Mar
22

Real Housewives of Orange County: Peggy’s Penis is Aging

Posted by IBBB

Read More On: real housewives of orange county

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Alright boys, girls, and those who have both a bonker and bunker because it’s story time with IBBB. Pull up your nap mats and don’t fondle your neighbor because we’re about to discuss all the wonder that is RHOC (pronounced “Ahh-Hawk”).

This time around Vicki is so busy woo-hoo’ing that she barely has time to figure out the fact that she is completely renovating her entire house because she’s afraid to make her one major house change; removing Don. Therefore, Vicki must think that by putting down new floors and a new kitchen she will solve the emptiness that is her marriage. It’s a sad day in Whoville, but I think Vicki is making a great decision because she deserves to be happy. More importantly, I don’t care. I say let’s just fast forward to the divorce so we can all turn red from secondhand embarrassment when Vicki starts to date and tries to be “sexy on camera.” Oh, and we’ll get to Tamra’s bathtub scene in a few.

In unrelated news, you know who has major gums? Vanna White. Who knew?

Meanwhile, Gretchen, Alexis, Peggy and Peggy’s post op vag all head out for a day of buying shoes and trying to pretend that their hair isn’t too long and muppet-like for their age. You know who’s balls must be sweating whilst trying on shoes? Peg’s. These chicks are all talking about how they like to put on sexy shoes for their husbands and wear nothing else. In fact, Alexis even talks about (puke) tying up her husband (burp) with silk scarves and (vomit) going at it. Just like it says in the Bible! I’m not entirely sure her husband will be fully into this. Plus you totally know her husband needs one hand free so he can surf kiddie porn websites while Alexis gives him some wonky eye oral pleasure. And also, Peg needs to cut the sh*t and cut it right now. She’s 1 inch away from tucking her hair into her granny panties and turning into a feces Medusa. You know what I mean. Plus, she can stop bragging about wearing high heels for her husband. We all know it’s so she can get her penis closer to his mouth without having to bend. For those of you keeping track at home, we’re up to about 4 penis jokes and I have no intentions of ever slowing down.

So what else? Ah yes, Gretchen and Slade are heading out to Palm Springs because, I mean, why the hell not. If they’re going to take a trip they might as well pack their ridiculous bikes. Gretchen’s has a red basket on it like she’s f’n 4 years old and Slade’s cost about $700 but looks like an exact replica of the one Jan Brady used to crash into the fence in the backyard on the regular. I hope Slade rides it up the highway and just sees what happens. And what’s up with Gretchen being crazy and calling Slade “chubba-wubba?” I actually got embarrassed typing that. Slade is, for sure, the big b*tch in this relationship. It’s quite possible that Peg is letting Gretch borrow her ding-a-ling.

Everyone seems to be going away in this episode, but Alexis and her husband seem to take the cake. Let’s just go on record stating that Bravo is basically going to edit every single episode to make it seem like Alexis’ husband hits her with a closed fist all season. Alexis is losing her mind because she’s forced to pack all the bags for the family trip (10 minutes away) to San Diego and she had to plan everything. Yeah, that’s called “being a mom.” And you have a nanny so this gives you plenty of extra time to call the cops and report your husband as a possible Level III. Just a guess. After packing up two cars with 10 pieces of luggage, they are all ready to head on their trip with Nanny to boot. Ruh-roh, they forgot the Nanny’s 1 and only bag. Basically she”ll be forced to wear her beat up football t-shirt and one filthy banana clip unless someone comes and delivers her bag…that is probably filled with more dirty football t-shirts and banana clips. Eh, at least it’ll be a new rotation.

We learn that Alexis’ husband loves the children, but can basically only take them for 2-3 hours a day. That’s nice. And I think that Alexis is fine with it too because she says the Bible says that the husband is the boss. I wonder what it’s like being Alexis and, you know, living all the way back there in 25 B.C.? Can she point out the part in the Bible that discusses getting surgically enhanced rocket knockers and stripper hair? Oh, and selling your soul on reality television? Is that in Genesis? I’m not great with the Bible so I may be mistaken. Although, her husband does take care of her really well and by “taking care of her” I, of course, mean “buys himself 2 watches for $27,000.” Douche. More importantly, what did the kids get? You know, besides used lip gloss.

Back on Planet Amazon, Peg has her mother in law come over to somehow give her a test to see how she’s aging. I have no clue. Apparently her mother-in-law just got some crazy apple stem cells from Sweden jacked all over her face, like a pig. Next thing you know she’s making Peg take a piss in a cup so she can see if her cells are dying. After Peg takes a leak in the cup (presumably standing up) we learn that Peg is aging but lucky for her the mother-in-law as some gold glitter Buddy Band that can hook up to her computer and make Peg young again. Is she for real with this sh*t? I’m pretty sure this is the same way they made Vicky the Robot on Small Wonder. I can’t even imagine living like these people.

Finally, in the end, we are all honored to meet Tamra’s new boyfriend, Eddie. I like when grown men keep their childhood nickname. Eddie. As expected he’s dressed almost head to toe in Ed Hardy-type clothes that are all too small for him. And he stares at her like he’s a rapist on the loose. Their dinner with that random friend was so creepy since they kept making out at the table. As if things couldn’t get worse, Tamra decides to go back to Eddie’s house and set up a “sexy scene” in his bathroom by lighting candles around the tub, Aquanetting her fried bangs back to her scalp exposing her larger than life forehead, and then getting naughty nakey-nude-nude in the tub. Oh, and did I mention that she did this with a camera crew present? Trash box. She tries to lure Eddie into the bathroom and, to his surprise, she’s laying in the tub naked (probably leaving a ring around it) and I am terribly embarrassed for her, for me, and for all of “the America.” Next thing you know Eddie is taking it all off to get in the tub with Tamra. I’m not sure who had larger breasts, Tamra or Eddie. Honestly, if I was the camera guy I would have been like, “Cut. Excuse me. You’re a pig. Put some clothes on and start acting like you’re a mother of 3.” I’m sure her kids are going to be psyched when they see mommy getting it in with some other dude who isn’t daddy…on camera I was just waiting for Vicki to smash her head through the bathroom window and yell “Woo hoo!”

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28 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

Kasi Said,
“…She’s a small wonder…”
Jazzy Said,
I believe Eddie is gay. NTTAWWT
Kat79 Said,
I think watching the porn scene was the most uncomfortable I’ve felt since well uh watching RHOM Marisol’s mother. And I’d rather hang with her then watch those two get busy again.
Angie Said,
The Jan Brady comment was priceless. I laughed out loud. You rock, as usual!
Ashley in NC Said,
Oh my gosh, Alexis makes me cringe. Thank you for calling her out.

Also, the “removing Donn” comment you opened with comment was perfect. Nice!
Ashley in NC Said,
Oops. A little too excited to form a coherent sentence. You know what I mean.
Eva Said,
What the hell has Gretchen done to her face and I cant even imagine how Tamra feels it is ok to have the world see that set up soft porn, also her forehead has grown 6 inches since last season.
That's all you got? Said,
@ Jazzy – my Gaydar went off the charts when i saw Eddie too! did you see him take that REALLY big gulp of vino before jumping in the tub? (talk about getting a beard with some mileage on it…. ) i think Simon will get the last laugh in this story.
Cheryl Said,
This whole episode made me feel sick, esp the scene of Eddie and Tamra making out at the bar with their “friend/pimp” Marco. Yuk, get a room, preferably off camera!! How about Tamra shoving down that bowl of chips at the weird mexican cantina with Vicki? She must have forgotten her “whore in a tub in front of all the America” scene was coming up!
Lisa D Said,
Glitter Buddy Bands! Awesome Does she get Screech as her “buddy” for the day?
Jazzy Said,
@That’s all you got? Yes! He was preparing himself for being with his first. woman. ever.
natalie Said,
ha! one filthy banana clip!!!
jen Said,
That bath tub scene was disturbing.

I think Tamra has 4 kids.
dacabsarehere Said,
penis closer to his mouth? … love it! definitely something going on with piggys face, i couldn’t put my finger on it but now that you’ve hinted to it, i bet its the skin being stretched from her adam’s apple removal surgery. i have to say the housewives of oc are the most busted looking housewives of any franchise, besides marysols mom in miami who resembles the lion king. vicki who i lovingly refer to as “icky” has the face only a mother could love, it looks like someone kicked her with a cleat and left permanent marks.
Anonymous Said,
I am at the DMV – aka the 8th level of hell and I can’t stop laughing. So so hilarious. Bravo IBBB.
Jen Said,
So Marco is Eddies boyfriend and Tamra hired him to make her ex jelous, right?
Laine Said,
this. is. the. best. recap. I’ve. ever. read. Bravo, IBBB, bravo (like the network.)
Bri Said,
I freakin’ love this blog…your recaps are awesome!!! Keep up the good work. The Small Wonder, Vickey comment is making me die laughing!!!
Heather Said,
They are all getting ickier by the second. Vicki, admitting that she’s told everyone but her husband about selling the house – “I don’t care if Don wants to sell the house or not! It’s my life!” Nice. The best thing that has ever happened to that man is a divorce.

Alexis is about as classy as a nickel whore. Actually, I think they have more self-worth than Alexis. Is there anything she won’t do for an A-mex card? No, including getting talked to like a stray dog by her husband. Well, except maybe taking care of her own kids. Who has the time to pack all of that stuff for a 3 day trip? And I loved “Oh, don’t worry about the nanny’s bag. We’ll have the assistant drive it down.” The assistant? Lady, get a job! And when she drove up next to him so the kids could wave to him – and he zooms away? Maybe editing, but it wouldn’t surprise me. The Star gives her ex-husband his 15 minutes this week as he spills the trashbags about her cheating, lying, whoring, plastic surgery ways.

Tamra, I can’t think of anything that hasn’t already been said. Icky whore. She needs a Barbara in her life.
Anonymous Said,
This whole episode was disturbing.

The only person I like now is Peggy cuz I know the least about her.

Tamra is the NAST. She has kids. My friend saw her and Eddie at our gym the other day. I wonder if they were HUMPING in the lobby, cuz you know, he is so HUMPABLE.

He looks like he is about 5 ft tall like she is. I like how he had to down that glass of wine to brace himself for disaster awaiting in that bathtub. Truly she has no respect for herself.

And I’m glad you said it before me IBBB, Slade is Gretchens bitch and its sad. And I did ACTUALLY think she wasn’t with Jeff for the money, but now we all know she was. She clearly states all the time that Slade is only good for sex. I don’t know how much sex she was getting from a dying man, so that wasn’t about sex, and she didn’t want to LEASE him.. ready to run down the aisle for that one.

Writing is on the wall Slade. Have some respect and get the hell out.

And I like Alexis’ little remark about how Jim is SOO great.. oh.. AND he has $$$. IDK where that money is since the local paper is so full of how broke they are, but whatever. And no one goes to that ‘resort’ in RB unless they are A. a man and B. want to golf. Its primarily just for golf and not for kids. Spend some real $$$ and go stay in Del Mar. Thanksforplaying.
mkf Said,
Re: Alexis…the lady doth protest too much methinks! How many more times do we have to hear how great Jim is? Really? Then maybe Bravo should show it because right now, he looks like a douche-bag. P.S.–for anyone who doesn’t already know this, living in Ladera Ranch is not something to brag about and is actually embarrassing if Bravo is trying to make it out as if these ladies have any money. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a dump but it is NOTHING compared to Coto de Caza. I teach in the area so I know…really, I do. The houses are considered upper middle-class but by no means wealthy. Look at Gretchen’s house closely…it’s a tract house!
Dirty Darl Said,
FYI, when they first started running the promos for this season they showed the clip from Tamra’s bathtub scene and forgot to blur out her nipples. She nasty
Darlrocks Said,
I was just waiting for Vicki to smash her head through the bathroom window and yell “Woo hoo!” – LOVE IT!

Also, I had to change the channel with the bathtub scene. Way too disturbing. I feel embarrassed, and I’m not even sure for who…
Allie Said,
I have to lend my support to those thinking Eddie is gay.
My gaydar went off like I was hunting for Red October, my dog wasn’t even fooled.
Sausalito Said,
Tamra is so pathetic. She’s apparently so insecure that she has to do soft porn in front of the camera to try to convince people how hot she is.

I bet Eddie had to disinfect the tub afterwards.
Dani Said,
So much wrong going on in this episode. What a bunch of wackadoodles.

Jimbo is creepy beyond belief. He makes my skin crawl.

Gretchen has tweaked her face and turned into a major biotch this season. I don’t like Slade, but she is actually making him appear sympathetic. How is that even possible?

Tamra is in the throes of stupid love. She doesn’t see the gay vibe with Eddie. Really Tamra? That scene at the restaurant was like a couple of love sick teens. Embarrassing beyond belief. I don’t even want to discuss the love tub.

Love your recaps. Pure comedy gold.
Courtney Said,
Eddie is gay, right? I mean, the look of fear in his eyes when there was a naked woman in his tub was too much. And the gulping of the wine? Yeah. And I’m disappointed that Andy Cohen didn’t bring that up on WWHL. Come on, Andy!
frenchfille Said,
If you have this DVR’d, go back and watch how Eddie greets Marco at the restaurant. He was obviously happier to see him than Tamra. Awk-ward!! Add in the wine gulp before the soft core porn shoot, so GAY!