Jersey Shore Recap: The One Where Ronnie Gets “Time of the Month”

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• Where right back where we left off last week at “da club” and while Sammi Sweatstains and JWoww ShamWow have made peace, it is Yawnie who is drinking everything under the sun and pissing off Sam.  They begin to…wait for it…wait for it….fight.  In his one on one interview Yawnie says, “Here we go again.  It’s like one step forward two step backs”  Yes, Yawnie, just as Paula Abdula and MC Skat Cat used to sing, “two step backs.”  Get off the roids, junkie.
• Everyone is bringing people home with them, but the winner of the night so far is Grandpa Situation who is apparently bringing home the drunken slutty mouse from “An American Tail.”  Seriously she’s a rodent.  Had she been sporting braids, she could have been Jada Pinkett Smith.
• Snooki, who’s looking to smoosh, ends up passing out in the little doggie bed that JWoww has set up for her mutts.  The dogs are just barking at her like, “B*tch, I don’t want any.”  Now I can’t be sure, but I ‘m almost positive I saw a jar of peanut butter clenched in Snooki’s passed out hand.  If the booze didn’t get to her brain and make her sleepy, this night could have ended on a much different note.
• Meanwhile, Sammi is trying to force feed Yawnie in bed who begins to spit out the food and immediately throw up in a bag next to his bed…which is about 3 feet away from the bed that Grandpa Sitch is in…with a girl.  Seriously, between Grandpa Sitch in general, this mess of a room, and a bag of puke this is what I imagine the actual Jersey Shore to look and smell like on the regular.
• The “next morning” whilst Ronnie attempts to do “boom boom” in the toilet, he comes out looking defeated as he is, oh how shall I say this, sh*tting blood.  There we go.  I hope he doesn’t plan on making homemade tomato sauce because according to Teresa Guidice you can ruin the whole batch if you have “time of the month.”  I guess this makes complete sense though as he and Sam are so close and they do say that after a while girls cycles do sync up.
• Gas up the car, because now Ronnie and Sam are heading to the ass doctor.  Here’s the deal.  Anyone remember a little couple back in the day named “Lucy and Ricky?”  Yeah, they created a show for television called “I Love Lucy.”  Yeah.  It changed the face of television as we know it and was brilliantly written and performed.  Yeah.  Families would sit around the television with their children to watch the brilliance that was “I Love Lucy.”  So let’s fast forward 60 years and all watch a doctor stick his finger up Ronnie’s ass to see why he’s pissing blood and, well, let’s make this the first half of the episode.
• The ass doctor thinks the blood may be because of the alcohol that Yawnie has been drinking, but my uneducated guess is that it could be from all the Xenadrine that he’s popping and promoting during each commercial break week after week.  So if bleeding out of your anus isn’t a glowing endorsement for Xenadrine, I don’t know what is.
• So here’s one topic I’m fine with never hearing Snooki never talk about again:  Masterbating.  Especially when she talks about the one time that she did all day long and couldn’t walk the next day.  Oh, and I’m sure by “one time” she really meant “last night while sleeping in the dog bed.”
• Later the girls head to the pharmacy for a big day out and Snooki ends up riding some tricycle all around the store until she busts the handlebars off of it and falls off in the aisle.  What the hell do you do with yourself if you’re a customer and you see a midget riding a bike up and down aisle 3?  It was nice when the handlebars broke off how Snooki and JWoww just lightly placed them back on and pushed the bike over to the side.  Safe.  So when you read in the New Jersey Times how a little boy died after his bike went out of control and he accidentally drove into traffic, you know who to blame.
• Uh oh.  Snooki and VaDeena are in heat.  While at “da club”  VaDeena is ready to hook up with one of Yawnie’s friends and Snooki meets some creepastic stalker too.  They immediately begin to makeout on “da dance floor” and I see way to much tongue for my liking.  Like, even Snooki’s tongue is tanned.  How is that possible?  Does she stick it out whilst in the tanning bed?  Either way, both VaDeena and Snooki bring their guys home and they are literally racing themselves to the bedrooms.  Had there not been cameras Snooki would have already had her (puke) leopard print dress off in the living room.
• Snooki decides against having “da sex” with “da stalker” because like Ronnie, she has her period.  Yuck.  How much blood must be flowing in that house in the past 24 hours?  I’m surprised the Red Cross didn’t set up shop on their sidewalk.
• Meanwhile, VaDeena squeaks “It’s not Halloween.  I’m not handing out candy for free.  You need a golden ticket to get into these drawers.”  Class act.  I’m not sure you need a golden ticket as much as you a heartbeat and, well, even then I’m sure she’d compromise.   However, oooooops, VaDeena ended up giving up her golden ticket to Dario.  I’m sure her parents are beaming with pride.  I wonder if she licked his bum bum like the rumors insist.  I feel like if VaDeena was on top of you it would be just instinct to try and swat her away like a house-fly.
• The “next morning”  Snooki’s stalker ends up taking a swing on the stripper pole and busts his ass…similar to Ronnie only, so far, sans the blood.  Snooki falls on the floor laughing, wiggling her legs back and forth.  Be careful before you spray period all of the place!
• Here’s where I get confused.  Snooki and her “friend” end up going out on the boardwalk of horror to ride the rides for the afternoon and they’re wearing the exact same clothes they were from the night before.  Gross.  I’m sure Snooki’s dress has special sauce all over it, including her “freakin’ poof.”  This kid ends up being a real whack-box and tells Snooki how he was engaged once before, but it was more of just a promise ring and how in a couple months he’s going to give her a promise ring too.  Yeah, unless you’re Greg Brady I would hold back on all this “promise ring” talk.  You can even read it on Snooki’s face that she’s freaked the F out.  She ends up going home and telling him not to call her again but, alas, he does call her over and over and over again.  In fact, he even falls for the standard “Jersey Shore Phone Prank” where Pauly D answers the phone, pretending he’s the answering machine, and the stalker ends up leaving a message.  Brilliant.
• Seconds later the stalker calls again and Pauly D talks with him and lets him know that he’s “done her dirty” and should “send her roses with pickles in them, fried pickles.”  Seriously Pauly D is the best person on this show and, quite possibly, in life.  I feel like he’s the only one who gets it.  God Bless Pauly D/Ellen Travolta.  God Bless us, everyone.
• Next up, the girls head out to the sex shop so that JWoww can pour her breasts into leather and the guys are stuck at home cooking and cleaning like little b*tch housewives.  Snooki and VaDeena are trying on “sexy clothes” too but just end up looking like “Build-a-Bear” in seasonal Halloween outfits.  Seriously, they’re like the guidette version of the Olsen Twins.  I was waiting for them to bust out with a rendition of “I’m the Cute One,” but in this case the lyrics are a total lie.
• Once they’re all back at home having Sunday dinner, Yawnie is all pissed off at Sam for not cleaning out the refrigerator and they make the entire dinner awkward for everyone.  I actually have to admit, this one didn’t seem like it was Sam’s fault.  Yawnie is totally being a big B this episode, but something tells me it may have a little more to do with his period than it does with anything else.
• Time for “da club” again!  Shocker.  Per usual before they even head to “da club” Sam and Yawnie are fighting again.  This time things get “serious” as they end up breaking up, but this time they do so by sitting on their respective beds.
• Whilst at “da club”  Pauly D’s Israeli Stalker shows up and her friend reunites them.  Seriously why is Pauly D talking to her?  To make matters worse/more fun he invites her back to the house.  While there everyone is teeing off on her for being a stalker.  They even play word games with the term “stalk” and “stork” in them. Oh Vinny.  You’re borderline pointless.  The Israeli Stalker rolls with all the punches for camera time, but finally ends up going home at the end of the night.  I hope we see her and her 49 year old face again some day.
• In the end, Sam and Yawnie really end up “breaking up” for “real” this time.  It basically is because Sammi is yelling from her bed to Yawnie’s bed “break up with me by looking me in the face.”  She repeats that over and over again until he finally decides to do just that.  Yawnie ends up leaving the room to go and get some air and Sam chases him through the house saying, “I need closure, dude.”  You also need highly intensive therapy.  They decide that Sammie will “move out of their room” in the morning.  Are these two for real?  Kill yourself, but do me a favor and kill me first.  Oh, but before all of that someone give Ronnie a tampon because his ass is bleeding for Christ sakes.

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