What a sad night around the offices of IBBB. I’d like to end this season with a snippet of a song I’d like to dedicate to Barb. Please sing to the tune of Ebony and Ivory:
Barb Evans and IBBB live together in perfect harmony
Same old blue shirt and my keyboard, lil b*tch, why don’t we?
I would please like to stop the song now, as I’ve realized that the only parts I’ve ever known to Ebony and Ivory are, in fact, just the first two lines. Now that all that awkwardness is out of the way let’s get to our final recap of the (burp) season.
Jenelle – Well let’s just say that the first 3 minutes with Jenelle are action packed. First off she sneaks into Barb’s backyard and hides behind some randomly placed fence to call Kieffah because she misses his charm, smarts, and wit and wants to be with him so, Mr. Disrespectful there, invites Jenelle to come on over to the all brick beach house to stay with him. Oh yeah, there’s one little catch. They’re not allowed to stay there but they’re doing it anyway. That is until the cops come at 2 in the morning and arrest Jenelle for three things: 1. Breaking and Entering. 2. Marijuana Cigarettes Overload. 3. Being a Little B*tch of a Daughtah (it’s a real crime). Little did we know that they came to arrest Kieffah too but he wasn’t in the house. Instead they found him oddly up the street. I envisioned they caught him on that grassy knoll that Jenelle usually picks him up at (and drops him off at…and is also the “sometimes” location of their dates).
With Jenelle’s one and only call she can make from the slammer she calls, you guessed it, Barbara Ann Evans III. The best part was that Jenelle was all upset and saying she was arrested and was in jail and Barb very matter of fact says, “Oh. What are you doin’ there?” Um, making license plates? That would have been my answer. So let me get this right, Jenelle spills water on the couch and Barb is legit ready to call the cops on her, but when she is actually in jail, Barb doesn’t get worked up? Dear Jesus Claus me gusta this senorita.
Jenelle claims that she’s done with Kieffah (probably because he ditched her and ran frolicking up the street when the cops came) and Barb lets her know that she can come home, BUT if she is ever with Kieffah again she’s out of the house for good (empty promises). She’s spending a lot of time arguing with Jenelle on the phone. I thought you only got like 60 seconds for your jail call, no? Barb ends the conversation by abruptly exclaiming, “I gotta go to work, goodbye.” Whereas she should have simply stated, “I gotta slice a wide variety of deli meat so let me go so I can change into my blue shirt that smells like salami and pre-made potato salad.”
Later when Amber picks up Jenelle at the slammer-lammer-ding-dong, we learn that Kieffah wasn’t, in fact, sitting on a pile of grass up the street but at his friend Joe’s house. Joe Mama, I wonder? Anyamericaneagle, when the cops found him he was drinking and snorting coke and, apparently, Jenelle was surprised about this. I bet he bought it from Grandpa Mike. Just a hunch.
There may have been some fancy editing going on because one minute Jenelle is in her car taking a call from Kieffah with his request to spring him from the clink and next thing you know she’s back on the Barb’s glorious front porch waiting for the beating of her life. Luckily when Barb got home she was sporting her blue shirt, perfect for the last episode, and then she informed Grandpa Mike that Jenelle was arrested last night. He, too, didn’t seem phrased and just said, “How’d she get out?” He seem disappointed she wasn’t on death row. Moments later Barb had me in butterfly stitches when she was asking about Kieffah calling her to get bailed out and she just says, “Oh, was he all hiiiiigh?!” Good old Barb. Friend ‘til the end. She then continues on asking Jenelle repeatedly if she’s had an “awakening.” Personally, I’ve had an awakening. It was called episode one of Teen Mom 2. She then kindly asks Jenelle to not get arrested again by simply stating, “No more jail time, please, ok?” Yes please. And thank you.
Next up, Jenelle is on the phone with Barb’s Discovaaaah caaaaahd to find out what the balance is and she let’s Barbie Girl know that she is going to pay her debt, go to school, and (say it with me) do the right thing! Barb, in true form and grace says, “I know you think I’m this majaaaah, majaaah, majaaah b*tch as a muthaaaah” and then she starts to cry. I assumed she was crying because she finally realized she has misplaced her “r’s” in over 98% of the words that she uses but, nope, she was crying because she says to Jenelle that she thinks that Jenelle really doesn’t love her and doesn’t care about her. Poor Barb. This made me sad. Me gusta Barb and you all know it. Barb doesn’t need Jenelle she has me and I’m never high/high. I mean, I’m drunk over 75% of the time, but I assume Barb is too. We can be codependent together! It’ll be great! Jenelle ends up lifelessly hugging it out with Barb to end the scene. I’m sure Grandpa Mike is beating off in the corner, that sick son-of-a-f*ck.
Now that one full day has passed, Jenelle is really starting to miss Kieffah again. However, Special K is still his cellmates boyfriend right now and Jenelle won’t bail him out. She says she’s pissed that he left her in the house and is doing coke behind her back. That’s code for, “I’m pissed you didn’t share the coke with me.” She ends up talking to Grandpa Mike out on the front porch and tells him how much she still loves Kieffah because they’ve been together for 5 straight months. 5 months? Really? Wow! I bet in some states they’re technically considered married. And you totally know that this conversation just simply taking place, somewhere in aisle three at Walmart Barb must be twitching and throwing herself into convulsions. At least Grandpa Mike and his oddly placed teeth give Jenelle some good words of wisdom which consist of forgetting about Special K and remembering that she has a son and should be spending time with him. My blackened heart wants to believe that Jenelle is smarter than this, but my eyes and TMZ, sadly, tell me otherwise.
To continue her season long spree of horrific decisions (horrific: meaning, things that a whore would do) Jenelle decides to bust Keiffah out of the slammer. But first she goes to Amber’s Section 8 trailer and foreclosure (with dirty torn up mattresses on the front lawn) to see if she and her friend, Ben, want to come with her. As F’d up as these two seem, they’re actually trying to be the voice of reason with Jenelle and they, like Barb, are letting her know that Kieffah is bringing her down. But, alas, they decide to go with her to pay the bail bond. What a disaster (see: disastaaaah) this is. This poor schmuck, Ben, is signing the bond because he’s the only one that is 21 yrs old and when he signs it it basically states that if Kieffah doesn’t show up for court then he, Ben, owes $2,000. Jenelle says she doesn’t think that Kieffah, the drifter, would run from his court date. Yeah, I don’t think so either. I also don’t think that Devil Dogs make you fat. Ben, of course, agrees and they end up getting Kieffah out of jail. We get to witness Jenelle kissing and hugging him and then when the camera is in her face she’s like, “I’m still mad at you.” I mean, she is going to give him 2 full weeks to change so I’m sure it will work out just fine. And when Barb catches wind of this there will be hell to pay and I’m hoping she doesn’t take her anger out on the honey ham sliced thin!
I actually found myself shaking my head when they were walking out of jail and saying out loud, “what a shame.” I’m not sure what’s more of the shame, though, Jenelle and Kieffah or me dedicating my life to recapping all of this. I’m a majaaah, majaaaah, majaaaah losaaaah!
Leah – “Hey y’all it’s almost my weddin’ day and I’m gonna be getting’ me married, but I’m still scay-yaaard.” I put on a pair of running pants and a beer stained ripped wife beater to really class up my participation at Coonskin Park. I also ran outside to see if I could find a squirrel outside that I can strangle and bring as my date, but that’s another story for another time. Anycrunch, Leah and her friends are all going to get their nails done at some 1970’s stripmall and I’m almost certain that Farrahs’s hairdresser friend from Teen Mom 1 is the one doing their nails. Leah’s friend, Blah Smith, is letting her know that her hands will probably be really sweaty when she and Corey are holding them together on the alter. Oh. Seriously, someone bring that chick to the geneticist, STAT.
At the rehearsal, in which apparently you can just wear jogging pants and other applicable J. Lo jumpers, Leah’s mother looks like she’d rather take a DNA to see if her husband is actually, in fact, her brother than take part in this practice session. And why do they both look like moles? I’m going to need to you all to work with me on this one, but remember that kid a few seasons ago from American Idol whose dad used to tell him he was worthless and he sang “Take a Look at Me Now” and then tore off his glasses and threw them across the stage and then got voted off the next day? Well, yeah, they both look like him. What? I didn’t say that reading this recap wouldn’t require you to think. Sometimes you have to work for it. Like a prostitute at a carnival.
Leah and Corey decide that the night of the wedding they’re going to stay in separate houses trailers because, you know, they’re traditional. Like having a set of twins when you’re 17 when you’re on the rebound…then putting it on national television…then breaking up…then getting back together…then moving into a trailer…then getting engaged on a fishing boat…then getting married. You know, traditional. Like in the Bible. Well, the Bible Volume II: Moses Boogaloo.
That night whilst Leah is in bed with her sister who is technically the color orange, Corey ends up calling and they both talk about how nervous they are about getting married. They’re even putting together some plan on what to do if Leah needs some emergency panties and how they’ll be delivered to the trailer. Huh? By the end of the conversation Leah jokes and says, “What would you do if I ran?” To which Corey responds, “Like…away?” No Corey, she meant what if she ran up the aisle and then around the alter like a Chinese fire drill. Dummy.
Hey y’all it’s finally the day of the weddin’! Looks like the geneticist will have to wait. All the women in Leah’s house are getting their hair done by Corey’s mom. Apparently Leah’s mom won’t be partaking in the hairspray party because she has to go and set up the “reception hall.” I guess the balloons and tin cans with string aren’t going to set themselves up! Also, I just noticed that Leah’s stepdad is named Lee. So let me get this right, it’s Lee, Leah, Ali, and Aaliyah. Awesome. Keep it simple and keep it often.
We’ve finally all arrived at Coonskin Park (shoot two guns in the hair and spit in a tin bucket) and Leah’s mom actually cleaned herself up nice. I mean her bangs aren’t fried and her curls don’t make her look like she was just electrocuted whilst having adult intercourse with a goat, but still, nice. Although she didn’t clean up her grammar because she actually said, “Does my legs looks orange?” I actually said, “Oh Jesus” when I heard this. And why does everyone need to be orange? It’s like Oprah came out and shouted, “Everyone gets a spray taaaaaaaaaan!”
Now it’s time to insert the camo into the camo wedding. Corey and the guys are all getting into their tuxedos in a filthy bathroom on “the grounds” and are buttoning up their camo vests and straightening their fluorescent ties. Why are some ties green and others orange? Is it like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles type of thing? All I know is that I’m having a seizure. All the guys end up taking awkward photos while randoms play golf in the background. At one point they all pick up Corey and try to place him on their shoulders because, you know, that’s a picture that people will want to look at over the years.
Corey’s dad ends up having a special private talk with him…and a camera crew…and “the America” and even gives him some old knife that was really special to him. I thought it was trying to tell Corey it wasn’t too late to kill himself in the woods, but apparently his dad just really liked that knife and really wants to give Corey that knife. Personally I really think it was a hat tip to me and my love for wanting to knife puffy leather couches. Maybe they’ll acknowledge that during the reunion show. After some words of love from Corey’s dad Corey seems less than into the conversation and ends up saying, “Thanks for, like, raising me and stuff” and then he finishes the conversation by saying, “Let’s get a drink.” Awww, just how the Hallmark cards end!
Leah has to get into her broken down Honda to drive over to “the hall” with her wedding dressed all bunched up in the front seat. At least she has enough room to text. As the wedding starts up and the girls are walking up the aisle I notice that everyone actually looks nice, but they’re all holding these random autumn leaves wreath-type-thing with a battery operated Christmas candle (turned on) in the middle of the wreath. Huh? They should have used real candles and perhaps the twins could have lit the matches to get those candles going and then we could have just watched to see what happened next. Just me?
The ceremony continues and Corey starts doing the Farrah “ugly cry” as soon as he sees Leah walk up the 2 second aisle. Later, Leah literally starts laughing out loud what she has to recite the part about “for richer…for poorer.” She probably knows the writing is on the wall as they’re getting married at a place called “Coonskin Park” and they end the night with Corey carrying Leah over the threshold of their legit trailer. I was embarrassed.
I have to admit that I was a little bummed there wasn’t more footage of the reception. I mean, I didn’t get to see any obese women doing the electric slide or any drunken aunts grinding with the deer head on the wall. What a jip. We didn’t even get to inspect Leah’s wedding dress for orange spray tan smears due to excessive sweating from the Marcarena. Oh well.
Kailyn – You know whose scenes were a complete snooze this 90 minute episode? Kail’s. And, yes, I did say 90 minute episode. I was seriously pissed. It’s like one last kick to the nuts while I try to recap this junk. The whole thing basically is around Kail and Jo waiting to go to mediation so that can get a custody agreement in place in case Janet wants to sell the baby on the black market. Fine, I made that last part up. We are blessed, however, to get one last scene with Suzi who is sporting yet another hair color. Bingo, for those of you playing at home. She continues to give Kail some words of advice and to my absolute shock Kail actually thanks her for being there for her this whole time. Sometimes it’s good with Suzi is off the sauce and sometimes it isn’t. It is for Kail, but it isn’t for me. That’s how that works.
Over at Jo’s house, he’s actually being very calm about the whole future mediation date. Almost too calm. High, high, yaw both high. That probably explains it. Janet, on the other hand, is looking fetching in this episode and a little disheveled all at the same time. She lets Jo know that he has to get along with Kail because she’s in his life…for life. For life? Hooray! I love a life sentence with the Cowardly Lion. Que suerte! (Janet knows what that means).
Meanwhile it’s “date day” with Senor Sports Authority and so they go to a place where there are painted bricks on the wall and where Kail is allowed to rock her Snooki poof. They end up fighting over how people greet each other in Spanish. Is this conversation actually taking place? I oddly find it more enjoyable than watching Jo do dead-pan in his kitchen. Kail ends up trying to explain the custody agreement to Jordan and he looks like he’s trying to figure out how to split a check between a group of 10 people when 2 people didn’t drink and 3 people got dessert.
It’s finally mediation day! We’ve been waiting for this for a while now and they end up going behind closed doors where cameras aren’t allowed. MTV should have done a claymation interpretation. All I know is that while they were waiting in the waiting room they kept playing really sad music. I picture Suzi dancing slowly to this music in the background. The guy in charge of the mediation, when he comes out to greet them, just looks at the baby and is like, “Is someone gonna take care of him?” I would have been like, yeah that’s what we’re here for, Schecky. Hey-oh!
In the end, it seems like mediation went well but when Jo mentions that in 5 years if he wants to add a day to his custody agreement and Kail denies his request a fight ensues. He, per usual, calls he a piece of sh*t and says that she’s absolutely nothing. She, per usual, says that she’s going to college and therefore is going to get a better paying job than him. They continue their fight all throughout the parking lot lobbing insults to each other left and right. I wish Kail had her side pony-tail at a time like this. It makes me nervous when she doesn’t. These two are the worst. It could have been more interesting if they ended the season with Suzi and Janet wrestling in a pool of Jello. Maybe next season.
Chelsea – One more to go. If this was the Boston Marathon I would officially be at Heartbreak Hill. I’m actually wrapping myself in an aluminum cape, dumping Dixie cups of water over my head, and eating orange slices. Enter Chelsea. She and Aubree are both sick and so Chelsea decides that she wants Sushi to make her feel better. Her dad, who loves the camera, brings it to her and she feeds it to him with chocksticks. Creepy. And who wants sushi when they’re sick?! I bet it smells like Megan’s underpants. While sexily feeding each other sushi, her dad ends up texting/sexting Adam that if he doesn’t get his car he’s going to have it towed. So really he texted him? Why didn’t he just pass him a note during homeroom? More on awkward text messages between Adam and Chelsea’s parents later.
It’s also almost Aubree’s 1st birthday so Chelsea and her friend are going shopping for birthday decorations. To no surprise, Chelsea wants a theme of leopard and pink. Awesome, a sluts birthday theme! Trash it up, garbage bag. Again, like Corey’s dad giving him a random knife before the wedding, I feel like this leopard theme is a little shout out to me and not just because I, too, am a slut. Oh, and while all this is going on Adam’s OJ Simpson white Bronco is being towed out of Chelsea’s driveway. Ruh-roh! Adam is going to be so pissed I bet he’ll barely even remember to take his shirt off.
More boring things happen, but I’m in a trance over Chelsea’s mother. Does she now have a tight red perm and a nose ring? What in the F is that? She’s making Suzi look tame. Chelsea’s sister is in town to attend the 1st birthday and I pretty much think that she should write for this here blog because I definitely get the vibe that she hates Chelsea. She even brings up the fact that when Chelsea gets back with Adam she typically throws it in everyone’s face. Also, none of these siblings look like the parents at all. I must look into this. Maybe they’re all sister-wives to Randilicious?
Well it’s finally the day of the birthday and there is leopard slut gear everywhere. The cake was kind of cool though..like, cool in a way where some topless skank would jump out of it and shake her knockers…yeah like that. Randomly, Adam is texting Chelsea’s mom asking her about the birthday party. Why? Why is he texting her? More importantly Chelsea’s mom looks like Lois Griffin and most importantly Chelsea and all her friends are the color of Ernie.
After the party is over Adam comes over to get his car and motor but it’s gone. He knows it’s not there because he’s in the garage looking for it and throws the baby carriage out of the way (don’t let those pesky things get in the way). Seriously, he’s looking for an automobile. It’s not going to be hiding behind a baby carriage. Chelsea sends her male friend to go see what’s going on and so he’s peeking at Adam through a slightly opened door and then Adam comes in the house and that kid looked like he was going to Shasta McNasty in his skinny jeans. He asks Chelsea where his car is and Chelsea wont tell him. Great! I figured she would have been like, “Are we back together?” Of course, Adam has a fit, calls her a b*tch and walks out of the house. They end up locking the door and Chelsea’s friend looks like he’s about to take the second sh*t when he’s trying to get that damn door locked. Adam is left outside trying to figure out how to get his car back. At no point does he wish Aubree, his daughter, a happy birthday.
Unless Cheslea gets married to her dad next season, I’m not interested.
Well that’s that. On a serious note, in which I’m already giving myself secondhand embarrassment, I’d like to thank all of you for such a great recap season. The comments have been just as much fun as the recap. We’ve been through a lot; civil wars, attacks from Leah herself, hate mail, death threats, and the like. I mean the point is that even with all this I’m still not writing for The Soup. I mean, what the F. Seriously the world better not really end in 2012 or I’m going to be so pissed that I might end up not knifing some puffy leather. Yeah, I’m that mad. So thank you again to my long time readers, those who are new, those who found me from “the Google,” and the power mommy bloggers from BabyCenter, TheKnot, TheBump, TelevisionWithoutPity, TheNest, BargainHuntingMamas, SnottyKisses, CafeMom, and everyone else. It’s been a blast seeing this crapbag site all over the place. I definitely have the best readers in the pop culture blogosphere and appreciate all the Faceobook “likes.” It actually surpasses most all other blogs, including Perez (maybe you’ve heard of him). I sincerely thank all of you and you should know I mean it because I just bolded the word “sincerely.” You’re welcome.
Episode Rating: 1 old mugshot, 1 new mugshot, 1 Barb beat-down and, of course, 1 crying Farrah
Teen Mom 2 Related Links:
Jenelle Fights Some Girl on Her Front Lawn. I Pretend It’s Barb.
Barb is Bustin’ Balls on Minimum Wage
White Trash With Black Trash Bags
Suzi, Our Unsung Skittish Hero
High, High. Yaw Both High and Smokin’ Weeeed!
Teen Mom 2 Hits Up the Oregon Trail!
Jenelle’s Master Plan With the US Dept of Education
The Episode Where I Almost Ended Up on the Today Show
Join Jenelle’s Moms Facebook Fanpage
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