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Jersey Shore Recap: Da Dip, Da Club, Da Split
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Grandpa Sitch is Definitely Banging the Dogs – When everyone goes out in the rain storm to get tanned within an inch of their lives, Grandpa Situation is lonely so, per usual, he takes to the dogs of the house. Ever notice how close he holds the little white one? He must think it’s coke. Minutes later he whips out the peanut butter to, what I assume, is lather all over his decaying junk and let the dog go to town. But, alas, he just spoons some out onto the floor and then adds some Fluff to the menu as well. Seriously, Fluff? You totally know that’s a shared jar between VaDeena and Snooki. One scoop down the hatch and two scoops smeared on the thighs. He even lets the dogs eat out of the trash, which is loving. Now if you know me, you know for my unnatural dislike of all things “animal” but even I am in fear of these two dogs catching herpes and “the syph” from being able to freely roam around Pedophile Manor. Seriously, if one of them claims the “Smoosh Room” or barks out “Get That” I’m calling animal control.
Later the dogs end up taking sh*ts all over the house and of course it is all captured on camera. Why, I ask, is this entire season about piss and Shasta McNasty? If it’s not multi-episodes about the toilet, it’s multi-scenes of dog crap. At one point I just thought it was an aerial shot of VaDeena on the beach but, nope, just your typical log of dog feces. Give it a poof and some glitter and you know Vinny would try to stick it in.
Pointless Meal – Either I’m getting desensitized to stereotypical Italians or the meal was really just that quick. and boring. What was the point of Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and Vinny going to his moms house in Staten Island for dinner? They’re like, “We ate pizza, and pasta, and chicken cutlets.” Really? And you get paid $60,000 an episode for that? Awesome. I might as well light my college diploma on fire and tell the US Dept of Education that they shant be getting any more US currency from me.
Snooki Bags ‘em Like Groceries – It wouldn’t be a normal night with everyone going to the same “da club.” Seriously, they should just shoot 8 hours of “da club” and break it out into 8 episodes. More efficient that way. And, since everyone is orange and gel’d no one would be the wiser. Anyjunk, Snooki lands herself a man right off that bat that may or may not be a 14 year old boy/30 year old lesbian. He claims he’s 21 and after Snooki asks him his last name she’s learned enough about him to have “the sex.” Per usual, on the walk home Snooki falls the ground and scrapes her knees until they are dripping blood. Between scrapes and rug burns you’d think she’d wear knee-pads when she went out. Luckily, this 14 year old was feeling frisky and bandaged her up and was ready to bang. Can you even imagine all the sand and blood stains in her bed? It’s what I imagine the inside of Amy Winehouse’s ballet slippers to be like. And do you think when guys are in bed with her and a camera in their face they’re thinking, “Holy Christ I’m about to give it to Snooki!” I’m certain Rhea Perlman went through the same type of thing during her Cheers days. There must be a support group. I will look into that.
Yawnie + Yawnie = Zzzzz – Guess what? Yawnie and Yawnie are drunk at “da club” and kissed on the sweat-pit-dance-floor. It turns into a minor argument on the walk home about who walked away and why didn’t he chase her and blah. Seriously, at this point just show me some more close ups of the dog sh*t and let me go to bed.
After 3 Seasons Vinny Finally Realizes He Forgot To Tan – Dude it’s called GTL for a reason. Has he been just doing GL this whole time? I feel lied to. Vinny decides that it’s time to get himself a spray tan because everyone knows that spray tans look very natural and not streaky at all. Oh, and they don’t give you orange Lohan wrists either. Vinny thinks he looks like another race after his tan, although I’m pretty sure he still looks like a white kid, but Burnt Sienna. I guess it’s better than being Brick Red. Also, anyone notice how JWoww and Sammi were sitting on a puffy leather couch whilst Vinny got his tan? Need I say more?
The Dip – As if I couldn’t feel any older than I do watching these shows, we learn a new phrase called “The Dip.” This is, of course in reference to JWoww driving home and seeing her “boyfriend” Roger in another car and then speeding away even when she is beeping at him. Apparently he had a girl in the car so he did “The Dip.” I guess this is a real thing. I’m 57.
Trash Bags are Fitting – Since I’m sure the producers told them they can’t be drunk 100%, but 99% is acceptable, the gang decides to have a good old fashion water balloon fight! And to top things off all the girls decided to wear trash bags and I really feel that was done on purpose and just for me. At first I was like, “Why is Angelina’s luggage running across the room?” but then I realized it was just your typical Hefty Synch-Sack. Vinny was also wearing a trash bag because he couldn’t get wet since he was freshly spray tanned and didn’t want to look stupid…duh! I was laughing, actually, when Ronnie snuck up on VaDeena and wailed her right in the face with a water balloon. Sadly, I’m sure it’s not the first or last time that night that something exploded in her face. That’s like a sex joke. Was that not clear?
Like, Ron and Sam Have, Like, Changed And Stuff Because It’s Been, Like, Two Full Days and Neither of Them Have Destroyed, Like, Each Others Personal Property – These two need electric shock therapy. And give me a few volts while you’re at it.
A Complete Change of Scenery – The gang is ready for something completely different than the boardwalk in Seaside so they decide to go to Jenk’s (??) for something new…like a new boardwalk…with new guidos…and new rides. It’s nice they keep an open mind. At one point they go over to the aquarium to see a live penguin walk around and I’m pretty certain it was running to VaDeena thinking she was its mother. I’m sure the penguin can do splits like VaDeena too. Sidenote, did anyone notice earlier when VaDeen did a split in the middle of the room and someone yells out, dead serious, “Oh wow Deena, good job!” Like they think it’s a full fledged talent. Anyway, when the instructor asks the entire group of people watching the penguin what kind of animal it was, Sammi basically called it horse and then turned red-face right into the camera. I mean, technically she said “mammal” but she might as well said “horse.” The correct answer is “bird.” Stop tanning.
Was Rosie O’Donnell Their Van Driver at Jenk’s? - Some things don’t have answers.
What Actually is Arvin? – Grandpa Sitch’s friend “Arvin” apparently got text messages from Sammi about meeting her at “da club.” Wait, are they still at the aquarium? Which animal, technically, is Arvin? Grandpa Sitch ends up “snitching” to JWoww about the text messages, and then they both tell Snooki and VaDeena. Basically everyone knows except Sammi. Snooki ends up spilling the scripted beans to Sammi and, as expected, Sammi freaks the F out. Uh oh, I have a feeling she’s going to be “doing her” tonight and then that means that Ronnie is going to be “doing him.”
Sammi says that Arvin is her “friend” and she tries to confront him, but Ronnie gets…wait for it…wait for it….pissed off and they both end up…wait for it…wait for it…fighting. And if it’s one thing we know Ronnie loves and that’s “keeping it real.”
Does Sammi Think Her Fingers are Guns? – Everyone thinks that Sammi is a lying skanky triple fat goose and yet she’s pissed at Grandpa Sitch for “starting sh*t.” I have to say I actually believe Sam. I think she and Arvin are just friends. I think that she is so low self esteem and daddy issues that there is no way she’ll move on from Ron. Like she’ll do murder-suicide before that happens. Get that.
Things take a (no left in Jersey) turn for the worse when Grandpa Sitch and Sammi start brawling over who’s the most shady. I mean, really? That’s like trying to figure out which Olsen Twin is the tallest. Not possible. Sammi starts using her fingers as a gun and telling Grandpa Sitch that he’s so shady. She knows there are no bullets in her fingers, right? And was it just me or were you pretty sure Vinny wanted to “smell her gun” when he walked by?
In the End – In the end Ronnie tries out a cookie analogy, but fails miserably. Ronnie ends up in a roid rage screaming at Sammi how he cried over her and for nothing. Pauly D hits the nail on the head when Sammi and Ronnie are screaming and he says that he’ll kill himself if their relationship continues. That makes him + all of America. So, like, 25,000 people or something. Oh, and I’m pretty sure that Ronnie was going to sock her with a closed fist. Run AnnaMae, run!
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Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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alwayssunny Said,
a few things i loved last night, pauly yelling “o’doyle rules” and screaming like a girl during the water balloon fight. also, vinny’s splotchy spray tan and the fact that the song “da dip” was in my head the whole episode.
does anyone else think it’s funny that they always take a cab to the club but almost never take one home from the club? if i was picking one, i’d pick being driven home when i’m trashed so i don’t fall and bust my ass…deena. also from those aerial shots they show “da club” is approximately 1.5 blocks from their house so why are you taking a cab again? i guess if they didn’t we wouldn’t get to hear pauly yell “cabs ahh heahhh” and it wouldn’t really be jersey shore.
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WhyAmIStillWatchingThisShow Said,
Is it just me, or was everyone completely freaking out for no reason about Sam texting that guy “Arvin”? I mean, her and Ron broke up and then she left the house – isn’t she basically allowed to do whatever the EFF she wants? Everyone was mad at her ‘cus Ron was crying and miserable and she was texting guys – uhh WHO CARES! They weren’t even together.
*sigh. It’s sad that I’m this emotionally vested in a bunch of guidos.
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cameltoe Said,
I laughed when the girls were getting ready for da club and one of them asks, “what are we wearing?” Umm what are the choices…hooker couture or stripper wear?? They always wear the skankiest clothes they can find so why even ask?
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Les Said,
OMG I about peed when Pauly said “O’Doyle Rules”! Pure gold!
I’ll be seeing Pauly in DC tomorrow and if I get the chance I will personally thank him for his words of wisdom every week!
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Natalie Said,
Was it just me or does this show seem to be the greatest thing that has ever happened to Vinny’s family? Seriously, they all look so happy and camera ready when they show them, and they all fawn all over Vin like hes the Dahli Lama or something.
I thought it was funny when Pauly informed us he did not really know Staten Island was an actual island until he went over the bridge. I found it funny because I too can never remember if Staten Island, Long Island, and Rhode Island are or are not actual islands!
No way that “guy” Snooki brought home was legal. He looked like my 17 yr old step brother.
IBBB – I am surprised you didn’t bring up how Snooks wants her future husband to have a vowel in his last name. It is very important to her that her husband has a vowel in his name because she wants her kids to have a vowel in THEIR name, and so on. C’mon, Nicole! There are only like 10 actual English words with NO vowels!
Can someone explain the “Dip”? Does it just mean he zig zagged his way away from her? I too am too old to keep up with what the young’uns are saying these days.
That Arvin guy was a complete tool. When he came up to Sitch in da club I took it like he had bumped into Sitch, saw cameras and knew Sitch was there filming this show and that Sam would be there. When he asked where Sam was, it sounded like “Hey man good to see you, where is Samantha at?” Then he said she had texted him recently and said he should come hang out. Sitch TOTALLY blew that up and took it out of context. But then they were all too drunk to explain themselves properly. “I think that she has such low self esteem and daddy issues that there is no way she’ll move on from Ron. Like she’ll do murder-suicide before that happens. Get that.” ABSOLUTELY.
@Les: Hope you get to talk to him!!
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Natalie Said,
PS: My favorite line of the recap: “Things take a (no left in Jersey) turn for the worse ” HA HA HA!!!!!
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WhyAmIStillWatchingThisShow Said,
I think what Snooki meant to say was that she wants a guy who’s last name ENDS in a vowel because supposedly most Italian last names only end in vowels. But she didn’t say that well because she’s plastered 99.9% of the show and never makes any sense whatsoever.
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LisaP Said,
i loved when grandpa referenced sammi as “sammi, sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.” the way he said it was so funny.
i, too, was confused by “the dip.” and what was “espy”?
@natalie – good theory about vinny’s family. did you hear vinny’s uncle call them all “good kids.” please. -
Felicity Said,
“Seriously, if one of them claims the “Smoosh Room” or barks out “Get That” I’m calling animal control.”
Too funny. And isn’t Arvin from Head of the Class? Where’s Dennis? (I am so old)
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Jessi Said,
I watch this show for so many off reasons, but my number one reason? Pauly D. They should show more of him, and less of Sammi+Ronnie. Like a “Pauly D power hour”.
I was surprised you didn’t say anything about Snooki’s drunken “I want my babies to have a vowel in their names and, you know, be tan.”
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dacabsarehere Said,
best parts of the show … when vadeena fell on her ass in the kitchen. she is a walking joke and i love it. vinny threatening to kill himself if the fighting continues. as you said, he was reading the mind of an entire univers and again, i cannot stress enough how i love your anna mae comparisions. i don’t even hear ronnie talk anymore, all i hear is his lingo mixed in with some good ole’ ike “anna mae, eat the cake anna mae, you can’t handle it anna mae, keep it real” … nothing like a xenadrine induced-roid rage to end the show, i hope her new glasses survive this one.
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KittyKat Said,
Snooki will totally spray tan her babies. And probably be stoked if they have jaundice.
Last night’s episode was honestly a snooze fest. Ugh. Seriously, I found it hard to watch…I kept thinking to myself, “Just go to bed.” I’m so sick of Ronnie and Sam fighting, it’s boring. I want more Pauly D randomness. Hell I’d even take Snooki talking about how she needs to poop. (Sidenote: Now, whenever that course of nature hits me, I say it just like Snooks did while sitting in the minifridge eating a pickle.)
Loved your recap! And I love you because you’re winning. Duuuhh.
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LisaP Said,
i know this is off topic, but in today’s new york post in an article about grandpa “bombing and getting booed” at a roast for donald trump, the reporter says that “sitch smelled strangely like a hot dog up close.” seriously…did anyone else see it. Page Six in the ny post, friday.
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kerry Said,
It wasn’t sexy at all seeing all that drunken tongue between the yawnies.
While I love being able to describe their complexions using the crayola orange section I just want to ask Vinnie – what’s so wrong with being apricot?
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Kiera Said,
What is up with the Sitch…he’s getting a little nutty. It’s obvious he’s on the outs with the guys, they aren’t inviting him to go out with them anymore.
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Little Suzy Said,
“I might as well light my college diploma on fire” – - > that’s pretty much how I feel whenever I watch any of the shows you recap.
Hey, I also need an explanation of “the dip.” Anyone?
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Brianna Said,
ARVIN IS LOU FERIGNO’S (THE ORIGINAL HULK) SON!! SPOT ON!
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Meg Said,
@alwayssunny- I wondered about the cab thing too, but my husband pointed out that they probably want to be “fresh to death” before getting to the clubs and the walk would make the sweaty.
And I’m from Staten Island and have to say, most of us are mortified at Vinny (and Angelina for that matter). Vinny and Angelina and the other morons MTV puts on TV from Staten Island are a very small minority. But they’ve definitely made us the social pariah of the five boroughs.
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Kayla Said,
Lmao to Snookie being happy if her kid had jaundice! Clever!
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jenn Said,
The Dip – I too was confused by this, maybe it means he dipped down in his seat….so as to not be seen? Idk, just a guess, I’m old too.
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TheDip Said,
“The Dip” basically means like dipped out – like got out of the situation quickly. So it can be used in many situations. Perhaps like “most people would dip from the Smush room as soon as they saw it” or “I saw my ex-girlfriend on the boardwalk and I had to do the dip”…..so getting the f-out of the situation. Roger dipped out by losing them.
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IsStupidityContagious? Said,
“we’re going to staten island…it’s an actual island”
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julie Said,
I’m 16 and “the dip” is not commonly said among my colleagues and I. It is considered a phrase said by those who may intellectually inferior, or someone is not cool ,but is trying to sound cool. (I feel like I have to talk extra smart or else everyone will think that all 16 yr olds act like the twits on 16&preg!)
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Kelly Said,
Just in case you were curious… “Jenks” is short for “Jenkinson’s.” It is the company that owns most of the boardwalk in Point Pleasant, NJ. It is about 15 minutes north of Seaside.
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Blast in a glass Said,
Was anyone else waiting for Sam to yell “we were on a break!” Ross and Rachel style?
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Urban Dict Said,
Urban Dictionary states the dip is…”To get the hell out of somewhere.”
Example: When I saw the Vanilla Ice cd in my date’s cd player, I knew I had to dip.
by Laura Claire Jun 1, 2004Yeah 2004, I know JS didn’t just try to make that up.
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M Said,
Did anyone else notice the tiny guy JWOWW was walking with on the way home from “da club”? He was eclipsed by Snookie losing her footing, but I had to rewind my DVR to try to figure him out.
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Kiera Said,
What is up with the Sitch…he’s getting a little nutty. It’s obvious he’s on the outs with the guys, they aren’t inviting him to go out with them anymore.
Arvin…ugh….butt ugly.
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Belinda Said,
Either I’m over tired thanks to the geniuses over at Daylight Savings, Inc (little late on reading the recap) or this is one of the funniest blogs I’ve read by Patrick! -And I’ve been a silent stalker since The Hills days.
@Felicity-I nearly choked on my lunch with the Head of the Class reference!
Trash bags wearing trash bags.
