Jersey Shore Recap: Cookah’s of Our Lives

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Is Sammi Talking to George Glass? – Per usual, we pick up right where we leave off every week which is (say it with me!) Ronnie and Sammi fighting. Hooray! AnnaMae is going to have to take five, for real, because Arvin without an M is on the duck phone and telling tall tales about sucking face with Sammi in the past. Sammi is, of course, denying it, but she’s not overly believable as she’s kinda talking on the phone in the way you would if you were trying to pretend someone was on the other end, but wasn’t, and then the phone rang in your ear. Anyone else ever do that before? Just me? Carry on. And why is Grandpa Sitch putting everyone on blast? I actually don’t care I just know that there are not many more instances when I can use that term. I’m already having separation anxiety.

Sunday Dinner Looks Like Angelina’s Luggage – They always brag about how wonderful their Sunday dinners are, but have you ever looked at the spread before? And, no, I’m not talking about when Snooki does crotchless backflips in the living room…we’ll get to that in a bit. I’m talking about everything on the table. There’s red plastic cups, pasta, ketchup, and champagne. This is basically what my dinner table would look like it I let my 2 yr old niece set my kitchen table. The only thing is that she’s actually pretty smart and would probably choose appropriate things and, well, I also don’t have a kitchen table, but enough about me.

Every Time Sammi Lies Her Fred Flintstone Toe Grows – Well what do we have here? Apparently after denying it for two episodes now, Sammi finally admits to kissing Arvin 3 years ago when she was 21. Ronnie is trying to tell her that she has to right her wrongs of walk away because he’s been dedicated to her and she’s “done him wrong” this whole time. Um, I’m sorry Ike but did you know that we have this little thing called “Footage of Season 2: Miami” when you were on some kind of coke-meth-roid-bloody-anus-vodka rage? Yeah, and we have eyes (some of us with two) and we saw you do your MTV 1999 Daytona Beach MTV Spring Break triple kiss at “da club” with “da skanks.” Your honor, the defense breasts.

Random Roof Decks = Random Guests – Danny Tanner from the t-shirt store is having a big random party on some roof that will probably end up collapsing from the weight of JWoww’s bare breasts. Here’s the thing, everyone gets to invite up to three God-damn random people. For example, Vinny invited one of his lazy eyes and also his Uncle Nino, the town drunk (allegedly). At first I assumed that JWoww invited Jeff Daniels as his character Harry Dune from “Dumb and Dumber” but apparently is was just her dad. Snooki invited her tall friend and VaDeena invited her short friend. It was like a Dr. Seuss book. Perhaps something like, “Oh the Places You’ll Ho” for example.

Next thing you know as if we couldn’t run out of things to start convulsing into seizures with from watching this party, the gang whips out a Pinata and they literally use Uncle Nino’s cane to try and beat the bag out of it. Now I may not have a crystal ball, but let’s double down on the bet that Ronnie will be using said cane to also beat the bag out of Sammi before the episode concludes.

Reason #805 Why Time Warner Cable Sucks in NYC – Unlike Snooki’s cookah, my cable shut down right when VaDeena was trying to dinky block her friend from getting sexually assaulted by Vinny. I’ll assume nothing overly important happened here unless VaDeena’s top popped off or something and Uncle Nino started motor-boating like he was taking a hit from his oxygen tank. Please fill me in if I’m correct.

Snooki’s Cookah Cartwheels – I don’t think I’m spelling “cookah” right especially because Google keeps saying to me: Did You Mean: Cookie? And you know what? I kinda do. Either way through the grace of all the trash box’s out there in the universe, my cable box snapped back on right when Snooki was doing cartwheels in the “parlor” and asking Pauly D/Ellen Travolta if you could see her cookah. She then goes to the mirror, bends over, and starts booty dancing to see how much of her “gentlemen greeter” peeks out to say hello to all the good little boys and girls. Typically if this happens, it’s also a sign of six more weeks of winter. The More You Know (cue: shooting star).

“Da Club” Where JWoww Becomes a Women – Everyone is ready to go to town one last time. Snooki lets us know it’s the night to do “all your sins” like getting drunk, hooking up with an old man, and stealing a plant. Ironically those three things are in the Bible right after the section that tells you to bang your neighbors wife on Sunday. At least I think that’s what it said. Eh, that’s what I took away from it during 12 years of Catholic school. Anybox, whilst blind drunk Roger asks JWoww to be his girlfriend and now they’re officially official. Officially. When JWoww tells Snooki the news she immediately squeals with delight and begins to play your standard game of telephone with VaDeena to alert her of the news. I was waiting for VaDeen to shout out, “You’re going fishing with stockings?” As “happy” has Snooki is for JWoww I have a funny feeling that once the cameras stop rolling she’ll be in the fetal position in the closet devouring an entire Entenmann’s cake all whilst slapping herself in the face and looking in the mirror repeating “Not good enough. Not good enough.” You know, or “Sunday” as I’m sure Snook’s likes to call it. I jest. Me gusta La Snooki.

So Snooki is Banging Alice from the Brady Bunch? – I assumed Anne B. Davis was dead, but apparently she’s alive and well and has taken the body of a young boy from “da club” in which Snooki shall be doing “the banging” with. Apparently she’s bung (??) him in a previous episode, but he looks different as before he had the blowout, but now he’s sporting a tight home permanent. Snooki takes Alice home and makes him a grilled cheese before she brings him to bed to have Whiskey Sex, which Snooki thinks makes your pee-pee hard for 5 hours. I think it has more to do with the fact that Whiskey gets you blind enough drunk that you can actually have “the sex” with Snooki. Oh, and why was this dude asking her where she learned to make grilled cheese? It’s cheese and bread in a frying pan. What’s to learn? You would have thought Alice would have known this as she makes it on the regular for Greg, Marsha, Jan, Peter, Bobby and Cindy. Duh.

Roger Calls in Drunk – A genuine laugh out loud (or LOL as the kids in the early 90’s chatrooms like to say) when Roger and JWoww get back from “da club” and Roger has to call in sick to work and does so completely trashed with JWoww screeching in the background that she cut off his balls and made him her boyfriend. Bravo. Brilliant performance all around. The only thing that was missing was Snooki’s cookah in the background or the foreground…depending which way you’re looking. It’s like my left and your right. I don’t know.

Ike and AnneMae: Just for Old Time Sake – 10 minutes wouldn’t be the same without another fight from Sammi and Ronnie. And, well, it’s a drunk fight so you know it’s going to be good. And, well, it takes place in the bathroom so you know it’s going to stink. And, well, it ends with Sammi shouting “You’re the biggest mistake I ever made in my life” and Ronnie being quickly ushered through the house by Grandpa Sitch because he’s in tears. Bonus points for Ronnie inserting, “I keep it real” into his fight with Sammi. This is like pure magical product placement for Xenadrine. Isn’t that what Anna Nicole died from? Fingers crossed.

One Last Dog Sh*t – Annnnnd one last time we get to see the dog taking a Shasta McNasty on the rug. I’m really going to miss seeing dog feces on the regular. I’ll have to Google pictures of Sammi when I get sad.

For Those of You Keeping Track at Home, This is the 405th Break Up for Ronnie and Sammi – I mean at this point I feel like I can mouth the words of their break-up conversation. What a real shame. Sammi, clearly, doesn’t want to move on as she can only find her self worth in Ronnie and Ronnie wants to be single for now because he wants to have this control and power over Sammi since he can’t seem to gain this same control over his mothers drinking problem (allegedly). Dr. Drew, how close am I?

In the End – In the end everyone packs up their crap after breakfast (and after another dog takes another sh*t on the floor and everyone just pretends that they’re ok with it) and heads on out of Pedophile Manor, possibly for good. Ron and Sam go their separate ways (but will be together again one day for all eternity in the fiery pits of hell), and everyone else peaces out as well. Of course, Snooki leaves us with some final words of wisdom including the fact that she’ll one day become President and that VaDeena will be her Vice President, the economy will rise, everyone will be tan, and all radio stations will play house music. I actually believe all of those things will happen. All of them.

Well folks, that’s another season of Jersey Shore recaps under my belt (right around my nuts area). Thanks, as usual, for sticking with me day after day and week after week. You may have come here originally for the Jersey Shore but over time I locked you into my web and I know you’re here to stay….like herpes. Goodnight everyone.

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