Get the Rumble in the Jungle Recap Here!
- Hi everyone, meet Emily. She is lucky enough to be engaged and is “likely” to be married in June, she’s wants to go to college to be a pharmacist, however she’s only 16 and, you guessed it, there’s a fetus growing on the inside of her body. What’s a girl to do?! Fill out an application and create a kick-arse audition tape and send it to MTV. There are now the normal “next steps” when you’re young and with child.
- Emily was living with her mom, but once she started suffering from fetusitis her mom kicked her out and she had to move in with her dad and switch schools since he lived so far away. It’s surprising her dad couldn’t just drive his house closer to her, but I digress and also digest.
- With Emily living so far away from her old school she claims she really misses her band friends. Wait, she was in the school marching band? So you mean to tell me kids in a marching band are having sex now? I always thought that being in a marching band was actual contraception.
- We also get to meet Emily’s dad who, let’s just say, isn’t overly psyched that his 16 years old bundle of joy has gotten herself into this situation. In fact, when he first found out she was pregnant he claims he wanted to strangle her. This got me to thinking. MTV should update this shows format where they start filming when the girls have to tell their parents. I’m thinking kind of like a Punk’d format.
- Anydialated, Emily’s dad originally wanted her to get an abortion and even Emily was thinking about it, but then she looked up “abortions” online and decided this wasn’t right for her. You want to know what I was looking up online when I was 16 years old? Nothing! The Internet didn’t exist.
- And enter Daniel, the baby daddy. Daniel may or may not be Justin Bieber and/or one of the Hanson brothers. I’ll be requesting a DNA to straighten this situation out. What I do know is that Daniel really seems to actually like Emily (unlike most of the other fathers on 16 & Prego) as he smiles a lot with his banana yellow teeth when he looks at her.
- Later, Emily gets a letter in the mail from her school informing her that if she misses more than 10 school days she’s going to get the boot…even though she currently is getting all A’s. Hmmm, maybe if she brought a gun to school, sold drugs in the hallway, and started bullying other kids her school would stop focusing on her pesky pregnancy situation?
- Anyone else notice that Emily suffers from Whitney Port Syndrome? Example: “We’re going to live together in student housinK.” I miss Whitney.
- All the parents get together to have lunch at the doo-wop diner and talk about Daniel and surprisingly not his hair. This gets really awkward, by the way. Daniel’s mom is beaming with pride by saying that he got accepted to the University of Alabama and is getting a scholarship. Emily’s dad basically responds to that by saying, “Yeah, I don’t care about that.” Huh? I is some confused please. Next thing you know his mother is saying that she’ll try to help Emily out. Help with what? Do I smell burnt toast? Am I having a stroke? Can’t Emily just say she got tricked into getting pregnant and get on Maury? At least get a free trip out of it. I mean, dream big!
- Emily’s dad is scared that Emily is going to end up not graduating and having to get a job as a cashier at the local Piggly Wiggly. Now you’re talking! I love that idea! Are there national Wiggly’s? I may want to visit them. You totally know that April and Butch are working the lottery machine at one. And, not to mention, this crap would get way more interesting if she was working at the register. Moreover, stop painting all the wood paneling throughout your house such bright colors. I can still see it’s wood paneling. I see the lines. You’re hiding nothing from me.
- Emily’s step mom had to pull her out of school because the school was not going to let her pass the semester since she would miss more than 10 days because, you know, she has to shoot a baby out of the old vag. I sure hope this increases the chances that we see the Wiggly in her future!
- Looks like Emily is going to have to get home-schooled or as she likes to pronounce it “home-schoolinK.”
- Emily ends up meeting with the home school boss (?). I’m not sure what her title is as I am hypnotized by her hair and her voice. It’s like she’s a character on Dilbert. And they’re not going to give her sub-titles? I mean, come on!
- The home school lady gives Emily all the books she needs to get started and hands over to her about 10 boxes of computer software. I hope Oregon Trail is on the curriculum!
- Well it’s show time! Emily is heading to the hospital a few days early because she’s having contractions 2 minutes apart, but she still has time to call Daniel while she stands in the living room. It’s like, time’s a factor Emily…let’s throw it in first gear.
- Emily’s mom won’t be going to the hospital and her dad is away on business. Business? He couldn’t find someone else to sell knives door-to-door the week his daughter was due?
- Daniel did make it to the hospital, however. So that’s good. He should sing Mmmm Bop to ease her pain.
- Sidenote, I’ve seen more epidurals in the last few weeks than should be allowed.
- As Emily is in labor, Daniel thinks this is the appropriate time to let her know that HE is nervous about everything. Uh, unless he plans on shooting a bowling ball out of his pee-pee hole I think it’s his best bet to calm down on the “I’m nervous” talk in front of preggo lady.
- Emily finally gives birth to a baby who looks like it was dipped in ketchup. There should be a warning if they’re going to show that…I mean, I was stuffing my fat face and almost had to spit out my sandwich. What? I eat a chicken sandwich and have a beer when I watch this show. It’s normal. Don’t judge me.
- Emily heads home a few days later with Daniel and the baby. Her dad finally gets to meet the baby and everyone cries. That’s nice. Even Daniel seems to be helping out a lot by changing the baby’s diaper and…well…that’s it as he’s leaving to head on back to his home to go to work and live. At least he can fake it for the camera. That’s something none of the other “fathers” were able to do.
- Emily’s dad doesn’t really give her the best pep talks. If my kid had a baby at 16 and then was upset that the father wasn’t around I’d say encouraging things like, “Dr. Drew says that 8 out 10 teen couples with a baby don’t survive…so start your math homework and get on Match.”
- Stress Alert. Emily is all stressed out because she’s trying to take care of the baby and do all of her school work. If she chose to be a banker from Boston, bought 3 oxen, and caulks her wooden covered wagon while she crosses the Delaware River I’m sure she’ll be fine. She just needs to sidestep Diphtheria.
- Daniel finally makes it out for a weekend trip to help with the baby. He thinks that Emily makes it sounds much harder than it actually is and he tells her this. Score. For those of you playing, “Dumb Things the Guys Say on 16 & Pregnant” Bingo at home this one is going to be a cover-all. Also, B5. B. 5. Do we have a bingo in the hall? A bingo in the hall. Daniel later also wiped the baby’s head with the towel the baby pissed on so, well, there’s that too. Bingo!
- Sidenote, did anyone hear that Amber had to call 911 on Gary for punching her car and throwing her stuff around her room? Awesome. I couldn’t embed the clip but I heard and it the 911 operator sounded like she couldn’t have cared less. She’s like, Amber’s on line 1 again. Please hold.
- Later Emily finds out from her home school lady that she’s not going to be able to graduate early because she hasn’t done enough yet. Also, a sign that you may be too young to get married is when you say, “We’re supposed to get married in June…and I still have so much homework to catch up on.” Ding!
- Emily is questioning to Daniel if he thinks they’re too young to get married. Daniel claims that people used to get married at 13 and 14 years old. Yeah, but that was in ‘Bama and was like that over 4 years ago. Hey oh!
- In the end, Emily decides that she wants more time to decide if she actually wants to marry Daniel and doesn’t really want to move in with him once he starts college. So she tells him that the glorious wedding is to be postponed. Why does he seem pissed by that? He should be hi-fiving himself and Bugs-Bunny out the front door.
- Why do they always end this show with the statement “Teen pregnancy is 100% preventable.” No it’s not. What if the stork comes by when you’re sleeping or something? How do you prevent that? Exactly.
Join Me on Facebook and The Twitter!
