03
Real Housewives of New York City: Money Can’t Buy You Well Behaved Camels (My Friend!)
Like a working whore at a gang bang, let’s dive right in. We pick up right where we left off from last week, which if you recall is when the psychic was telling Ramona that her husband basically is either banging some other chick or some other chick is trying to bang him. I mean, the whole situation is one giant cluster-sex because everyone is fighting over who gets to translate the horrible news from the psychic to Ramona. It was just like when me and my sister were little and we used to fight every Sunday morning over who got to take the tape off the Dunkin Donuts box. Don’t judge, it was a real thing.
The psychic and her magic carpet ride eyebrows is trying to tell Ramona that a woman is trying to get with Mario. Of course this is making Ramona twitch, blink, bug out her eyes, and shift herself all over her chair all whilst trying to convince everyone that she must be talking about her daughter as “the other woman.” Creeptastic! At one point she starts telling the psychic that she runs multiple businesses. She’s like, “LuAnn, tell her I run multiple businesses.” Bravo, Ramona, bravo. Even at a time like this she’s doing a full court press on her sales cycle. The odd part is that Sonja is taking this news the absolute worst. She’s literally crying. What a gong show. Everyone is trying to say that Sonja is either still having a hard time with her divorce or is really sad for Ramona. I’m sorry, is there a hidden option “C” which is, of course, “She’s 3 sheets to the wind and is experiencing beer tears.” Seriously, I’m sure she couldn’t give two Shasta McNasties about this news. She’d probably cry if the psychic told her that that they were bringing Empty Nest back to television only to cancel it again.
Once all the crazies disperse from the psychic reading, Ramona is talking to that one random chick at the party with the gray bangs telling her how LuAnn made a pass at Mario the first time she met him and basically told him that he could “do sex” with her if he wanted. Hey LuAnn, how’s ya skeletons? Meanwhile, Jill is yenta’ing it up and through the magic of subtitles we learn that people in “her crowd” tell her that Mario is, indeed, having an affair. That’s sweet of everyone to spill the means (I meant “beans”…typo, but I’m keeping it) while liquored up, mic’d up, and on camera. Sonja tries to comfort Ramona in her time of need by saying loving statements like, “Oh my God what if Mario leaves you after your daughter goes to college!?” She said it in the same way you would scream, “Run! The F’n house is on fire!” Good to see that Sonja isn’t experiencing any form of a drunken breakdown right before our very eyes. Ramona is nice enough to send a loving jab back to Sonja by saying, “Your husband was 70. My husband is my age. You married for money and I married for love.” Now would be the perfect time for Jill to just shout out, “You were spread-eagle in the hallway of your husbands hotel!” In fact, I think everyone should just shout that out at the most inappropriate time in front of a group of people and just see what happens. I, my friends, will practice this over the weekend.
The “next day” everyone is getting ready to head on out to the market. There are only two problems. First, everyone pretty much is succumbing to the idea of getting raped in an open air market. Second, for the next 10 minutes we’re all forced to listen to a fight about Sonja saving LuAnn a seat next to her in the minivan while LuAnn goes to drain her lizard. Apparently Cindy has had enough of Sonja’s pecking order and, like a modern day Rosa Parks, demands (I said demands!) to sit where LuAnn’s Solid Gold backup dancer purse is currently occupying. As soon as Cindy starts to mouth off in the minivan people start to disperse out of the van like it’s a clown car. And what’s even worse is the fact that I’m actually taking the time to think about the situation and side with Sonja since LuAnn did, in fact, ask her to please hold her seat for her while she pissed out the profits from Money Can’t Buy You Class. I hope each time LuAnn is done peeing, when she shakes her penis over the toilet she says, “Oh yeah!” or “My friend!” each and every time. I’m sure she says something and, well, that’s all that matters.
The fight about assigned seating continues in the open air market. For those of you questioning why other countries are willing to come to America and try to set their own nuts on fire whilst flying here to kill and terrorize as many Americans as possible, well, wonder no more! At this point I’d rather listen to Camile and Kyle fight about who said what about Kelsey not going to Hawaii for Christ sakes! Sorry Christ, didn’t mean to bring you into this. You have more important things to do. Anyway, while Sonja is literally terrified because she thinks she’s going to get a standard Rape-N-Rob whilst at the market, Jill has a strategy all of her own. You see, she’s wearing a legit fanny pack around her waist with her Hanes Husky t-shirt over it and, well, her face alone with keep the rapists at bay. Hey-oh! Oh, and something tells me that in her genuine leather fanny pack she has a few mints with lint on them, 2 troll dolls with rainbow colored hair, 3 clip on koala bears from Australia (sniff…sniff…that b*tch!), and two plastic containers of (you guessed it) some potato latkes.
After two days of fighting the “ladies” are ready for my favorite part of the entire crapisode/season: The camel rides! What joy this brought to my life. And I’m not kidding. Everyone except Sonja is going to ride a camel. Apparently she’s still shaken up from when she fell off the horse at Kelly’s. Clearly Alex has no idea what the desert is or what camels are because she’s literally dressed like she’s ready to train elephants at the circus. I’m pretty sure she’s wearing a traditional mans tie as well. Jill is dressed like Princess Jasmine, you know, if Princess Jasmine was from Queens. And then, well, then there’s LuAnn. She chooses the camel that goes all 6’s and 7’s about 5 minutes into the ride. Whilst the sun is setting in the desert her camel starts giving us traditional Ramona eyes and body jerks and is throwing LuAnn all around. She’s literally shouting “Whoa. Hey! Whoa! Ohhh!” No joke, I was waiting for her to be like, “Are you ready to rock-n-roll? My name’s LuAnn, as you know!” and then bust out into “Money Can’t Buy You Class” all while some tricky little Asian is throwing gang signs in the background. Damn it I loved that episode. Anytoe, the camel is going nuts and LuAnn is trying to take a moment to compose herself but the camel still keeps going to town. I’m pretty sure of 2 things. 1. The camel was trying to knock the “Countess” title off of LuAnn, physically. 2. LuAnn has a busted hymen. That’s just a fact. I’m not saying it’s because of the camel. I’m just saying it. And I feel better doing so.
LuAnn has to finally end up getting off the camel because it has Tourettes. They should have shot it right there in the desert. What the hell do I care? Meanwhile, Ramona’s camel probably had Pinto Grigio in two of its humps. Haha humps. And Jill was asking the dumbest questions to the tour guide like, “Is this the Sahara Desert?” and “Can camels hop?” I would have been like, “yes and yes.” Then I would have immediately taken a plane to NYC and slapped Gloria in the mouth. And she knows why.
At the end of their cameltoe riding ceremony, LuAnn had a surprise for them which was a white tent in the middle of the desert. Great. How are they going to get back? I mean, I read the Alchemist and, well, someone’s getting killed for sure. They’re all sitting around the table playing a wonderful game of “I bet you didn’t know this about me.” What fun. Everyone is stupid. Sonja goes on and on for about 10 minutes that no one knows that she takes baths and does yoga. Fail. Then everyone gives Alex crap for telling everyone that her dad had Alzheimer’s and died when she was 11 years old. They’re like, way to bring down the party. Oh, I’m sorry did a conversation of meaning bother any of you? No, no, really, let’s get back to Bobby’s feet please! Trash bags. Cindy is ready to shoot the place up because everyone is talking over everyone else and she can’t take another second of it. I can’t take her constant head bobbing, but you don’t hear me complaining do you? Oh, wait. And Sonja really needs to cool it during her one on one interviews about her worldly travels. This time around she’s telling us that she was asked to come to the Saudi Arabian Palace during the first war the US had with them for some reason. Yeah, they just wanted to shoot you on sand, Sonja, not have tea. There’s a difference.
The rest of the episode is pretty pointless until the fight between Ramona and Jill takes place. I mean, sure, we got to experience Ramona and Sonja having a case of projectile explosive diarrhea before they went to the Turkish bath but, come on, how many sh*t jokes can we really make? 10? 34? Who can keep up? I’m not sure why the two of them would decide to wear all white after basically pissing out of their a** all morning, but who am I to judge? I don’t know if I would be in the same pool as Ramona and her skidmarks, but maybe that’s the kind of thing that doesn’t bother you. The Countess must have an etiquette rule about diarrhea and swimming and the like in her book. Someone read it to me?
In the end Jill and Ramona have a very highly produced and set up scene where they’re going to discuss the issues that they each have with each other and they’re going to do it in full hair and makeup and with lighting that is just appropriate enough for women their age. Honestly, I can’t even imagine trying to have a legit argument with Ramona. I don’t even think it’s even humanly possible. I think her brain can’t process it. I thought this “fight” was going to be good, but all they really end up doing is talking about that dumb wedding from the first crapisode and, once again, are bringing up the fight with Betheny and Ramona kicking Jill and Bobby off scary island from last season. Yawneroo! I thought Jill was going to bring up Ramona’s drinking, but no dice. I have to admit that Ramona was staying pretty calm and cool and Jill was getting all loud, negative, and nasty. The “fight” really goes nowhere and Jill is blaming Ramona for Betheny and Jill not being able to make up. Jill ends up leaving the room and Ramona falls on the bed and starts doing some awkward shaking cry all whilst posing like she was one of Barker’s Beauties. Jill, on the other hand, is saying that she needs to call Bobby because she thinks she’s having a heart attack. I think that’s code word for, “I’m getting face work done once we wrap this season.”
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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mamacourt Said,
This was spot-on. Thank you for the early morning laughs. My kids think I’m drunk, I’m laughing so hard, and who knows? I may be. I love me some Pinot Grigio!
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giacomo Said,
The real joy of the show, as you emphasize, is switching all the time from which one of these imbecilic gals is currently taking the prize for Queen Douche. And it happens SO FAST.
My query: why is Cindy anywhere around here, except to generate more bikini waxes at her eight female mutilation spas? Is it me, or is it kind of plain that she seethingly dislikes every one of these awful broads?
Hurry, Monday. Can’t wait to see if Kim G’s ploy of sending her son in a jockstrap to Andy will get her a real placement. -
Joanna Said,
Half the time I find myself agreeing with Cindy, but the other half the time I wonder why on earth she decided to be on this show. She appears to hate everyone and does not know when to let little, inconsequential things go (aka the hangers and seat saving). I don’t get her.
Ramona is awful. She contradicts herself on the regular and is the WORST at interrupting people, which is my pet peeve. Also, I laughed out loud when Jill walked into her room and she had weird busts with necklaces draped all them on her dresser like a low class jewelry store.
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Mandy Said,
You didn’t mention… After Ramona was told the bad news about her husband from the seer, she went to talk to Sonja. Before they sat down, Sonja was waving her arms behind her and said, “Whoo, sorry, I have bad gas.” Sonja farted.
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Nika Said,
Jill blames Ramoner for her breakup with B, but when Ramoner tried to get them to talk Jill said she didn’t have her notes and they were ambushing her! Jill is just mad she couldn’t jew her way into B’s new life and be apart of her spin off. Ramoner should have said “ho have a seat \_”.
Everytime I see Cindy I wonder if she can take steak now? I hope her business is booming because of the show, otherwise it’s really pointless for her to be here.
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jenny b Said,
Now would be the perfect time for Jill to just shout out, “You were spread-eagle in the hallway of your husbands hotel!”
Great idea! In fact, the next time my Spanish teacher asks me to translate “Nadie ha muerto de demasiada la tarea” I’ll just yell “you were spread eagle in the hallway of your husbands hotel!!!” Then, when she tries to expel me, I’ll just claim its all a dream… within a dream…. within a dream, just like Inception.
IBBB, you always give me the most wonderful ideas! -
SnarkySmurf Said,
Hilarious recap Patrick! I love your pics with the comment bubbles especially! You catch the best clips.
Andy’s after show with Sandra Bernhard and Sonja was THE BEST! Sandra totally snarked all over Sonja’s “I’m the queen of the world” bit and put her soundly back in her place. Bravo Sandra!! And her imitation of her fellow Jewess Jill’s “I’m gonna have a heart attack!” won over my gentile heart completely.
I think Sonja’s was basically saying she doesn’t have a life outside the show during the “great reveal” segment. I was like, “Hey! I do laundry and meditate and read all day too! Because I HAVE NO LIFE!” I however, would never fart in the middle of a party. Especially after eating Moroccan spices all week.
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DiDi Said,
Once again the BEST recap ever!!! However I am disappointed that Sonja’s farting wasn’t touched upon. When that happened I literally fell off the couch (no it wasn’t puffy leather) with laughter telling my husband “oh lord Patrick is going to have a cow”. I just decided that it was so unbelieveable that Patrick just smooth wipe it out of his memory so as not to go insane which we all wouldn’t want since I don’t think they let you have computers in the looney bin.
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Joanna Said,
A few people already mentioned the gas comment from Sonja, which was horrifying, but a couple other things I am surprised you din’t mention:
-Alex trying to “sexy Skype” with Simon (something about not wearing a bra??)
-Alex’s ill fitting blue sequined shorts with white stars on the ass -
joan Said,
LuAnn has a busted hymen….hahahahaha!!!!! I told my mom mine was from riding a bike…
Superb as usual Patrick!
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Daria Said,
I actually watched the show last – usually I just take your word for it – but I did not want to miss Sandra Bernhard on Watch What Happens afterwards. I just LOVE when Andy has real “real” people on rather than “faux” real people. They bring a jolt of much-needed perspective back into these insane scenarios. Why oh why did anyone think it would be a good idea to send these broads on a Moroccan death march? Everyone hates each other and if they are not bitching about each other behind everyone’s back they do it head on … continuously … doggedly (woof woof) … ruthlessly (I wonder where Ruth is) ,.. countlessly (Luann). (Some of that was for the Fireside Theater fans who may still be alive – look it up,)
Don’t get me wrong I love it when they have at it, but lord can we get a little bit of interesting conversation and sweet talk in between. Otherwise it is just one long drawn out bitch fest. Now back to Sandra, her disgust with “Son-juh” was hysterical. You could tell she wanted to go off on her but was trying to control herself. My favorite line is when she asked Sonja if something Sonja said was an example of her “lifestyle suggestions”. “If so” she said, “then sign me up!” Bravo, please ditch Cindy and add Sandra. She’d have them all mainlining Pinot before the night is up! -
julie Said,
Solid gold backup dancer purse. Too funny.
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@tweatcyn Said,
Save the seat while LuMann drains her lizard- Too F’ng funny. I have to choke back guffaws while I read you at work.
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Ximena Said,
somores! nope, not s’mores…SOMORES
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Synda Said,
Am I the only one who likes Cindy? She looks like she is caught up in a nightmare.
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giacomo Said,
After a million seasons, isn’t it kind of clear that, if these tired morons aren’t actively hating each other, they have absolutely nothing to talk about? Every show, there’s a desperate cry to just have fun, “celebrate” who they are (!), etc. Which translates to 2 minutes of awkward, stupid double-face kisses and mutual remarks on how great they look. From there, they got NOWHERE to go.
Sorry to be a buzzkill. I still watch. It’s just getting harder.
PS Smart money is that Mario is doing either Simon from the OC or Bethanny’s gloriously gay Jason. -
giacomo Said,
(I’ll shut up, I promise.)
Please, God, PLEASE – let the reunion devote serious time to LuAnn’s watching the clip of R imitating her slutty come-on to Mario! -
Tara Said,
besides you, since WHEN did Andy Cohen become literally the coolest person EVER?
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Kat79 Said,
I’m I the only one not buying Sonja and her “time of the month” hw old is she. I would have thought she was menopausal but I could be wrong. She just brings it up so often like she’s trying to make a point that she is still yung enough to have her period.
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Leslie Said,
For once January Jones is not the worst actress on the planet. Take a look at the “acting” coming forth from this awful crew of failed thespians and you will know why.
Ramona and Jill’s screaming match was about as convincing as Cindy’s outrage over the seating arrangements in the van. Does it get any less authentic than these idiots pretending to take offense at the slightest thing?
And is there anyone less relevant to this show than Alex? The “skyping” scene with Her Royal Highness, Simone, was so contrived in order to shore up some face time that it was embarassing to watch.
The only thing worthwhile about these “Housewives” show is the hilarious recaps which sticks a pin in the bubble of “reality” by making us laugh out loud of the insipid storylines woven around these losers.
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iamnouveauriche Said,
you need to start watching geordie shore!!!
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That's what she Said,
I think Jill also had traveler’s checks, a disposable camera, bobby pins and Love’s Baby Soft in her fanny pack.
Also, LuAnn’s camel was just trying to get her to cast him in the “Money Can’t Buy You Class” video as a back up dancer. Ohhh look at ME LuAnn…Watch how I dance in the hot sun…
May all your latkes take steak!
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anonymous Said,
I really think the housewives were doing a take on the Sex and The City 2 Movie …Unbelievable. Both the movie and the horrible attitudes of the housewives were horrible.
Also, I have a feeling that it will come out that Ramona’s hubby is cheating on her. He always looks amused when he is near her like he has a secret joke that he is amused by. -
Brooke Said,
I’m so bummed you’re not recrapping RHOC – did you see the finale??? The last 5 minutes were beyond. How about a special, one time recrap? Pleeease.
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Synda Said,
So agree with you, Brooke. Quinn’s wig alone is worth a re-cap.
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Brooke Said,
I forgot about Quinn and the wig!!! WTF!?
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Synda Said,
Brooke, so glad you agree on Quinn’s wig. WTF indeedy. And THEN….the white trash lady who got wine thrown on her by Jeanna asked to borrow it!
And Vicki, poor Vicki, with her little piggy nose….soooo upset over her upcoming divorce, yet somehow pulls it together to go downstairs and watch Tamra turn into a rat. RIGHT BEFORE OUR EYES…she transformed into a rat. -
Kiera Said,
The ass pissing part of the show reminded me of the Bridesmaids movie. I wish we got to see Ramona hunker down and blow a shadoobie right in the center of that bath house. That would be priceless.
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Kiera Said,
Jeanna getting an eyeful of red wine was hilarious. I replayed that one in slow-motion.
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giacomo Said,
Rerun time. Yes, Bravo occasionally re-airs episodes. Occasionally.
Can they just cut right to the reunion? How priceless will it be when Alex confronts her new BFF Jill about the low-society thing from the wedding? How can Jill forget that Alex’s husband once was a hotel manager and now runs a social networking site?
Re Kelly Killarney Bensimon…my theory is, before each season, they lay out the rules. “Kel, you really lost your shit last year, so you be the sane one this season. Sonja, you were very sweet last go-round, so we need to see what a dumb-ass, vacuous, aging whore you can be in ‘11, OK?” -
Brooke Said,
Synda – did you like Tamra’s take on the fight? “She threatened violence!!” Well yeah, after you threw pieces of paper in her face from about 3 inches away. Kinda takes away from her whole “Simon abused me” arguement, huh?
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Synda Said,
@ Brooke…and Tamra kept embellishing the story as the night went on. I think she is scared she could be sued. I can picture Simon grinning in delight as he watched that scene unfold.
