Real Housewives of New York City: No Wire Hangers…EVER!

Similar to these middle-aged women (woman) on a trip overseas I too was traveling last night, so I shall be recapping this from memory without the luxuries of things like my DVR or a keg. Let’s see how this goes.

Let’s just call it like it is. I have no idea where in the holy hell Morocco is. I first assumed it was left of Texas, but now I’m thinking it’s not in the continental United States. I knew I should have paid more attention during Social Studies, but I couldn’t make it past the chapters about Harriet Tubman. Needless to say, everyone is going to this fictitious place called Morocco. If you ever wanted to know what it would have been like if Bravo was in charge of an Aladdin remake well wonder no more. Jill, of course, would be Abu. Anylatkes, the women are flying over in shifts because even the airlines don’t want to deal with them all at once. And you totally know that when Jill made it through customs and they stamped her passport she gave them one of those matted down clip on koala bears and, of course, a plastic container of potato latkes.

Why is LuAnn all about Morocco? If you’re like me your best guess is that her song “Money Can’t Buy You Class” must have gone triple platinum over there and she’s probably touring adobe huts on the weekends. And how is she already in traditional Moroccan garb? More importantly, where is Sad Ross? You’d think that it would be the perfect opportunity to hunt down Marcel. The place they’re staying at, I believe, is the same place that Brad Pitt stayed at…according to LuAnn. Really? Was it just me or did it kinda look like the apartment complex that Danielson and his mother lived in during Karate Kid, except painted pink and yellow? I didn’t think it looked that extravagant but then again what do I know, I thought money could indeed buy you class.

Finally the fun is about to begin because “the blonds” are now on the plane and heading over to meet up with the dark haired women.  As if I couldn’t love Ramona any more than I do she is totally freaked out about where she is going.  In a close second is Sonja who pretty much thinks she’s going to get gang raped from the moment she gets off the plane to the moment she gets back on.  Oh and Alex is there too.  Looks like she’ll have to find a little more than just “her voice” to get some more camera time.  And, as she is the “professional model” she is the most likely to get diddled by the locals.  I’m sure they’ve never seen a real live model before and they won’t be able to keep their dingleberry in their pants.

Since she’s such a good planner, Ramona has already sent her list of demands over to the staff which includes bottles of Pinot Creepio, 600 thread count sheets, hangers, someone to unpack for her, and 2lb dumbbells.  That all makes sense.  At first I thought, “hangers?” as something trivial but we’ll all soon realize just how important these hangers are.  After making fun of everything they’re seeing on the mini-van ride over to “the estate” and completely stereotyping every single person on the side of the road (although in their defense I’m pretty sure it wasn’t just a stereotype)  they finally have arrived.  Sonja, however, is terrified that someone is going to steal her luggage as soon as they walk into the house.  In fact, she actually leaves the house to go back and make sure the luggage is still there and that the van driver knows that she’s watching him.  Also, Sonja is broke right?  So she can drop the act that she stays in palaces all around the world.

As soon as Ramona, Sonja, and Alex make it inside the house they want to unpack and by “they” I mean “the staff.”  At first I was wondering why Ramona required assistance for this, but then after I saw that she packed about 7 suitcases I understood…as  she actually had one suitcase not only filled with her cheap jewelry, but she even brought jewelry stands so she could display it all on her nightstand.  Not for nothing but “the maid” looked like she was about to punch Ramona in her overly Botox’d neck.  And then…it happens.  Cindy makes it into the house and noticed that her…wait for it….wait for it…hangers are missing.  She wants to know who “stole” her hangers and thinks that Ramona and her clan is responsible.  Cindy passive aggressively takes some jabs at Ramona and Sonja about this and as soon as she walks down about 2 steps they start talking trash about Cindy.  I mean, in their defense they did wait until she turned around.  It’s not like she was looking at them when they were saying she was just trying to start trouble.  They have class and manors and are ladies of leisure. Plus, who would steal stuff in Morocco?  I heard if you steal an apple from the “open air” market they’ll cut your hand off.  Riff-raff, street rat, I don’t buy that.  Just a little scrap guys….

Meanwhile, outside the rest of the girls are now discussing Sonja’s finances and to my surprise this discussion was initiated by Kelly.  Finally, she’s interesting again!  Kelly is saying that Sonja’s apartment is actually her ex-husbands and is dirty and disorganized every time she’s over there.  How come no one is mentioning that Sonja only now wears yoga clothes when she’s out?  I think that signals more of a poverty situation than a dirty mansion.  The  next time they show her place I’ll be sure to pause it and look for the puffy leather couch.  Oh, and LuAnn looks so mortified that Kelly is discussing Sonja’s finances that she can barely even speak French right now!

Then things get a little creepy…or should I say creepier?  Ramona and Sonja decide to not meet the rest of the girls for lunch because they say they’re tired so they’re going to go for a ride instead.  Huh?  At one point Ramona actually says to LuAnn that she thinks the movement of the car will help her fall asleep.  Who the hell is going to be driving?!  And they don’t even end up showing what in the hell Ramona and Sonja did during their private adventure.  Were cameras not there?  Let’s all just assume they were going on a coke run.  I’m surprised LuAnn didn’t want to go (insert awkward sideways winky face here).

I honestly have no idea what’s going on right now.  The rest of the girls go  to some market-type-place where they go into some form of a Moroccan Zarin Fabrics place and run into Jill’s friend Brad who’s having a birthday party that night and is inviting them all to go.  Seriously, are they even in Morocco or just on some sound-stage in NYC?  Once they get back to the house Ramona and Sonja are already there, trashed, and running around in bathrobes with curlers in their hair.  Was I actually watching this or dreaming it?  At one point while they’re getting dressed, Sonja asks Ramona if she has any extra “feminine hygiene” products to which Ramona responds by asking her if she wants to borrow any shoes.  Yes, that’s exactly what she’s requesting.  A shoe for her gentlemen greeter.

I know all of “the America” is probably hanging their head in shame over Ramona’s behavior, but I have to admit that ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!  I’m making it a new goal of mine to travel to a foreign country with Ramona.  Chalk it up on my Fucket List.  Ramona’s drunken antics get worse (or better in my case) when LuAnn brings a surprise guest to the house which is allegedly the most famous fashion designer in all of Morocco.  How nice.  Why do I have a feeling that if you own a sewing machine you actually become the most famous fashion designer in all of Morocco by default?  Anypinot, he’s there to make them caftans like they sell to white trash women in the Harriet Carter Catalog and Ramona, of course, is telling the designer exactly how she wants hers to look.  Apparently she wants to show a little cleavage in her caftan.  I think I speak for everyone when I say “yes please!”  I think Ramona should then model the caftan by walking down a mock runway like she’s possessed by the devil and her eyes are trying to escape from their respective sockets.

In the end, all the girls make it to Brad’s party which is actually at a bed-and-breakfast and not his own personal house like he made everyone believe.  Either way, everyone is having a nice time, including Jill who is draped in snakes.  Did anyone else notice that in some of Jill’s one on one interviews towards the end of this episode consisted of her  with her new face and hair slicked back?  My guess is that they filmed some of these interview more recently and after the editing machine went to town on this season.  Oh, and Sonja is about 16 sheets to the wind at this point.  I’m adding her to my Fucket List as well.  “Knocking off a 30 pack with Sonja Morgan.”  Brad ends up having a fortune teller come to the party but “her” face is covered by black silk so my guess is that it’s really just Andy Cohen in disguise.  The fortune teller needs a translator and so it’s LuAnn and Kelly to the rescue because they speak French.  Once again, huh?  Clearly I know nothing about what goes on in the world outside my NYC apartment.  When it’s finally Ramona’s turn the fortune teller tells her basically that her husband is cheating on her.  This news is so alarming that Kelly needs to leave the room and won’t tell Ramona what the fortune teller just said.  LuAnn, of course, has no problem breaking the news to Ramona.  And this is where we experience the “Who’s the Boss?” dramatic “…to be continued…”

Overall the episode was decent, but mainly because Ramona and Sonja were drunk the whole time and thank God for that because if not we’ would have been be stuck watching 60 minutes of LuAnn instructing us how a hostess takes care of her guests.  Once again, if Ramona quits drinking I quit life.