May
06

If These Chicks Would Have Cuddled, My Life Would Have No Meaning. None.

Posted by IBBB

Read More On: celebrity gossip

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The original cast of Teen Mom is the equivalent of the original cast of Real Housewives of New Jersey for me. In my eyes they can do no wrong. So when I saw this quick 30 second commercial (?) I punched myself in the nutsels until I spit out 2 pints of piping hot Pitocin. Then I puked over the side of my bed. Regardless, I was celebrating.

The main take away here (although there are many) is that Farrah, Catelynn, Maci, and Amber really wish that instead of getting pregnant they would have cuddled with their boyfriends instead. No really they said that. Cuddle. They wish they cuddled instead. Really? Ya do? ‘Cuz I’m pretty sure that money you’re banking right now sorta makes you wish you had twins.

Now let’s recap the video clip because, you know, I don’t have a hell of a lot else going on right now. First off, Catelynn is sporting a retainer across her top teeth in this video. Of course she is. At first glance I thought she tossed her braces back on. Apparently having them on for 10 yrs wasn’t enough time. And, let’s face it, if she did end up cuddling with Tyler I’m sure she would have gotten the bangs banged out of her from Snarlin’ Darlin’ behind the trailer whilst April chain smoked Misty 120’s and spit-shined her BMW.

Next up, we have Farrah. She’s such a treat even in simply 5 seconds. The way she’s gotten herself to look more like Slimey the Worm is beyond a gift from Jesus Claus and his own Teen Mom, Mary. Farrah’s such a b*tch even in the short amount of time she’s featured. She says, and I quote, “Because cuddling is better than going all the waaaaaaaay.” Seriously she sounds so pissed off by even entertaining this thought. I’m sure Debra was behind the camera like a stage mother trying to get Farrah to smile by using her court-ordered trash claw to snap at her. Most importantly, Farrah has nearly morphed into Miss Gulch (and you know it).

I’m surprised they didn’t save my favorite for the very end. Nope, Roseanne Amber is up next. And what in the holy hell is she even talking about?! She lifelessly says, “It would have been better just to relax.” Hahaha! Yes! What?! You totally know they got Amber there by saying she has to tell the camera ways that she could have avoided beating the ever-loving bag out of Gary. Now I’m not joking with this; I will give Amber $5,000 is she gets MTV to retape this entire commercial and instead she says, “It would have been better to just have ’sexy-danced’ the pants of Gar Bear.” Please! Please? Who’s with me! Also, Amber may or may not be on enough Vicodin to stop a charging rhino.

Similar to the actual show, we end with Maci. Yup. Not much to say there. I mean, I’m pretty sure Ryan actually did want to just cuddle and that’s what all his yawning is about. Plus, he probably didn’t feel like scrubbing orange spray-tan off his naughty blonk blonk at midnight. Where’s Bint-Lee?!

In the end, I think this message is terrible. Sure, the part about not having sex is fine. But, come on, cuddling? If they really wanted to get the message across Amber should have been like, “I wish I just gave a handy under the bleachers.” No joke, that might go on my t-shirt line and/or greeting card line I’m currently brainstorming.

Wanna cuddle with me? Join me awkwardly on my Facebook page!

40 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

Sara Said,
I can’t be the only one that died laughing when Catelynn, Farrah, and Amber promoted abstinence and said something along the lines of “Cuddling is better than sex” and then Maci came along and basically said, “If I had been informed, I STILL would have been having sex that night. Eff cuddling. But I guess I would have made him wear a condom. If we had time to put it on.”

Oh, that’s not what she said? That’s what I heard.

Vixen.
Nika Said,
What would have been great is if they all said “I wish I would have just swallowed” or how about “I wish we would have just stuck with anal” too much? Haha not enough, what about “I didn’t want to go past teabagging”. I bet all the teens at home watching this are thinking if they could just make it to 16 & Pregnant and then to Teen Mom, they too could be ballin just like these four. Bad tans, dye jobs, and horrible dental work be damned!
QueenofCorona Said,
If I were Macy and I went from dating Ryan (dick, but not hideous) to mud fence Kyle, I’d only want to cuddle too. I’d have to pull a Eddie…”Shhh…let me shotgun this bottle of Boone’s Farm and drink you hot,” kind of cuddle.
Claire Said,
What the hell happened to Farrah?! She now resembles the local “can man” where I live. All she needs is a few holes in that cardigan, a rickety DUI bike, and a trash bag filled with cans thrown over one shoulder while she rides with one hand along train tracks.
Felicity Said,
Miss Gulch – that is so true! Although, Miss Gulch probably only cuddled which is why she was such a bitch.
j3sS'cA Said,
Amber needs more vicoden.. She looks furious in that picture! That face also makes her look like a random tough guy at a club who’s about to nod his head and say “sup”.
Jenny Said,
Farrah looks awful! You were dead on with the comparisons of Slimey the worm and Ms. Gulch.
Kiera Said,
WTH happened to Farrah?
dacabsarehere Said,
LOLLLL @ enough vicodin to stop a charing rhino. I bet that make’s Gary happy to hear! I forgot how much Maci sounded like a hick-a-billy. Would of been better if April and Butch were in it … cuddling or chain-smoking and beating each other up. Either/or. I just miss them, a lot.
KittyKat Said,
C’mon next season of Teen Mom! I want my original trash bags back!!! I don’t have enough IBBB in my life at the moment and I can’t wait for this to change. Can the next PSA be against drugs and star Butch. Featuring the lady who was like, “Crack?” only to have Butchy proudly proclaim he does COCAINE and be proud. Class act.
alwayssunny Said,
the only kind of cuddling i like to do is when my gentleman greeter cuddles his chick stick sooo…thanks for nothing teen mom psa.
Mmmmmmmmmmmurdith Said,
I can’t wait to get April and Butch back. Just a couple of more months… I’m going through withdrawls.

And yeah, Fararah’s even more butt ugly than usual. She must have gotten herself a fancy plastic surgeon.
Katherine Said,
Farrah looks like a man in a cardigan.
I despise the word “cuddle.”
Judge Shecky Dorowitz Said,
That is the worst commercial ever. It makes me want to go get pregnant just so I have something to do besides watch that!!! But your recap, OF COURSE, makes it all worth it!!
UnicornPirate Said,
You know this whole absitinece bullshit is clearly not working. Perhaps if people started educating teens about oh, I don’t know FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL?! yeah, that might actually help. Amber is my birth control….Just keep putting that face on tv and no one will want to do it. Ever again. Ever.
Tara Said,
15 seconds? seriously, 15 seconds? i could listen to this in my car on the way to my work on an endless loop visualizing the entire season. The SEX didn’t even last 15 seconds. April Dukes of Hazzard roared up to that trash bag trailer faster than that. Cuddling my ass. Pulling out might have been a better option.
Meg Said,
Bravo to MTV’s wardrobe department. Put Crazy Amber in a sensible blazer and all is forgotten.

And I am pretty sure all her and Gary do is relax. If relax means sitting on the couch, not cleaning, drinking Big Gulps and being unemployed.
KittyKat Said,
Farrah is beginning to look more and more like Debra. Put her in an orange vest and slap a trash claw in that hand and it will be spot ON!
Lisa Said,
I also had to LOL that Maci didn’t mention the cuddling BS and basically said she’d still do it – just with protection.

I think if I saw Amber walking toward me on a sidewalk I’d cross the street. she looks downright scary in that picture.
Mary Said,
Sigh, you can’t “just cuddle” at that age. To quote a line from The Fixx, “One thing leads to another…”
La Mexicana Said,
Just cuddle? Really? Well in my house cuddling is what leads to the boinking! Yes, I am married to a caliente mexicano, and love him more for it! It’s like the wise Tori Spelling said on her show once… “Why when a girl wants to cuddle, a boy wants to poke her?” or something like that… These kids would have to saran wrap themselves from the waist down and zip tie their hands behind there back before they could “just cuddle.”
Claire Said,
It kills me that Amber said she wishes she just relaxed. Even with a baby, all she does is lay on her bed (when she’s not giving Gary a beatdown).
Shyt! "Cuddling" is how I got pregnant! Said,
Claire Said,
It kills me that Amber said she wishes she just relaxed. Even with a baby, all she does is lay on her bed (when she’s not giving Gary a beatdown).
____________________

I. Just. Can’t. I am laughing so hard that I have tears in my eyes.
I love you woman. You’ve brightened my day!
Farrah’s eyebrows are creepy.
Jazzy Said,
I nominate Claire, Meg, and alwayssunny for the ImRad Award!
QueenofCorona Said,
Farrah’s really looking like a pre-op tranny. She needs to get to mascaping those caterpillars on her forehead, pronto.
Eva Said,
Claire, you made me laugh for the first time today Thanks i needed that…
Eva Said,
Also Catelyns piercing looks like Roseanne’s mole in “She Devil”.
K Said,
Have to agree Amber looks like a total bitch. Farrah looks like major crap. I used to think she looks kind of pretty but now…EWW!
Samarie Said,
what the HELL is wrong with Farrah’s face?
Felicity Said,
OK, so I just realized that there are more than one of these on MTV’s website. Watch #3 – I get the feeling Amber’s ready to topple off her seat.
The Ashley Said,
I’ve got to give it to you, dude…you’re good. You’re one of the few writers that brings the LOL’s out of me (other than myself, of course haha) Permission to use Jesus Claus in daily life?

And yeah, I burst out laughing at Amber’s half-hearted “we should have just relaaaaaaxed.” Um…yeah because you clearly need to take a break from your hard, activity-filled life of going to Wal-Mart and eating at Cracker Barrell.
SnarkySmurf Said,
“I wish that me and my boyfriend…” Seriously, these girls have three sentence each for this info-safe-sex-mercial. MTV couldn’t have made the effort to ensure that they were at least grammatically correct?
Penelope Said,
BS you can’t just cuddle (even though I despise that word). These girls need a lesson from how we used to kick back in the 80s: a hand job in a movie theater while he sweatily feels you up (and is glad to get both). This “I don’t/won’t wear a condom” attitude positively baffles me. Like Roseanne famously said, want birth control? Think of a screaming brat with a loaded diaper.
SnarkySmurf Said,
Oooh I just noticed I made a spelling mistake within my snark on the grammar. Shit!
Bushy Brows Said,
So the eyebrow situations are bad all around in this spot, but Farrah’s look like those sported by Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest. And yes, I know I just dated myself
julie Said,
WTF happened to the girls? They all look about 15 years older and 10x more miserable. Except Caitlynn- she looks as awful today as she did when she first showed off her bowl-hair cut and metal mouth on 16 &preggo

Also, how did they get Amber to sit there and “work” for more than 30 seconds whilst looking so pissed off? Maybe they placed gary behind the camera, holding a lambchop, and told her she could beat gary up and then have the lambchop if she would just say 3 sentences. Kinda like holding a carrot in front of a horse to get it to walk…
Long time IBBB fan Said,
Sara- I thought the EXACT same thing. =)
Suzie Q Said,
Amber looks like she wants to kick our ass for her being stupid and not just relaxing.
Some people relax by getting off dumb ass.
Kaitlyn looks like she swallows now. At least she learned something.
Farrah OUCH what The F pop happen to her face?
Maci looks like a robot. Sit. Roll over. Oh look shes a puppy now.
Tracy Said,
@La Mexicana-

Oh my god, who knew Tori Spelling was so wise?? I know I was thinking the whole time, oh for sure mtv! We all know boys that age just loooooove to cuddle.

And agreed with everyone as to WTF happened to Farrah?? Girlfriend needs some BANGS, like immediately. And of course I mean the forehead kind of bangs, not the bangs that brought her to us in the first place.
SimplySarah Said,
“Going all the weeeeey”