Teen Mom 2: Jenelle’s Master Plan Thanks to the US Department of Education and Sallie Mae!


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Oh.  Well hello there.  Anything new or out of the ordinary lately? Yeah, me either.  Oh, actually there is something.  I had a nice weekend in Boston.  Oh, and also about 1 million rabid Justin Bieber Teen Mom 2 fans sent me hate mail and death threats. It was quite nice.  Apparently my 4th grade nun was correct and I  am, indeed, the anti-Christ.  Guess I’ll just have to add another bullet-point to the resume!  Here’s what went down last night on Teen Mom 2:

Jenelle – Jenelle wit all dos friggin’ hickeys all ova yaw neck!  Seriously, I say that in my head at least once a day and out loud at least 3 times a day.  The More You Know (and shooting star).  Barbazon is, shocker, sporting her sex-pot blue shirt in the very first scene.  Drink!  No joke, I’m starting to think it’s like a work uniform or something.  Maybe she plays a singing/dancing Smuf at the local amusement park.  Imagine?  My life would be complete.

Since Jenelle is all about making good decisions, she and Kieffah are calling everyone they know to see if they can live with them for a couple of days.  And by “a couple of days” I actually mean “a few weeks” because, yes, they’re just that ridiculous.  All of Jenelle’s friends said no, most likely because I’m sure their parents thought they were going to catch “pregnancy” and “trashboxitis.”  Finally one of Keiffah’s friends is going to let them stay at his beach house until Jenelle starts her first semester at “college” so she can be a “film editor.”  And the Oscar for best editing goes to Jenelle Evans.  Unfortunately Jenelle couldn’t be here tonight because she’s on location driving a Spiderman car around the beach in a meth-induced rage.  Accepting on her behalf is her mother, Barbara. “I jus wanna thank you all and stuff for givin my little b*tch of a daughah an Oscaaah.  The closest I evaaah thought she would get to an Oscar was more along the lines of “The Grouch” from all those times she was livin’ in a trash can.  Why are they playing that music over me right now?  Oh, I gotta go?  Fine.  Suck it Kieffah.”  And that’s how I assume that will all turn out.  Maybe you have your own goals, dreams, and ambitions.

Anyjunk, Jenelle hits tilt on the “Wicked-Good-Idea-o-Meter” because she’s just waiting for her student loan money to come through so she can take some of it and get an apartment for herself and Keiffah.  This kid has definitely found his meal ticket.  Burp.

Later Jenelle heads back over to Barb Manor to break the news that she’s going to be moving to Wilmington with Kieffah.  You totally know she’s trying to get on Barb’s good side because she’s wearing the same blue color shirt as Barb.  I love Barb.  I wish I had a Barb bobble head.  A Barb bobble head is way better than a Jersey Shore grenade horn, any day!

Jenelle tells Barb of her plan, after she kind of sort of pushes Jace on the ground by accident (this won’t help the custody battle) and Barb remains calm, cool, and collective.  I’m sure she’s on enough tranquilizers right now to stop a charging elephant.  Barb even mentions that she “likes” Kieffah, but would be more relieved if he, you know, had a job and wasn’t just in it for the free ride.  See, that’s why me gusta Barb because we’re almost always on the same page and, you know what, when I wake up in the morning my hair looks just like hers.  Plus, my accent is very similar to hers and I do Barb impressions all the live long day.  Personally, I think we’re a match made in heaven.  Mike better watch his busted teef because I may just scoop up that dish before the season is ovaaah!

It’s apartment hunting day!  Hooray!  It’s just as bad as I thought it was going to be and more!  And more!  And a little less too.  Anyway, the real estate lady was (1) 175 year old (2) probably not a real estate lady but just some random nana who was walking by that day and (3) was carrying around a little dog like she was friggin’ Paris Hilton.  If she really wants to be like Paris we’re going to need a mandatory beav shot as she exits her Ford Focus.

The first apartment was most likely a crack den and the neighborhood was literally on fire.  The real estate nana was trying to say the neighborhood was “up and coming.”  Yeah it’s about as “up and coming” as Kieffah’s career.  Hey oh!  The second place wasn’t bad at all, nice infact, and was going to run them $750/month.  So if my math is correct that will be $749 from the US Department of Education/Sallie Mae and $0.01 from Kieffah that he probably found in Barb’s couch.  Sold!

Jenelle and Kieffah think they’re going to show all their friends how wrong they were for thinking they were no good white trash with “student loan” money.  Kieffah decides that the worst case scenario is that he doesn’t find a job and just moves back to New Jersey…to see if he can get cast on Jersey Shore?  However he’s, like, really sure this is all going to work out.  Like really, really sure.  You know what?  I’m really sure too.  I’m also really, really sure The Soup will be hiring me this year so it’s a real race to the finish between me and Kieffah.  Somehow we’ll both tie for last.

Next up, Jenelle and Kieffah go looking for jobs and Jenelle lands one right off the bat at a local restaurant.  She’s all excited and tells Kieffah but he is less than thrilled.  He’s all pissed off because he’s hot and tired and didn’t find a job.  That’s so odd because he was wearing a dirty t-shirt and stuff so it’s shocking that people weren’t just offering him jobs as he walked by their establishments.

Finally, Jenelle heads out to her first day of college!  She kissed Kieffah goodbye who is still in bed.  The bed.  Per usual, there are no sheets on it.  It’s like, why even make it hard for the bed bugs?  Just let them eat away.  Then there’s a 2 Liter of Mountain Dew on the night stand.  So this is basically like the set of My Name is Earl, yes?  After classes are over Jenelle comes home to fill Kieffah in on her day and he couldn’t give less of a shiz.  I actually (brace yourself) felt kind of bad for her.  She was talking about her classes (history, math, psychology and English) and Kieffah claims he has no idea what any of that means because he’s never been to college before.  Is this douche for real?  It’s like pre-school, but for adults.  Same concept that he’s been doing since he’s been 3 yrs old.  No?  Still doesn’t ring a bell?  Junk monster.

Chelsea – Tan! Tan! Tan! Tan! Megan comes over to pick up some of her crap that she didn’t move out the other day.  Most importantly, she’s dressed like she just woke up from the after party at her prom.  Face full of makeup, hair done, long earrings in, and then she’s wearing an oversized red t-shirt, blue mesh shorts, and a giant oversized bag.  She still wants to be on this tv show friends with Chelsea but doesn’t want to be in the house if Adam is there. In fact, she’s whispering as she walks in the door trying to find out if Adam is actually in the house like she’s Sally Field in “Not Without My Daughter.”

Ugh.  I see a pink vacuum.  Is she one of these chicks that everything in her life is leopard print and hot pink?  Bleh.  You know, it starts with a pink vacuum and next thing you know you’re Mariah Carey – a grown woman still favoring pink and purple with 2 dozen butterfly rings up your fingers.  Anyteeth, Chelsea may just end up getting her GED so she can get to “hair school” on the double although she’s afraid this will disappoint her dad.  I’m sure he’s just happy she’s on a national television show.  I mean, my dad was just proud of me for all the buzz IBBB got last week!  It’s the little things.

What in the holy F was up with the chick at the “hair school” place that she went to visit?  At one point I found myself yelling “relax!” at my TV when she stated for the 15th time “you HAVE to have your GED before you can enroll here.”  Jesus.  She knows.  We know.  It’s not like Chelsea is trying to scam the system.  Pipe down there Hairy Montanna.

These boring segments really make me miss the old Teen Moms. I can’t wait for them to come back.  I miss April and Butch more than I could have ever thought.  In the end, Chelsea talks to her dad about getting her GED and, once again, he’s blaming Adam for all this taking place.  If he wasn’t so 100% right about this situation, he’d be wrong.  I have a novel idea.  Stop giving your daughter everything she wants at all times and I’m sure she’d work things out herself.  Oh, and since you’re about 200 pounds and paying for the house and Adam is about 114 pounds and not paying for the house kick him the F out!  I don’t even know why they’re all freaking out about finishing high school.  I mean, you’re on Teen Mom.  This will last forever.  You’re about 2 seasons away from Lohan status maybe.  Oh wait, never mind.  Chelsea wishes her conversation with her dad had a pause button.  Her dad wishes he had a rewind button.  I wish I had a fast forward button and a button I could press where a boxing glove came out of my remote and sucker punched me in the ding-a-ling.

Kailyn – Why so glum, Kail?  Come on, nonexistent chin up!  Per usual, Kail is threatening to move out of the huge house that is Jo’s family’s in which she’s living for free so she is going apartment hunting.  After chatting with Janet, we learn that she can afford about $1.75 a month.  I’m sure she’ll find something really nice.  She meets up with real estate agent, who is rocking the  side-pony and the place is legit the ghetto.  It’s so bad she is most likely to get combo raped and stabbed on Monday/Wednesday/Friday.  Kail should just move to the apartment underneath Amber and Gary’s.  I don’t care if it’s not the same state.  Do as I say.

Since Kail can only afford to live in a meth lab, she decides to get a second job and has landed her first interview at a restaurant.  She’s greeted by the owner who is already sitting at the table eating.  Awkward?  He basically asks her one question, which is “do you have experience?  She says “no” and basically hires her on the spot.  Que suerte!  I’m surprised she even needs a second job as I always assumed Sports Authority paid top dollar.  All kidding aside, when do they get their money from MTV?  I mean, even if they’re not a Farrah and her mom’s trash claw status they HAVE to be making more than $500 and episode which would cover their rent.  Also, I kinda want to live in a place where rent is only $500.  Really?  Never mind, I don’t.

When Kail text messages Jo to rub it in his face that she got another job and is moving out he send her back the cutest little text message that money can buy which includes such loving terms as “I F’n hate you” and “I wish I never F’n kissed you.” And more!  There was one line that I’m pretty sure said “I wish I never f***ed you.”  He better take it easy with that smut talk or Janet will wash his mouth out with churros y chocolate.  Ole!

In the boring end, Kail goes back to the house and confronts Jo and he makes it seem like he’s trying to help her, you know, just like Ronnie is trying to help Sammi or how Amber is trying to help Gary, you know, with fists.  Personally I think she should stay in that huge house as I’d like to hear more words of wisdom from Janet, who I feel like is good people.  If I could change one thing it would be to have Kail’s mom move into the house as well.  I’d look forward to seeing her rummaging through Janet’s personal belongings in the middle of the middle of the night and getting caught doing so on “nanny cam.”  Ok I’m done.

Leah – Grab your bait n’ tackle because we’re all going on a very special fishing trip!  Corey decides to make an honest women out of Leah and is ready to propose to her with a fishing rod, worms, dirty lake water, and a ring so he ties the ring to the end of the fishing line and then, what do you know, they’re engaged!  Personally I thought they should have modeled their engagement after Angela and Tony from Who’s the Boss and put the engagement ring in her mashed potatoes, but maybe Cracker Barrel was closed?  Gotta check them hours.  Leah seems completely shocked when he “fishes” the ring out of the water.  Apparently she missed the camera crew all focusing on him taking the time to tie it to the rod itself.  I guess it’s a big boat and she was preoccupied.  He places the ring on her Anna Nicole Smith hot-pink-Lee-Press-On-Nails with flowers dedazzled on them and I was waiting for Anna Nicole’s ghost to come out of the lake and start slurring “You want my body?  Youwanta Viper?  TrimSpa baby!”  Let’s just say I was let down.

Oh, you know who seems like they’d rather give themselves a colonoscopy with a mirror and a garden hose rather than listen to their daughter talk about her engagement?  Answer:  Leah’s mom.  When Leah called she was like “ohhhh ok.”  And then I’m pretty sure she called Corey a redneck for proposing on a lake and I, for one, am highly offended because usually at the start of the summer when I’m not as fully tanned as Chelsea’s a** my neck burns and, guess what, it turns red.  What a POS statement to make.  I, for one, plan on starting an actual civil war over this comment.  I mean it’s one thing to not be happy about an engagement, but to take a cheap shot at my neck when it’s red?  That’s just wrong in so many ways.  Know what else is wrong?  The fact that Leah was missing the Lee-Press-On nail on her middle finger in these scenes.  I have a feeling it shot off after giving me the finger for the past 7 days.  Karma.

After all of the excitement of telling her mom, Leah goes to tell her friends about the engagement and they seem freaked the F out too.  I don’t see what the big deal is.  I’d just be like, “We’re getting married super fast because we’re on a TV show and this is cheaper than hiring a videographer.”  No?

Corey’s family takes them out to celebrate their engagement at a genuine (pronounced: gen-u-eye-ne) Italian restaurant.  For a second I actually thought I was in Tuscany.  It was pretty-ho-hum, with the exception of Corey blocking his face when Leah tried to force-feed him her food.  I have a feeling the only Italian that Corey will eat is Spaghetti-O’s.  See what they’ve done to me?  I actually didn’t mind these two, but ever since they declared Jihad on me I feel a sense of anger around them.  This must be how actual wars start.  Either that or over oil.  I’m not sure.  I’m not too smart with things like “books” and “politics” and “stuff.”

Later they head out to the church to ask their pastor to marry them and to talk about the baby.  Here’s where I get a little confused.  We know something “may” be wrong with one of the babies.  And the pastor knows it too, but was he kind of making it seem like they should just go to the doctors and hear what they have to say and that’s really it?  I mean, I do pray (really) and believe in the power of prayer (for sure), but his advice seemed a little…off?  I don’t know.  All I know is that now I’m writing about a holy man and, well, nothing good can be coming out of this.  Next.

Ugh.  Leah needs to take the baby to the eye doctor because now she’s having some problems with her eyes.  What’s up with the doctors over there?  This guy is like, “she might need glasses…if that doesn’t work then she’ll need surgery…is that doesn’t work it’s in her brain.”  Seriously, how’s your bed-side manner?  Hopefully everything will be on the up and up and work itself out.  No fun.

Episode Rating: 1 Crunchy Hair, 2 Puffy Leather Couches, and a Crying Farrah

Related Teen Mom 2 Links:

The Episode Where I Almost Ended Up on the Today Show
Jenelle’s Hickeys = 6 More Weeks of Winter

The One With Barb’s Blue Shirt
Teen Mom 2 Season Premiere Recap:  Jenelle Fights Her Mom
Jenelle’s 16 & Pregnant Episode Recap – 2010
Join Jenelle’s Moms Facebook Fanpage

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  1. OMG i sersiously laughed out loud this entire recap! LOVED it!

    and the rating was EXACT! Thanks IBBB for making my Wednesday morning THAT much better! :)

  2. Eva O'Brien says:

    I love this blog. I would rather read about the episodes than watch. “Oh, you know who seems like they’d rather give themselves a colonoscopy with a mirror and a garden hose rather than listen to their daughter talk about her engagement? Answer: Leah’s mom” Classic!!!

  3. Literally laughed out loud at “nonexistent chin up”. Too funny.

  4. Loved your blog as usual, and am I the only one who noticed that Kiefer apparently only owns that one pair of shorts? I guess being a jobless transient he has to travel light but still, I’m really over his little house of cards board shorts.

  5. After this season, I’m done with teen mom (1 & 2). I will continue to read your recaps, but I can no longer give them raitings. It’s so sad to see these girls exploit themselves and their families. It’s totally staged (Leah was wearing her ring in the first couple episodes), the conversations seem forced and the ‘friends’ seem fake. I totally get that having a baby at 16 (17, 18) would be rough and then to throw twins and a disability on top of that, I just can’t even imagine. As for Chelsea, she is just an idiot. I can understand wanting to work it out with Adam because he is the father of her baby, but he really does seem like a POS! Jenelle is trying. Kudos to her! Kieffer the Reefer is and will for sure, hold her down/back. Lame. Kali is just a waste of space. How ungrateful is she? I would say maybe it’s the editing, but there is no way. There are so many government assistance programs for low income housing, why doesn’t anyone inform her of this? Oh, right, because they want to see the drama between she and Jo. This show just angers me, but IBBB puts a nice humor factor to it. Keep up the good work! Teen mom has lost my vote, but you, have not :)

  6. alwayssunny says:

    i’ve been wanting to send kail that same exact text message for weeks now, minus the whole kissing and f–king part. thanks jo for getting shit done.
    also, did you notice how barb’s face lit up when she talked about jenelle meeting a nice guy at school? if i was jenelle i would’ve told keiffer to pack his knives and go just so i could witness it more often. when barb smiles, god smiles.

  7. Could Barb be April’s long-lost mother…could she?

    I hope Leah’s baby is okay, that eye doctor was a prick.

  8. “when barb smiles, god smiles.” -quote of the week

  9. You always notice Barb’s love of her blue shirt, but fail to mentioned poor Jace who is ALWAYS in the same navy blue and orange fish-print onesie. For the love of good, Barb, take yourself and that kid shopping!

    Also, thank you for the “Not Without My Daughter” reference. Golden.

  10. Love the ratings-crunchy hair is the best.

  11. Maybe Barb is a greetah at the WalMart!! They all wear khakis and blue shirts. Can you imagine how EPIC that would be?! “Welcome to Wahhl-Maht. Have a nice friggin’ day.”

    Also, would you please put up a video of you doing a Barb impression?? Fresh-morning-hair and all. Seriously. DO IT!

    @Alwayssunny–“When Barb smiles, God smiles.” Amazing. I nominate you to take over IBBB when Patrick goes to The Soup. 😉 Or maybe you could just get your own spin-off blog.

  12. Leah's eyeliner says:

    @Sarah: “Kieffer the Reefer”–priceless
    Great recap as usual. The comments are equally funny, btw

  13. I thought Kieffah could drop off his resume at any restaurant and get a job. Do you think he was unsuccessful because he didn’t have said “resume” with him during his t-shirt and swim trunk clad job search?

  14. Barb does work at wal mart.

  15. I love when Leah reads the intros… “i was not expecting a ring when we went fishin”. It sounds like my 4 year old trying to read the cat in the hat.

  16. What was up with Chelsea handing her baby a bottle of ‘orange drink’? Seriously? Come on Chles…baby’s don’t drink orange soda.

  17. alwayssunny says:

    thanks kittykat, i wish i could be as funny/creative as patrick. i mean teen mom oregon trail with amber, gary, butch, april, and debra (with trash claw)? i could never come close to that.

    and figuring out that barb works at walmart? amazing, of course she does. about 50% of the people i know here in new england call it “walmart’s” or “the walmart’s”…so i picture her saying it that way too. i like it.

  18. Little Suzy says:

    YAY for the return and enhancement of the rating system! God I miss Farrah.

  19. Barb working at Wal-Mart is making my life. Now I just need someone to get a picture

  20. Dear IBBB – I am obsessed with this, and you finally mentioned it in this post… WHERE is the money these girls are making for this show?? Why are they struggling to pay rent on a $500/month place, but they’re getting paid good money for being a Teen Mom (Amber made $280K last year?)… can we please try to find out where it goes? Is there a contract they sign that says they won’t use any of their TM2 income on daily expenses? Do they not get paid until the season is over? Or is all of this staged and they live in nice houses and pay for college, only when they cameras aren’t rolling?
    Leah’s friends, if you are reading this, do you know the answer?
    PS – Apparently Farrah spent her $$ on boobs. Did you see the photos?

  21. My favorite part was when Jenelle was in class and the teacher had to find her. “Jenelle? Where’s Jenelle? Oh there she is.”. Did he happen to miss the camera crew around her?

  22. Leah's eyeliner says:

    @Brooke–I saw the photo! Farrah’s knockers are HUGE! Wowee!!! (<-says this midwestern). I have huge knockers, but even I look at hers like "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!"

    LOL@ Joanna's: My favorite part was when Jenelle was in class and the teacher had to find her. “Jenelle? Where’s Jenelle? Oh there she is.”. Did he happen to miss the camera crew around her?

  23. @Kiera- Yes, I saw that that weird crap in Aubrey’s bottle too! It looked like kool-aid to me though. Who does she think she is Britney Spears?

    The whole money thing is starting to annoy me too. I just want to know why they don’t have any money to spend on living expenses. They need to address this on the show because it’s pissing me off.

  24. Anyone notice the santa stashed behind Leah on the porch as she was telling her fam about her engagement! Classic!

  25. jenelle has mentioned a few times in her old formspring that barb works at the subway in walmart, lol

  26. Google it, Barb does work at walmart. This really happens.

    Can we take a field trip, pleaseeeeee.

  27. Leah's eyeliner says:

    ***Banging on the table***
    “Field trip! Field trip! Field trip! Field trip!”

  28. I heard/read somewhere that payment for being on the show is via a trust for the kids not to be touched until they’re 18, that way the girls on the show get compensated in some way but it doesn’t compromise the integrity of the show (hence the struggling, inability to move out, pay for school, etc.)

    I just assumed the $250K Amber supposedly made last year was from the likes of US Magazine and other appearances but not from the show itself.

  29. frenchfille says:

    Re: the money … ever notice that in every “new” shot of Chelsea’s house there is new furniture/decor. Like that weird camo futon her and Megan used to lounge on all day has been replaced with new animal print (yes) furniture. Of course this could be Daddy Warbucks funding, but it makes me wonder when they get paid.

    The comments here are part of the whole experience. Y’all are a funny bunch : )

  30. And how is it that in this economy, no one can get a job except two inexperienced teenage girls who show up for an interview in cut-off shorts? How stupid does MTV think we are? If Keiffer were on camera, I bet he would have gotten the job he was after too.

  31. Patrick, your brilliant writing skills are not supplemented by math. Still love you. Jenelle and Kieffah’s rent, $749 + $.01 = 749.01. They’d still be $.99 short. That’s cool; I’d evict.

    As far as the baby being brain damaged, I don’t think that is AT ALL what the doctor meant. He was saying that nerve damage to the spine would not affect eyesight. Vision problems begin in the brain (including my own brain-damaged, glasses wearing self), and therefore her eye problems and motor-skill development delay are separate issues. It was actually good news!

    The bigger question is why does Corey always wear the rattiest baseball caps on earth? They are literally falling apart, with threads hanging down in front. That’s the best he could wear to propose in? Really?

  32. P.S. I meant to add that your photshopped “I Love Leah” is HIGHlarious.

  33. I am not a regular to walmart but I would be up for a field trip.

    Kiera. RIGHT. I don’t think she comprehends anything so maybe when the doc said no soda in the bottle it went in one ear and out the other. She must listen to him as much as she listens to her dad. Another disappointing week for me with him.
    Grow a pair already Papa Chelsea.

    I get Kails problem of not wanting to live with Jo but a THANKS for all the help wouldn’t hurt. I also was sorry that Jo put it in her so I am not mad at his message. Ever since he stuck it to her shes been mooching off his family. Cash Cow anyone?

    Leah and her FISHIN. I thought I kept hearing her wrong but when they family kept calling Cory a redneck I thought OH OK it must be redneck talk.
    Dayna I am so with you I laughed for that photoshop so hard.

    When The Soup hires you will you promise to not get so big you will forget about us little people? Since its the little things. Ya know.

  34. I'm lovin' it says:

    Best recap ever!!! My heart just breaks for Leah. A child with medical issues is stressful at any age. I think she and Cory are amazing. I loved the redneck proposal.

    Kailyn needs to get some government assistance. Amber did it. And is Jo paying child support?

    I really hope Jennelle starts to realize that Kieffer is a D-bag.

    Chelsea’s dad needs to stop giving her everything. Maybe she’ll realize life isn’t just handed to you. Every so often you have to do things yourself. I agree with Patrick. Her dad is bigger than Adam, kick him out.

    @HeyDayna: in Corey’s defense, hats like that are completely broken in and super comfortable. Think of it as that hoodie that is falling apart but your refuse to get rid of.

  35. I must admit that these comments are more fun for me than even writing all this crap!

    @HeyDana wins the prize for cracking my busted math. It’s never been a strength of mine and I actually LOL (as “the kids” say) when I realized that I was off by $.99! In fact when I was originally typing it I was like, “yeah that’s totally right.” You are now in charge of all math on this site.

    Also – I’m psyched Barb works @ Walmart and I think we should all take a blogging trip to go and see her…and hug her, but only an appropriate amount.

    Also II – sorry this comment section sucks and isn’t that user friendly…I mean, let’s face it, this whole site is running off of sugar water, bird seed, and popsicle sticks. I’m kidding. It’s held together by gum too.

    Thanks all for another great week and for helping to spread the word on this crapbag site. It’s working! It’s working!


  36. SimplySarah says:

    I thought Barb and Jenelle’s discussion about apahtment hunting was rather a sweet moment. Barb is trying. Also, I think I need to stop watching the show. I dreamt I was Chelsea’s roommate and her father blamed me for hair in the shower drain that was obviously hers.

  37. Who knew Daisy Dukes were proper interview attire?

  38. IBB. If you’re aware of Mariah Carey’s actual butterfly rings that are on HSN my love for you will have soared to new heights

  39. i love the acceptance speech! I’ll bet the first thing she learns is to edit the damn hickeys off ya neck!

  40. i was literally yelling at Jenelle’s teacher via my tv, “You can’t find her? She’s only the reason there’s an MTV camera crew in your classroom!”

    Why is everyone bagging on Kail? Have you all forgotten that Jo basically acted out the definition of a DOUCHEBAG on her 16 & Pregnant episode? He barely helped with Isaac and treated both his mother and KAILYN like shit for no reason! i don’t blame her for not wanting to be with him. Lay off of her, will ya?

    The proposal had to have been staged. That boat was tiny. There’s no way in hell Leah didn’t notice the camera crew in a separate boat zooming in to Corey’s fingers hardcore while he tied the ring to the pole. Plus i’m sure all those “little kid”-like smiles and laughter were because they had to RE-enact the proposal. Plus i’m sure Leah’s mom let that long awkward silence go on during the phone convo cuz she was prolly thinking, “What the hell? Didn’t she tell me this a few weeks ago? … Oh yeah, filming!”

  41. I'm lovin' it says:

    WTF??? Who the hell wears super short jean cut-offs to a job interview, both Kailyn and Jannelle did this. I’m not a “teen” anymore so someone please tell me if this is now acceptable.

    I’m not saying they should have worn a business suit, but at least throw on a pair of khakis.

  42. Fyi the girls don’t get paid till AFTER the season is aired..ya know, makes sure the ratings are worth paying them for. Nice recap though…

  43. Jennelle – She needs to give up school and pursue her future as a trashy stripper, which I’m sorry to say is where I think she might belong if she doesn’t grow up and get a clue.

    Kail – While she is all doom and gloom, I kind of feel sorry for her. Jo is abusive and I don’t care if she’s living in his ‘parents’ house or not. He should be paying child support and let the ‘rent’ be talking amongst with his parents and Kail. Its not HIS house, unless of course he helps pay the mortgage, which I doubt.

    Leah – I feel bad for her, and every time I see her struggles with her little one I hug my four month old a little closer. I think they take the hillbilly a bit too far, but if that’s what they wanna be then whatever.

    Chelsea – She gets on my nerves and irritates me. I’m sorry, but when I was sixteen I passed my GED while taking care of a dying grandparent and my dad who worked 12hr shifts. Her problem is she is LAZY.

    Anyway, per usual your recaps are fabulous. As for the lovely teen cult followers who bashed you for your last recap, tell them to grab their sippy cups, fill them with kool-aid and take a chill pill.

  44. “The second place wasn’t bad at all, nice infact, and was going to run them $750/month.  So if my math is correct that will be $749 from the US Department of Education/Sallie Mae and $0.01 from Kieffah that he probably found in Barb’s couch.”

    Umm, you might want to recheck that math. 😉

  45. Ambers Fetus says:

    Will Amber keep this one or have abortion #2? I wonder what this tattoo will look like? Naked pics on radar. Can we get a update recap of that mess and Jo getting arrested for The Marijuana ?

  46. Doh! I should really read all the comments thoroughly before posting my own. I was so proud I busted your math, I just skimmed the comments quickly and end ended up being a “first!!!” commenter. Dumb me.

    I laughed out loud on this recap more than usual. You were on fire with this one. Hicks should declare jihad on you more often, you work well under duress.

    But as an aside, I wish someone would wash out my mouth with churros y chocolate! That sounds like my kind of punishment!

  47. I don’t know if you or anyone addressed this and i missed it or not, but can someone please tell me why jenelle’s piece o shit car (with da EdHardy seat covaahh’s) half the time has a bumper then doesn’t!!!?? i know the show is edited a lot, but she’ll be driving her car one day without bumper, then sometimes in scenes from supposedly “the same/next day” the car doesn’t have a damn bumper, then has a bumper again!! it’s really been friggin’ bugging me.

    PS: Great recap….as always. Gotta love BARB!!!

  48. You know Barb is special because she is a FULL TIME Walmart employee. I did not know Walmart had them anymore. Shes needs the 40 hours to support her little bitch of a daughter

  49. I think that was vodka and kool aid in Aubrey’s bottle.

    I’d drink too if Chelsea and Adam were my parents.

    I might even send her a tiny pair of leopard print pumps and taxi fare just so she can walk out the door and run to Poppa Chelsea and away from those two ignorant fools that made her.

  50. frenchfille says:

    @robyn – I noticed the bumper too. Little stuff like that drives me crazy. Another thing is tracking the crazy manicures. Leah goes from TrimSpa nails to chewed off nothings “the next day.” Kail has ratty, chipped off polish to GROWN OUT french tips “the next day.” Just a small tip ladies if I may, quit the gross nails and pay your rent. Oh, and Janelle add Kieffah AND the Reefah to the list of what you should quit. There’s your $0.99 and you’re welcome.

    Someone above pointed out the worst with Leah wearing her engagement pond ring during the cornbread cake dinner from hell. And speaking of her, MTV is killing me. I watch this show purely for the trashiness of it all. I was bawling when Leah called her mom after the eye doctor appt. Not acceptable!

  51. My friends and I now play a crunchy hair/bangs game when we’re at the bar. IBBB, you’re changing drinking culture one crunchy perm at a time.

  52. I just need to put 2 cents (a.k.a. the amount Corey paid for that tiny baseball cap) about our girl Chelsea. My God. This bitch gives me rage blackouts. She is painfully, militantly stupid. The way she and her dad talk to each other makes me want to suffocate myself. I mean, what the eff is up with her adding “uhh” to the end of words when she wants something? “Aduuumm-uh!” “Daaaaad-uh!” “I have to get my gee ee deeeeeeeee-uh!”


    Also, I watched this episode online, so I ended up seeing the “exclusive” [insert side eye] extra footage. It is Chelsea waiting for, no joke, SEVERAL hours for her shit-for-brains boyfriend to come home from work so he can take her to the grocery store. He actually says something that made me like him a tiny bit, which was, essentially, why the fuck can’t you take your own damn self to the store? She whines until she realizes she has no choice, then they have a really hilarious scene of her in the store with the baby and it is obvious that she has NO IDEA how to grocery shop for herself. She’s like, “Uuuuugh… guess I have to walk down the aaaaiiiiiles-uh.” Seriously. This girl is STUPID.

  53. Oh, and PS: Loved the I Love Leah graphics!

  54. Loved the rating system at the end. And that you included the 2-liter mountain dew sighting when Keiffah was sleeping in the bed sans sheets.

    Did anyone else notice the God-awful gold bracelet Isaac was wearing when Janet was babysitting?

    @KittyKat – “Welcome to Wahhl-Maht. Have a nice friggin’ day.” HILARIOUS!

  55. Episode Rating: 1 Crunchy Hair, 2 Puffy Leather Couches, and a Crying Farrah

    Tooooo funny, loved it!

  56. Ok first of all, seriously with Leah’s doctors! They all suck balls. They just spit out these horrible diagnoses like they’re saying, “Oh it will probably rain.”
    Also, I’m shocked you didn’t mention the fact that at the Italian restaurant (which I thought was a sit-down establishment) served their beverages in bottles. Talk about high class!

  57. Too funnyyy! :) New Fan for sure!!!

  58. @B–I saw Isaac’s bracelet too and wondered why in the world they would put a bracelet on a baby?! Then I realized it might be a medical alert bracelet?

    And I’m so down for a trip to North Carolina to see Barb at the Wahhl-Maht. And if I can’t go, I will totally send a donation to send Patrick to meet his favorite lady with a bitch of a dahhhtahh who pahties her ass off.

  59. Am i the only one who found it pretty gross that Corey kissed Leah’s engagement ring-clad finger AFTER it was in the nasty lake water?

  60. This blog is just as entertaining as the shows you recap, which I am sort of ashamed to admit, I watch them all. I can’t wait to read each post. You are hilarious and a talented writer. That being said, if Leah and Corey have declared war on you, good for them. I was appalled by the Barbie legs and stem cells comment. I’m all for a good laugh, and I have a great sense of humor, but you crossed the line, and I’d have a lot more respect for you if you admitted that.

  61. Why has no one mentioned chelsea’s hair? One day it’s the skunk blonde and then ‘next day’ it’s all brown. Stupid.

  62. Apparently, booty shorts are acceptable for job interviews if and only if, you are under the age of consent and ejected a human being from your hoohah. Just like having your school completely and thoroughly paid for without doing any work for it. I had a harder time getting my GI Bill that I paid into once I started school. So nice to see that Jenelle’s craptastic self is abusing this “what does personal responsibility mean?” perk. Why doesn’t she just sell her link card for a bottle of “Henn” and make the picture complete?

    Chelsea’s daddy needs to invest more in the daughter that isn’t a loser. He has one of those, doesn’t he?

    Kail – She loves her kid but she’s an ungrateful money-grubber.

    Leah – Editing and Jihad aside, I like Leah. She is the most responsible of them all.