16 and Pregnant: You Bring the Rumble, I’ll Provide the Jungle

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Like Santa dropping your branded new ten-speed down the chimney, the “Rumble in the Jungle” crapisode is finally here!  I’m so grateful that this 17 year old got herself “knocked with child” because it really makes my Tuesday nights a lot more interesting.  So let’s all practice the rhythm is a dancer method and see what went down last night on “My Fetus is Totally Ruining My Super Sweet Sixteen.”

  • As you know, Christina is 17 years old and found herself pregnant one day.  This is what her mother gets for uprooting her from Rochester, NY and driving her arse to Alabama for her junior year of high school.  You want to move to Alabama?  Good.  But get used to a human growing inside of you.  There, I said it.
  • Isaiah is her boyfriend and the “star” of the football team, just like Dougie Goodwin was to Marsha Brady.  He has won himself a college scholarship but, you guessed it, he’s not sure what he’s going to do because some chick who was just dropped off 8-months ago in Alabama tricked him into having a baby (fine I made that last part up, but I think it’s fun to place total blame on one person).
  • Christina and Isaiah are having their friends over from the football team so they can all sit around and laugh about how Christina is pregnant and how she didn’t even know it whilst she was attending her Prom.  So, uh, how the hell old are these guys on his high-school football team?  I’m guessing mid to late twenties.  Makes sense.  And now, most importantly, who is that one random white chick sitting on the couch?  Can I please hear her speak?  Stat!
  • Isaiah decides to give up his football scholarship to stay home with Christina and he ends up getting a job.  Gulp.  At. A. Sandwich.  Shop.  Slice it thin, Isaiah because I feel like I heard a wise woman once say that there is going to be a rumble and, you know what, it’s going to be in the jungle.
  • Here’s why I love love love (me gusta, me gusta, me gusta) Isaiah’s family.  First, his mom looks like she’s about 30.  Second, his grandmother looks like she might be pushing about 44.  And, to top things off she has those long fake nails that those zany Asian women make for you during the day (and then at night go off and do $2 dollar sucky-sucky).  Oh, and the grandmother will only talk to Christina through Isaiah like he’s a psychic medium and Christina is dead.  Rumble! Rumble! Rumble!
  • As if it couldn’t get worse, Grammy Rumble is telling Grandson Jungle that the baby might not even be his and not only is he stuck in the house, but he “brought someone home with him.”  Please, sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary, let this chick and the grandmother get cast in the new season of Teen Mom.  Please?  Picture it: Christina, the Grammy Rumble, Butch, and April all move into Section 8 housing and foreclosure and try to survive in the deep south.  Are you listening MTV?  Are you?
  • Time for the baby shower!  This is usually my favorite because it consists of the party-goers wearing jogging pants, but this time it’s different and, plus, I see a fancy red leather chair…and not that “puffy leather” that most of “the poors” on Teen Mom have, I’m talking nice leather.  I think it’s called “genuine.”  I just checked.  It is.  The shower was a let down (with the exception of her one friend “Marissa” who was pretty hot and will most likely get banged by The Situation at the 2011 MTV Music Awards) but the silver lining (I always find one) is that we learn that she’s having a girl and she’s naming her…wait for it…wait for it….Destiny.  Thank you!  Ding!  I think I’m going to call her “Bugaboo” for short.  I have a feeling she’s going to make me want to put her number on the call block, tell AOL to make the emails stop.  Oh references!  How I love thee.
  • Christina and Isaiah head out to look for some suitable apartments.  One apartment that they’re interested in is about $515 per month and Isaiah only makes $900 slicing American cheese sliced thin so that’s not going to leave them with money for extra things each month like food, health insurance and, you know, new pipes for his car.  They do find an apartment they love but their credit check gets declined.  Does the rumble in the jungle start now or does it start later? I’m getting antsy.
  • In the “Random Thought of the Crapisode” Moment:  Whilst at the library looking through pregnancy and parenting books, Christina’s friend wants to know if she plans on circumcising her daughter.  Future of America, ladies and gentlemen. Future. Of. America.
  • Later Christina heads out to some strip-mall to learn how to breastfeed and she ends up getting to dig through something called  “the bra box” where she can pick out two bras to bring home for free.  What luck!  It’s like a piñata for pregnant teens! Ole!
  • I’m sorry I’m still waiting for the Rumble in the Jungle and it’s pissing me off a little that it hasn’t happened yet.  Therefore we’re stuck watching Christina get all upset over the fact that Isaiah spent all of this extra money for the month on two speakers for his car, that I’m pretty sure is actually my 1st grade nuns mode of transportation.  They should take out their anger on each other by having unprotected sex.  What’s the worst that can happen?  She’s can’t get twins from that, right?  Right??
  • Anycrap, they finally end up finding an apartment and they’re renting it from a realtor who is wearing a hooded sweatshirt and doesn’t require a credit check.  What could go wrong? Is it just me or does the inside of the place kinda look like Farrah’s old place?  I miss her.  Maybe it’s just wishful thinking? (I’m doing the “ugly cry” in her honor right now)
  • Time for the 16 & Pregnant Weekly Buzzword:  Pitocin!  For those of you playing along at home right now, drink!
  • After 20 hours of labor and pushing and getting coached by that nurse who looked about 11 yrs old, it was time for the dreaded, yet expected, c-section.  I know exactly how she feels.  I was constipated once.  So, yeah, I get it.   It hurts to push.  Get over it (insert sidewards winky face here ______)
  • The baby is finally here.  Hooray!  I guess.  How come when I look at her she makes me want to tell MCI to cut the phone poles?  Moving on.
  • The baby starts crying like nobodies business all through the night.  Now I can barely take care of myself, let alone an infant, but aren’t you never supposed to put a newborn in the bed with you?  Isn’t that like a known rule?  You know, stop drop and roll?  Or, starve a fever, feed a cold? And, never let a newborn sleep in the bed with you?  I’d call DSS right now, but my endless calls to DSS about Amber, Leah, and Gary have somehow placed me on a “do not answer” list.
  • Meanwhile Isaiah is spending a lot of time watching  his old football games like he’s Al Bundy playing for Polk High.  He misses football and not taking that scholarship.  This, my friends, is the moment we’ve all been waiting for.  If we’ve learned nothing from reality TV over the course of the past 5 years we know that to solve all of life’s dilemmas all you need to do is “take a DNA test.”  Isaiah’s family is helping him make the decision to be there for the baby, but not necessarily for Christina and then Grammy Rumble chimes in to take a DNA because, she says, “If the baby ain’t yours…there’s gonna be some rumble in the jungle!”  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!
  • Anyway, for $39.99, according to his mom, you can get a DNA test at the drugstore and get your answers right away.  I’m sorry, who in the hell knows the prices of a home DNA kit off the top of their head?  Somewhere in the distance I can almost hear NeNe saying “We gonna take a DNA, that’s what we gonna do!”  I love all these shows.  My life is like f*ckin’ Christmas.
  • Christina comes over for dinner (same exact dinner as in the show opener but with french fries instead of mashed potatoes…just sayin) and they bring up the DNA test.  She claims that Isaiah is the only person she’s ever had sex with and Grammy Rumble responds to that by saying, “well what is it that you mean by sex” to which Christina gives us the graphic details of the ins and outs of “the sex.” Awesome.  This show is so educational on many levels.  For example, prior to this I wasn’t aware that you could technically have a rumble whilst in the jungle.  See?  You learn stuff here!
  • Isaiah finally agrees to taking the DNA test at dinner and Grammy Rumble jumps up and pulls out a DNA kit from the other room like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat.  Ole!  When Christina sees this she peaces out with the baby and the rumble in the jungle never fully takes place.  Close enough though.
  • In the end, Christina and Isaiah make up, but both agree that their lives will be hard until they’re 60 years old.  Well that’s a nice note to leave off on.

I had to admit I really liked this episode and I think that Christina and Isaiah will be good parents.  They both actually seem pretty smart (minus math and minus how to have safe sex) so I’m sure they’ll be fine.  Also, who cares.  Also, I think the recipe for a successful episode of 16 & Prego is that you have to have a cast of characters in your family.  It’s a must.  The crazier the better.  What would Tyler and Catelynn be without Butch and April?  Just good kids.  That’s all.  See how that works?

Programming note:  I’ve just realized that I’ve misspelled both of their names the whole time.  Apparently it’s “Christinna” and “Isiah.”  It would actually be easier for me if they would march down to City Hall and change their names to “Christina” and “Isaiah” than it would for me to go back and fix all my errors.  Also, the first person to b*tch about how I missed last weeks 16 & Pregnant, I’ll shut this blog right down and take a sh*t in your Christmas stocking.  Happy Whoridays!

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Comments

  1. I really, really wanted to hear more about her friend “Chasity” (sans T).

    Best. Alabama. Name. Ever.

  2. Just wanted to point out that co-sleeping with an infant is a pretty common practice nowadays and in other countries and , if done safely, is very beneficial and convenient for a breastfeeding mother. However, I don’t think it was done safely by Christinna. The baby was very close to the edge of the bed and there were big comforters and blankets.

  3. I’ll never ever understand why people get those freaky nails. As with any fashion accessory I have to assume that they think it’s somehow sexy but for the life of me I can’t figure out why.

    This is definitely one episode where I hope the kids parents aren’t involved at all just to give the kid a chance at normalcy.

    Sacrificing his scholarship was probably the right thing to do for the child but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still suck. And in the long run it probably would’ve been better if he did go to school, more of an investment in his child’s future than working at a sandwich shop till she’s 18.

    P.s. I want to see a picture of Patrick Varone ugly crying

  4. Why didn’t she go home with her mom? She will end up there anyways.

  5. Without pointing out how short-sighted it was of the chilruns to forego said college education to better provide for the baby. . . wait, no I did actually do want to point that out. Specifically.

  6. Keenabeena says:

    I actually liked this episode. What’s up with the spelling of his name?
    What was going on with his sisters mustache? Am I the only one who was mesmorized?

  7. not to hate, but why no aubrey update last week???

  8. Christinna
    Isiah
    Chasity

    Apparently the parents of these dipshits didn’t pass elementary school because their names are effed up.

  9. i don’t know why, but i thought he should have taken the scholarship and gone to school. i also thought the rumble in the jungle part turned out to be a bit underwhelming. they could have added some dramatic music or had NeNe pop out and scream, “we’re gonna take a DNA! Plonk!”

  10. …you would almost expect the baby’s name to be “Dez’dyne”

  11. I’m loving Grammy’s hooker nails.

  12. Can you imagine trying to text w/ those nails?

  13. You are such a funny slizo.

  14. There was once a psychiatrist I worked with who swore that if he had a client come in with a common name yet spelled with a “fresh twist” such as, Christinna or Isiah, he could always pretty much bet that it was going to be a difficult case and that the family would be the root of the problem. Ever since I was told this I have tracked it in my head and he is SOO right!

  15. You know, I have to take offense to the whole “pushing is hard, so I’m going to get a c-section because I’m lazy” implication. I went through the same thing with my daughter, but my anatomy made it impossible for her birth to progress naturally. I fought hard against a c-section, like Christinna, but in the end, it had to be done. Normally the stuff you write is funny, but that was uninformed and in poor taste.

  16. 20somethingMom says:

    I effin love you!! Your recaps make my week, that’s why I was a lil disappointed last week, but I won’t go there.

  17. Christine says:

    How did you not comment on how when Isiah’s friend pulled up his car said “CUTLASS” in huge letters….i died…

  18. Best Crapisode to date. Seriously pissed off though I had to watch so much of it before the Rumble in the Jungle.
    Also sad there was no said, Rumble.

  19. Geez, Dana, this is a comedy site…Wow!!

  20. BEST. EVER.

    Now I need a cigarette.

    Ahhhh.

  21. Dana! Let’s never fight like this again. The joke was about me “pretending to think” it was easy…that’s why I add the “insert sidewards winky face” comment after it. It would be like it I said I stubbed my toe so I know what child birth was like.

    Let’s be friends again.

    -IBBB

  22. Okay, you’re forgiven. ;) I couldn’t stay mad at you for long anyway!

  23. Christinna and Isiah broke up, fyi.

  24. Why are all of these girls getting married this season. My Lord…you are too young!!!

  25. I saw on her formspring not to long ago that they’re separated now, and as soon as they can afford it they’re getting a divorce.

  26. Okay, you all are going to think I’m stupid, but I LOVE these blogs and read them every week (suffice it to say i have no life).

    My real point was to say I don’t understand this part: “I have a feeling she’s going to make me want to put her number on the call block, tell AOL to make the emails stop. Oh references! How I love thee.”

    Can someone help me out here? AOL ? Call block? I give you all permission to call me a retard.

    Thanks! lol

  27. Beth Anne says:

    Love it!! Wish they would have done the DNA test though and said “you are NOT the father” all Maury-style then there would have been some “rumble in the jungle”
    ITA that the family makes the show!!!!

  28. Chelsea OMG!!!! I figured it out. The baby is called Destiny and he said he would call the baby Bug a Boo which is a song from Destiny’s Child. The lines you mention are lyrics to the song Bug A Boo!!!! LMAO. I <3 IMBBB!!!!

  29. yeah you have to watch last weeks…you missed the he/she…i really wanted to read your thoughts on that :)

  30. When Isiah’s grandma asked how Christinna defined sex, Christinna used the words”penis” and “vagina”, which MTV bleeped out. WTF, are you kidding me? It’s a show about teen pregnancy, presumably to promote prevention, and the words penis and vagina are deemed too vulgar? FAIL

  31. Patrick – you have done me WRONG by not blogging about Aubrey from last week.

  32. I heart IBBB says:

    TMZ is reporting that the family is threating to sue:

    Kathleen Green — the grandmother of baby daddy Isiah — tells TMZ the network “defamed” her family because “nothing that aired is what happened” in real life. Kathleen tells us MTV set up shots and heavily edited footage in the episode — which revolves around Isiah, his baby mama Christinna and the birth of their daughter Destiny.

    Kathleen says she’s particularly upset with a scene involving a DNA test she bought for Christinna — claiming she came off as a cold-hearted bitch because MTV left out one key detail — “They didn’t show that [Christinna] had told us she had had sex with some other guy.”

    Now, Green says her family wants to sue the network for defamation. Calls to MTV have not been returned.
    ——————————————————————-

    I guess the family is making sure they get scholorship money one way or the other….And this completely contradicts what Christinne said during the DNA part – that he was the only person who had put his “penis” in her “vagina”.

  33. I had just about the worst day ever on Tuesday, so to come home and see this was great. It made me realize that I am not working in a sandwich shop, I don’t have a baby, and my grandmother would never use the phrase “rumble in the jungle” so you know what, my life isn’t all that bad.

    To be honest though, can’t say I blame his family for disliking her. If my son had a football scholarship and then some girl moves from NY and gets pregnant, I’d be pissed too. Obvs it’s his fault too, just saying. I might rumble.

  34. I love this site and I read it after every 16 & Pregnant. Joanna…I don’t think I’d rumble though. I think I’d send my son off to college and let the girl move in with me and help her out with the baby. That way I get to see my grandchild (not having anything to do with her means losing my grandchild!) and my son would still get to make his way in college and in the end be able to provide better for his child and wife. Also it could probably be wroked out so that she could attend a local college while living with me and so they would be better off in the end. The fact that they didn’t want him to be there for his WIFE is a little stupid. They’re females and they want their son/grandson to treat his wife and baby mama like shit. This family is really dumb.

  35. Oh also, I would want them to try and work it out since they are married, and because I wouldn’t want my son to be one of those men who end up with 6 different babies by 6 different girls. SO since they went off and got married and made the decision to be together already, why not help them out and hope things work out in the end?

  36. Granny RUMBLE is trying to start shit in the MTV jungle.
    Maybe this time she won’t let us down.

  37. Little Suzy says:

    All I want for Xmas is IBBB poo in my stocking…

  38. Rhythm is a dancer method!!! Love it, I have to try it!

  39. I love it when granny rumble said “well what do you mean by sex” like how else would you get knocked up? Eating it? Geesh granny…Isaiah put that rumble in tha jungle and that is all she wrote..good night..

  40. THANK YOU SHANNON! I get it now!!

  41. The Other Jessica says:

    Chelsea – That’s a Destinys Child lyric from the song “Bugaboo” circa 1999 or therabouts. Damn, I’m old.

  42. Your recaps are insanely hysterical. Loved the nun comment about his ride – I just knew you’d be crackin on that. Next weeks preview looks like MTV found some families living in the ‘Deliverance’ area of the country. Can’t wait!

  43. You make some witty comments about stuff I didn’t really notice. Wondering why you hopped over the obvious one about Granny Rumble not knowing how to read? Didn’t she say something like “I can’t read it” when she dropped the DNA test? Maybe she was just missing her glasses.

    Side note:If these people WEREN’T real I would find this much funnier. Unfortunately, it is a REAL hot mess and REAL people are going through it

  44. Well I don’t know if any of you follow any of these girls on their facebooks, formspring, ect but I was recently checking out Christina’s and apparently Isaiah hit her in the face and she ended up having to get surgery to repair her occipital floor in her eye after she confronted him about cheating I guess that’s how the story goes. Either way I give her props for getting the fck up out of that situation and his ass should be in jail, just sayin.

  45. Anastasia says:

    Liked most of this article but I just had to say something about it: Co sleeping is actually very healthy. No, it’s not recommended. Especially if you are a heavy sleeper, but co sleeping has been shown to have a good effect on mother and child. Plus it makes breast feeding during the night time an ease.

  46. Isiah? Can’t people spell any more?E
    Where’s the missing “A”???
    It makes me chuckle when parents name their child, then spell it weird so no one can pronounce it. Had I not seen that show, I’d be calling him Eye-sigh-ah. Go figure.

  47. Seriously, no recap on Aubrey’s episode? I know it was Thanksgiving week but a good recapper never misses an episode! My life will be empty until I see an Aubrey recap… :-(

    I, like Meghan, also noticed in this episode where Granny said “I can’t read it”. I definitely assumed she meant she was illiterate, not just missing her glasses.

  48. I love this ! LMBO

  49. I actually live in the same town that these kids do and find it so amusing how they can make our city look so country and broken down. We have the Space and Rocket Center along with the Redstone Arsenal which houses NASA. We have more rocket scientists and engineers than most other cities but MTV decided to portray the city by showing strip malls and BBQ joints. Nice.

    One thing that was really odd was that Isiah gave up his football scholarship. However, when his sister came to visit she said that they should both be at A&M with her. Ok, Alabama A&M is IN Huntsville. So if he got a scholarship to a college about 10 minutes away, why did he give it up? Because he had to work? Umm, you can still work and go to school. I don’t get it.

  50. so muchfor the good parents stuff.

    He beat her. She called the cops and pressed charges. She lives back in NY now and says Isaih hasnt attempted to see Destiny since. Awesome!