05
Real Housewives of Orange County: Wine Glass Boobs
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When did RHOC turn into a worse show than Real Housewives of DC? The bad news is that I’m stuck in Jury Duty and am trying to recap this crap from memory. The good news is that once I’m free from my “civic duty” I shall be recapping my Jury Duty experience. It’s bound to be more entertaining than last nights RHOC. Oh, and please don’t yell at me for forgetting your favorite part as I am not a court stenographer, although watching one all day in court makes me jealous of her typing skills by only using what I can only assume is 4 keys.
So it’s another sunny day in Orange County and Peggy wants to draw attention away from her protruding penis by going to her doctor to get her knockers “re-put in.” I think that’s the medical term at least. I think it’s great that Peg wants store bought new boobs inserted into her body by way of knife and anesthesia. While she almost always refuses to do anything less than holistic it’s great that she makes an exception for her aging rack. Her husband, who I’m pretty sure is the adult version of Flick from “A Christmas Story” is gung ho for her new boobs as long as she’s able to hold a wine glass between them when the surgery is over. A wine glass, a gun, same difference. I think doctors should be able to make additional decisions for you whilst you’re in surgery. For example, while they’re tossing honkers into her chest, they should also cut her hair as no adult woman should have fried hair hanging down to their arse. Legally, this should be an option. I plan on marching on Capitol Hill about this so, well, join me.
Meanwhile, they’re still trying to force the storyline of Gretchen throwing her parents a surprise 40th Anniversary party down our throats. This included Gretchen faux-breaking in to their house to get her mom’s dress size as she’ll also be surprising her with a wedding dress the day of the party. Sounds terrible! This entire segment was pointless and made me long for the days when the Olsen Twins would make direct to VHS movies like “To Grandmother’s House We Go,” you know, the one where they’d dress up like detectives and just repeat the lines that their real-life mother would say out loud to them off set all whilst they looked directly into the camera and then eventually sang “I’m the Cute One.” Really? Which one of you is supposed to be the cute one? Sounds like a losing song to me. But I digress.
Next up, Tamra has gone all Zolciak and is posing topless for the No H8 campaign. The best part of this was the fact that Tamra had duct tape over her mouth the whole time. If only she was partnered up with Vicki during this photoshoot this entire crapisode may have been tolerable. I love how Tamra is still trying to convince us that she has lesbian tendencies. Lets just say that I’d be more convinced that Tamra passed the 9th grade than played scissors by choice.
Hooray, the token lesbian, Furnani, is an American Citizen…oh, and they’re going to film her Citizenship party? Oh, alright. I guess. Perhaps they’ll play “Pin the Scissors on the Gentleman Greeter?” So is Furnani, like, a main character now? Why isn’t she holding up an orange during the opening credits then? Do they assume a lesbian can’t be trusted with an orange and think she’ll just lift her legs? Someone ask Andy Cohen, my possible arch nemesis, what he thinks.
Tamra can’t make it to Furnani’s party because she’s busy moving out of her Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure and filming scenes with her Level III (allegedly) Eddie. He is creeptastic without the tastic. Every time he smiles at her I’m waiting for him to start diddling her moments later. Eddie is about to throw a b*tch fit because Tamra still hasn’t thrown away her wedding dress, wedding candle, wedding champagne glasses or given up her kids for adoption. He ends up having to leave the garage because he’s so upset and needs to blow off some steam. Who’s steam? Hey-oh! Tamra ends up throwing her champagne glasses into the dumpster and crying, which is ironic because I assume that is the same location where she met Simon and, ironically, with the same reaction.
I’m definitely all over the place in terms of the time frame and events of this episode but, guess what, it could be worse…I could be forced to watch it again after Jury Duty. Back over at Vicki’s house, Donn pretty much knows the writing is on the wall and he’s about one more episode away from turning into Greg from RHOA. I’m just waiting for Vicki to start yelling at Jeana, “You let Donn borrow $10,000 dollars? $10,000 dollars? $10,000 DOLLARS? Bloop, bloop, bloop!” Vicki and her family are all having a wondrous dinner where everyone looks like they’re on suicide watch and are all equally blaming Vicki for never being around enough to have these family dinners, especially since she works every night until almost 1am. Seriously, who’s selling insurance that late? If you’re calling the east coast, get up earlier. I have no idea. All I know is that I’d end it all if I ever had to sell insurance…or t-shirts that said “Woo-Hoo!” I actually kinda feel bad for Donn. I think even Vicki’s kids feel bad for him. Vicki is kinda turning into Jill Zarin to me and, well, I’m losing sleep over all of this. I’m kidding. I don’t sleep.
Meanwhile, Peggy is bringing her daughters to the same agency that she worked for when she was a “child star.” Anyone get a good look at her photos from back in the day? Um, pretty? She looks like she pretty much only modeled for the ads in the back of an 80’s magazine, you know, for whore pills and Spanish ticklers and the like. Well now it’s her daughters turn. Let’s just call it like it is. Her girls crashed and burned during the audition. Sure they looked cute and all, but they couldn’t hit their marks and didn’t do anything the creepy owner asked them to. In fact, one of the girls kept giving Peggy the side-eye and a look that totally said, “I would have been fine with you tossing yourself down the stairs, b*tch.” Honestly, you know who would have never F’d up an audition like this? Milania. No, not Alexis’ daughter. I’m talking the original Milania. And you know how she got so good at modeling and auditions? Because her mother yells at her to “do fabulous!” on the regular. That’s how you get your kid hitting their mark. As a sidenote, at least once a week I have Milania’s voice in my head saying “Ah, Derrik!” Just me?
In the end, Alexis and her sinful body and rodent like face is having a Botox and massage party for all the girls. She should have had a face sandblaster party…just a thought. Since Alexis didn’t want to have the girls mess her house (aka her husband would pistol whip her if she had a party at home and didn’t make him dinner) she decided to have it had the doctors office and she put a table together with some food and drinks. It looked horrible. And, surprisingly, none of the girls really wanted to get the Botox done even thought Alexis mentioned 15 times that she was paying for it. Not even Tamra wanted it. Maybe she just plans on macing herself when she gets home? Seriously, what was up with her bringing mace to the “party” for her and Vicki? I mean, I’m sure Vicki uses mace on Donn every time forms his own thoughts and opinions, but it doesn’t mean you bring it to a high society Botox party!
Whilst at the party, Peggy was sucking up to Vicki and Alexis seemed to be getting a but jealous. I’m sure she was just flirting with Vicki in hopes that Vicki would kiss her penis, but maybe I’m wrong. Oh, and I’m sticking to my plan on never giving up on the “Peggy has a penis” jokes. Ever. Honestly, there’s not much else to work with. So, let’s just continue on. Everyone seemed to have gotten along at the party, which is nice. And by “nice” I mean “boring as all hell so someone please flip a table and/or pull out some weave STAT!”
Next week apparently Tamra and Eddie head to Spain, so plan on Tamra trying to do a lot of “hola” and “Whero is the wino” jokes every 15 seconds. Let’s pull together…we can all get through the season. Yes We Can!
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Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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KittieCouture Said,
I am so glad you mentioned that about the lesbian lady… if they are filming scenes of her party without any of the other housewives, why isn’t she a bonafide housewife? Is Bravo getting cheap on us and don’t wanna pay her the 5K an episode or whatever it is? Dumb Bravo!
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dacabsarehere Said,
i missed most of this episode, as i came home late and had to catch the second running. (hey, i had to take my kid to a wrestlemania party, don’t look at me like i have a life or something, i was still watching tv). anyboobfix, i missed the whole piggy goes to her wiener remover doctor scene and ask’s about making her moobs more womenly. (pertruding penis — loveeee it). tamra passing the 9th grade … bahahahahaha. don’t forget shes an “equal opportunitist” … to me that always sounded like something a gold digger said. yanno, like yeah i’m ok with him being 90 and dying, i’m an equal opportunist. no? i dunno. i think fernani is supposed to be like the kim g and kim p and kim z whatever the kim’s are in jershey. a sidenote, but not trusted enough with a full character. i missed the don scene too but love the translation to him turning into greg, he shall be rooming in the basement until physco vicki sells the house, maybe he’ll come with the house, like extra furniture. “house for sale, comes with a fully equipped punching bag in the basement”.
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joe Said,
I’ve been waiting for ur recap on this episode since it aired because I knew you would think it would be horrible. Lol. I can tell you when this show started to suck…when Jeana had to downsize her whole life, including her RHOC life. Her family was hilarious and entertaining. The season finale Tamra-Jeana beatdown is gonna be great. I miss Lynn and her horrible parenting skills as well. RHOA Greg=Donn reference is hysterially and so true. Vicki is cold blooded!!!!! Alexis and Peggy are unbelievably annoying and the citzenship scene wasn’t even watchable. Botox party was eat, pray, boring (see what I did there?). Next week might be interesting since Alexis is all pissed about Vicki being at her party. DRAMA!
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Anonymous Said,
Best part of this recap….Her girls crashed and burned during the audition. Sure they looked cute and all, but they couldn’t hit their marks and didn’t do anything the creepy owner asked them to. In fact, one of the girls kept giving Peggy the side-eye and a look that totally said, “I would have been fine with you tossing yourself down the stairs, b*tch.”
Tamra just gets more disgusting and Vicki….she is just pathetic. Has no idea what really matters in life.
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Heather Said,
“He ends up having to leave the garage because he’s so upset and needs to blow off some steam. Who’s steam? Hey-oh!”
Love you.
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Cheryl Said,
Everything Tamra said and did this whole episode made my skin crawl. I am glad her children are not present to see what a whore Mommy is. Although we haven’t seen the kiddies all season, so maybe she did put them up for adoption?
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KittyKat Said,
I don’t watch this show (because I don’t get Bravo…I know, I know, it’s an outrage. Borderline blasphemous) but being that I’m a loyal fan, I read it and laugh because you’re that good.
I am anxiously awaiting your recap of jury duty!!!!
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Bri Said,
OMG, loved the “Christmas Story” reference…Eddie is totally the adult version of Flick. The Olsen twin reference, I was dying!!! You do a great job…keep it up!!
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Lindsay Said,
I agree that OC is the new DC. It has totally jumped the shark. I think it’s because there are no unruly teens or foreclosure drama or Lynn Curtain on pills eating trail mix. Which =’s BOR-ING!!!!
All we have left is ugly ass fem-bots with bleach-burnt weaves, spoiled babies, and creepy husbands (where’s the fun in that?!), depressed Donn and “reformed” Vicki (since when did she become such a prude??) both on the verge of meltdowns with bland adult children, Tamra who continues to push the envelope and I’m sure by the end of the season will be showcasing just how Eddie penetrates her for 5 hours (REALLY?!?! I’m sure the Bravo cameras were there for that!), and OBNOXIOUS Gretchen trying to be all classy and shit when really she had to recycle the diamonds from her first engagement ring to gift to her mother- how cheap and WEIRD! We don’t even get to see much of Smiley-Pants Slade and I assume it’s because he’s on work release after being incarcerated for not paying child support or alimony. And Fernanda, the dramatic Brazilian lesbian who may or may not have numerous restraining orders on her for her creepy, obsessive ways. She needs to be on Miami Wives…
ZING!
If Andy Cohen knows what’s good for the Housewives brand, he will either bring back Lynn Curtain or pull the plug on the OC.
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That's what she Said,
I didn’t see this whole episode, but the mace thing went right over my head. I didn’t get it….was it supposed to be funny?
This group is SO boring…Bring back Lynn’s cuffs, Jeana’s emotionally abused family, Lori’s over privileged kids and Tammy, who looks better than her daughters who are half her age. Those were better times.
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QueenofCorona Said,
Twice now this season Tammy Sue has praised Fast Eddie for, “Takin on a woman with three kids.” Drunktard, you have FOUR kids. Yes, Ryan’s drivers license may claim he is 23 in people years but in fuck up years he’ll always be 12. All the Boone’s Farms you drank while pregnant with him gave him the dumbs and he’ll likely always live with you while he’s not out trying to Roofie Gretchen.
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Nika Said,
Now I see why Simon was so controlling to Tamra all the time, he was trying to keep her inner white trashiness a secret. Her kids are old enough now to know their mother is a slut puppy too #ewww.
What the Waka Flocka is up with Gretchens face? That ish is lumpy like oatmeal…….she needs to start slanging ProActiv ASAP.
Is it just me or do Alexis and Peggy sound just alike? I was dozing and watching the show last night, I couldn’t tell them apart…….. creeptastic for real!
Poor Donn, he better take that dog and get the hell on before Vickie nags him to death. Matter of fact I’m sure Jeana has room for him at her house (and in her bed). Matter of fact if Bravo was smart, they would push them to be together for next season. Donn could be Slade 2.0. Bring back Laurie, that one chubby couger they had, and Lynn…….BOOM OC is #1 again! -
joe Said,
I think since most of us agree that lynn, foreclosure and her lindsey lohan wannabe teenagers, jeana’s abuse factory and maybe lauri n her weird blended family all need to be back on housewives, we need to get a petition together or maybe we can march on Washington like IBBB said in the recap. While were at it we can call DCFS on Peggy for pimping out her kids to get her off the show. I totally forgot about the mase incident. I’m convinced Bravo talked Tamra into that to breathe some sign of drama into the otherwise dreadful botox party. I think NeNe should just move to the OC. All the problems would be solved. BLOOP!
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frenchfille Said,
Considering that the only “kid” they show behind her in her intro is Ryan, I’m willing to bet that Simon put the smackdown on that Tamrass, see what I did there? ; ) I bet he didn’t agree to their kids being filmed anymore.
No me gusta Fernanda and Tamra as a faux-lesbian makes me want to hurl.
Anyone notice that Gretchen’s dad sorta looks like Donn too? Is there some sort of Donn phenomenon I’m not aware of? Agree with the comment about the ring being weird. You are really giving your mom the diamond from the ring of your first FAILED marriage?? Her dad/Donn v.3 is ok with this?
I agree with everyone above that the OC has gone a season or two beyond its prime, much like the botoxed barbies on the show itself. Enough!
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That's what she Said,
Oh , and I kinda like that Vicki brought back the phrase “dumb clucks.” I haven’t heard that since my grammer school nuns.
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Anonymous Said,
IBBB, someone brought it up last week and I will reiterate, your readers comments are really awesome and are a great compliment to your great blog. ‘ 12 in Fuck up years’ and ‘Donn v.3′ And I TOTALLY think they should bring Tammy back. And Lynn and Jeana.
But don’t hate on Fernanda. This show makes her look weird. She is an instructor at my gym and she is normal. The whole scene they are trying to make with her and Tamra is so lame, and for Tamra to call her Charo.. well if they were ‘friends’ then, I doubt they are ‘friends’ now.
Getting the profile pics of Alexis is scary. Good from the front, a car wreck from the side.. she’s a total ‘ Monet ‘ .
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Dirty Darl Said,
I love when you sneak in the Milania Derrick reference, it gets me EVERY time!!! I’ve missed my fav table flipping, no forehead housewife so much
These trash boxes on the OC are getting on my damn nerves, I’m hoping that the NYC housewives with Kelly-loco and her borderline personality disorder can save me from this torture! AND I KNOW that you will be recapping it right??
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kasey Said,
Agreed- Milania (the original) would definitely not have bombed that audition.
Also, I think you need to go and re-watch To Grandmother’s House We Go.
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Anonymous Said,
Did anyone watch the Live Miami reunion last night? If so, let’s discuss!! That is one crazy group of bitches.
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joe Said,
Miami’s season was pretty weak to me. There were some highs but very far and in between. You should fill in for IBBB since he’s doin his civic duty n recap it now so we can discuss.
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Anonymous Said,
Well, okay Joe…here we go. I like Lea Black. She has absolutely no style but I found her rather funny. Larsa was completely full of herself but she was rather boring so I don’t think anyone cared. Adriana – did you notice that everyone did everything “to my face”. As in, you yell to my face. I know that is just her uses of English but somehow it annoyed me and last night on the reunion she WOULD NOT SHUT UP!! She looked like a fool. I am a believer that Cristy is a liar. She doesn’t appear trustworthy to me. And to find out she has 3biological kids and 2 step kids. None of these woman are showing their kids how to act appropriately. Finally, Andy addressed the plastic surgery issue with Marysol last night and she told Andy she didn’t now what work her mother had done. On what planet does she think we all live? That woman is as bad as the cat lady. Alexa is just stupid. So these are my opinions and not nearly as entertaining as IBBB but let the discussion begin….
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Anonymous Said,
Larsa lost me with ‘ I’m not used to being around ugly people’. WHO talks like that ? Marysol’s lips look as gross as her moms. She has the tissue paper facial skin that people get after TOOOOO many sand blasts / ‘treatments’. Alexia was actually my favorite. So I will pass on her. Adriana was ok – she didn’t bother me that much. Lea Black was annoying black eyeliner and hair so hair sprayed I thought it was the 80’s. She’s VERY lucky to have shacked up with a rich attorney and squeezed out an ‘anchor baby’ to keep him around. There I said it. Who else ? I’m sure I forgot someone but its probably for the best.
You all should be watching Basketball Wives anyway, its way wayyy more interesting. I love that show.
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Allie Said,
I was under the impression that Fernanda was signed as a Housewife, was filmed, did promo shots, etc. and then the other wives staged a mutiny and did a “it’s us or her” situation. But I thought that was why there has been an abundance of footage and interviews for an extra-type of person…
Basketball Wives is great, I love to “take to my bed” and become “unable to assist with the children” when it’s on.
And finally, I am almost 40 and have long hair – which I’ve now developed a complex about. So thanks for that. -
=^..^= Said,
I love Donnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn <3
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Katie Said,
Ugh RHOC has officially jumped the shark. I watched this episode today and almost fell asleep, then immediately forget just about everything that happened as soon as it was over. As I was reading your recap, I was like, “Oh yeah, that’s what happened.”
Tamra is beyond pathetic. She has turned into a parody of herself. She used to be fun and somewhat witty and entertaining, but now she’s trying so hard to convince us that she’s a) sexy, b) sometimes a lesbian and c) fun and carefree.
Also in contention for the Most Pathetic OC Housewife is Vicki. Selfish, selfish, selfish. I totally agree with you – who could HONESTLY be that fulfilled by selling insurance? I think what she really gets off on is working till 1 a.m. and making her staff of slaves stay till 1 a.m. with her. She thinks that by taking them on a work trip to Seattle once a year and forcing them to get drunk with her, it makes up for it all.
And finally, you are on a hot streak of hilarious with your recaps lately! Laughed out loud multiple times. Thanks!
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alyse Said,
Great recap! It just bothers me that everyone is referring to Milania as the actress. It is clearly her eldest daughter Gia who perfected “ah derrick”!
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=^..^= Said,
Alyse, That’s what I thought too! About it being Gia and not Milania.. Because I can still see it in my head when I think about it, and if my memory is correct I see Gia in my head saying “Ah Derrick”
Where the Eff is my OC Housewive recap for this week and last week.. it is now April the 17th and last Sunday and this Sundays recap is still not up. Patrick, sir, I am getting sadder by the minute.. <3
