Real Housewives of NYC: With Special Guest Appearance from the Bruise on Sonja’s Ass

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Time for another crapisode of the Real Housewives of New York City. And if it’s time for another episode it must be time for some more “modeling exposure” for Ramona. I’m not going to lie, I could watch Ramona walk down a runway or “pose” during a photo shoot all the live-long day. Well, that’s partially a lie as I usually work on the railroad all the live-long day, but in the non-railroad working portions of my life, I’d watch Ramona model.

Ramona thinks that if people are buying her products they’re going to want to see pictures of her on them so she’s trying to to a typical Tyra Banks smize, but it seldom works out. Each freeze-frame is more brilliant than the next as Ramona permanently has the expression of someone who has just witnessed a nun flashing them their breasts. Yeah, so, like that. And she gets pissed when she sees the pictures of her eyes all bugged out. Are you kidding me? I’m not joking, I would spend upwards of $1000 on Ramona Creepio wine if the label on each bottle was just her crazy eyes…and I wouldn’t even drink any of it, I’d just line them up all around my apartment so that Ramona’s eyes were following me just like my sister’s Michael Jackson Thriller poster did circa 1985 (you know, when I was negative 5 years old?). Luckily Sonja has walked on set to help calm Ramona and talk complete nonsense the entire time. I think it’s a personal goal that Sonja has, which is to be in as many scenes as she possible can. She should have a judge from Guiness with her at all times holding a stop watch and taking copious notes.

I also love how this season Jill “Fievel Mousekewitz” Zarin is trying her hardest not too look like a big b*tch on camera. She’s really committing to her role of “not horrible.” For some inexplicable reason Cindy invites Jill over to her home so that she can sit on top of the middle of her counter and look down on Jill whilst she eats. The second Jill walks into her apartment she doesn’t even look Cindy in the eye, but quickly takes a survey of everything inside. I’m sure she was scouting for clip-on Koala bears and if she had any potato latkes laying around (let me know what you think of the latkes). I have to admit that I do like how Jill called out (during her one on one interview) how Cindy is tired from having two babies and has to hear the nannies getting up in the middle of the night to tend to the crying children. Oh Fievel, sometimes you speak fits of truth. Meanwhile, Cindy must have borrowed Alex’s balls this episode because she’s quickly talking smack about our poor little Ramona and how she “has a bad core.” Jill is just about to squeal with delight over the negative spotlight shining over someone else who isn’t her for a change. She keeps looking off to the producers and the camera man like, “You’re getting this, right?” But in typical Jill fashion she yetta’s it up by planting the seeds to Cindy on how no one ever tells Ramona what they really think of her, but if she were to start telling other people her thoughts on Ramona than Jill suspects that other people will join in on the Ramona hate too. To quote Kelly Bensimone from the RHONYC Reunion Episode 3 of 3, “It’s called systematic bullying.” And like Bobby Zarin, Jill’s jealously rears its ugly head.

I wonder if damn Francois is playing that God damn piano? Moving on.

Later Jill and LuAnn head off to the costume shop to look for flammable clothes to wear for a costume party that Sonja is throwing for the cameras no reason at all.  I’ve decided that if LuAnn isn’t singing she’s basically pointless.  She’s trying on costumes and yelling out lines from movies.  For example, she tries on a red dress and Jill awkwardly says, “Oh Scarlett” to which LuAnn responds back in a French/British accent, “Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn.”  Bravo, stupid.  It’s like just sing us Chic C’est La Vie and get on with it.  And minutes later Jill is trying to pour herself into some crapbag dress and she’s constantly trying to adjust her new smaller boobs.  Come on Jill.  Really.  If I wanted to see middle-aged women with their saggy boobs flopping around I’d put on Dancing With the Stars.  Hey-oh!  I don’t even know what that means!

Since this is Sonja’s party she doesn’t want to be outdone by any of her guests so she invites over some fat dude who made it into the finals on some fashion reality show and see if he can glue other wigs to her wig.  At least I think that’s what was going on.  All I know is that she wants to wear some costume that she has that looks like she got on sale at iParty on November 1st and barely will cover her gentlemen greeter.  Oh, and she keeps trying to convince us that she has all these assistants.  There is that dude again who brings her tea when she calls for him and apparently he also gets her mail and picks up her dresses for her when she needs him to because, you know, opening up the mail is clearly a full-time job…especially if Sonja is as broke as I’m reading she is…then I’m sure the “final notice” letters she’s receiving are certainly piling up.

I forgot to mention that we get to meet the baby-daddy of Cindy’s twins.  Creeptastic.  There is something weird between him and Cindy’s brother.  I’m sure they’re all related.  And, not for nothing, I know I don’t have kids but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to let newborns hang upside down.  Eh, what do I know?

Well it’s finally time for the party and guess who forgot to put on her underpants?  Sonja.  Go figure.  Like I say each week Sonja knows what she’s doing and is completely producing all of her own scenes down to every last line and reaction.  This time around she’s bringing her niece who may or may not be Megan McCain.  I’m thinking “may.”  Sadly, LuAnn can’t make the party because she’s feeling under the weather.  I’m sure Sad Ross is really on the brink of throwing himself off the Statue of Liberty and she just wants to get banged within an inch of her life.  The party must go on, however, and it does.

The creepy fiesta is held at Sonja’s favorite place Cipriani in what I can only assume is the back room or the coat closet.  And the costumes all suck, except for Alex’s costume and let’s just assume that she sold one of her brats to pay for it.  Although maybe her Barbizon money is finally starting to come in.  One may never know.  Jill looks like Lois Griffin from one of the “Medieval Times” episodes.  Kelly just hot-glue-gunned vagina sparkles all over her eyes and Ramona and Mario just wore formal dinner outfits with masks.  Way to go all out.  Jill is pissed over how small the place was, how bad the costumes were, and how there was hardly any food, but plenty of booze.  Why doesn’t Jill drink?  She totally should.  I think it would make her more likable and even prettier.  Just me?

The highlight, of course, of the party was when Sonja kept bending over with her entire ass hanging out and yelling, “I forgot half my costume!”  Scratch that (literally). I think the highlight of all of that was when she bent over and we could all see the giant purple bruise on her ass.  Perfect.  Why do I have visions of Sonja standing naked in front of a mirror sideways crying, punching herself in the ass, and screaming “You’re nothing but a poor b*tch” over and over again?

The “next day”  Cindy brings Jill with her to get new teeth.  Yes, my friends, this something you being a pal along for.  I guess Cindy wasn’t sure what kind of teeth she wanted and Jill was able to provide her with many examples of how many teeth she should have in her mouth.  She’s good like that.  At one point the dentist said something along the lines of “If you do it like that you’ll look horsier.”  He didn’t say you will look like a horse, he said that you’ll look horsier meaning even more like a horse.  I have to say, this dentists style of humor is right up my blackened heart alley.  Personally I think everyone should get teeth work done.  If you can’t afford braces just take a hammer to your mouth and get fakes ones.  We don’t need to live in a world where snaggle tooth still exists.  I believe Mother Theresa said that whilst on the streets of Calcutta.

The remainder of the episode took a cue from the RHOBH where Kyle and Camille got into some fight over something that Kyle apparently said to Camille but the cameras never caught.  So to put an NYC spin on it, apparently at that wicked random wedding that they all went to at the beginning of the season Jill lashed out at the bride and asked her why she invited Simon and Alex and then started talking crap to the bride about Ramona.  However, none of this was captured on camera even though there was a camera crew at the wedding.  It’s like The Hills Script & Editing machine is in full effect.  That random bride ended up spilling the scripted beans to Ramona at her self promotion wine event and Ramona loses her mind.   I also feel like they’re setting this season up to make us think that Ramona is a big wino.  And you know what?  I’d be fine with that as I wouldn’t want to purchase my wine from anyone who doesn’t puke it up at the end of the night.

Once Jill arrives to the mid-day wine party, Ramona is a few glasses deep (and has already answered LuAnn’s 50,000 questions on how she made the wine, where the wine is made, blah blah blah, money can’t buy you class my friend, money can’t buy you class oh yeah!) and decides to pull Jill aside to confront her about what happened at the wedding.  Jill, per usual, gets defensive and denies that she ever said anything to the bride at the wedding.  Then she kinda snaps, tells Ramona that she has no class (LuAnn would agree in song form), and storms out of the wine party.  She ends up then confronting the bride about what happened and then makes her way back inside to let Ramona know that she already took care of the issue with the bride.  Over more arguing, they decide to possibly set up a lunch date to discuss the issues that they have with each other over the past 3 years.  Seriously, if any of this ends with Ramona giving up drinking I’m going to be pissed off and will probably shut this here blog down.

In the end, Jill is in the limo crying to LuAnn over what Ramona did to her and then the best thing that could ever happen in the history of the world happened.  Whilst Jill is crying and saying she’ll never be friends with Ramona again she opens up her purse and says to LuAnn (while crying, mind you), “Here and then next time you see Ramona give these to her!”  And it was the clip-on Koala bears that Jill brought back from Australia.  I mean, not only can you not make this sh*t up, but you can’t end the episode any better way than that! Ba da ba ba ba, I’m living it!

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