Real Housewives of New York City: My Super Scripted Sweet Sixteen

What in the name of all things Zarin was going on in this entire episode?!  Now I don’t do drugs, as users are losers and losers are users so don’t do drugs (DON’T do drugs)…if you know a user even part of the time, tell ‘em to quit and take a bite out of crime!  But I can only assume that from watching this crapisode of Real Housewives of NYC this is what it must be like to be on some sort of a binge.  We’ll get to Jill’s surprise party in a minute.

Things yawningly kick off with the planning of the battle of the Super Scripted Sweet Sixteens between mini-Ramona and LuAnn’s daughter, whose name it not important.  For now we’ll just call her Miss Suez Canal 2011.  LuAnn and Ramona are throwing their daughters a party on, you guessed it, the same exact day.  Can you imagine that luck?  LuAnn keeps saying that “you’re only 16 once” so she really wants to do it up for her daughter.  I hate that saying.  “You’re only (insert # here) once!”  Really?  Is that the way it works?  You mean to tell me I won’t be repeating 21 any time soon?  No me gusta that.

Each of these Super Awkward Sweet 16’s may or may not have a theme and, let me tell you, one idea is worse than the other…especially for Avery.  The creepy party planners are trying to pitch her on a “Winter Wonderland” theme because by mid-winter there’s nothing more that New Yorkers love than more F’n snow!  The other option, whilst horrific, would have been the worst best ever because it was (are you ready for it?) a break-dancing theme.  Yes!  I haven’t heard of a worse theme since Uncle Jessie tried to revive his music career by taking on the persona of “The Jess Man” and doing Egyptian-like dance moves known as, you guessed it, “The Jess Man.”  Kill yourself.  Scratch that, kill me first.  I enjoy a nice murder-suicide mid-Summer.  Anyway LuAnn’s daughter, Schecky de Leseppes, wants theme of a hot night club.  Original.  Clearly she should have gone with a “Friends” theme as Sad Ross is already on the payroll.  Either way, all these ideas are terrible and sound like they’re just basically trying to recreate the set of Xuxa.

Later we get to kill two potato latkes with one stone by having Jill and her sister give free legal advice to Sonja in the waiting room of the plastic surgeons office where Jill is just minutes away from getting a “liquid face-lift.”  I thought Jill’s sister was a radio host?  She’s a lawyer too?  Does she represent Casey Anthony?  That’s about all I know about the law.  Anyyentas, apparently Sonja is still trying to convince the American public that she’s just a simple girl who had no idea what she was doing when she was making a movie, forgot to pay the people $7 million dollars, and then (ooops) never actually made the movie.  The only movie I want to see Sonja in is Toaster Oven porn.  Basically I’d like to watch her toast grilled cheese sandwiches in her actual vagina.  Was that not clear?   Don’t forget the slice of tomato please! You know it’s ready when her gentlemen greeter starts to bubble.  Fine, I’m done.

It’s finally time for Jill to get a store-bought new face.  Thank God.  Although, I will miss Droopy.  The doctor is literally injecting enough filler into Jill’s face to fix the Liberty Bell.  See what I did there?  I incorporated Social Studies (Chapter 4) into this here recap.  We all learn so much here.  For example, I learn that I don’t know the difference between Social Studies and US History.  As the doctor needles the piss out of Jill’s facia bruta she lets her squeeze some balls to help with the pain.  Sonja looks jealous.  She should have let Jill squeeze two tiny fury clip on koala bears that can be purchased 3 for $10 at any international airport.  But, alas, she didn’t and Jill is left to just scream and moan while needles tear apart Jill’s ugly.  The doctor just kept saying to her, “This doesn’t hurt, you’re just afraid.”  Really?  Because I’m pretty sure this is the equivalent of getting a tattoo of Texas across your face.  Oh, and Jill is trying to convince us she gets this done every 5 or 6 months.  Really Pinocchio?  Because you’ve been on this show for about 6 years and, presto chango, you have a whole new F’n face this time around.  I think we would have noticed this kind of major construction zone before.  Hopfully, per usual, you can still take steak after this procedure.

Now this is when things start to really get trippy.  Enter Jill’s surprise party.  What the F was that all about?  All I know is that 3 minutes into it my phone rang and it was my sister calling me to say, “I have no idea what the hell I’m watching.  What is this?”  Poetic, if you ask me.  What an absolute sh*t show this was.  Honestly, I didn’t even think it was real.  I looked over at my bed to see if I was in it, dead, and was looking at my dead corpse…from heaven.  Fine.  Hell.  Either way, where to begin?  First off, LuAnn is having this surprise party at some French restaurant (shocker) that is owned by the son of Josephine Baker.  Huh?  They show “the son” and he’s an old white man wearing a rd suit and red glasses.  Well it was either a white man or former talk show host Sally Jesse Raphael.  The jury is still out.  Then, to kick up the crazy a notch, Simon walks in to the restaurant wearing a dress and a women dressed as man calls him a lesbian.  As all this is happening LuAnn and Ramona are just “learning” that they’re having their daughters parties on the same exact night and some guy is doing magic tricks in front of them and no one is paying any attention so he just walks away. At this point I was checking my pulse to make sure I wasn’t having a stroke.

As if the crazy train couldn’t enter the station, next up we have Sad Ross on the piano singing/saying something in a scented French accent about Jill and then people start taking the microphone and toasting her.  Kelly pops up out of nowhere and just keeps announcing to everyone over the mic that she is so sorry for being late and missing the beginning of the event.  Huh?  Who, what, when, where, and why?  Then enter Cindy (who I forgot was on this show until her creepy brother and his girlfriend who, again, looks just like Cindy showed up) who is wearing some Marie Antoinette wig and reciting a poem about Jill.  Are you all as out of breath as me right now?  Ramona tosses on a red wig and starts doing Jill Zarin impressions and screaming at the top of her lungs to Bobby that she wants bigger diamonds.  And then finally, it happens.  The cherry on top.  LuAnn comes down the stairs (in the SAME exact way she did during her performance of “Money Can’t Buy You Class”) wearing some crazy head-dress thing with a giant feather in it and looking like a man in a gown (aka Simon)…and sings some crazy song to Jill while Jill is yelling “Ha-bibi” over and over again.  Seriously, this officially turned into an episode of I Love LuAnn Lucy and Sad Ross, of course, is Ricky Ricardo.  What. A. Frigging. Sideshow. Mess.

I should end the recap right here because everything else was a letdown.  Well, the part where Alex and Simon hired a hypnotherapist to come over to their dump to try to cure Simon of his smoking habit was kind of entertaining.  The hypnotherapist was this little old man  (who I assume was just CGI and the old dude from “Up!”) who wore about 6 coats, hypnotized Simon and Simon’s bags under his eyes, and then just kept yelling at him over and over again, “You’re a non-smoker, you’re a non-smoker.”  For real?  He should have had Alex shut her eyes and started yelling at her “You’re not a model, you’re not a model” because that’s what I do to my TV every time Alex comes on the screen.  However, I’m not a hypnotist so I am powerless.

Sidenote: Remember that scene that was about 5 pointless minutes long with Avery and her friends having lunch and talking about the party?  Yeah, well how embarrassing was it at the end when the one friend was like, “You should invite Justin Bieber because he’s in town” and all the friends give her the death glare like she had just said, “Remember when you sucked d*ck at 8th grade graduation?”  I felt bad for her.  She even tossed in Katy Perry’s name and then looked like she was going to go home to cut herself.  And that’s when I knew that Frankie was a cutter.

The remainder (1) of the episode was just the craptastic Sweet 16’s.  Avery went with the winter wonderland theme and looked like she was going to a New Jersey Junior Prom.  There were beds all over the place, but Ramona didn’t want Mario to know they were beds because she was afraid he would freak out. Uh, more like she thought he would have his affairs in front of the whole party I’m sure.  My friend.  Oh yeah.  Funny how the thought of her daughter laying down with a boy didn’t freak her out, but when the Pinot Grigio hadn’t been delivered she looked like she was going into actual cardiac arrest.  I was laughing out loud when she freaked out and called the delivery people and was saying, “I don’t have my Ramona Pinot Grigio yet.  We’re supposed to have that and some, uh, vodka too.  Oh, this is the wrong number?  Ok sorry.”  And then she hangs up.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  Imagine being some old lady who answered her phone and you end up hearing Ramona yelling at you about her Pinot Grigio?!  Some people have all the luck.

In the end the parties looked terrible and LuAnn’s daughters theme gave me a seizure.  I just came to.  Or is it I just came too?  Like also?  Not in this case.  I before E except after C?  Or is it accept after C?  Who can keep up with the English language? It’s quite the task.  Oh, and did you notice that the DJ at LuAnn’s party was her producer from “Money Can’t Buy You Class.”  Way to keep it in the family.  Apparently paying him with your mouth wasn’t enough.  The final strange part happened when Bobby confronted Simon at Avery’s party about some blogger who was talking smack about Jill and Bobby thought Simon was involved.  Apparently Bobby hates me because he said, “You know I hate bloggers.”  Well you know what Bobby?  We ain’t be none too fond of you either.  So you can take your slicked back strands and your Whitney Houston transition lenses back to the fabric store because we don’t need you.  However, still let me know what you think about the latkes.