Finally we’re back with a new crapisode of Real Housewives of Atlanta. Yeee haw! It was an action packed show with parties, singing, dancing, and much much more…and even much much less. Here’s what went down on the latest RHOA:
- When I walk into a room, I’m HOPELESS!
- It’s been a cool minute since the last crapisode was on, so it’s only fitting that we start things off with Phae Phae cutting peaches in her kitchen all whilst sporting some see-through spandex pants. I mean the lights from the camera shining off her knife and hitting her spandex really makes her busted a** pop. There was so much going on down there it was like a party at Diddy’s.
- So why is Phaedra cutting peaches, you ask? Well she’s getting ready for her “Sip and See” but of course! Every high society southern Atlanta belle knows that when you shoot a human out through your vaginastein it’s only customary to invite over the townspeople to sip on some Bellini’s and then awkwardly stare at your baby. See, I’m from up North where we do things a bit different. We have a “Sip and Slide” where we crush a 30 pack in 30 minutes and then toss the baby up a “Slip and Slide” while family members throw money at it and yell how “wicked cute” it is. I guess it’s a left over tradition from the Civil War. Ahhh, traditions. So nice.
- Can we dive a little deeper into what Apollo actually went to jail for? He’s trying to quickly chime in that he really didn’t “steal a car” but is branded an automobile thief and had to go to jail for it. Um, yeah. No. If you really only stole a car I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t spend the 6 years you did behind bars. I mean, there was a British nanny who once shook a baby to actual death and she got off with a little slap on the wrist. Pip pip!
- AnnaMae! You bet—you bet—you better take 5, AnnaMae! Enter Peter and Cynthia. Is it just me or can’t you either wait for the day when Radar Online gets a hold of some crazy police record for Peter. Peter’s business, Uptown, is apparently failing and he’s all sorts of pissed off. He and Cynthia (yawn) are arguing back and forth about giving up the business, not giving up the business, taking a journey and blah. But all I’m occupied with is wondering how Peter would sound singing “Under the Sea.” In this scenario, Phaedra’s mother would, of course, be Ursula and Kandi would be Flounder. All of this makes me like Peter and Cynthia much better and, to be honest, really makes me want to ride Space Mountain.
- After waiting a good 2 minutes and 13 seconds it’s finally time for Phaedra’s Sip and See and, well, it didn’t disappoint. Dwight was there to introduce himself to everyone in the room (like all pedophiles are court-ordered to do) and announce the arrival of the “Royal Family” down the stairs and into the living room where everyone is allowed to look at the baby and never ever even think about touching him because, according to Phae Phae, everyone has horrible germs all over their hands. If I were Phaedra I’d be more concerned about keeping Dwight upwards of 100 feet away from the child or any children for that matter. No one likes a diddler showing off at a Sip and See!
- Sidenote, I like how Phaedra pronounces “tuxedo” as “tuxeda.” I’m going to start just randomly adding “a’s” at the end of certain words. Example: Someone teach me to play a tune on my new baby-grand piana.
- Kim shows up to the Sip and See looking like she just finished sliding down the pole, walked off stage, and then just walked to Phaedra’s house of horror. Her rack is hanging out and she keeps her sunglasses on at all times.
- Minutes later, Kim shows Phaedra her paperwork to prove that she is, in fact, a nurse. Phaedra apologizes and says that Kim doesn’t look like a typical nurse. I would have said, “You don’t smoke like a typical nurse” as opposed to “look.”
- Meanwhile, NeNe heads over to Fox News to see the work that she’s been doing and tape some “intro’s” for her new segment. It’s so awkward. All I can picture is on the Real Housewives commercials when NeNe says, “Do yooooooou want to live like a reeeeaaaaaal housewife? All equally horrible. In other news, half of NeNe’s head is orange. Won’t someone tell her this? If I were the producer I would have been like, “Ok NeNe that take was really good, but can you do it one more time and this time with your head less orange?” See I’d be a good producer. I’m good at a lot of things, like street crossing, dotting my i’s, and Janga.
- Oh sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary (!), Kim is starting to pack for her three city tour and since she is basically like Lindsay Lohan and is always run down (from cough due to cold and drugs due to partying) it only makes absolute sense that her assistant, Sweetie, will be injecting her with a B12 shot. Seriously, who is her doctor that would just give her a pack of B12 shots for the hell of it? If I were her doctor I would have just informed Kim that she’s probably so run down and draggy because she has a 12 pound dead cat/wig on her head weighing her down. I mean, that coupled with her ginormous boobs it’s a no wonder she doesn’t topple over on the regular. But, alas, I am not a doctor (I only play one on my blog) and Sweetie shoots up Kim in the arm like that horrific scene in Pulp Fiction. In that scenario, Kim would be playing the role of John Travolta and Uma Thurman.
- When Kim mentions to her daughter, Shecky Zolciak, that she’ll be away from her for 7 days on tour, Shecky looks sad. When she learns that Sweetie is going with Kim she actually breaks down and starts crying. She better dry those tears quick before they drip into her mouth and her braces rust shut. More kids die from that than secondhand smoke…I’m pretty sure. Yup, I just checked. It’s true.
- I love how Kim tries to explain to a crying Shecky that she doesn’t have a typical 9-5 job because she’s a singer. I actually think that Kim thinks that she is actually a real singer. Like, she think she’s really going on a real tour like Britney Spears and that we’re really not all giving her the side-eye the entire time as a unified nation. Oh Kim, so simple. So simple and puffy all over.
- Later Kim and Kandi meet with “Don Juan” who apparently is “the tour” manager. Should I also put manager in quotes? Take two. Later Kim and Kandi meet with “Don Juan” who apparently is “the tour manager.” He is no joke, yet a complete joke, and Kim is getting as mad as Big Papa’s real wife over all the “rules” that Don Juan is placing on this tour like: don’t be late for sound check, don’t smoke, and sleep on the bus. What a tyrant!
- Awkward Racial Comment Alert: So when Don Jaun tries to fit into Kim’s bed to show her that even he can fit, Kim says, “Get your nappy a** off my bed.” Yeah, that’s not right to say considering Kim is white, yes? I mean, I guess I’m not the most politically correct that there is, but even I found myself shouting towards the TV, “Oh Kim, baby, no.” I mean, when Don Imus says it he is suspended from his radio show, but when Kim says it apparently she is celebrated and given another song to “sing” to.
- Kim wants to smoke on the bus, but she isn’t allowed to so she sets a good example to all of society by bargaining with the bus DRIVER by letting him know that if he allows her to smoke she’ll let him drink…whilst driving the bus. If Kandi weren’t on the bus, I would give this idea my blessing and just let the chips/wigs fall where they may…hopefully all over the highway. I kid. I would throw myself out of my apartment window if anything bad ever happened to Kim.
- Back to NeNe-ville. NeNe is interviewing Jermaine Dupri. Holy hell it’s like watching the Jolly Green Giant interviewing Sprout. Ho ho ho.
- Sprout is basically only answering the Jolly Green Giant’s questions with one word answers and mostly “no’s.” No no no, Green Giant!
- Moments later Sprout gives the JGG a tour of his studio (which I believe is technically located in a Keebler elves tree-house) and later they play basketball and never talk about Janet Jackson. Yawn. Every time Sprout gave one word answers she should just have blurted out “Blonk!”
- I know most can’t stand her, but me gusta Phaedra! While out power-walking with Sheree, Phae Phae is discussing her big a** and saying how much it changed since she’s been pregnant and how it used to be a “big ole donkey booty…like a big reindeer.” Then she says, “Yeah, it runs in my family. Everyone got a big old stinky booty.” Yum. She finishes off her rein of terror by saying, “Black men love a big old donkey booty…so if you want a black man you gotta put some meat and potatoes on them bones.” I mean what!? And then they just throw to commercial. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. And also, I kind of want to start referring to things as a “big old donkey booty.” Ole!
- Meanwhile, Kim and Kandi’s bus pulls up to some random bar called the Thirsty Beaver. It actually has a cartoon drawing of a beaver on the side of the building. I miss Audrina.
- Ay yi yi, this bar. This bar. This is the kind of bar where families go to all just have sex with each other and drink pitchers of $1.00 beers and then go home and fight it out to the death.
- There’s some guy sitting next to Kandi (kinda in the background) that has a long thin gray chin beard about 10 inches long. This is where I would go to die.
- Don Juan is talking to Kim about her “image” and how “risky” her song “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” is. The conversation turns to how Kim claims that Big Papa never cheated on her…even though he was still married…with a wife…whilst dating Kim. This got me to thinking. What the hell do you do with yourself if you’re the “other women” in a Kim Zolciak love triangle? And you know what? I wouldn’t have an answer and not just because I’m “sans vag.”
- Blah. I really dislike watching Cynthia and Peter. They’re fighting again, but this time in front of a marriage counselor. Let’s just cut to the chase that this wedding is never taking place, right? And when can we start officially calling her “Shawnie?” Next.
- Once at Tempo in North Caroline, Kandi’s mom and aunts (and the one aunt who looks like Dionne Warwick) show up to support Kandi for her big “club” performance. Minutes before the performance, Kim is outside chain-smoking and drinking a glass of wine in a clear keg cup all whilst practicing her dance moves. I mean, this is the best day of life. She’s even sporting half-camel during all of this!
- And…it’s time for Kim’s performance. She heads out on to stage and completely forgets all of her dance moves, but “sings” anyway. I mean why even sing? Really. Why not just grow out the hair around your “gentlemen greeter,” stick a lit cigarette in it, clip on a lapel microphone to it, press play on the tape recorder, and then just lay down on stage, spread your legs, and let the song sing itself? I mean, come on, work with me Zolciak.
- Kim places the microphone directly in front of her mouth (almost in it) so that we can’t see her lips move and she “sings” her song. The crowd loved it, but let’s face it the sun was out when they entered the club so they’re probably already trashed this point can’t believe they’re at a taping of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
- Next up Kandi sings a couple of her songs and kills it. I know I always, always, always, say it but she’s the real deal. Why doesn’t she dump this show and just focus on her music and stop asking Kim to come along with her on tour? It’s guaranteed camera time, sure, but still.
- In the end, leg one of “the tour” was a success and they all retire back to the tour bus where Kim and Sweetie wreak havoc on everyone trying to sleep. It’s official, Kim never takes off that fright wig.
Get Social and Join Me:
