pay real money to see her jerk Ashley back in line. That kid needs it!
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Mmmmmmmmmmmurdith Said,
If any of my kids turns out like Ashley, God help me. At 20, I was a single parent working three jobs and attending college full-time. I can’t imagine doing what she’s doing sponging off her parents. Then again, I guess they must have encouraged it in some way for it to have gotten this bad.
Teresa is so dumb.
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Kat79 Said,
To me it sounded like they circumvented the court by having Theresa pay for their gaudy crap out of some of “her” assets so they didn’t have to auction it off to the public. I wonder how Jersey law works that they aren’t both liable for the debt.
I like how the lesson they learned was to not tell the truth, not to not break the law. -
kasey Said,
what I would give to just hear Danielle confuse woman/women one last time! They say you don’t know what you’ve got…till it’s gone.
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SimplySarah Said,
Ever notice that Jacqueline brings the crazy when she does that high side ponytail?
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Yasmeen Said,
Ashley Homes VS Farrah Abraham. Who’s the bigger bitch??? Both are pains in the asses, but hey at least Farrah has a job, finished school and takes care of her child on her own (okay, Deb helps out alot). At least Farrah has a reason to be bitchy.
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SillyLilly Said,
Hey Laydee! Jacqueline is Jerry lewis in his younger years. Hey Laydee grow up! Hey Laydee lay off the booze your always buzzing and it still doesnt make you happy. Either your crying about something or sceaming so we as the audience hears that your right. WRONG! and your kid is a bitch and you want her to get out of ”YOUR HOUSE”! Can someone post if Jacqueline is really the one that has the money? I think not. I cant wait until Chris leaves your flat ass and you show up on Ashleys door step wanting o sleep over. Now I don’t like Ashley but I am more tired of Fugly Jacqueline horse face.
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Brooke Said,
I like Jacqueline but I found it comical that she kept referring to it as “her” house. Really, you paid for that? In BJs maybe.
p.s. I think CJ is adorable.
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Mmmmmmmmmmmurdith Said,
In BJ’s! If I knew I could have a house like that years ago simply by giving the right person enough BJ’s, well, let’s just say I’d be in living a much nicer house today. I have clearly been giving the WRONG person BJ’s.
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SnarkySmurf Said,
Capicola! Marinara!! LOL! Brilliant.
Sounds like SOMEBODY’S been hitting the deli counter at Bob’s in Meff-fud.
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YouAreTheFather Said,
Ashley needs to be put in one of those “scared-straight” programs where they send unruly teens to prison. Clearly this child knows nothing about rules, discipline, or respect. Where’s Derek when we need him? At least that kid had some semblance of reality.
Juicy Joe is looking more and more like a troll doll each episode. A jewel in the belly button plus some fluorescent wacky hair & we’ve got a new Halloween costume. He already has the tan skin going for him.
