Jersey Shore Recap: Ronnie’s Drunken Mom + VaDeena’s Box = a Recipe for Success

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Ike and AnnaMae: The Sequel – Oh no Ike and AnnaMae are back in action this week right where we left off. At first I was like, “Oh yeah, I almost forgot Ronnie was about to get abusive.” There has to be some correlation between Ronnie’s physical altercations, verbal abuse, and his blood dripping anus. I’m no mathamascientist but I think I’m onto something. When Ike was about to put some stank into it across AnnaMae’s faccia bruta, all of a sudden AnnaMae totally admits to having Arvin meet her at “da club.” I’m pretty sure she said “hit me up” but it’s really hard for me to keep track of what “the kids” are saying these days. I mean, I just only started to get the difference between “get that” and “know that.” If you don’t know, it’s a world of difference. Anycrabs, Ike is all upset because of the whole Arvin situation and decides during his one on one interview that he may not love Sammi right now and “may not want that type of girl” anymore. Oh really? Look at you being ballsy. Of course he wants “that type of girl” because it’s “that type of girl” who puts up with an Ike “type of guy.” Oh, and also, I don’t care.

It’s a VaDeena in a Box! – All whist Ike and AnnaMae are going at it, VaDeena and Snooki are trying to have fun with their box. See what I did there? I am, of course, talking about an actual box that’s on the floor. Snooki enjoys punting the box all whilst VaDeena tries to squirm her fat ass into it as she thinks she’s “in a spaceship.” All I know is that there is a lot of smelly box in the room and it’s like everyone’s fingers are pointing at the other person. Personally, I think it’s fitting (pun intended after the fact) that VaDeena is getting up close and personal with the dynamics of fitting herself into a cardboard box, as after the final season of Jersey Shore she is likely to be living in one…so it makes sense she knows the dimensions now.  The only fault of her strategy is that her crunchy wet curls are going to act as an adhesive and she’s like to be stuck in the box for quite possibly a lifetime.

Snooki and Vinny’s Date – Seriously, this is getting as fake as Audrina and Justin Bobby’s filmed relationship. While they would dine at STK, Snooki and Vinny are at a “make your own burger” place where they just place an entire roll of paper towels in the middle of the table. Why not just state it on the menu that the “chef” mixes the special sauce with his Wonka-Claus and actual rats dip the onion rings into the batter? Basically I was waiting for Barth from Barth’s Burgery to ring the bell when the order was up. Bonus points if you have any clue what I’m referring to. Also, I am old.

Vinny is Ready for the Debutant Ball – Since we’re apparently still living in 1988, Vinny decides to get his ears pieced, but he is afwwwaid. Awww. I mean, Sammi has bigger balls than Vinny at this point (I’ve always had balls, honey). As if the t-shirt shop couldn’t get more sketchy, the Level III owner whips out a piercing gun from behind the counter and shots Vinny in each ear. I have a feeling he’s somehow spreading pink eye with this, but I digress. Low and behold Vinny has two “diamonds” in his ears and suddenly he is a whole new race? He’s like Vanilla Ice’s “simple” half-brother., Shecky Ice.  And Vinny keeps being a bragasaurus by saying that he’s like a G for not even flinching when he got his ears pierced.  Uh, actually he’s more like a big B because I’m if my memory serves my right I recall seeing legit 4 year old girls sitting in a chair in the jewelry “department” of Caldor’s getting their ears pierced all whilst giggling and playing with their Cabbage Patch dolls so, yeah, Vinny is a tough guy.

What’s VaDeena’s Favorite Part of Mario Brothers? Denim Denim Denim – Good old Pauly D/Ellen Travolta. He just keeps the laughs rolling. VaDeena apparently is totally ready for “da club” and is rocking her J-Lo-cameltoe-half-fupa-dungaree-jumper. Someone hang this sh*t in the Smithsonian. What scares me the most about this outfit is that VaDeena had to have looked in the mirror and said to herself “Ok. Ready.” Can you even imagine what the crotch must smell like in this J-Lo jumper after a night of throwing out Jersey Turnpikes left and right? My guess? Lohan’s wrists.

Grenades Identifying as Grenades. We’ve Come a Long Way – It’s a wild night at “da club” and everyone is holding up bottles and doing Amber’s “sexy-dance” moves. This folks, is what I envision hell to be like. And I don’t mean like “a bad time.” I mean legitimate hell. Like, where murders go. And future Olsen’s. Just when the place couldn’t get any creepier, all of a sudden Danielle, the Israeli Stalker” comes out of nowhere and wants to go back to Pedophile Manor with Pauly D. Clearly he wants nothing to do with her and it may be because she looks like she just took a frying pan to the face. In fact, I’m almost certain I saw cartoon birds flying circles around her head and I’m pretty sure she had “x’s” over her eyes. Before Pauly D bids her goodbye she asks him if he wants to get punched in the face. I think that’s very nice. She’s come a long way from just stalking. It’s very professional to stalk and ask your victim if they want to get hit vs. just going the hitting without asking. That’s Israeli etiquette for ya!

Later at another “da club” apparently called Aztec, the guys get assaulted by actual grenades. In fact, one girl who is smart enough to not sign the waver and have her face blurred out actually tells Pauly D that she is a grenade and would be ok with being his grenade for the night. Honestly, I feel like this stuff must happen all the time to them especially when the cameras aren’t there. I think there should be a show just about the girls that throw themselves at the guys. I mean, I also think there should be a show in which we try to will Nell Carter back to life, but I have different taste apparently so don’t take my advice, you know? Oh, and at the end of “da night” some 50 yr old two-ton woman tries to dance with Pauly D and he actually screams in her face and jumps back into the booth to try and escape her. She was a brick house, was mighty mighty, and was lettin’ it all hang out. The only thing missing from this scene was her ending her conversation by yelling, “And tell ‘em Large Marge set ya!!”

The Girl Who F*cks Her Brother (most likely) – Pauly D, Vinny, and Vinny’s earrings all take girls back to the house. Suddenly (because the script strongly suggests it) there is a knock on the door and it’s one of the girls brother. I think it was the girl who’s chin looked like it could carry its own face. Yeah, her. Anyway, the brother insists he’s not there to take his sister home, but just wanted to check in to see if he should come back tomorrow to get her. Translation: Are any of your orange STD’s banging my sister tonight, so I should just come back tomorrow? Pauly D gets cold feet and requests the creepy brother take his sister home tonight and come back for Vinny’s girl tomorrow. This makes “the sister” pissed and, because she’s a class act, tells everyone that Pauly D is a dick and how she’s rather bang Grandpa Sitch anyway. I’m sure somewhere in a double-wide these siblings parents are beaming with pride (and meth).

Rap-Off’s Always Lead to Tears – Seriously, am I high right now? I don’t do “da drugs” but I feel like I must be high. After Vinny is a complete d-bag to Snooki (although slightly funny when he tried to drag her off the floor and into his room to “do sex” to her), he decides to rap-insult Sammi SweatStains. This, of course, turns into the worlds worst rap-off, ever. Basically the rap part in Teen Witch during the “I’m Hot and You’re Not” scene made this look embarrassing. Vinny and Sam start battling it out and next thing you know Vinny finds words to somehow rhyme Sammi and sneaky together and that gets Sammi mad enough to quit the rap-off. Like Mr T always said, “I pity the fool who loses in a rap-off.” Fine, he never said that. Not even once. But I like to live in a world where I think Mr T is still relevant. I mean, I also live in a world where I think Mr. Belvedere is relevant. Basically anyone named “Mr.” Moving on.

If It’s One Thing That Ronnie’s Mom is All About, It’s Keeping it Real…Drunk – Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. So I was caught completely by surprise when during the day Ronnie’s mom called the house completely trashed and was talking to VaDeena. At first I was like what the hell is she talking about…and then she just says to VaDeena “I’m tan. I’m really tan. Like, Indian.” Awesome. Please, for the love of Jesus Claus, get Ronnie’s mom on this show and give her some drinks STAT. What a complete pleasant trash-bag surprise this was for me! She then continues by talking to ShamWow about how Ronnie really messed up in Miami. Awkward. Later, she’s talking to Grand Snitch who, of course, spills the beans about the Sammi and Arvin situation. Seriously Arvin? Get an “M.” Anyway, now we know where Ronnie gets it and, well, I’m intrigued…highly intrigued.

Grandpa Sitch Plays Monkey in the Middle – The entire end of this crapisode consists of Grandpa Sitch stirring up the douche stew between Ronnie and Sam. As the kids like to call it from time to time he’s putting Sammi “on blast.” Neat. Sammi catches wind of Grandpa Sitch trying to “mind f*ck” Ronnie about the whole boring Arvin deal and then a fight erupts between Sammi and Sitch.  I hope it turns into a rap-off! However, the fight instead turns into a traditional episode of the Sally Jesse Raphael Show when suddenly Sammi starts yelling at Mike, “You don’t know me, you don’t know me!” Uh, really? Because I think he does. You whore-mongers have lived together off and on for 3 years now. He may, he may be familiar with you. In the end, Grandpa Sitch ends up calling Arvin to find out if he ever hooked up with Sammi in the past. Once he admits to Ronnie that he made out with Sammi in the past Ike comes out in full force and AnnaMae better run for the hills. Looks like we’ll have to pick up with this next week…again.

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