It’s time for another touching episode of “I Just Finished My Quinceanera, Haven’t Had My Period in 9-Months, and What is This Falling Out of My Vag?” Catchy title. I like it, I’m committing to it and I hope you do to. I thought this was going to be the “Some rumble in the jungle” crapisode, but apparently it wasn’t. Anydialted, here’s what went down last night”
- Markai is a, you guessed it, 16 year old girl who’s found herself “with child” thanks to her boyfriend, James, who I’m still trying to figure out. According to Markai, James is a “white dude with dreads.” Thank God she said it so that I didn’t have to. More importantly, James will now only be referred to on this here blog as “Big Mountain.” Applause to those of you who are on the same page as me.
- Markai’s mom, Sarina, is a no-nonsense mom who was a teen mom herself and is grilling Markai and Big Mountain about how they go pregnant in the first place. Big Mountain admits that they never used condoms because “condoms be all in the way.” Yes, they do be. However, you want to know what else “be in the way?” A baby.
- Big Mountain thinks the baby is going to love them whether they give it all the gold and jewels in the world or not. I’m guessing they’ll be focusing more on the “or not” part.
- They’re giving Big Mountain subtitles, but only some of the time. The rest of it is like Mad Libs for me. I’m like did he just say, “I’m mature when I POOP because the baby means the BOOBIES to me. I’ll always be with DINKY and we’ll never break up or go to bed FARTING”
- How come they didn’t discuss more of his fear of spiders, like how they need to check the park benches for spiders and how spiders are ending up in his hair?
- “I’m gonna take care of mine.” Did they get that quote from their “Quote of the Day Ricki Lake Calendar?” Because they’re all using it a lot. Go Ricky! Go Ricky! Go Ricky! Go Ricky! I miss her.
- Markai’s mom gives them a talking to about how she doesn’t want Big Mountain to come to the house any more empty handed. Speaking of “handed” whats up with his crazy long coke-nails? Gross. It’s worse than Regis. The mom has a point though and while she keeps saying her daughter is breaking her heart at least she’s being real about this. I like her. Me gusta Sarina. I keep waiting for a rumble in the jungle but, alas, nothing.
- Does Big Mountain kind of talk like Grandpa Situation? I can’t keep a static thought at this point. Cabs are heeeeah!
- Wait. Stop the press. Markai has become what the doctors call “a spitter” in which she has to spit into a Pringles container every 2 minutes. I’m sorry. I’m sorry what? Maybe if she just stuck to “spitting” she wouldn’t be in this mess. Also who has an abundance of Pringles containers laying around the house? I see red, I see green, I see blue. I see dead people, but that’s another story for another time. Also, she likes to eat soap. Her doctor says it’s normal because it has to do with your blood levels dropping so she’s writing a prescription for her. Um, I feel the need to drink endless beers and eat a ton of chicken sandwiches. Call me in at Walgreens? Thanks.
- This poor couple. First, the crib breaks…then he can’t get job at Dairy Queen or Burlington Coat Factory…and then the car breaks down. You know who I feel the worst for? The baby. I’m kidding. I feel the worst for me because I’m forced to read sub-titles in almost every scene and I know I’m totally missing trashy chachkes (see: knick-knacks) in the background.
- Are there more pencil drawings in this episode than normal? Discuss.
- Later, Markai finds out that she can’t take her veterinary classes at school because when you’re pregnant apparently a rhino can eat your baby. Who knew?
- Time for the baby shower! Well I guess a t-shirt and jean shorts it is! Why dress up for the cameras? Big Mountain heads outside with his friends so they can all complain about how adults don’t understand how hard it is to get a job….at Dairy Queen….or Burlington Coat Factory. Yeah it is tough. You know what may help? Pick up your pants and don’t walk into the store with an MTV camera crew. Both things scare people off. Ugh, it’s like his pants are on the ground, pants are on the ground…lookin’ like a fool with his pants on the ground. Someone should write a song about that. Sweet Sixteeeeeeen!
- Later, Big Mountain has been spending time on Myspace and is ex is trying to get back with him. Markai finds out about this and they get into a fight about it until Markai takes her Pringles Spit Can and leaves the kitchen. More importantly, who the hell is left on Myspace besides pedophiles and web-cam girls? Myspace is like the strip-mall of the Social Networking world.
- I’m really into this medical condition of “spitting into a Pringles can.” I feel like A&E needs a reality show about it. It should come on directly after Hoarders. You’re welcome.
- Seriously, half of this episode is pencil drawings? What the F?
- It’s birthin’ babies day! 4 hours into labor she’s puking. Is this normal? I didn’t know that happened. I knew you did Shasta McNasty all over the place, but didn’t know you puked. But, she pushed through (see what I did there?) and ended up giving birth to Lil Mountain.
- After a few days in el hospital, she heads home. Her mother won’t let Big Mountain stay there and kicks him out at night. She ends up calling her dad for help (who is a whole other story) but in the end her mom changes her mind and lets him stay in the living room while he looks for work. However, the happiness is short lived when Markai had to spend all her money on a new car. Well that sucks. She should sell her breast milk for money on Craiglist…just saying. Or, I’m sure Farrah could have give her a few tips on how to get some great car deals online!
- Markai heads back to school and Big Mountain’s ex tells Markai that he cheated on her and they didn’t use a condom. Yum! We learn all this though a pencil-sketch of some stock market graph.
- Markai is all freaking out and she and her sister are driving home from school and she pulls over on the side of the road to scream at Big Mountain as he’s just aimlessly walking. They “break up” and she says he’ll have to fight her for custody…yeah I don’t think that will be an issue. I’m pretty sure when she walked back to her car you could hear him singing “I’ve got spurs that jingle jangle jingle” in the background.
- Later, Big Mountain and his friends are all sitting on the porch talking about how he’s changed and isn’t a ho anymore, but is still having a hard time finding a job. His friends seem to think it’s because he’s a white guy with dreads and they recommend he pull his hair back into a “Billy Cyrus-like” mullet. They all have a good laugh over this. I honestly have no idea what in the hell they are talking about as even the sub-titles aren’t making any kind of sense to me.
- Markai and Big Mountain (and the baby) are all in the car and end up getting into a fight. Once again, the discussion centers around Big Mountain’s cheating and Markai tells him that “you can’t turn a ho into a housewife.” Oh yeah? Just tell that to Kim Zolciak! Anycrap, they end up getting out of the car to bring the fight into the parking lot. There is screaming and throwing of things and then Markai starts screaming and takes a swing at him that lands directly on his face. This is all taking place while the baby just sleeps in the car…alone. Looks like we found the perfect mix of Farrah and Amber & Gary! Someone call Debra and tell her to bring her set of butcher knives and trash claw to deal with these two!
- In the end, Markai’s dad calls to pick her up and take her to brunch…he gets driven there…is he drunk? I wish I was. He apologizes for not being there for her and then they just kind of leave and she goes back to work at the supermarket. Am I on an acid trip?
- Markai and Big Mountain try their relationship again. I’m sure it will work out. It seems like it was running smoothly this whole time.
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