Apr
14

Jury Duty: The Airplane to Nowhere

Posted by IBBB

Read More On: rant

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Take off your pants and pull up your nap mats because it’s story time with IBBB. Let’s take a journey onto my trip to “The Jury Duty.” It’s a magical time, really. Especially because this was my first time serving Jury Duty in sunny NYC. I was sweaty with anticipation as I assumed that this would be exactly like what I had seen on Night Court or Judge Judy time and time again. Yeah, no, Not so much. It did, however, provide me with days of people watching.

Here’s the thing about Jury Duty, it has some crazy power over people where they lose all normal ability to function as human beings (or Human Beans, as not to discriminate). We all suddenly turn into 4^th graders back at Catholic school and it’s like we have to all go to the bathroom at the same. exact. time.

The dude who was “heading up” Jury Duty in “the pit” as I slyly coined it, was basically doing years and years of his standup routine. The only problem, however, was the fact that he’s literally been doing this same job for the past 29 years. You would think after 29 years he’d actual get a laugh or two. Sadly, no.

This guy was drunk with power. He may also have been drunk with alcohol. Who am I to judge? I mean, I’ll leave that up to the judge. And God. And Roz. He informs us all of the 3 simple things that we need to acknowledge right now or forever hold our peace. They are as follows:

Are you a caregiver?
Do you already have a vacation planned with proof of tickets?
Are you not a US Citizen?

That’s it. Simple, right? Oh hell no. The 200 people in the room cannot possibly process what they’ve just heard. People are shouting out things like, “I’m going away for a long weekend, what do I do? and other favorites like “I have kids, now what?” However, my personal favorite was the one woman who had been sitting there for at minimum 30 minutes and suddenly puts her hand up and actually says, “Is this the Jury Duty?” Christ on a horse. She ended up not being a US Citizen so I actually have no idea how she got called. Although it’s good to know that they let anyone into this crapshoot. She might as well have tried to light her underwear on fire and blow up this airplane to nowhere.

The other kicker, for me, is how in the holy hell people dress to show up to this static nightmare. I’m not sure who I was more impressed with; “Guy with Pajama Pants,” “Man with a Leather ‘Pepsi Cola’ Jacket,” or “Lady with Rollers in her Hair.” Apparently we’re all at a slumber party right now and I’m over dressed with, you know, grown up pants and a shirt.

This room was hell on earth. It looked and smelled like the musty basement of a church. Like, if you could smell Lindsay Lohan’s spray-tanned smeared orange wrists, that’s what this place would smell like.

Then things get interesting. After 2 hours of sitting, some lady comes rushing in apologizing that she’s late. 2 hours. Really? I mean, 2 hours. No joke? She was serious with this? If you’re 2 hours late for Jury Duty you should be entering the court house shot in the chest, spewing blood, and spitting out shards or glass. It’s like, you live in the county. You could have crawled here blindfolded with a homeless man on your back giving you directions and you would have still gotten here in under 2 hours. Can this be my court case? Can I vote her guilty now or do I wait for the trial to begin?

Finally after watching a 30 minute video of Diane Sawyer from the early 90’s telling us what an honor it is to be serving Jury Duty it’s time to listen for our names to be called. Is there an electronic screen I look at to see my name or something? Oh. There isn’t? Oh, so you’re going to spin all of our names in this copper lottery-like contraption and then just yell it out. Awesome. I’m with ya. It’s like watching Lottery Live with Dawn Hayes circa 1992. This is the one time in life you don’t want your name called. But, alas, it is.

We’re forced to wait out in the hallway like cattle ready to be slaughtered. The hallway. Ah the hallway. It was like a morgue. No lie. And it smelled like skid-marks. Where the hell is my tax money going? Do I even pay taxes? I should look into that. Once in the court room we all get to meet with the judge. It is a woman, but she ain’t (ai-not) no Judge Judy. In my head I named her Judge Shecky Dorowitz. I’m not quite sure why. I mean, I have endless mental problems.

This is where they ask you, for the 10^th time, if you’re a US Citizen. I wanted to shoot up my hand and shout, “I deny my US Citizenship each week when I watch American Idol and suffer from secondhand embarrassment on the regular…does that count?” The next question is, “Due to religious beliefs or personal reasons, do you find it impossible to judge another person?” Oh, did I mention we’re all sworn under oath at this point? Yeah. I would have used this excuse, but then I remembered this little site I own called IBBB and, well, I pretty much judge others for a living. So, yeah, there’s that. I sat back down.

Oh, and you know who else is in the court room already? The defendant. I took one look at him and was like, “Oh wow he totally looks guilty…so what did he do?” Apparently he was there for a nice round of Domestic Violence and “allegedly” beating the bag out of his girlfriend and ignoring his restraining order. I must admit, I was squealing with delight on the inside because I feel like I’m an expert on this thanks to the abusive stylings of: Amber and Gary, Ronnie and Sammie and, of course, my two favorites Ike and AnnaMae. They asked me if I would have any reason why I couldn’t take the facts of this case seriously and I almost wanted to say, “Uh, I make Ike and AnnaMae jokes at least twice a week on IBBB” but instead I just said, “No, it’s fine.” You bet…you better…you better take five AnnaMae. Eat yo’ cake AnnaMae.

At one point the defendant was looking right at me and I began to almost Shasta McNasty in my underoos. At least he didn’t know who I was, what I did for a living, or where I lived. Oh wait, he’s going to know all these things? Ah yes. Let’s get to that.

In front of the entire court you have to say, on microphone, who you are, what you do for a living, and where you live. Safe. One by one as they started to call us up at random, you would think people were getting their name called to the electric chair. People were, literally, out loud yelling “Ugggggh!” and were red faced as soon as they were called. And here’s the other thing I found interesting. About 85% of the jurors in the room all claimed they were mugged, almost all were from The Bronx, and almost all had known someone who was in jail at the present time. I was like, wow I’m a bore. I also had to bite my tongue each and every time to not yell out “THE BRONX” as a shout out to J Lo, similarly to what I do every time I pass “the 6” subway entrances.

And then people just started getting diarrhea of the mouth. No lie, all of a sudden this girl took the mic and was like, “I’m been busted for DUI and shoplifting in the past.” I was like, TMI. I don’t need to know any of this, I barely even know you. I’m all about being fake and pretending everything is completely on the up and up in front of a room full of strangers. Some other chick asked to speak with the judge and lawyers on the side and then they quickly ushered her out the side door never to be seen again. I assumed she must have been like Sally Field in “Not Without My Daughter.” What? Jury Duty is boring, you need to use your imagination.

The excuses continue and what whoppers people are coming up with. We actually have to spend about 15 minutes listening to some lady argue with Judge Shecky Dorowitz about how she has some eye condition where she can’t read if it’s bright in the room. Here’s how it went down:

Lady: “I need to tell you I have this eye condition where if it gets really bright in here I can’t read.”

Judge: Oh. Well, you just read off your sheet of questions, didn’t you?

Lady: “Yes, but it’s not bright in here right now.”

Judge: Well if it gets bright in here later we’ll put the evidence on an easel in the corner where there isn’t any light.”

Lady: “I don’t think that will work because it will be bright.”

Judge: “We can shut the blinds or take you into a dark room if you need to read something. Do you think that will be ok?”

Lady: “I’m not sure. This eye condition just came on last week and I haven’t seen my doctor yet.”

Seriously?! I wanted to yell out, “You’re out of order! I’m out of order? This who damn courtroom is out of order?!”

Finally in the end after days and days of sitting and listening to people give every excuse possible to get out of this torturous affair, the “couple” settled out of court and a trial was no longer needed. Wait. What? You can settle that sh*t after all we’ve been through? And now this douche knows where I live? I’m as good as dead, but at least I don’t have to go back for another 6 years. Although I will miss the people watching and internal laughs. I think I need more public service in my life.

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38 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

Renee Said,
ummmm IBBB wheres your recap for the real housewives of orange county episode….your slacking lol
mk Said,
Dawn Hayes. Thank you.
Jules Said,
OMG. This has to be the best thing you have ever written! I was embarassing myself laughing so hard at work. I would have almost be okay with jury duty had I been able to go with IBBB.
Heather Said,
Dawn Hayes – the boy and I were just talking about her. Get out of my head!

I get called every 3 years like clockwork. I had jury duty in Dedham 7 years ago and I never got asked my name or to say where I lived in front of the defendant (crazy). But I also never got asked if I had plane tickets, which I did because I was getting married the following weekend and going to Spain for 2 weeks. The judge wouldn’t dismiss me. She said “Well, if you’re getting married in this state, I don’t see the issue.”

It was a date rape case and every female in there was like “Oh, my cousin’s friend’s dog-walker got fondled on the blue line in 1976, so I can’t be impartial” – and they got dismissed. I told the court officer – look, I’m getting married next week and leaving the country. If she wants to issue an arrest warrant when I fail to show up, go ahead. I’ve already dropped $20,000 in my wedding, what’s another $2,000 to clear the court warrant? My marriage license is filed in Dedham because I only had time to get it on my jury duty lunch break.

In the end, the DA ended up getting clocked by a softball over the weekend and couldn’t show up to court – so it was deemed a mis-trial. Apparently, forget to duck, everyone goes home. A year of planning, wads of cash, and going to Europe – sit your ass down. It’s not like there weren’t 125 other people in the room that couldn’t have served instead. BTW – I thought he was innocent. Wonder what ever happened to him….
KittyKat Said,
If I ever have to serve Jury Duty, I will make sure to recap it as I live in a very rural area and it will be so insanely white trash. Like, Leah and Corey meet Amber and Gary. Usually no horrible accents but horrible grammar around every corner. And adding unnecessary r’s to everything…like saying wARsh. And yes, when talking about the first president of this fine nation, they say George WaRshington. No lie.

Thank you for sharing your unfortunate experience with us. It made my Thursday morning coffee even better! =)
alwayssunny Said,
oh man dawn hayes, remember bonus bonanza? dawn was like the vanna white of that show. i loved it, i admit it, it made me want to gamble from a very young age. god bless the state of massachusetts.
Janelle's Lifeless Stare Said,
This story literally made me snort laugh at work. I used to work for the courts in my county and had to assist with jurors and I will say it never seemed this interesting, we were just always excited when there was a trial because we got to pick whatever food was ordered in for the jurors and got to order extra for ourselves. This definitely just put a new spin on things and makes me wish I had paid more attention to the characters that shuffled past me.
J9 Said,
I should NEVER read IBBB at work. When oh when will I learn?!
Judge Shecky Dorowitz Said,
Great recap….The “bright lights” lady was probably the best part of it!!
Karen Said,
I agree-this is one of your best pieces. Can you go to the courthouse once a week and provide a recap? Will be sharing this everywhere.
Sarah Said,
I totally did 3 months of jury duty on a double murder trial. My recap would’ve been a book. The worst part was during the sentencing phase of the convicted killer. His lawyers thought showing his baby pictures would keep him off death row. The lady next to me in the “pit” kept going “Awwww” at pictures of a baby who grew up to kill three people and she was deciding his fate to Life w/o parole or death penalty. People are crazy.
Carmella Said,
I so enjoyed this especially since I am almost 38 years old and have never once been called for jury duty. Watch after I write this I will get a notice.
QueenofCorona Said,
Thanks for the horrific flashbacks of jury doodie. I got called for it when I was about 22 years old.

I about peed out my butt when I saw a sheriff and K9 standing by the courtroom entrance checking bags. I immediately hauled ass out to my car to piece by piece pick out any and all pot shake from the bottom of my purse.

They never did pick me for any of the cases. One I came close to but beings I lived in a small town I knew both the plantiff and defendent.

Did they pay you? I recall getting a check about a month later for about $13.46 for three days of work.
dacabsarehere Said,
bahahahahahaaaa “is this the jury duty?” loveeee it. how freakingtasticly amazing is it that they would give you a case where you get to reference ike and anamae. i almost peed a little just reading it with joy, so i can only imagine your happinesssss. i have to admit, i’m rather sad about the mistrial. i was hoping to hear a full-on detail of ike’s defense. bummmmer.
Lindy Said,
I got called for jury duty once. I got picked for two trials(yikes!) One was a burglary, no biggie. The second was a murder. :-/ …..

Thankfully both were rescheduled and I didn’t have to go.
Angie Said,
Wow, I have jury duty this week too. I couldn’t believe the guy who was on trial for STALKING now knows my name, my child’s name, where I work, and where I live. Fun times!
Summer Said,
That may very be the best post ever. Dating back to the time of our forefathers. Leather Pepsi-Cola jacket. Win!
Judge Judy Sheindlin Said,
“Finally after watching a 30 minute video of Diane Sawyer from the early 90’s ”
–I’m dying over here. Love you so much!
LOL@ the people showing up to jury duty with rollers and pajama pants. Really????????
I didn’t know that you had to announce your name, occupation and where you live at in court??? GTFOH! I ain’t announcing jack!
Judge Judy Sheindlin Said,
@KittyKat,
I live in “da hood” so I’ll also do my part and recap what us black be up to. Yay! Cultural diversity!!!!

Know this…

I miss Ron and Sammie
Jazzy Said,
LOVE this recap! Thank you for sharing!

ps, I didn’t know you watch Idol! Who do you like/hate??
Suzie Q Said,
Can we get more life experiences with you? Maybe you should look at everything like a recap and keep us updated. Just a thought. One day you and I could be in a court room but in different spots. You in the plaintiff for stalking and me well for my love of your site I would be the defendant. All your lovely readers will be the jury (secret stalkers) and spend days,weeks or years trying to figure out if I am guilty because they want to spend just as much time if not more time with you. OK That can’t really happen my husband would be pissed and I live on the west coast but it played in my head and everyone you did great in court. Thanks.
My day started of crap and my mind tends to wander so thanks for making me forget about my day.
Suzie Q Said,
Sorry I meant I would be the stalker and you would be sueing me. Damn crap day.
Sara Said,
Beautiful! Absolutely beautiful! I’m sharing this with a friend who just received the results from her passed bar exam! This is sure to inspire her!
Mercedes G Said,
Hilarious!! I love your blogs. I hope my day at jury duty is as eventful as yours!! Thanks for the laughs!
elizabeth Said,
I’m all about being fake and pretending everything is completely on the up and up in front of a room full of strangers.

About 85% of the jurors in the room all claimed they were mugged, almost all were from The Bronx, and almost all had known someone who was in jail at the present time. I was like, wow I’m a bore. I also had to bite my tongue each and every time to not yell out “THE BRONX” as a shout out to J Lo, similarly to what I do every time I pass “the 6” subway entrances.

aaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Marilyn Milian Said,
Just when I was starting to have serious withdrawals from your Jersey Shore recaps, you bless us with this greatness. Thank you thank you thank you!
kerry Said,
Having appeared for “the jury duty” in NYC this read hilariously/sadly similar to my experience. My cast of characters included the lady who was shocked she wouldn’t receive extra compensation because she had children. . . school aged at that, and the ones who understood enough English to get through the entire first half of the morning (the Diane Sawyer video, instructions etc.), yet developed a language barrier on the elevator ride to the court room in time for the questioning.
Lynn Said,
You are too funny! Dawn Hayes and Lottery Live…Lol…
The last time I had to go to “the jury duty” I had to go to Wrentham court, and the room we had to go into looked like someones basement, too..
Joysee Oh Boysee Said,
Are you kidding me!??! I LOVE jury duty! I not so secretly pray there’s a summons when I go to my mailbox! I go with a “jury duty” kit complete with snacks, a book or two and other knick knack paddy wacks!

I was the forewoman for a case and I got all Law & Order on them. Using phrases like “statute of limitation” and ” out of the scope of the case”. It was my shining moment. What can I say… I’m pathetic!
Leigh Said,
Oh, that was awesome! Thanks for the laugh.
I was actually on a grand jury a few years back, so I had to go in for 2-3 days every month to help decide if there was enough evidence to go to trial. One of my fellow jurors would wear jean shorts with white socks and work boots every month in the spring/summer. He also voted not to indict a felon on a gun charge because he believed in the right to bear arms. Apparently, the fact that a felon owning a gun is illegal didn’t matter to him.
I was always more impressed with the people testifying, though. We saw a ton of cases, and a ton of witnesses. Most of them were, of course, white trash, and would wear things like ripped jeans and sweat pants to court. Really? You don’t have a pair of khakis laying around somewhere? I’ve never personally had to testify, but I like to think if it came to that, I could at least drag out some dress casual clothes, rather than what is laying in the bottom of the hamper.
carrie Said,
All I can think is that 80’s song Total eclipse of the heart. “Turn around bright eyes…every now and then I fall apart. And I need you now tonight…”
KittyKat Said,
If I were around so many people from THE BRONX (Yes, I said that J Lo style) I would ask them if they knew Ronnie. I have “small town America” syndrome where I assume everyone knows everyone. Like, you’re from NYC?! Omg, my ex’s cousin is a pastry chef at a popular bakery there! Do you know her?!

Also, I was pissed off at a guy friend and started telling someone how I was just done with him. I couldn’t help it, I started going yeah, get that! Know that! I can’t help but throw some Jersey into my life.
Anonymous Said,
oh me oh my. this post was chock full of off the wall hilarity and a slight hint of mental instability. Luckily I’ve never had the pleasure of having to endure jury duty but whenever I ask people how it went they give me lame boring short answers. Yeah I know it probably sucked. So thank you for finally fully explaining all the mindless ways it sucked. Thanks for the laughs you hilarious sexy bastard
ashley Said,
oh me oh my. this post was chock full of off the wall hilarity and a slight hint of mental instability. Luckily I’ve never had the pleasure of having to endure jury duty but whenever I ask people how it went they always give me lame boring short answers. Yeah I know it probably sucked. So thank you for finally fully explaining all the mindless ways it sucked. Thanks for the laughs you hilarious sexy bastard!
Pam Said,
I got called for Grand Jury and there was a non citizen AND a convicted felon-at least those were valid excuses. Not sure how either of those people got called??
Little Suzy Said,
My god. When I saw your status and asked you to recap, I knew it would be funny, but this was way much better than I ever, ever imagined. You need to recap Patrick’s Life more often.

“I pretty much judge others for a living. ” Yeah, that.
Ez Said,
So I mainly come here to read the Jersey Shore updates. However since Jersey Shore hasn’t started again, I’m at a loss *wah*

But I’m really appreciating this post and the fact that I’m Australian and have nothing to compare to being called for Jury Duty in the US. My imagination may have ran wild, if it wasn’t for hilarious insights such as “I must admit, I was squealing with delight on the inside because I feel like I’m an expert on this thanks to the abusive stylings of: Amber and Gary, Ronnie and Sammie and, of course, my two favorites Ike and AnnaMae”

Pure gold! Thanks for making my work day go that much faster!
H Said,
I have been called at least three times. I only was chosen once. I live in the white trash capital of the world and I could not believe the shit people were wearing (or saying). I think it may have been the first time they were ever out in public.