Feb
25

Dear Jesus Claus and His Teen Mom Mary, Please Let This Be a Baby Growing Inside Amber and Not Just Traditional FUPA. Amen.

Posted by IBBB

Read More On: white trash

amber-portwood-naked-yuck

I don’t even have words. I jest. Of course I have words. Many words. Some grammatically correct, most not. Anyfup, the drunken skank-a-doodles over at Radar Online have recently posted a (puke) naked photo of (burp) Roseanne Barr Amber Portwood from our beloved Teen Mom series that you may or may not have heard of. Oh you have? That’s right.

From her mini Snooki poof to the tattoo of Francis from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure on her protruding stomach one can only think, “Maybe she’s born with it? Maybe it’s Cracker Barrel.” If it’s one thing we’ve learned from Amber it’s that she’s clearly easy, breezy, trashiful and, you know what, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I could only hope that Barb would pose like this with her trademark blue shirt scantily draped over her “gentlemen greeter.” I would like to file this under: Additional Prayers to Santa Christ.

Some are saying that this photo proves that Amber is, in fact, pregnant but until I see her crowning I won’t believe it. It would just be too good. Maybe it’s a runaway FUPA? Maybe it’s just the last 10 pounds that she can’t lose even with the cheapest crack that money can buy? I’m mostly concerned with that illusion that Ambjikistan has lost all her weight in almost every facet of her body, but not in her melon (not to be confused with her melons). Seriously, she’s like Bonk.

In conclusion the junk monster that sent this photo to Radar has claimed the following glorious statement:

“Amber fancies herself an old-fashioned pin-up girl….she posed the way she thought a pin-up would.”

Ah yes, I “fancy” that about Roseanne too. It’s only a matter of time before the 3-way video comes out with Dan and Crystal. I’m sure Jackie will be in charge of the camera all whilst Leon throws raw loosemeat sandwiches at them from the Lunch Box. Oh Landford, what a magical place!

In more conclusion (?) the only thing that may be throwing me off that this is actually Amber is the fact that I’m pretty sure I see a fitted sheet on the bed behind her and, well, all know Amber lives in a sheet-free zone.

Long live Amber! More! More! More!

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43 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

Erin Said,
A-ma-zing bahahahaaa
Felicity Said,
“Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Cracker Barrel.” Priceless. I’m pretty sure “old-fashioned pin-up girls” never took cell phone pictures of themselves in a mirror.
KittyKat Said,
Bahahaha!!! “…Maybe it’s Cracker Barrel.” CLASSIC! Seriously, how much class can one girl hold?! Oh, Amber…
Beth Said,
She looks like a malnourished little boy. the kind with the swollen bellies. Ick.
Jenny Said,
first i puked a little in my mouth, then googled Francis from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure and fell off my chair. Dying. Thanks IBBB!!
KateUK Said,
Where are her boobs?
Eva Said,
Where are her boobs? She gave them to Gary.
Megan Said,
I find it intriguing that her tattoo was originally on her left side… how did it swap to her right? Photoshop to make her “famous” again? I THINK SO!
Sarah Said,
Oh my gosh Megan, how did anyone else miss that!?!?! I had to look back at the post from when she got the tat and sure enough, it’s on the opposite side.
Allison Said,
This just makes me really miss the original teem mom and all it’s trashiness
B Said,
@Megan – I was thinking the same thing. But I think @Felicity is right and this is a pic she took of herself in the mirror. That’s how the tat looks swapped to the other side.
Anonymous Said,
Wouldn’t the mirror image do that to the tattoo?
dacabsarehere Said,
this picture doesnt look real at all. exhibit A. she has no neck, which i know is the norm for her and gary, i would at least like to see a little extra skin from the weightloss. exhibit B. she has no “melons” none, nadda. exhibit C. aside from her head being the biggest thing in the picture, the tattoo on the bottom is oddly floating around the bottom face line. like its half on her “gut” and half floating on the beautiful purple sheet behind her. with my master detective skills, i’d call this a fakey.
Little Suzy Said,
I agree with @dacabsarehere, there is so much off in the picture I (sadly) have trouble buying it. At the very least it looks like she was actually wearing undies that have been covered up with just flesh tone.

Then again, maybe this is just a test of my faith in Amber’s trashiness. I DO believe in trashfairies, I do I do!!
stephanie Said,
anyone else having trouble locating her boobs?
Trixxi Said,
The pictures aren’t fake. Amber has already said she is “devastated” and made a public statement about them.
Leigh Said,
Ha and what is that tat of? Herself? Definitely no boobs in the picture, weird
brandee Said,
Nope, its not a fitted sheet. Once your eyes readjust from the horror that is Amber’s nasty nakie pose, you can clearly see the bedf rame…and no fitted sheet!! LMAO, actually it looks like a hotel bed, which wouldn’t surprise me from such a class act as Amber.
brandee Said,
oh, and her boobs fell thru her body into her stomach..that explains the “baby bump”..it’s a “boob bump”
Susan Said,
I’m totally confused by this picture. It looks like she’s wearing skin underwear.
Dana Said,
@Eva: I am laughing so hard at your comment!

I think she looks like she’s wearing pantyhose. She’s such garbage. Oh, she’s “devastated” that this pic got out? Really? Well, dumbshit, you took it of yourself, so you had to send it to someone to get the ball rolling, so don’t act surprised. I’d bet my year’s salary that she sent it to Radar herself.
Dnay Said,
Is it wrong that I wonder what happened to her eyebrows?
Suzie Q Said,
@Dana I thought she sent them to Radar herself also. I think she has them on speed dial because they know everything about her first.

How come her eyes look all read and cracked out?
Maybe she is was crying in the pictures because she knew she was gonna leak them to radar? Or drugs. We can play the guessing game.

Imagine if she is pregnant how many stretch marks is Leahs face gonna get?
I also thought the tattoo was on the other side but if she is in the mirror it would appear on the other side. Either side is a bad side.
dacabsarehere Said,
ok so i’m not a very detective.
dacabsarehere Said,
good* (i cant type either)
Heather Said,
Dnay- SOOO funny!!
hmmm Said,
1- the pictures real, gary confirmed it on facebook and she spoke to ok!. Apparently some person she was hanging with a couple of weeks back decided to let the photos leak and apparently shes gonna go after them “full force” with the law.
2- I think she looks pretty darn good for someone who was quite big before.. ALOT of people take pictures like this of theirselves, their just lucky enough that they havent been leaked onto the internet.
3- The reason why the tattoo is on that side in the photo is because with certain applications you can a photo, I know with my webcam you can do it and im pretty sure on any computer u can get a program to mirror the photo.

et voila!
Ambers Fetus Said,
Help.
Amber Said,
I’m ashamed to share the same name =(
Cait Said,
LOL at the Amber’s fetus comment. I laughed a lot longer than i probably should have.
stace Said,
I’m surprised she has sheets on her bed
brooke Said,
LoL, Amber probably still does live in a sheet-free zone. I read on another website that those pictures were taken at a friend’s house.
Molly Ringworm Said,
Your mention of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure slayed me!!! “Francis is having his bath!” “Oh really? Where are they hosing him down?” Seems strangely appropriate right now….hehehe.
Molly Ringworm Said,
P.S. The “unkempt room” backdrop just makes it ultra sexxxay!!!
brooke Said,
LOL, amber probably still lives in a sheet-free zone. I read on another website that the pictures were taken at her friend’s house.
claire Said,
“the tattoo of Francis from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure on her protruding stomach” That line made me laugh so hard I cried. Luckily nobody was home with me or they would have thought I went insane!

I give you some serious credit. I remember Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, but I’m amazed you can remember off the top of your head what the characters looked like. That was classic!
IBB Rocks! Said,
And let us praise Santa Christ that there are actual sheets on the bed. This may be a first in Teen Mom history.

Loved PeeWee’s Playhouse! Miss Yvonne was my bitch!
Alyssa Said,
Unfortunately she still has a fat face.
Alyssa Said,
….and may I add that she has no boobs? W T F?
KittyKat Said,
Thanks to you I just ordered PeeWee’s Big Adventure. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Barbara Said,
I believe those awww in fact fitted sheets on haw bed. They wouldn’t cover the boxspwing which is why the fwaaame is showwwin! My little bitch of a daughtaaaa says that she’s now going to leak nude photos to create more hype! I told haw if she twied I would throw blue shirts all ovaa haw to covaaa haw up! Thanks a lot ambaahhhh!
Susie Said,
Praise the Lord! They’re real!
Amber talks about them in this article.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/gavon/amber-portwood-nude-photos-nsfw
Heather Said,
When is she going to get the rest of the huge rose finished on the tat? Is she waiting for the next cash installment from the government or MTV??