13
If You Don’t Try Harder, You’ll Never Meet Goal
My good people of Boston,
Something seems a little off lately in my wicked-pissah hometown and while I couldn’t necessarily put my finger on it (giggity), the drunken skanks over at Boston.com surely have figured it out and apparently the murder total is unusually low. Hmmm, unusually low? I, too, would have expected more brutal killings by this time of year. I mean, it only makes sense as the weather gets a little better and murderers are sure to be outside buying ice cream from the giant Pedophile Mobile and, you know, killing and junk.
Looking at the numbers alone it appears that murders are down almost 48% (See how I rounded up? Don’t worry, I still carried the Remainder 1). 48%? You know there’s nothing that pisses me off more than lazy murderers. It’s like, fine I’ll hand you the knife but you have to at least chase me before you slice me. I’m certainly not going to do it myself. I’m not an animal!
And now that murder is apparently a “fad” around the Boston area what has taken its place? Please don’t tell me armed robbery or “selling drugs to kids” is seeing a positive growth rate. I won’t stand for it. Armed robbery is so 1982 and “selling drugs to kids,” while a good long-term investment plan, isn’t as big of a deal as it used to be thanks to our friends “computer cleaner” and “AquaNet hairspray cans.”
I guess, overall, with more people back to work no one has time to kill anymore. It’s sad, really. First we see more traffic, more people on the trains, and now less murder? What a world. Either way, you better shape up Boston or soon you’ll have the reputation of Nebraska and, well, we don’t have enough room in our lives or land for drastic corn rumors.
Luke-Warm Regards,
IBBB
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Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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alwayssunny Said,
i think what we really need is an increase in our sports championship win related rioting. cars flipped and set on fire, windows being broken, kids getting punched in the face for no reason and then being pepper sprayed by cops. this is really diminishing lately and frankly i’m concerned. go bruins!
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SnarkySmurf Said,
Just so happens I’m heading down to Lynn now (for some fabrics!) I’ll see if I can rile some sh*t up while I’m there.
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Tara Said,
it’s a combination of I believe of increased depression, laziness, and of course….amazing television. it’s also possible, these murderers are HUGE fans of IBBB and just read really slowly on the stolen computers…they just don’t have the time?
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KittyKat Said,
I’d say murders are now taking out their aggression on puffy leather while watching shows about teenage mothers. You have done your part in bettering the world, IBBB.
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Suzie Q Said,
I think they moved to Las Vegas. That way they can play and slay all in the same day. They found a dancer in pieces in concrete, a woman buried in her backyard, A cab driver shot for some pennies and a mass robbery.
This tells me that the dancer got mouthy, the wife wouldn’t shut up, and the cab had a angry lesbian for a passenger. The mass robbery is still a mystery to me. 30 people run in to a convenient store grab all they want and run? Whatever its Vegas. It has to be when your major was part of the mob. -
Lisa Said,
hopefully someone (team) murders the Bruins.
signed,
your loyal Red Wings fan
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Little Suzy Said,
alwayssunny, i think first we would need an increase in our sports championship wins to facilitate, no? Or we could move on to sports playoff collapse related riots – all of the flipped cars, none of the joy?
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alwayssunny Said,
little suzy…exactly, we need more wins, hence the “go bruins”. they’re our only hope now that the celtics choked!
lisa…do i sense a little fear maybe?
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Lynn Said,
Lisa, alas no cup for HockeyTown this year, huh? About time that someone other than the Wings win it…
Little Suzy and alwayssunny, I agree that a Bruins Stanley Cup win most certainly would add to the murder rate, especially if it would happen before all the college kids left for the summer (a collossal collapse may also accomplish it, as well). I also feel the need for another parade to go past my office, I need an excuse to wear a Bruins shirt to the office…
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Claire Said,
Maybe next week they’ll post a new article with an estimation on when the murder rate for Boston (my hometown too) will be on the rise. You know, like they do every other week with the housing market.
