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Audrina Recap: Lynn, My Temporary Barb Evans
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Programming Note: IBBB decided to take a break from Real Housewives of OC recaps, as Peggy’s penis scares me. Plus, we still have RHONY and don’t forget Real Housewives of New Jersey starts next month, so stay calm. I thought I’d give Oddy Pats a try and see how it goes.
It was only a matter of time before Teefs Pats came back from the dead (behind the eyes) to let us all into her world post The Hills. I just can’t believe she has her own show and Lauren isn’t even here. I thought I would tune into this one because, let’s face it, if I could bring The Hills back I would and so, well, this is as close as we’re ever going to get.
The opening credits were a big hit in my eyes as they tried to make it like what I believe to be bad 80’s sitcom montage where Teefs Pats is wearing all different outfits and her whole family stands next to each other with their arms crossed and facial expressions that shout, “That’s our Audrina!” Speaking of which, we’ll get to her family in a minute.
Who knew that Oddy had so much going on in her life? And, most importantly, who knew that she had enough money to buy insane houses? Apparently if you don’t have much to say but have rack that looks good in a bikini people want to pay you large sums of money for that. I’m all in.
The first crapisode was honestly better than I excepted because Teefs Pats seems to do better when she basically isn’t reading from cue cards and chanting “I’m done” over J Bob. I also think it helps that she filed her beaver…teeth down a couple of sizes so that they actually fit into her mouth, although this makes it nearly impossible for her to be able to chuck wood efficiently. Oh, and she’s not even 26 yrs old yet and, well, I’m apparently 97 so now I’m kinda pissed and you should be too.
I am delighted to meet the rest of the members of her family. It’s not really possible for me to remember all of their names, but her dad is in the show and he’s kind of rocking a semi mullet and had chest hair up to this chin that makes me itchy to look at. Then there’s her brother, Marky, who kinda seems like he’s in on the joke of being on this show but pretty much wants his 15 minutes too. Oh, and no adult male should still be referred to as “Marky.” I don’t care if that is his legal name. Once you hit 21 you should be forced to change it to Mark. Or, maybe Mark E. Cheese’s. Either way it’s gotta go. Then there’s a little Patridge who’s only 15 years old and tattooless. Next. Then, as we all know, there’s her sisters Tats Pats who made many guest appearances during The Hills. She looks just like Teefs Pats with a little more beaver…teeth and about 3,028 tattoos. And she’s always pissed off.
And finally, thank Santa Christ, we have the mom, Lynn Patridge. Lynn is everything you’ve dreamed of and more. She may or may not be trashed in almost all of her scenes and I’ve been thanking God for that each minute since I’ve seen this episode. Not only does she appear three-sheets right off the bat, but they’re even showing that paparazzi footage from when she was trashed and talking smack about LC in front of some random restaurant. I’m glad that they’re not even trying to hide the fact that Lynn is a mess. A wonderful beautiful refreshing mess. She’s the kind of mess that while she’s sitting across from Teefs at dinner she’s closing her eyes while she talks and she speaking at a level you would talk in if you were giving the First Reading at Sunday mass and the microphone went out and the priest told you to speak up so the people way in the back could hear. Yeah, like that.
Lynn is freaking the F out because Teefs needs to move out of her multi-million dollar home in “The Hills” because of stalkers, lack of security, and “inmate mail.” She actually said that, right? Had I known it would be so easy to gain access to Teefs I would have bought an airline ticket to LAX months ago. Anyshuteyes, Lynn is angry-drunk over the fact that Teefs is not consulting her mom or her dad over moving into a new house. Meanwhile, her dad is red with embarrassment over the fact that Teefs is always in a bikini or lingerie on the regular and getting paid for it. I give it until episode 3 until he’s on set with her rubbing her down with oil.
We get to learn a little something about Teefs during the restaurant scene in which she claims she never saw that paparazzi footage of her mom from months ago. Lynn, who kind of reminds me of Lynn from Real Housewives of OC (minus the cuffs), begins to shed a few beer tears over how sorry she is for embarrassing her family that one drunken night. Teefs keeps telling her to not apologize and to never speak of it again. However, as soon as they “cheers” over this Lynn starts talking about it again. No joke, if she could catch her tears into a glass and drink it I’m pretty sure she’d be doing a shot of wine and in this economy that could be a very cost effective strategy.
Later we all get to follow along with Teefs and Mark. E. Cheese’s who go house hunting because they’re both going to live together and that’s not creepy at all no matter what you say. The one criteria that she has is that there has to be a lot of security and a lot of privacy. I agree and think it makes complete sense to be filming your life on a reality show especially if you want privacy. Seriously, she deserves to have inmates beating off on her front porch on the regular. The houses that they’re looking at are kind of insane and I’m hopeful that they’re only renting them and not buying them because it’s making me feel pretty bad about my college education.
Other stuff happens like a photoshoot where I’m almost certain that Teefs is going to need to carry a rape whistle on set because the photographer looks like he’s ready to jump on her. He may not even be a photographer. He’s probably just an escaped inmate with a disposable camera and a dream. However, more fun ensues at the end when the whole family gets together for a wonderful dinner.
Lynn is happy to have the whole family together since she claims she barely cooks anymore since all the kids are out of the house. Apparently she forgot that she still has a 15 yr old daughter as a tenant. I’m also sure that Lynn’s cooking time is crowding in on her happy hour time and, well, you must have priorities. Teefs is all excited because she’s going to complete her life dream of walking in a NYC Fashion Week fashion show and she gets to bring one person with her. And that person is, of course, her teeny bopper mom, Lynn. Lynn is totally living out her failed dreams in her daughter. However Tats Pats blows a gasket over this since she wants to go too and can’t understand why Teefs would invite Lynn’s Cuffs and not her. Uh, the answer is: You’re not enough of a drunk to go. Duh. Tats Pats seems to bang heads with Lynn over everything so hopefully there’s more drama to come with them. In fact, in her one on one interview, Tats Pats says that if Lynn wasn’t her mom she probably wouldn’t even be friends with her. Awww that’s nice, but save some for her Mother’s Day card.
In the end, Teefs dad brings out some random cake for them to smell because, you know, that makes sense and when it’s Teefs turn to smell the cake he pushes it in her face. I guess this is the second best option if she’s not planning on jumping out of it. I’m also pretty certain that this isn’t the first time that a guy surprised her by getting white cream all over her mouth and a little up her nose. Actually, that last sentence should end this recap.
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Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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Nika Said,
I could have had a V8. Recap Swamp People!
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WTF already Said,
Hey Nika, does IBBB go to your job and hassle you? NO? OK, then shut the hell up.
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Kasi Said,
No more RH of OC recaps? Sadness.
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E Said,
Brilliant!
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Erin Said,
Maybe when inmate #476 comes to attack Audrina at the beach house she can just call Marky “Mark” like Donna called David “Dave”. I hope they film it!
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shannonxoxo Said,
LMAO I loved it. The show isn’t the best but Audrina’s mom can save it, plus the recap was great. Her sister seems like she can’t stand her mom and I feel bad for the little sister LOL.
I’ll miss Housewives of the oc, but am glad you are branching out!!!!!
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alwayssunny Said,
i loved when drunk lynn freaked out over the fact that audrina wanted to move to a different part of l.a. and said she was breaking up the family. she realizes that when audrina said manhattan beach, that it isn’t actually in manhattan right?
i fully support the switch from rh of oc to audrina. hopefully it’ll work out. also, did anyone else watch mob wives before audrina? that show was like rhonj meets goodfellas and i kind of loved it. i’d say recap it but i’m afraid they’d hunt you down and there’d be no more ibbb.
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Nika Said,
WTF already, you shut the hell up. If IBBB came to my job to hassle me, I would tase him and look him in the supply closet and force him to recap Swamp People *Misery baby*. So put that in your Meth pipe and smoke it!
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Nika Said,
alwayssunny, I watched Mob Wives. I heart the two chicks who both “did the grown up” with the same guy for many years and are still great friends. That ish right there screams “white trash” no matter what race you might be!
*lock him in the closet*
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Anne Said,
I hope J Bob makes a guest appearance on this show. Maybe he’ll try and seduce Lynn.
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IBBB Said,
Now now now kids, let’s not fight. Let’s keep the civil wars b/w us and the cast of Teen Mom.
@Nika I would like to be tased, bro.
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ang Said,
recap swamp people or sister wives or mob wives!
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Tara Said,
you are nothing short of AMAZING.
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joe Said,
Oh God, I thought we were done with sister wives. Mob Wives was crazy as all get out. I’m pretty sure vh1 could make a show out of anything. Coming next fall, an all new show featuring 6 daughters looking to get out of their father’s shadows and make it to all the way to the playboy mansion in “Preachers Daughters” its comin folks its comin.
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KittyKat Said,
“She deserve to have inmates beating off on her front porch on the regular.” Best line ever. I never watched The Hills and didn’t watch this but I love your recaps, so I read whatever you write. My impression of Audrina from what you’re saying is she’s gone down on everything but the Titanic???
Also, are you planning to recap 16 and Pregnant? If not, I’m not watching it. I also wouldn’t blame you. 16 and Pregnant is kind of like a one night stand. You get to know them, in quite an intimate way, for one night and then it’s a little questionable if you’ll actually see them again (minus the awkward reunion). SO EXCITED for the original Teen Mom. I’m starting to shake from Butch and April withdrawal.
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Joe Said,
Oh snap, I’m pretty sure skipping over 16 and pregnant isn’t even an option. How else are we going to be introduced to the next Jenelle, Amber, April and Butch and last but not least Barb. This season is gonna be great and it has to be since last season was pretty bad besides the “Rumble in the Jungle” lady and….yeah that’s about it. This season has cops, crazy abusive parents of the 16 and preggo peeps and so pretty funny lines. ex. “Like everyone else’s daughters hate their moms. Well everyone else’s daughter isn’t pregnant.” HEEEEYYYYY YOOOOOO! is it Wednesday yet?
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Suzie Q Said,
I am glad you took a break from the whoring house wifes.
Lynn brings another drunk to the table why we wait for paaatyy girl Babs and Angry April to return. Tats seems pretty pissed at dinner I am pretty sure its cause mom drank all the booze before noon. What else is she suppose to do now that she doesn’t have kids in the house anymore? I want her to bust out in tune ” The best part of waking up is vodka in your cup”
They just need to add a bit more excitement. Here is what I am thinking. The 15 year old gets knocked up by Adam, Adam moves in to drunk manor starts banging Lynn, Chelsea comes over with spray tan in hand, pounding on the door “I thought you only liked orange girls” Lets toss a twist in there and say Chelsea is also pregnant but this time she isn’t sure if it is Adams or Randilicious until the paternity test. Gee Golly Wiz MTV please marry these two shows so IBBB can recap them and I can spend more time on this site. Santa Christ? Anyone? -
KittyKat Said,
If MTV would combine all of their shows…holy cow I think our heads would explode from the awesomeness. Can you imagine Barb and April partying with some of the Jersey Shore cast? All with Lynn? Oh me oh my. I miss Barb already.
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Little Suzy Said,
I’m fairly certain that closing paragraph was the most incredible IBBB recap moment evah.
I am so glad you recapped this, but I have to agree with Suzie Q (not just because of our awesome names) that they need to do something to spice this up. I really do not need more Adam/Chelsea but a crossover of Oddy’s sister being on 16 and preggers would pretty much kick ass.
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Dani Said,
I tuned in for a few minutes and thought, wow, pretty bad in the sense it wasn’t holding my attention. But who am I kidding, I’ll probably watch again, especially if you are going to recap the show. The Mom is definitely a train wreck should give you plenty of literary fodder. Sorry you’re burnt out on OC but I get it.
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Vicki Said,
IBBB, I love you and your recaps! But I have to ask…where is our recap on Leah and Corey’s divorce? I have to know your thoughts on this. Please let us know what your thoughts are.
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Dirty Darl Said,
Until I watched this show I never realized just how dead in the eyes Audrina is. It was kind of boring honestly, but you know I’m going to watch the shit out of it.
I’m going to miss OC housewives!!!!!! but I still love you
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Chris Said,
I read that Butch is back in jail.
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Alexis Said,
Heyyy! This is not about this but it is about BARB! You may have seen this. but I LOVE the barb appearance at about 1minute and 53 seconds!
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Jinxy Said,
I know the family is very religious by the grace Teefs father gave, “Thank you Father Jesus…” Um okay I guess that means Lynn only starts drinking at 6 a.m. Monday-Saturday leaving the bottle alone on the Holy Day. MTV’s most brilliant casting in YEARS for Lynn’s horrifying parenting alone! Casey hates mom’s very existence which is the comedy relief? Right? Comedy?
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momma tmi Said,
How can you not comment on Tamara’s romper and Jims glamour shot that was in alexis’ closet! No comment, really?
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Christian Said,
Yes! I really missed your Hills recaps and this show looks like the perfect substitute for it. Though I can already tell that Lynn is going to be the Spencer of the show for me…in that I want to smack her every time she opens her mouth. I can understand why Tats is frustrated all the time. And I feel sorry for the 15-year-old, she actually seems sweet and normal…she needs to get away from this family before Lynn screws her up the way Mama Lohan screwed up her kids. Here’s hoping for an LC cameo where she tells Audrina, “if my mom was a drunken ass who embarrassed me on national television, the last thing I would do is put her in a TV show. Have fun with your spin-off Joey”
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Dawn Said,
I haven’t read your blog since the last Hills post because frankly, the shows you write about are not funny or intriguing. So yes, IBBB you saved yourself (it was a bout time!). Please stop writing about teen moms, etc. not funny. What is funny? Audrina and her family and all things Hills.. Great work!
Bravo!
