Throw away your extra doses of Pitocin, hit up your trash claw with some WD40, and “sexy-dance” your ass off because Teen Mom is back! Sure it’s not the same group of trash bags that we’re used to, but if anyone can save Teen Mom 2 it’s the new and refreshed draw-string trash bags, Jenelle and Barbara. I’d like to say these garbage bags are odorless but, let’s face it, that’s not a claim I’m ready to make. Anymistakesthatturnintotelevisionshows, here’s what went down last night on the season premiere of Teen Mom 2 (electric boogaloo):
Jenelle – it’s like no time has passed at all from Jenelle’s 16 & Pregnant episode. Jenelle is still living with her mom Barbara and Barb is still tossing in little digs to Jenelle here and there. We learns that the “baby daddy” is now “modeling” in China which I’m pretty sure is actually code for “got a happy ending from a Chinese prostitute behind a dumpster of a 7-11 while a security camera took his picture.” Either way the “baby daddy” is, in fact, sending child support. Barb is most relieved that Andrew is “out of the pitchah” which I believe she meant “picture” however she is still less than pleased that Jenelle is still “paahhtyin’ her ass off.” Ding! Ding! Ding! For those of you playing along at home…drink! We know that Barb is getting pissed because she’s staring down Jenelle out of the top of her eyeglasses like Whoopi Goldberg does on the regular whilst hosting The View.
Jenelle is quite the little worker-bee-mom and gives her baby a bath and then wisely leaves him unattended in the tub quickly so she can go and grab a towel in the other room…safe! It’s like she was taking copious notes whilst watching Farrah parent the sh*t out of Sophia. After she sends Jace to bed she is temporarily free from her prison sentence and heads out with her friends to the local bar and packs her jean cut-off shorts and cowboy boots…she’s “sexy dancing” like Amber on a meth binge within minutes. Thank God! Next up she starts riding the bull and claims she never did it before but I’m pretty sure her “bull riding skills” got her in this horrible mess in the first place.
The next morning Barb is taking care of Jace while Jenelle sleeps in after a night out of “pahhhtyin’ her ass off.” Barb takes this time to not only be dressed like a Smurf, but also to talk to the cameras and let all of us know that Jenelle never makes a bottle because things are “always about Jenelle.” Here’s the deal, while I do agree with Barb she should be a little more grateful because if it wasn’t for her “little bitch of a daughter” she really wouldn’t be on national television right now. Silver lining, see? Barb ends up taking Jace to work with her (??) so Jenelle can sleep in…with a camera crew filming her in her bed with a Zack Morris-ish bed spread. It looks like it stinks like the musty basement of a church.
Later after Jenelle gives Jace another bath, dresses him, and puts him to bed Barb notices that um…gulp…that um…ouch…that um gulp…that his, um, shirt is to big for him and, well, um (gulp) he’s uh, he’s going to be cold so she um…she…well she changes the outfit that Jenelle had put on him. Gulp. Apparently this is a sign of the “end of days” for Jenelle because she starts yelling at Barb about how she should be the one to dress her child, not Barb. After mouthing off to Barb, Barb disconnects Jenelle from the Internet which, for some inexplicable reason, is connected by a wire running across her bedroom door (fancy). In turn, Jenelle continues to boil over, rushes past Barb in the kitchen (extra chuckles for Barb actually “playing defense” as Jenelle enters the kitchen) and ends up taking what looks like a wireless router out from the kitchen cabinet and runs back into her room. Suddenly this turns into an episode of COPS because Barb is hot on her trail and the camera is shaking and loses focus. Jenelle ends up throwing the wireless router on the ground like it was a friggin grenade and then screams for Barb to leave her room. When Barb doesn’t leave Jenelle pulls a typical “Amber and Gary Fight Move” and pushes Barb out of her room to which Barb yells back (from the hallway) “that’s it, you’re done!” Jenelle leaves “Casa de Crazy” as Barb yells she’s going to call the cops. Quite the interesting night up on Walton Mountain, isn’t it?
I mean, then it gets worse. The “next day” Jenelle is out with her friends driving around and ends up back at her house where some guy serves her with court papers from the sidewalk like they just pulled up for a cup of $0.50 lemonade. Apparently Barb is trying to get custody of the baby. To no surprise, Jenelle is less than thrilled with this and Round 2 of the fight continues. She storms in the house calling her mom every swear that one can think of and Barb is right there fighting back. Although the house can’t contain these two because they bring it outside where Jenelle is screaming and swearing at Barb in front of the house (where all the trailer neighbors can hear and see) and she ends up getting all up in Barb’s face (oh no she didn’t!) and scares the crap out of poor timid little Barb. Barb, of course, screams that she wants her out of the house and never around the baby again…to which Jenelle screams back that she is the bad mom and that’s why she got pregnant at 16. Barb jabs back that she got pregnant because she “spread her legs.” Uh, yeah Barb, that’s technically how that works. Thanks for stating the obvious.
I have to admit that I’m surprised that Jenelle would scream at her mom like this on national television. If me or my sister EVER spoke to my mom like that growing up let me tell you what would have gone down at my house. First off “Johnny the Stick” would have come out for a nice little chase around the house and my sister would have been going up to her bedroom via the “Ponytail Express.” And you know what? I never got anyone pregnant as a teenager and my sister was never a teen mom. Just sayin’.
Chelsea – I barely remember Chelsea. Although MTV was kind enough to replay her crapisode about 15 times a day over the past week so I got to know Chelsea all over again. It’s like we rekindled. I already miss Jenelle. I miss Barb even more. Anytan, Chelsea may be a teen mom but it doesn’t mean that she’s not an adult and ready to move out on her own and make adult decisions. The only catch is that her dad is basically buying her a house. She may just be renting it, but her dad is definitely paying for it. However, she won’t be living alone because her friend Megan will be living with her like a modern day bad mistake version of Laverne and Shirley. This makes sense for Megan because at the end of the day there isn’t anything guys find hotter than two girls living in their own place with a baby crying and sh*tting all over the place. Birth control need not apply.
Once Chelsea and Megan move into their new house the baby somehow craps right through her pants and actually up her stomach. Yum. Chelsea ends up calling her mom and freaks out over the fact that the baby “diarrheaed” all over the place. Is that an actual word? Chelsea seems to think so, so good enough for me. I’m not getting bogged down in the grammatical details because I’m more concerned over deciding if Chelsea has a half Snooki poof. Meanwhile, Chelsea and Megan end up having their friends over for a little get-t0gether. What do we think about Megan? She’s kind of hot right? She’s hot in that “you’re totally getting pregnant next” kind of way. And why do all the friends have the same exact haircut? It’s like the Jersey Shore hits middle America.
Later, Chelsea puts her baby down to sleep but then gets bored so she apparently wakes her up, grabs Megan and they head out to do some clothes shopping. Naps are overrated anyway. While out shopping she gets a call from some dude who wants to ask her out on a date. She met him at school which is a step up from Amber who typically meets her men outside a “Wally.” Chelsea better get trashy and get trashy fast if she wants to hold my attention.
It’s finally date night and she’s getting ready and clearly trying to look like a nice balance between Snooki and JWoww. Way to aim high. Within 25 seconds of her “date” picking her up she just dropped the word “diarrhea.” Awesome. If this dude didn’t already know that Chelsea was a “sure thing” he would have hit the breaks and bounced her ass out on the street. Oh, and save your hate mail and nasty comments about how just because a girl got pregnant as a teenager doesn’t mean she’s a slut. Of course I don’t think that. However, it just makes it easier to think that all things are sluts. For example, I think the dude who works the front desk at my apartment is a slut and my lamp is a slut and a mailbox is a slut (for obvious reasons) and so forth and so on. Oh, and so forth too. I almost forgot the so forth. I hate when I forget the so forth.
Watching these two on a date is what I can only imagine Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez to look like. A face full of make up and bushy hair and, well, then there’s the way that Selena looks too. Hey-oh!
In the end she ends up crying to her dad about being alone and not having anyone to help raise her baby. She should go and tan more. That would make her feel better. Oh, and more hairspray. Like a lot more hairspray.
Kailyn – Meet Kailyn. The only thing interesting about her at the time was her mom, Suzi, who used to rock the best mock Kate Gosselin hair that money could buy. I loved her mom. She totally was going to end up on Intervention if her daughter didn’t end up on 16 & Pregnant at the time so this was a real win-win for me. Suzi kind of was like Tyler’s mom but with a more jacked up haircut. Moving on. Kailyn and her boyfriend Jo are fighting in the driveway over how many miles she drove to work in his car. Apparently she’s driven a total of 80 miles that day (where the hell did she go?!) and Jo is not believing her and claiming that he checks the miles on the car every single day. Really? Why? That sounds like a horrible hobby.
Jo ends up “breaking things off” with Kailyn, but I’m more interested in the fact that Jo and his family live in this kick ass house. It’s huge. She definitely traded up. Regardless, Jo wants a break and is probably growing bored of tracking Kailyn’s daily car miles so he suggests that she go and live with her mom. Yay!
Kailyn heads out to the local diner to meet up with her mom! Oh wait. Let down. Her mom’s hair is normal and nothing like it used to be. Ugh. I miss April and Butch. Regardless, her mom looks like she’s in the middle of a heroin detox and she’s all fidgety and her eyes are darting all over the place. She looked like she was ready to run screaming through the diner wall (via a Bugs Bunny cut out) and out into traffic. I’m pretty sure she thinks she sitting in the middle of the Magic Kingdom right now anyway. The only sad part is when Kailyn tells her mom she doesn’t really know where she’s going to live and her mom just sits there and says nothing. Trash bag.
Her boyfriend, Jo’s, mom is still going to let her live in the basement while she and Jo try to work things out. Why does the look on Kailyn’s face always look like she about to puke from eating too much? Like, I’m waiting for her to jump up, hold her mouth, and blurt out “I’ll be right back” as she runs towards the bushes to vomit. Just me? I’m odd like that.
Kailyn is committing to her side pony-tail at all times, even when her friend comes over so she can tell her that she’s living in the basement. It sounds worse than it actually is. In reality, the basement is bigger and nicer than most of the other houses that these girls live in this season…combined.
In the end Kailyn heads off to work at Sports Authority (I mean, please) and some co-worker dude walks her to her car (her moms car) and asks to hang out with her sometime. When Kailyn says “maybe” this dude repeats over and over again, “Maybe? Just maybe? So maybe? Just maybe?” It’s like he was short-circuiting. The fact that his eyebrows met directly in the middle didn’t really help the cause. Plus. they’re both working at Sports Authority. I mean, where are they going out on a date anyway? A soup kitchen?
Leah – Ah yes. Leah. Where are we with Leah? Well apparently after her crapisode of 16 & Pregnant she cheated on her boyfriend Corey with her ex-boyfriend and so Corey broke up with her. Go figure. They are, however, trying to work things out and communicate more, but are having a hard time with that. It’s a no wonder since I can’t understand half the crap that comes out of their mouths and most is accompanied with sub-titles. Leah is rocking a longer version of Maci’s hair right now and kind of reminds me of her a bit. And what’s with all of these girls having face piercings? I mean, is there a correlation between having your face pierced and getting knocked the hell up at a young age? I hope Dr. Drew does a study on that.
Leah is about to graduate so her mom is taking her to get her hair done which means slick the sh*t out of the bangs, glue them down the side of her face and then do “wet curls” all over the place. Mmmm crunchy!
It’s the morning of her graduation and she texts Corey to see if he’s coming to graduation to see her. So wait, she’s graduating? From high school? Then why did her text say, “It would mean a lott if you came.” Lott? Jesus. Someone get me a plane ticket to the Lackawacky south (wherever she’s from) because I’m going to do flash cards with her before she gets that damn diploma.
Well, I’m disappointed…not because Corey didn’t show up but because she walked across the stage without her signature soaking wet curly hair in the back and business slick in the front. Why do all the bad things happen to me!?
Leah ends up calling Corey the next day and invites him over for dinner when he comes to pick up the girls. He gives this a “maybe.” He’s clearly a man of many words. Funny how things changed in this little cat and mouse game and now Leah is the one doing the chasing. Girls. You can’t live with them and you can’t un-slick their bangs. They’re a wiley bunch.
In the end, Corey comes over for chicken and mac-n-cheese and (thank God) the crispy curls are finally back. And, to top things off, the bangs are slicked. I do believe in Jesus Claus, I do! Per usual, Corey cries up a storm especially after Leah bakes him some nasty cake and gives him a Hallmark card. She should have checked his pants for balls before he left with the twins for the weekend. Will these two end up getting back together? Will more sub-titles be used during conversations between them? Yes and no and no. And yes. Stay tuned.
Overall I’m pleased with this entire episode. I mean, Jenelle and her mom totally carried it (as they should) and therefore I will rate the Season Premiere of Teen Mom Two, 3 out of 4 “crying Farrah’s.”
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