It seems like just yesterday we were introduced to the women of Beaverly Lakes and here we are again getting a sneak peak at their upcoming season (premiering on Sept 5th). Jill Zarin’s potato latkes are barely even cold in their grave and, well, we’re moving on. I, for one, am relieved as the RHOBH always makes me watch in absolute shock and awe at how much God-damn money these woman (shout out to Danielle Staub) actually have. Like, Adrienne could give Sonja Morgan one of her earrings and pay off her $7 million debt and save her from Chapter 11. She should think about that.
Checking out the preview clip of the new season first made me side-eye my laptop and then my lap as I was watching some chick dressed like a mermaid posing next to a pool right after seeing a camel just hanging out in front of what I can only assume is Adrienne’s house. Next thing you know we’re forced to see some chick with Amber Portwood’s head brag about her $25,000 sunglasses and Lisa Vanderpumpernikel washing a chicken with soap and water. This all made me fear that the new season would crap the bed. And I’m talking the kind of crap the bed that happens after a long day and night of drinking and you dream you’re taking a Shasta McNasty and then you wake up and, voila, it’s happened. Just me? Moving on. Then, well, then it gets good.
Suddenly the music gets dramatic and Taylor is freaking out at some dinner party and crying saying she feels like she’s breaking. Now her face is shot up with enough Botox to make the statues at Madame Tassauds jealous so we don’t know for an absolute fact that she’s crying, but one can only assume. Adrienne stares at her and lets her know that she’s having a nervous breakdown. That’s cool. I’m sure she’s freaking because her marriage to her Level III (allegedly) is coming to an end. She’s probably upset that she’s never going to be able to have “the intercourse” with that lifeless robot again? You should read that sentence again and really raise your voice up in question as you come to the end so that the sarcasm really takes off. I’ll wait……
Apparently all my prayers to the sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary have finally paid off because Kim is, in fact, back again this season. Thank you Santa Christ! This time around it appears she has some new boyfriend who her kids don’t like and so she’s skittish and crying over the fact that she lost 3 of her kids. Did she technically lose them because, if so, she should probably check to see if they’re hiding up in Witch Mountain. At least that’s the first place I’d look into. And, to make things even better, there’s some new chick on the show (Brandi Glanville) who seems like she hates Kim. From the clip we get to see two awesome quotes from Kim which include, “You know what? You are a God damn b*tch” and my personal favorite and new life mantra, “You’re a slut pig.” Seriously? Gold. It’s like why just be a slut or a pig when you can be both a slut pig? Dream big! Full disclosure, I’ve been saying that for years but I’m glad that Kim is bringing it back into my life. Oh, and I could have swore I saw Brandi tell Kim that she knows she does Crystal Meth in a public bathroom, but when I watched the clip again it wasn’t in there. Maybe I’m on meth and I don’t even know it?
In the end Taylor is crying again about Kyle not being her friend, but she doesn’t want her to be her enemy either and everyone seems to be turning on Lisa The Pump. Oh, and Camille Wonkstastic 3000 is back and confronting Kyle about something but even though I hit rewind 15,000 times I have no idea what the hell she said to her. Something like, “You need manners, that’s not cool?” They better subtitles the sh*t out of that when the actual crapisode airs.
Overall it looks like it’s going to be good and I will be campaigning all season for one of these trash dumps to bring me to Watch What Happens Live so I can live-blog their bank accounts. Buckle up kids, Sept 5th is right around the corner. Not literally, of course. Unless it is, then we are all F’d!
