Jersey Shore Recap: Meet Deena, the Walking Holiday, and Her Seasonal Na-Na

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Break out your gold-plated crabs comb and start scratchin’ because Jersey Shore is back! You know how Jesus promised to come back to the United States via Heaven years down the line? Well, this is basically it for me. With all the dead birds falling from the sky lately and millions of fish doing the permanent dead-mans-float I knew that it had to be a sign of the Jersey Shore apocalypse and you know what…it was! Here’s what went down (besides Deena) on the season premiere of “Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Miami?”

• How crazy is it to see the whole gang in the opening credits?  Just me?  They’re using the same shots from about a year ago and everyone looks like they’ve aged about 27 years since they first started filming.  It’s almost like I’m looking at the Jersey Shore Muppet Babies.  Snooki, of course, would be “Animal.”
• We kick things off, as expected by Snooki packing from her parents home to go to the Jersey Shore (b*tch!).  This includes her Aquanetting the ever-loving-crap out of her freakin’ poof, followed by her typical self-spray-tan.  She actually just spray tans her face and the top half of her boobs with her clothes on.  Her cleavage must smell like the inside of a shower drain.  After putting on some spiked high heels and grabbing her stuffed animal alligator she is ready to troll into her BMW and head on out to the shore.  Snooki should call her BMW “America’s Car” since we basically all gave it to her.  I am definitely writing it off on my taxes this year.  You’re welcome.
• If you ever wanted to see what Teresa Guidice’s daughter Milania is going to look like in about 10 years your prayers have been answered.  During her 1 on 1 interview, Snooki is literally orange, with a large orange headband strapped across her forehead, with her boobs up to her chin(s), all whilst sporting an orange tiger-print tight shirt.  In the words of Milania “fabulous!“  The only thing missing from her 1 on 1 interview was Snooki finishing her sentences with “It’s Gggggreat!”
• Oh sweet Jesus they’re multiplying!  Snooki picks up the new roommate/her best friend Deena.  Where to begin?  First off, Deena and Snooki are the same height and have the same exact voice.  Looking at them together is like looking into one of those funhouse mirrors.  I’m trying to figure out which is the distorted image.  The only way that I can tell Deena and Snooki apart is via Deena’s flower headband that we’ll come to see her wearing in almost every scene that she’s in.  She’s like the Minnie Mouse of our generation.
• Ronnie and Sammi SweatStains are still together after 1 year of a wonderfully pure and beautiful relationship.  That’s sweet.
• Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is back, of course, and he’s packing  up to hit the shore all while is mother (who is apparently Rhea Perlman) irons is t-shirts and jeans in the background.  I’d personally like to see more of the parents.  Perhaps a spin-off show where they just follow the parents of these kids around so we can see exactly why they are the way they all are.  It can be called something like, “I’m Responsible For All of This, America.”
• And then there’s Vinny.  Yawn.  What fun things is Vinny up to?  Ah yes.  He bought a blue shower caddy that also can double as a nice weather proof purse to bring with you to the Bingo hall.  As sad as this all is, I’m sure he’ll end up getting some shower caddy endorsement deal and will close out 2011 around $4 million.
• Ronnie and Sammi SweatStains are the first to arrive in the house in which I will now only refer to as “Pedophile Manor.”  Seriously, it’s creepy.  The entire house looks like your grandmothers front porch.  In other news, Sammi’s body looks great, but her face looks like it aged roughly 26.2 years.
• JWoww ShamWow is next to show up to Pedophile Manor and is greeted by Sammi staking claim to the top floor bedroom.   Here’s what I love about ShamWow.  As she drags her luggage up the flight of stairs she’s walking like she just finished getting gang banged by a pack of rabid skunks inside a rusty dumpster behind a 7-11…and she’s totally fine with it.  She walks like “yeah I just got f*cked by skunks…jealous?”  As a sidenote, ripped jeans went out around the time of Ashton Kutcher’s mesh-back trucker hats.  Moving on.
• When JWoww sees SweatStains standing in her room she just makes a “yuck” noise and heads back downstairs without saying a word to each other.  More importantly, can Sammi suffer from “Chronic Yeast Infection” with her shorts that high and tight?  I kinda hope so.
• Snooki and Deena show up and I already have a headache.  Deena is like a parakeet who just says the same thing that Snooki says about 1 second after she says it.  Everyone is pretty nice to Deena with the exception of Sammi who, at this point, I’m not fully sure why Sammi is here this season, besides to take a beating.  And, not for nothing, but someone tell Deena to pipe down.  She doesn’t have to yell everything that she says.  We know you’re little, but we can still hear you with you screaming it all whilst holding up a bottle of liquor.  And, she needs to pay her dues before she tells JWoww that she’s going to be her new BFF after the first 37 seconds.  I hate people like that.  It’s like, don’t get too comfortable too soon.
• Time to share your vibrators!  Deena is willing to share her vibrator with anyone who needs it and Snooki whips out her green vibrator that she calls Elmo, which is odd because, again, the vibrator is green and not red.  She should call it Oscar the Grouch since it’s Snooki’s and is already used to being inside a trash can.  Hey-oh!
• Grandpa Situation is back at Pedophile Manor and has already taken a liking to Deena.  Seriously, she looks like Snooki’s mother so it’s only fitting that there would be a love connection with Grandpa Sitch.
• The whole gang sits around the table to get to know Deena and we get to learn a lot about her like she’s a dental assistant (the official career of 20-something single girls in Jersey), she’s single and ready to mingle, she’s a party in a glass, and she’s a walking holiday.  Someone needs to tell Deena that she can stop talking in soundbites from her audition tape for “Parental Control.”
• Grandpa Situation says that if Deena was, in fact, a walking holiday she’d be  Thanksgiving because “she’s got a lot to give and she’s down for a lot of stuffing.”  I think he’s dead on, except that he forgot to mention that “and her ass jiggles like cranberry sauce out of the can…and speaking of cans she also takes it in one.”  I mean, come on, it’s Thanksgiving references…it’s like the jokes write themselves, Sitch!
• Since it’s the first night at the house it only makes sense that Sammi and Ronnie would spend the night sitting on their beds and being miserable.  Why are they on this show?  The rest of the gang are playing flip-cup, drinking out of black keg cups, and hanging out in the hot tub.  Snooki, for some inexplicable reason, is wearing the same one piece rubber bathing suit that Mariah Carey wore in her “Honey” video whilst she was riding on a jetski.  And “yes” I did just sucker-punch myself in the ding-a-ling for knowing that, thinking that, and writing that.
• Vinny may have his wandering lazy eye on Deena (who may have a chandelier hanging from her belly button – yuck) while in the hot tub.  Snooki is very upset over this as she faux-likes Vinny and claims if Vinny hooks up with Deena then she is “done ties with Vinny. Done ties.”  Done ties?  I predict “done ties” will be the new DTF.  As a sidenote, Vinny, Snooki, and Deena in the hot tub are all the ingredients for your traditional douche-stew.  Just add a pinch of Grandpa Sitch’s salty face for flavoring or have JWoww dunk her chooch in there while the stew simmers for an added bite.  Ole!
• The More You Know:  We learn that Vinny had sex with Snooki’s friend Ryder (from last season) a couple of weeks ago.  Wait.  What?  That’s whorrific!  And he did that all while the cameras weren’t rolling?  So he basically just banged her because he wanted to?  I’m going to need a minute to process all that.
• As the night starts to settle down Deena is 3 sheets to the wind and wants Grandpa Situation to help her find her hat.  He goes to help her because I’m pretty sure “help me find my hat” is now code for “I’m ready to do sex and junk.”  Once Deena finds her cowboy hat she puts it on, lifts up her shirt to show her bikini top and then, for reasons and explanations that I can’t get my mind around, she pulls down her bikini bottoms (on camera) and shows him her vagina.  Seriously, what?  She’s like, “So.  This is my vagina.”  I’m pretty sure since she showed her vag on the first night I can officially nickname Deena “VaDeena.”  Me gusta.
• VaDeena.
• Later, VaDeena follows Grandpa up to his bedroom where he’s telling Sammi and Ronnie (who are still on this show) about VaDeena showing her vaginastein.  Sammi ends up laughing at her and this pisses VaDeena off so she tells her that now she has a problem with her and no one in the house likes her.  On her way downstairs she calls Sammi the c-word and I’m certainly not talking about “classy” or “clean” or “caring” or “kind.”  Oh, wait.  Not that last one.
• As VaDeena talks crap about Sammi and Ronnie from down in the kitchen, Ronnie begins his first act of roid-rage this season and comes running down the stairs to scream at her and telling her that she can talk when he’s done talking because that’s the way it works.  His head is literally bouncing up and down while he’s yelling this.  VaDeena had no comeback to that.  If he was yelling at me like that and telling me that I couldn’t talk until he was done I would have asked him if he would be providing me sub-titles because I have no idea what he’s talking about.  Then I would have called and reserved myself an ambulance because he would, most likely, beat the bag out of me way worse than Amber could ever beat Gary.
• VaDeena continues to scream at Sammi and everyone literally stands in a semi-circle around them and is just smiling.  Like, this is completely normal for these people.  At one point I’m pretty sure I even saw JWoww trying to “find the light” so that she’d look good in the background and her tan would really pop on camera.
• Snooki (surprisingly calm) comes to VaDeena’s defense because (in her words) she will “attack you like a squirrel monkey.”  Uh, I thought a squirrel monkey was what was living on top of Snooki’s head, no?  Maybe I was unclear.
• Snooki softly continually calls Sammi a b*tch and then she does my favorite thing that people do.  She adds the word “ass” smack dab in the middle of the insult as in: “You’re a b*tch.  You’re the biggest b*tch.  You are a slutty-ass b*tch.”  Bravo!
• In the end Snooki makes up a story that Ronnie’s mom calls Snooki every day asking her why Ronnie is with such a boring-ass b*tch.  Awesome.  And then JWoww gets involved and the physical altercation begins.  Hooray!  Booooo, however, that it was the last 3 seconds of the episode.  Sammi takes a swing at JWoww’s facia bruta and JWoww has the best/worst dodge reflex ever…and then she starts punching.  At one point they’re just covering each others mouths, but still it’s entertaining to watch.

Well folks this is the first of many.  VaDeena may not be the worst thing but I’m still on the fence.  I really only want one Snooki in my life.  I’m just not sure if there’s room for two.  Only time will tell.  Well, time and alcohol.  Per usual.

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