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Jersey Shore Recap: Get Hesstatic! VaDeena Is.
El Pollo Has Come Home to Roost – All hail Sammi SweatStains is back at Pedophile Manor! Thank Christ because after a long and emotional 2 days of Sammi working on herself and “doing her” she is fully cured from “the crazy” and is back in action with a brand new pair of glasses. Honestly, I would like her 3,000 times better if she walked in the door wearing her glasses that Ronnie smashed and was like “Hey. Why do I see 15 of you…psych!” Ugh, Sammi really could be so much more likable. Anyway, Ronnie looks speechless that Sammi just showed up. Eh, it’s either speechless or being physically drained from a horrific cocktail of Xenadrine and dripping bloody anus…or “a case of the Monday’s” as I’m sure Ronnie likes to call it. It’s then that Sammi really hits Yawnie below the belt and I’m not talking in his roided out Qbert dangler. I’m talking even lower than that. She tells him…wait for it…wait for it….she tells him that he looks pale. No joke. Now keep in mind, ladies and gentlemen, he’s actual the color Burnt Sienna right now so Sammi is just trying to add salt into the wound (the wound of course being, say it with me, his bleeding anus).
Suddenly things quickly turn into a middle-school dance and the girls go outside and then boys stick together in the other room. I was actually laughing when the guys were making fun of Sam and pretending they were her grilling everyone if Ronnie talked to any girls when she was away. You know Grandpa Snitch was being “real” during the imitations as he was not talking in a “street” southern dialect.
Reasons Why VaDeena Needs to Practice Flashcards - During her one on one interview, VaDeena lets us all know how happy she is that Sammi is back. In fact, she actually says that she is “hesstatic.” At first I thought she was trying to make up a new word (like GTL, DTF, etc) but then I realized she really thought you pronounced the word “ecstatic” as “hesstatic” of course meaning: One who gets a static shock whilst pumping gas at a Hess station. Seriously, she’s bricks.
Later while waiting to head out for the night she asks everyone if she looks “embarrassing.” Really? Is she really asking that? Keep in mind that she’s about 4 feet tall, 185 pounds, the color of Ernie, has crunchy wet curls down to her ass, and is sitting there with band-aids on her knee. She’s more than embarrassing. She’s humiliating. And, if she wasn’t she would have never been cast on this here show.
Everyone is Pathetic at “Da Club - Forget the club can’t even handle me right now. I can’t handle the club right now. Everyone there is pathetic and I’m strictly talking about the cast. Maybe it’s because they’re trying to communicate in a sea of banana clips, but Yawnie is chasing Sammi around, who’s dressed like a Fly Girl. Meanwhile, Snooki is frizzed the F out, stammering, slurring, and whining over the fact the she has feelings for Vinny and she’s afraid he’s going to bring a girl home. Speaking of Vinny, he really found his match when he meets a girl from the Dominican. He says he likes Dominican girls because they’re tan. Yeah, Dominican girls are tan like Harriet Tubman wore bronzer. I have no idea what any of that means, but if it’s one thing I love it’s Harriet Tubman. No joke, ever since I was 7 years old any time I had to write a book report I would always always always choose to write something on Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad. So fascinating. Wait, where was I? Ah yes, Vinny’s girl claims she wants to have ten babies with him right now and she isn’t joking. Although, from the looks of her I will assume she already has 9 babies and just wants to make 1 with Vinny so she can have an even 10. It’s a tough call. P.S, VaDeena needs to stop yelling “single ladies” in every episode because it doesn’t make her look hot, it makes her look desperate. It’s like, of course you’re a single lady the same way as I am a loser blogger. I don’t need to wear a t-shirt that says it, it’s just implied.
JWoww Drunkenly Peeing in the Street and Onto VaDeena’s Foot is Actually How They Baptize People in New Jersey - no additional recap or commenting needed.
Stop the Press, Yawnie II Has Come to Life - I can’t believe I’m about to type this, but Sammi actually made me laugh…and I did it out loud. When Snooki was crying over Vinny’s bum eye having sex with the tanned Dominican chick, Sammi just says to her “Ugh, please she looks like a rodent.” Take a bow Sammi because after three seasons you’ve finally earned your spot as a cast-member. I guess “doing you” really paid off. P.S Your moms carpets are bright pink. Please use some of your JS money to provide new rugs for her. Thank you. Signed, a Concerned Citizen of the World.
Ronnie is Rough - Roid rage? Maybe. Did anyone else notice how when Ronnie tried to get Snooki and Sammi out of Vinny’s room he pushed them into the wall? Hit me again, Ike!
If Rhea Perlman Can Drive, So Can VaDeena – The whole gang is off to go bowling, as if their fingers haven’t been in enough dirty holes already in the past 24 hours. Seriously, I should just stop there because I can’t top that. Anyway, VaDeena decides to drive half of them and is literally all over the road. They’re all freaking out that she’s driving because they’re all afraid they’re going to die. Why are they so shocked? I mean, if you’re not going to give her a phone book to sit on then this is the outcome you deserve…to be splattered across the highway. Press-on nails, pieces of weave, smeared bronzer and glitter all over the road.
Snooki is So Sad and I Know Why - Snooki thinks she’s all depressed because of her behavior the night before in regards to crying over Vinny. Everyone is sitting around trying to figure out why she’s so sad. They think it’s because she really wants a boyfriend. If I was on the show I would be in the corner yelling through a megaphone, “She has been drinking for the past 2 weeks 18 out of 24 hours per day. She has alcohol withdrawals!” Whilst most of us call this a “typical Sunday” Snooki must play this game even on a Tuesday afternoon. The pressure of being a “star.”
The Toilet Again? Really?? - Enough with this toilet drama. Unless they’re going to put some extensions on it and spray-tan it orange, I’m not interested in knowing any more about that damn toilet. All the guys are blocking their noses and screeching over how bad the toilet smells, when you totally know it can’t be much worse than the rotten vaginastein’d skanks that they bring home on the regular from “da club.” Plus, I envision it to smell like Snooki’s poof. Oh, and long story short the reason why the toilet has been clogged this whole time is because Vinny apparently flushed a t-shirt down the toilet. Even worse..it was a size small. Awww, Vinny is a petite. That’s precious.
Oh Cheesus - See what I did there? Since Snooki, Yawnie, and Yawnie are tired of being functioning, yet physically abusive and emotionally unstable alcoholics they decide to not drink for the night. So instead “Team Sober” decides to prank Grandpa Snitch back by placing a wide variety of cheeses under his mattress. To my surprise, Grandpa can barely hook up with his chick (who looks like she took a pan to the face) because he thinks she smelled like grated cheese. After she was done bobbing for apples down his pants, he sent her home and sprayed his bed with Axe…because God forbid you washed your sheets. I mean, at this point I’m more surprised that the crabs living in his bed didn’t just get up, tear off the sheets, and bring them to the laundromat themselves.
Sexual Education with Professor JWoww ShamWow – Since Grandpa Sitch has the combined education and sexual knowledge of a 12 year old, he tries to convince JWoww that you can’t get an STD from only getting “oral pleasure.” See how I classed that up? Since JWoww knows a thing or two about using her mouth as a service machine, she decides to call up the free clinic and ask the doctor on staff about STDs and “head-a-givin’.” The More You Know (cue: shooting star). JWoww thinks it’s only a matter of time before his dingally-doo falls right off. I’m sure if it falls off his mom will end up chocking on it. Hey-oh!
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Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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L-train Said,
When I saw the toilet scene last night I knew you were going to lose it! I’m still confused as to what was in the toilet. That was a t-shirt? I was convinced it was a man thong.
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Rae Said,
I literally laughed for ten minutes & then hit rewind 3982 times when ronnie was talking about how they put a “s’mortgage board” of cheese on Mike’s bed. Smörgåsbord.
Also, did you notice when Sammy & Snooki came back, Ronnie was “sleeping” on the couch & then instantly sat up all creepy like? lmao.
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Joanna Said,
I loved this episode. L-Train, I think you were confused about what was in the toilette (classin it up) because they kept calling a “dago” tee and MTV bleeped out dago every time.
Ironically, before Sammi called Ronnie “pale” I was looking at him sitting on the deck and thinking to myself, “I need a tan.”
Also, I loved when VaDenna asked if she was embarrassing and Pauly responded with “only when you wake up.” Gold.
I hope this show never ends.
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Natalie Said,
After last nights episode, I have some questions that I am hoping my fellow IBBB Lover’s can help with!
1. There was a clip of Ron driving and he something like “Its Jersey, bro, so I can’t turn left”. Can you not make left hand turns in NJ? What is up with that?
2. WHY THE HELL was Sammi wearing a full on bra with that purple dress? Did she not know that the back was just a bunch of criss cross straps? Why didn’t anyone tell her how stupid that looked?
3. Someone please tell me what was in the toliet! They kept beeping it out! Was it a thong? Jock Strap? I don’t think it was a t-shirt because why would they continuously bleep out the word “t-shirt”?
Anyway, Ron is freaking crazy the way he was following Sam around at da club. He is KING of mind games.
And the Cheese – For the love of all that is Holy! I laughed so hard when he came out and said that girl smelled like CHEESE!! Oh, I am crying now just reliving it. The poor girl, really, she probably thought it was HIM, and he thought it was HER, and that was just the best thing that has ever happened on this show! -
Sarakate Said,
Natalie – LOL, no, in New Jersey, you frequently may NOT turn left at major intersections. You have to do a jughandle turn – it’s really weird. You go through the intersection in the RIGHT hand lane, and there’s a little cloverleaf-like exit on the right. It brings you back around to the intersection, where you now go straight to make your “left hand turn”! Tom’s River, near Seaside is full of them on the main drag!
Here’s the wiki for a picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jughandle
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KittyKat Said,
The cheese bed was classic. I can totally see that happening on college campuses all over. Guard yo’ sheets, kiddies!!
Great Recap, as always but I found this one to be particularly golden.
Sidenote: Anyone else think VaDeena looks like a platypus?
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Kiera Said,
41 minutes in ….according to my DVR, right after the toilet is (finally) fixed and right before Snooks goes to the clean the toilet. There’s another shot of a baby stroller in the living room! They are all sitting in the living room by the staircase. What is a stroller doing there? I’ve seen it before in another episode and it was parked by couch near the base of the stairs. W T H?
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Jenni Said,
As if they haven’t had their fingers in enough dirty holes in the past 24 hours? I was dying laughing. My favorite line ever!
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Dana Said,
I can’t believe no one has mentioned Sitch actually checking that trick’s ID before hooking up with her. It’s almost like that was court mandated. She had the total demeanor of a hooker, so matter of fact and business like about the whole thing. He’s the grossest thing on this show, toilet included. And speaking of toilets, who in the holy hell let’s something like that go unresolved for 2 weeks?? Eh, maybe it’s a jersey thing. They’re so used to that smell in everyday life it’s not that bad to them.
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Dana Said,
@Natalie: I noticed the bra thing thing too. I don’t know why she’d wear one. She’s small enough to get away without one in that dress.
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yankee Said,
i want to cheese bed someone
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Leigh Said,
Great recap, as always. It makes watching the show that much more enjoyable!
@Dana–I love how Sitch checked the girl’s ID! Funny how he thought to do that, but did not know you can get an STD from receiving “oral pleasure”.
@Rae–LOL at Ronnie’s “smortgage board”. My husband and I just turned to each other and bust out laughing.
Speaking of mispronunciation, did anyone else notice Sitch talking about the toilet smell “permanating” that whole house? Pretty sure he was trying to be “smart” and meant “permeating”, but I could be wrong. Maybe “permanate” is a word in Jersey? -
Adrienne Said,
Natalie – in NJ, they have a lot of jughandles – you make a right turn and then cross over the street to get to the other side. I think that’s what Ronnie was referring to. Either that or he doesn’t know how to make a left turn.
I also think it was a t-shirt, also known as a “guinea” tee or a “wife-beater”. They probably bleeped out “guinea” as it’s an offensive term to describe Italian-Americans.
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Dawn Said,
Ok, to address the stroller issue— That is Jenny’s DOG stroller!
As for Sammi’s bra— RIGHT?!? It irritated the piss out of me but I can assure you no one said anything bc it’s the norm around there. I’ve seen it so many times. Apparently bra’s in Jersey are “invisible”. -
Dawn Said,
PS- I love Harriet Tubman. I was just at the library searching for the book I read as a kid on my bunkbed.
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Joanna Said,
A few episodes back (2?) Sammie also wore a basic black bra when she was “doing her” and dancing with the guy in club to make Ronnie jealous. Apparently it’s her thing.
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Lisa Said,
You know, I turned in a book report on Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad for about 7 years in a row and not one teacher realized. I think I still have the old dot matrix printout from the 80’s!!! LMAO, that you referenced this.
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carrie Said,
I swear they said that it was “drawers” in the toilet meaning underware size small. I think Vinny took a hit there cause my theory is that it was VaDeena. Just like the dirty underpants a couple weeks ago were OBVIOUSLY hers. This time she didn’t wanna get caught with the stained underpants so she tried to flush em to hide the evidence.
If they have to check ID like you are buying a bottle of Boones Farm just walk away.
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dacabsarehere Said,
the only thing that can snap me out of my 24.7 paulie impersonations is when i read you referencing ike turner. i have to stop for a moment and yell out “anna mae, eat the cake anna mae” … <3 <3 he should do an advertisement for xenadrine "hi i'm ike and i like to keep it real, anna mae, don't make me get in that booth anna mae"
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Joanna Said,
Hesstatic-I think I wet myself…..oh no, nevermind, but damn that was funny
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heydayna Said,
The cheese bed. I thought the cheese was under the mattress at first, but it was ON TOP of the mattress under the sheet. If he does decide to wash his sheets ever, he’ll then discover the cheese. This also makes me wonder something…that house is a Seaside rental, right? So what does the owner do with the furnishing once the kids vacate? Burn everything?
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L-train Said,
@Joanna- I just googled Dago, ha!
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loveIBBB Said,
I was so confused when they were bleeping out what was in the toilet,I knew I could come here to find the answer.
@Rea; I’m glad someone else notice Ronny’s creeper face pop up when the girls walked in
I’m so addicted to this blog it’s ridiculous..
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LisaP Said,
in the picture above of vadeena driving, who is sitting next to her? what is with those ET fingers?
@kittykat – vadeena looks like something, maybe a platypus. she is not easy to look at. a few recaps ago, someone said you can look at her and see a stereotypical old italian lady (or something like that) and i thought that was right on. -
KittyKat Said,
Did no one else notice that Snooki cleaned the toilet with Cascade?! And a mop. Oh, that girl. If she wants to hook Vinny she needs to learn some domestic skills.
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Natalie Said,
Ok, so they were referring to a “dago” in the toliet.
Visible bras are in for Jersey folks.I also did about every damn report on good ol’ Harriet!
I knew you all would come through with the answers to the questions that have been perplexing me since last night!!
Thanks, Everyone!
IBBB Rocks! -
Natalie Said,
@loveIBBB: “I’m so addicted to this blog it’s ridiculous..”
Me too, me too!!!
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Little Suzy Said,
I am making “she’s bricks” happen.
and yes that is how they baptize people in NJ. That’s why they can’t tell a toilet is clogged for 2 weeks, they all already smell like pee.
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Dnay Said,
How could they live with that nasty toilet for two weeks? And then mop it? God Almighty, you are just smearing that e coli on the floor!
Loved the Cheese Bed. I also want to cheese someone. I noticed the “permanating”. Question: Why does he always have the girls change into sweats?
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Jen Said,
You know that girl Mike hooked up that night watched last nights episode and was like Ohhh that explains the cheese smell. lol
Seriously he is just nasty…and stupid. Why would anyone want to hook up with him? -
IBBB Said,
Hi all – I’ve been getting a lot of email lately asking me if I read these comments. Answer: Yes! I read all of them…I just can’t always chime in w/ a response…like I should. I suck, I know.
Also, there are crazy spam filters on these comments b/c there I get thousands of spam comments a day…no joke. So if your comment doesn’t appear it probably got flagged for some dumb reason. I try to go in and push live any comments that I know are not really spam. I’m basically like a janitor of this here site.
I appreciate and LOVE all the comments…even the hateful ones. As DJ Tanner would say, “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
-IBBB
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Mel Said,
i was pretty sure they were bleeping out “guinea” tee b/c pauly even called it a “wife beater” at one point.
Love this blog!!!
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Brianna Said,
Can someone introduce Sammi to strapless bras and/or pasties? And what’s with clothes and peoples belongings being next to the clogged toilet? Nasty!
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Jenny Said,
@LisaP- It’s J-Woww! Or Pissy McPisserson, whatever you wanna call her
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Laura Said,
Their faces look really busted in these pictures! It’s really bad the girls look this way for how old they are.
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Yasmeen Said,
Yo….As a Jersey girl, I don’t appreciate the insults about the state. The state is beautiful, and yes, there is that stretch on the Turnpike that has the oil refinery and chemical companies, but thats about 3% of the state. Why do you think so many celebrities have multi million dollar homes here? Do you actually think they’re living next to the stinky factories you see on the Turnpike for about ten minutes and its over? Anyway. The only people that can talk ish about my state are Californians, I’ve been to 28 states, boring as hell, nothing fun to do.
Yes, you can’t make left turns on state highways! Its too dangerous, and it keeps the traffic from being blocked by those idiots who can’t friggin grow some balls and make a left turn.
I agree everyone is looking rough for being in their 20s. And they are making that nasty shore house look even nastier. I’m surprised there isn’t lice yet. I think I’d like the show better, if they went home and had their friends drop by. What’s up with that? Part of being in Jersey, and being Italian, is the sense of community and people do know each other in one way or the other. I don’t get it… I would be fun to have their friends over or if they had a house party…
Anyway Love love love the blog. Dude….the best line was this: “I mean, at this point I’m more surprised that the crabs living in his bed didn’t just get up, tear off the sheets, and bring them to the laundromat themselves.” I was on the floor. That’s something I would say! OMG
