Jun
17

Real Housewives of NYC Recap: All “The Olds” are Doing the Sexy

Posted by IBBB

Read More On: real housewives of new york city

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Welcome! This isn’t the Plaza Hotel, this is IBBB…things suck around here. Get used to it. For 7 days now Bravo has been throwing commercials at me like grenades talking about the “fallout from Morocco” so how come for the first 15 minutes of this snoozefest I’m forced to watch “the olds” get sexy with each other? First we have to watch Ramona sprinkle (cookies) rose petals all over some random hotel room whilst wearing some Valentine’s lingerie and starfish earrings so she can surprise Mario with sex on camera. Ole! Poor Ramona was sitting there blinking, squinting, and seizing waiting for Mario to show up and he ended up being late. I’m surprised he didn’t come stumbling in around 3am hammered with two Asian hookers on his arm from Chinatown. Once he finally did arrive he seemed as uncomfortable to be there as I was to watch this “scene” go down.

Within minutes Ramona is “telling Mario for the first time” about what the psychic said in Morocco, which really means that she briefed him on this scene before she produced it so that he could read the script and say how the only other woman in his life was Avery…and the two Asian hookers who do the $2 dollar sucky-sucky. I have to say, he wasn’t too convincing on the whole “I’m not cheating on you” case. But what the hell do I care? I just want to live in a world where Ramona is a fall down drunk. Things take a serious turn for the worse when Mario is shirtless and Ramona is pumping some oil all over him and rubbing him down (and for some reason pointing to his abs and calling them pecs)…and then she goes for the feet and that’s when I yell “I need an adult” and head on off to the bathroom so I can Shasta McNasty this entire segment out of mind, through my bum, and into the toilet where the idea for this scene first took place. Also, I truly believe Ramona has rabies.

I arrive back in front of the TV just in time to see Simon trying to get all sexy with Alex. I mean, come on, are there two people in this good old mundo who are as sexless as them? I’d rather watch a priest and a nun lick their lips to each other all whilst making their fingers in the shape of a circle with one hand and using the finger on their other hand to point towards the hole over and over again. I mean, I don’t really know what that means, but the point is that the thought of Alex and Simon getting sexy is more than any one of us should have to endure. They probably make Francois watch.

Simon ends up having a great surprise for Alex and for some reason he has these “gifts” placed on his body while he lays down on the floor and asks her to come into the room…and then he just stands up. Huh? Is this episode actually taking place or am I just having one of “my dreams” again? Apparently his gift to Alex is a basket of underpants and some lingerie for her to “model” for him. Let me tell you it’s all terrible. One of the lingerie pieces looked like a sexier version of a KKK outfit or something that the grandmother in The Walton’s would wear when it wasn’t that time of the month. At one point Simon just grabs her bony ass and I can actually feel both my penisitis and my nuts shoot up into my body…and then I pass out. I love how they’re not giving up on this whole “Alex is sexy this season” thing. Every piece of lingerie that she tried on and modeled consisted of her walking into the room with a glass of champagne…just like they teach you to do at the Sears Portrait Studio, Glamour Shots, Barbizon, and the like. Also, someone needs to tell Alex that flapjack boobs are out this season. However, bonus points for a few of these outfits as I could totally see her wearing that spread eagle in the hallway of her husbands hotel. Zing!

The rest of this crapisode is absolute filler. We quickly touch upon Sonja and her bankruptcy scandal while she’s getting a facial with her niece (who was kind of hot). The lady doing the facial (one of Mario’s Asian sluts, probably) is like, ‘I read about you in the paper…” Yeah, great way to up your tip. Why not just slap her in the face in the middle of the facial? Sonja is laughing while talking about how she doesn’t know how true the statements in the paper are and her lawyers are going to fill her in. Honestly, if it wasn’t for Sonja being all 6’s and 7’s I wouldn’t believe her, but I have to admit I completely think she had no clue how much money she owed or what she even signed or where she even is. More on this later.

The best part for me was when Sonja arrived at the facial place and handed her coat to her niece with the price tag still on it. She claimed she keeps the price tags on her clothes so she can always remember the great deal she got on them. Uh, sure. I’m almost certain I saw a security tag on her skirt with the busted ink running down her back. In fact, she even had the price tag on her skirt that she claimed she got years ago. I know a wise woman once said, “Money Can’t Buy You Class” but I’m pretty sure money can buy you clothes (oh yeah!).

Speaking of clothes, Jill brings Bobby to some place to get a hand made suit. I would talk about this part, but I have a new policy which states I’m not allowed to be interested in any scenes with both Jill and Bobby in them. Now, if she was making little tiny custom tuxedos for her clip on koala bears from Australia, well, that would be another story. So, in this case…moving on.

In more boring news, Sad Ross is back! Ok fine, it’s kind of exciting. LuAnn is so happy that Sad Ross is back because I’m sure it was exhausting being in Morocco for so long and having to do the coke all by yourself and sleep with random strangers and members of the camera crew (all allegedly and by “allegedly” I mean “totally made up like I’m one of those satire websites.”). Of course they go to a French restaurant because they need to remain as stereotypical as they possibly can throughout the entire season. LuAnn tells Sad Ross how happy she is to be back with him again and how thankful she is that he is…wait for it…wait for it….so funny. Yup, funny. Charlie Chuckles. Or as LuAnn would probably call him, “Sir Charles of the Chuckles Canal.” Suddenly they have some gross tender moment where she wants him to do his Indian impression and he starts speaking like Apu from The Simpsons. Legit, it’s like I’m on an acid trip. Now I finally understand why Bravo pulled the plug on this a few months ago and re-edited the whole thing. Had this aired in February as originally planned we’d all be forced to watch Sad Ross’ stand-up routine I’m sure. Also, this week they officially have the same hairdo and I believe it’s the same color. I hate them and me equally.

Oh, and Cindy is in this episode too, but for about 3 minutes. It’s some creepy scene with her brother and assistant and they’re looking through Cindy’s pictures from Morocco where they all learn that Sonja cut her out of all of them. Seriously, take it as a blessing. If only Sonja was in charge of editing this season, Cindy would be able to just go back to her successful business life and pretend none of this ever happened.

Meanwhile, Jill evidently stole the entire concept of “Spanx” and is trying to sell it under her own name now so she has all the girls (except Ramona and Kelly) come to a focus group on the same day her line launches so they can give her feedback. Really? She didn’t think of having the focus group before the line launched in case, you know, it sucked? It all looks like it itches, gives you perma-cameltoe, and will be sold in the Harriet Carter catalog. However, the most important part of this scene was how everyone was asking Sonja about her having to declare bankruptcy. I actually feel kind of bad for her. She looks like a hot mess these days, but I think she can still take steak, so that’s good. Although, they all keep saying that they read about her situation in the Wall Street Journal. Really? Had I known the Real Housewives was discussed in the WSJ maybe I would have renewed my subscription from my senior year of college when we were forced to subscribe to it for a class that I had and pretty much only went to on Monday’s and Wednesday’s because I was hungover every single Friday for 9 months out of the year. But enough about me.

Sonja keeps talking about how she pays all her bills, but she had some movie deal that “went south” and now everyone wants either $7 million or $19 million. Didn’t this have something to do with John Travolta? Someone fill me in because I’m over it at this point. All I know (alls I knows) is that Jill is all over Sonja’s grill about the $19 million and wants to know about every last nickle and dime. Shocking. Focus on your Spanx, Jill, and call it a day. Also, I hope those little clip on koala bears have their own Spanx because some of them looked a little chubby. Too much latkes.

In the end, Alex and LuAnn decide to meet up for lunch to discuss their faux-fight in Morocco. Of course LuAnn chooses a French restaurant. The place looks like a dungeon and LuAnn is dressed like Sinade O’Connor from the “Nothing Compares to You” video. This sh*t is so staged it’s legit turning into The Hills. Although, if this was The Hills you totally know that LuAnn would never be known as the girl who didn’t go to Paris. Anysquareteeth, they both sit there not sure who should start the fight first. Finally Alex brings up LuAnn’s behavior and LuAnn tells Alex that she was embarrassed for her in Morocco. Really? I was embarrassed for myself. This fight makes no sense and then LuAnn makes fun of Alex’s “Herman Munster” shoes from Morocco. You tell her LuAnn! Hit her where it hurts…in the shoes. Trash dump.

LuAnn actually ends up plugging her song a little because she tells Alex that she should have never got involved in the fight between her and Ramona and she actually says, and I quote, “it was none of your business, my friend.” I literally threw both of my fists up in the air and shouted out “Yes!” LuAnn says other winning lines during “the fight” too like, “You were bulling me in my salon” in reference to the 2×4 musty humid flea infested part of the riad where they got those dumb Henna tattoos. Finally, LuAnn gets up, tells Alex to get a life, and then says, “You remember what happens to the messenger” and then they just end the scene. What the F happens to the messenger?! Does the messenger become a late-in-life successful fashion model!? One may never know, my friend (oh yeah!).

27 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

Leslie Said,
Any scenes that involve Simon make me ill. Substitute the word “repulsive” for “sexy” and the point is made. And what is with her laugh? Not a giggle or a guffaw but the same sound Jack Lemmon made in “The Odd Couple” when clearing out his sinuses!

Mario and Ramona were bad enough trying to copy Tamra and Eddie but Alex and Simon had me close to goudging out my own eyeballs for relief. Talk about the “ick” factor!
giacomo Said,
Thank you for nailing LuAnn’s look in the fight! scene. At least she wasn’t doing her usual Wilma Flinstone thing (one shoulder dress, necklaces made out of boulders). And why didn’t Alex call her on the Wilma thing when the C went to the shoes???
- The only good thing about this was the single Kelly-psycho moment.
- IBBB, why the sadness for Sonja? Either she’s too stupid to live or outright lying.
- Cindy. QUIT. There is no reason for you to be near any of this, which you make painfully clear every freaking moment.
- I want to rub Mario’s feet with scented oil. I also want to be Sonja’s gynecologist.
- I would have died a happy man if the C had been jumped by a thug gang as she sauntered away from Le Dungeon and Alex.
- Last word: Alex. Alex. Are you not aware that all of these women think, since you didn’t marry money, that you should be scrubbing the toilets? Has this escaped you? How???
giacomo Said,
PS Yes!!! The C – sophisticated, worldly, Queen Shit – thinks that David Schwimmer doing a tragically bad racist Indian accent is a bon mot from the Algonquin Round Table? Can’t wait till she does the faux apology for the racism at the Reunion: “Ross isn’t racist at all. Really, now. He’s always gracious to 7-11 clerks, as am I. Besides, he’s a Jew.”
SnarkySmurf Said,
This whole season is so painfully contrived I feel my interest waning by the second. The sexy scenes (with cameras rolling) were horrifying. Last week’s episode, where the Countess flips because dinner was over an hour and a half ago, yet four of them have piping-hot full dinner dishes placed in front of them was just fake beyond belief. And Jill borrowing just the bottom half of Ramona’s bathing suit? Ew and gross. And not real anyways.
How many more episodes of this mind-waste are left?
SnarkySmurf Said,
This whole season is so painfully contrived I feel my interest waning by the second. The sexy scenes (with cameras rolling) were horrifying. Last week’s episode, where the Countess flips because dinner was over an hour and a half ago, yet four of them have piping-hot full dinner dishes placed in front of them was just fake beyond belief. And Jill borrowing just the bottom half of Ramona’s bathing suit? Ew and gross. And not real anyways.
How many more episodes of this mind-waste are left? Gack. Bluch.
IBBB Rocks! Said,
There is not enough bleach in the world to erase the images of those hags in their lingerie.

And you know that bitch Simon was thinking how much more fabulous he would look in Horseface’s sexy wear.

I bet Ramona was hoping Mario would fill her gentleman greeter with Pinot instead of his old man spunk.
SaraS Said,
I had to subscribe to the WSJ for a class, too. I was sort of surprised that’s the Real Housewive newspaper of choice.

I just had to fast forward the sexy scenes…I knew you would watch and recap it.
Jules Said,
Totally need to twitter bomb this recap.
Nika Said,
I’ve stop watching the RH’s, thank you for taking a steak for the team and recapping this scripted shithole for us. I would really like for LuAnn to be dropped off in the middle of the night in Navy bootcamp so she can ge given the blanket party she so rightly deserves. I’ll supply the oranges and rocks, the Navy recruits can supply the socks and blankets. We would all be doing our part to fight the war on terror!
MJ Said,
“One of the lingerie pieces looked like a sexier version of a KKK outfit or something that the grandmother in The Walton’s would wear when it wasn’t that time of the month. ”

Thank you that was so funny. I just kept thinking that Simon probably tried on all those undies before he gave them to Alex. I couldn’t get through the sexy parts last night, I had to turn it off. This season is terrible, I used to love this show what the hell did they do to it?
imperfect Said,
“I can actually feel both my penisitis and my nuts shoot up into my body…”
Now that’s funny.
B Said,
@Nika – I’ll join the Navy boot camp beat-up of Luann. I can’t stand her.
Simon creeps me out. I was so uncomfortable watching the sex scenes last night. Bravo, don’t do that to us again.
Lindsay Said,
I just couldn’t bare to watch this episode last night. I totally tried but those “sexy” scenes were just too much. Ramona was practically giving Mario whiplash while massaging him and Alex’s lingerie was HORRIBLE. She’s bow wow enough as is, don’t make it worse by throwing a doily on her and her terrible posture, minghia.

Cindy and her brother have totally had their own sexy party before. I bet he’s vagazzled. And the actual father of those twins.

And Jill… OMG… I understand why Bethenny dropped her. She’s so into everyone’s business to make herself feel better. But still, let me know what you think of the latkes.

The Countess is completely ridic. I felt like that Cat from RH of DC was a total bizznatch to her on WWHL, but now I think someone should send Cat flowers for putting that trite-ass Luann in her place! I’m so over it this season.

Somebody had better flip a table, have a mental breakdown, or uncover Luann’s real gender soon, or I just won’t be able to deal (and by that, I mean I’ll keep watching weekly and having nervous breakdowns of my own).

BLONK.
IBBB Rocks! Said,
The only thing that keeps me watching is the promise of somebody’s nutsack falling out so I can finally know for sure that most of those bitches are really men.

Oh, and that Simon will come out of the closet.

Talk about Christmas and your birthday rolled up in one! Ole!
dacabsarehere Said,
I read the blog, love it as always. However, I had to break out a dictionary to understand the large words in your comment section. Now I know how Kelly feels. Anyfluff, I feel so concerned for Ramona. We all know if Mario is in fact cheating Team dark-crotch is going to have a field day. Which is ironic enough seeing Countless got ditched by an elderly dude, Cindy Lou Joanie Jett dates dudes that appear to be on the sex offender registry, Kelly probably can’t remember if she was married and Jill, the only one who actually has a husband has no room to talk because legit, Bobbie looks like Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder and I’m beginning to wonder if he has a learning disability as he’s never aloud to complete a full thought. Oi vey, Team Pinot all the way.
dacabsarehere Said,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8soZ7Eth3fM

you totally know bobbie does this for Jill when they have “Sexy” time
dacabsarehere Said,
moderation suspended my video!!!! Lol
giacomo Said,
Next week: Hormona’s screeching Jill impersonation. At last, maybe something decent.
Lindsay, yes – there is a big-ass psycho-sexual thing going on with Completely Bare and Howie. Also, rather than the new Spanx, Jill should market the strap-on she uses nightly on Bobby.
murray Said,
i don’t care what anyone says, i find it refreshing and enduring that alex and simon can still getdown like two 17 year olds…there i said it.
Leslie Said,
How hard must the producers work in order to serve up Simon as someone other than Dame Edna?

Something tells me he even had a hand in “producing” those cringe worthy scenes while Alex “I Will Never Be Cindy Crawford” agreed to “model” those outfits for another stab at her “career” plans.

And what’s the deal with laying on the floor covered by the basket of panties and a bag of teddies? These two are the dumbest idiots onscreen next to Melissa and Joe.

The sad fact that they are better educated makes it worse.
giacomo Said,
Murray, I’m sorry, but that’s like admiring the determination and stamina of a pedophile who still hasn’t lost his zest for kids after his release. I’m old(er) and all for vivacity, but those two are just creepy. It was like stumbling into a West Virginia channel on X-tube. Or watching Wilma and Ross go at it. Or watching Hormona ride Mario’s foot. Or watching Sonja reach under her skirt AGAIN.
Lora Said,
The Plaza Hotel must be really fucking awesome. Apparently you can just go downstairs wrapped up in a robe or blankets or whatever, asking “What’s for dinner?” and get whatever you want when you want it. In “Mo-Roc-Co” they do things differently.

I vote the ladies stay in NYC next time and just vacation at the Plaza Hotel.
Lora Said,
sorry, my post was intended for the previous episode.
Trac3 Said,
Was I the only one who screamed out loud when Sonja was pulling up a pair of faux-Spanx under that sweaterdress, thinking she was probably doing it with no panties????
Angelus Said,
Even if shes in that age she looks really hot, she’s still a bomb!
kerry Said,
Alex. Who made her the arbiter for what everyone needs??
She somehow knows what Ramona needs, what Sonja needs . . what I need is for her to stop forcing those butt kicking/slapping scenes with her closeted husband.
I need her to realize that sometimes when people say her look is unique, that might not be positive and doesn’t qualify her to model.
And I also need her to provide Francois and her other child structure because they’re on the verge of turning into the type of kids I can imagine parents not wanting their children to invite over.
Katie Said,
LuAnn constantly presents me with the same old dilemma. I like her, I hate her, I like her, I hate her. Sometimes she is so reasonable and the only one even semi-in touch with reality, and other times she is Queen of the Hags. Why does she insist on bullying Alex like that? I get SO frustrated when I see the LuAnn/Alex scenes. Alex is pretending that she grew a sack this season, but whenever Bully LuAnn steps up to the plate, she just lets her steamroll over her. I would punch anyone for saying half the things LuAnn says to Alex, forget how much she interrupts her!

Also, I find it sadly hilarious that these women (woman) sign up for reality shows and expect to be able to keep their skeletons private. Sonja HAD to know that all her financial shit would go public, and her catch phrase about luxury in the opening credits just makes it even more sad.