Like Santa dropping your branded new ten-speed down the chimney, the “Rumble in the Jungle” crapisode is finally here! I’m so grateful that this 17 year old got herself “knocked with child” because it really makes my Tuesday nights a lot more interesting. So let’s all practice the rhythm is a dancer method and see what went down last night on “My Fetus is Totally Ruining My Super Sweet Sixteen.”
- As you know, Christina is 17 years old and found herself pregnant one day. This is what her mother gets for uprooting her from Rochester, NY and driving her arse to Alabama for her junior year of high school. You want to move to Alabama? Good. But get used to a human growing inside of you. There, I said it.
- Isaiah is her boyfriend and the “star” of the football team, just like Dougie Goodwin was to Marsha Brady. He has won himself a college scholarship but, you guessed it, he’s not sure what he’s going to do because some chick who was just dropped off 8-months ago in Alabama tricked him into having a baby (fine I made that last part up, but I think it’s fun to place total blame on one person).
- Christina and Isaiah are having their friends over from the football team so they can all sit around and laugh about how Christina is pregnant and how she didn’t even know it whilst she was attending her Prom. So, uh, how the hell old are these guys on his high-school football team? I’m guessing mid to late twenties. Makes sense. And now, most importantly, who is that one random white chick sitting on the couch? Can I please hear her speak? Stat!
- Isaiah decides to give up his football scholarship to stay home with Christina and he ends up getting a job. Gulp. At. A. Sandwich. Shop. Slice it thin, Isaiah because I feel like I heard a wise woman once say that there is going to be a rumble and, you know what, it’s going to be in the jungle.
- Here’s why I love love love (me gusta, me gusta, me gusta) Isaiah’s family. First, his mom looks like she’s about 30. Second, his grandmother looks like she might be pushing about 44. And, to top things off she has those long fake nails that those zany Asian women make for you during the day (and then at night go off and do $2 dollar sucky-sucky). Oh, and the grandmother will only talk to Christina through Isaiah like he’s a psychic medium and Christina is dead. Rumble! Rumble! Rumble!
- As if it couldn’t get worse, Grammy Rumble is telling Grandson Jungle that the baby might not even be his and not only is he stuck in the house, but he “brought someone home with him.” Please, sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary, let this chick and the grandmother get cast in the new season of Teen Mom. Please? Picture it: Christina, the Grammy Rumble, Butch, and April all move into Section 8 housing and foreclosure and try to survive in the deep south. Are you listening MTV? Are you?
- Time for the baby shower! This is usually my favorite because it consists of the party-goers wearing jogging pants, but this time it’s different and, plus, I see a fancy red leather chair…and not that “puffy leather” that most of “the poors” on Teen Mom have, I’m talking nice leather. I think it’s called “genuine.” I just checked. It is. The shower was a let down (with the exception of her one friend “Marissa” who was pretty hot and will most likely get banged by The Situation at the 2011 MTV Music Awards) but the silver lining (I always find one) is that we learn that she’s having a girl and she’s naming her…wait for it…wait for it….Destiny. Thank you! Ding! I think I’m going to call her “Bugaboo” for short. I have a feeling she’s going to make me want to put her number on the call block, tell AOL to make the emails stop. Oh references! How I love thee.
- Christina and Isaiah head out to look for some suitable apartments. One apartment that they’re interested in is about $515 per month and Isaiah only makes $900 slicing American cheese sliced thin so that’s not going to leave them with money for extra things each month like food, health insurance and, you know, new pipes for his car. They do find an apartment they love but their credit check gets declined. Does the rumble in the jungle start now or does it start later? I’m getting antsy.
- In the “Random Thought of the Crapisode” Moment: Whilst at the library looking through pregnancy and parenting books, Christina’s friend wants to know if she plans on circumcising her daughter. Future of America, ladies and gentlemen. Future. Of. America.
- Later Christina heads out to some strip-mall to learn how to breastfeed and she ends up getting to dig through something called “the bra box” where she can pick out two bras to bring home for free. What luck! It’s like a piñata for pregnant teens! Ole!
- I’m sorry I’m still waiting for the Rumble in the Jungle and it’s pissing me off a little that it hasn’t happened yet. Therefore we’re stuck watching Christina get all upset over the fact that Isaiah spent all of this extra money for the month on two speakers for his car, that I’m pretty sure is actually my 1st grade nuns mode of transportation. They should take out their anger on each other by having unprotected sex. What’s the worst that can happen? She’s can’t get twins from that, right? Right??
- Anycrap, they finally end up finding an apartment and they’re renting it from a realtor who is wearing a hooded sweatshirt and doesn’t require a credit check. What could go wrong? Is it just me or does the inside of the place kinda look like Farrah’s old place? I miss her. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking? (I’m doing the “ugly cry” in her honor right now)
- Time for the 16 & Pregnant Weekly Buzzword: Pitocin! For those of you playing along at home right now, drink!
- After 20 hours of labor and pushing and getting coached by that nurse who looked about 11 yrs old, it was time for the dreaded, yet expected, c-section. I know exactly how she feels. I was constipated once. So, yeah, I get it. It hurts to push. Get over it (insert sidewards winky face here ______)
- The baby is finally here. Hooray! I guess. How come when I look at her she makes me want to tell MCI to cut the phone poles? Moving on.
- The baby starts crying like nobodies business all through the night. Now I can barely take care of myself, let alone an infant, but aren’t you never supposed to put a newborn in the bed with you? Isn’t that like a known rule? You know, stop drop and roll? Or, starve a fever, feed a cold? And, never let a newborn sleep in the bed with you? I’d call DSS right now, but my endless calls to DSS about Amber, Leah, and Gary have somehow placed me on a “do not answer” list.
- Meanwhile Isaiah is spending a lot of time watching his old football games like he’s Al Bundy playing for Polk High. He misses football and not taking that scholarship. This, my friends, is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. If we’ve learned nothing from reality TV over the course of the past 5 years we know that to solve all of life’s dilemmas all you need to do is “take a DNA test.” Isaiah’s family is helping him make the decision to be there for the baby, but not necessarily for Christina and then Grammy Rumble chimes in to take a DNA because, she says, “If the baby ain’t yours…there’s gonna be some rumble in the jungle!” Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!
- Anyway, for $39.99, according to his mom, you can get a DNA test at the drugstore and get your answers right away. I’m sorry, who in the hell knows the prices of a home DNA kit off the top of their head? Somewhere in the distance I can almost hear NeNe saying “We gonna take a DNA, that’s what we gonna do!” I love all these shows. My life is like f*ckin’ Christmas.
- Christina comes over for dinner (same exact dinner as in the show opener but with french fries instead of mashed potatoes…just sayin) and they bring up the DNA test. She claims that Isaiah is the only person she’s ever had sex with and Grammy Rumble responds to that by saying, “well what is it that you mean by sex” to which Christina gives us the graphic details of the ins and outs of “the sex.” Awesome. This show is so educational on many levels. For example, prior to this I wasn’t aware that you could technically have a rumble whilst in the jungle. See? You learn stuff here!
- Isaiah finally agrees to taking the DNA test at dinner and Grammy Rumble jumps up and pulls out a DNA kit from the other room like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat. Ole! When Christina sees this she peaces out with the baby and the rumble in the jungle never fully takes place. Close enough though.
- In the end, Christina and Isaiah make up, but both agree that their lives will be hard until they’re 60 years old. Well that’s a nice note to leave off on.
I had to admit I really liked this episode and I think that Christina and Isaiah will be good parents. They both actually seem pretty smart (minus math and minus how to have safe sex) so I’m sure they’ll be fine. Also, who cares. Also, I think the recipe for a successful episode of 16 & Prego is that you have to have a cast of characters in your family. It’s a must. The crazier the better. What would Tyler and Catelynn be without Butch and April? Just good kids. That’s all. See how that works?
Programming note: I’ve just realized that I’ve misspelled both of their names the whole time. Apparently it’s “Christinna” and “Isiah.” It would actually be easier for me if they would march down to City Hall and change their names to “Christina” and “Isaiah” than it would for me to go back and fix all my errors. Also, the first person to b*tch about how I missed last weeks 16 & Pregnant, I’ll shut this blog right down and take a sh*t in your Christmas stocking. Happy Whoridays!