Jersey Shore Recap: If Sammi and Ronnie Break Up in the Woods and We’re Not There to See It, Did It Really Happen?

Well I’m back to NYC from my trip to sunny San Diego.  So this recap is better late than never.  The amount of emails I received about this recap being late is, well, concerning.  If the 200 people who emailed me don’t hit the “recommend” button I’m going to punch myself in the ding-a-ling until this blog implodes.  Ole!

What Does It Mean When You “Put My Sh*t on Blast?” - Seriously, I can only decipher things in an AARP catalog these days. It’s the morning after the big fight…or “a” big fight between Yawnie and Yawnie. As soon as the sheets come off of Yawnie he immediately starts yelling at Yawnie. It’s like, at least have a cup of coffee and a handful of steroids before you begin yet another quarrel. Quarrel. That’s a funny word. It’s kind of like squirrel. I bet squirrels quarrel. Especially the ones with those three slices on the side of their body that I’m pretty sure means they have rabies. I have no idea, I’m from the city. Moving on, Grandpa Situation tapes up his penis and starts to have girl talk with Sammi SweatStains about the horrible things that Ronnie did to her in Miami. Ronnie overhears this and squeals to VaDeena and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta that Grandpa Sitch put his “sh*t on full blast.” Is he rapping? I can’t follow. All I know is that in order to feel better he and Pauly D go out to the disgusting boardwalk to ride the teacups and reenact the opening credits from Step By Step. I don’t trust any of those rides. With the clientele and all that grease, wax, and oil it’s a no wonder patrons aren’t shooting out of them on the regular.

Sammi Sees Dead People and Made Up Relationships - VaDeena ends up taking Sammi out on the boardwalk to take her mind off the constant fighting, which means that this afternoon will be filled with plentiful cameltoe and rocket knockers being sported by VaDeena and, well, she didn’t disappoint. I like how she tries to class things up by placing a flower in her hair. She should place one down her pants too because I have a feeling it smells like the tundra down there. While out having a drink, Sammi sees Ronnie and Pauly D walk by with a camera crew and about 5,369 people following them with blurred out faces. Immediately Sam thinks that she sees Ronnie with a girl. She is such a psycho. It’s like, how’s your daddy issues? This really puts Sammi over the edge and she ends up trying to flirt with guys at “da bar” by using innovative pickup lines like “Come here, I want to talk to you.” The guys she attracts all look like Ronnie but, then again, everyone at the Jersey Shore looks like Ronnie. It’s a horrible, terrible, horrific place filled with orange runts.

Why is Vinny Here This Season? - Some questions just don’t have answers.

Oh No Ronnie and Sammi Broke Up Again Today, Just Now – I’ve been getting pretty good at detecting the exact moment when Ronnie and Sammi are about to break up. Here are some clues that may help you become an expert like me: (1) They start saying things like, “get this” or “know this” or “realize that” or “get that.” I heard 3 of those phrases so you know the end is near. (2) Sammi slurs that Ronnie doesn’t deserve someone like her. Oh no you both deserve exactly who you currently have. Get that. (3) Someone shouts “You do you and I’ll do me.” That’s typically when it finally ends. (4) Any conversation that takes place on the roof on grandma’s parlor furniture from yesteryear. Location, location, location.

So is Sam Trying to Tell Us She Hates Ron? - This show has turned into the Bad Girls Club pretty much. While getting ready to go out for the night and continue to make bad life decisions, Sam asks Ron what he’s going to do if girls come up to him. Seriously, she is clinically insane. This somehow escalates to tears and a major room renovation. Ronnie starts pulling Sammi’s greasy clothes out of her closet and throwing them on the outside balcony. Then, suddenly, he apparently tries to throw her bed out the friggin’ window with Sammi still in it. Now it’s like an episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I was just waiting for Ty to start screaming “You’re both alcoholics” through his megaphone. Worst ever. The fight is now going room to room with Sammi screaming at the top of her lungs “I hate you. I hate you” over and over again all while Ronnie is screaming back at her how he’s going to bang three girls in the Smoosh Room later that night. Why just three? Dream bigger, Ron. You have enough Syph to spread to at least 6 girls and possibly one albino mule that you’ll find on your walk home. The roommates are trying to break up the fight between these two tools and I actually had to lower the volume on my TV because I felt as if Sammi was telling me that she hated me and, well, I’m hoping that isn’t true. Sometimes I get sensitive.

Meanwhile, Ronnie takes this time to finish up the bedroom makeover by dragging Sammi’s mattress and clothes out to the balcony. I mean I’m not trying to take sides, but Ronnie is kinda right…this is what you get for never cooking him dinner.  I mean, what?  Anyway, the room is really starting to take shape.  I can’t wait for someone to yell “Bus driver, move that bus” right before the big reveal to Sammi.  On the way out of the house, Ronnie walks past Sam and says, “Snooki was right about you, you are a slut.”  Brilliant.  Even better is how you see Snooki mouth the words to Sam, “I never called you a slut.”  Most importantly, is how Snooki’s boobs are literally up to her chin during this scene.  It’s like a “Where’s Waldo” puzzle at this point.

Sammi’s Flirting Skills Hit Tilt - Get ready to become red with embarrassment.  After Snooki and VaDeena unsuccessfully try to move Sammi’s entire bed downstairs into their room (that smells like vaginas) they end up going to the same “da club” as Ronnie and crew.  What a coincidence.  Sammi immediately starts screaming the following:  “Where are the hot guys?  I need a hot guy.  Hot guys, come here.”  She then starts walking through the crowd yelling, “I’m single come dance with me.  Come dance, I’m single.”  She’s the worst.  And the dude that she chooses to dance with couldn’t look less interested that her new “bedroom” at home smells like vaginas.

You Break My Heart, I Break Your Sh*t - Ronnie is so mad that Sammi is dancing with that “guy” that he goes home and literally destroys all of Sam’s stuff.  No joke.  He smashes her glasses, breaks the rest of her bed, smashes her drawers, etc, etc.  I mean, truth be told I’m sure the grand total of her stuff didn’t top $49.99, but still.  This guy is nuts.  And, you’re stupid enough to do that with cameras on you?  Who breaks peoples stuff?  Spend a little less time tanning and at the gym and a little more time at the therapist to help explain why you are abusive to your girlfriend, douche.  Sammi should have dumped all of his Xenadrine down the toilet and kicked him in his bleeding anus.

When Sammi finds her room literally destroyed she goes up to the room to confront Ronnie who somehow turns this around on her and says that she was dancing with a guy in front of him and how at least he had enough “respect” for her to cheat on her behind her back.  Uh, huh?  I actually had to rewind that to make sure I got all of it correct.  I mean, these two clearly have a drinking problem and are completely abusive to each other.  Time to cut ties for real.  And, not for nothing, but how come the authorities aren’t called on these two like they were for Amber and Gary?  Is it because there wasn’t a child present?  Well I have the mind of child and I’m present and I’m frightened.  I’m sleeping with my nightlight on tonight.

Moments of Humor - At least there was a little lighthearted fun in this episode like when Snooki and VaDeena made fun of the guy at the bar buying them shots because you could see his penis through his short-shorts.  Or like when JWoww got back from her night out and decided to change into a dominatrix outfit for Roger (and all of America) to see.   I mean, class acts all around.

In the end - In the end, Sammi decides to go home because she needs “time to herself to heal.”  Is that code for therapy and AA meetings because I have to be honest, I kinda hope it does.  Ronnie tries to talk her into staying because, you know, that’s what an abuser likes to do and say.  Hit me again, Ike!  Seriously, she should go home and he should too.  Half this crap wouldn’t be going on if they weren’t trashed in 89% of their scenes.  Maybe they both just have tanning poisoning.  No really, I think that’s a real thing.  They should both be ashamed of themselves.  You know what could make things better though?  They should have unprotected sex and get engaged.  I think that will solve all their problems.  Luckily, Pauly D comically yelled “cabs are hear” when Sammi’s ride showed up.  Good old Pauly D.

Who knew this crapisode would spark so much internal debate.  Don’t get me wrong, I like nothing more than some drunken fighting, but this really was enough.  They’re both idiots.  I think we need more Snooki to balance this crap out.