16 and Pregnant Recap: Felicia and Our Unsung Hero, Pearl!

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Well it’s time for another crapisode of “I’m 16, So Why is a Human Exiting My Vag?”  Here’s what went down:

• So if anyone is wondering what it would look like if Catelynn from Teen Mom morphed into Snooki (minus the orange) from Jersey Shore, I present you with Felicia.
• Wait.  Felicia is 17 years old?  I thought the show was called 16 & Pregnant?  I now have absolutely no idea what this show is about.  Is she even pregnant?  Is she even “and?”  I’m confused.  Unless MTV is going to be absolutely specific and call it “16 and/or 17 and Pregnant,” then none of us are going to be able to follow along.
• I see wood paneling on the walls AND they’re using sub-titles when her mom talks so I think I may have found a new favorite character until April gets her own spinoff.  Plus her mom is totally Selena’s killer so, well, that’s awesome!
• Her mom is sad that she may not graduate from high school.  Actually, I’m not sure what she’s saying.  The sub-titles are going too fast for me to keep up with.  I mean, how am I supposed to read all those words, listen to the broken (down) English, and look at all the “chachkies” scattered around the casa de baby-maker?
• We learn that Felicia would be the first in her family to graduate high-school. That is so much pressure.  Isn’t it enough she’s the first in her family to be on a national television show where a camera crew and COPS aren’t chasing them?
• And…enter Felicia’s boyfriend, Alex.  He looks a smidgen older than 17, but his Hitler mustache may be throwing me off a bit.  Alex is a barber and is allowed to live with Felicia in her bedroom during the pregnancy.  I guess her mom figures the damage is already done.  She can’t get extra-pregnant, so why not let them share a bed and bodily fluids on the regular.  Plus, there’s always anal.  Too much?
• Why does Felicia look so familiar to me?  Was she on MTVtres “My Super Quinceanera?” Ole!
• Later Felicia and Alex lock themselves in the bathroom so they can look at their tattoos in the mirror.  Apparently Felicia’s tattoo is delicately needled just steps away from her vaginastein.  Now we know the map that Alex used to get Felly pregnant.  What’s even better about this scene, for me, is the fact that her mom is dressed in a light blue track suit (Senorita Sue Sylvester) and is sporting the best cameltoe I’ve ever seen in a reality show based on young girls who found themselves “with child.”
• Seriously.  I mean, where in the hell could her mom and stepdad have met?  I mean, really.  He’s basically a bald mustacheless Butch “Snarlin’ Darlin’”
• At the ultrasound where we learn that she’s going to have a girl we also learn that she’s going to name the baby Genesis.  Do you think they’ll call her Sega for short?
• Now there’s a fight brewing between Alex and Felicia’s mom.  The sub-titles are going so fast I thought I was watching the stock market ticker go across my screen.  I found myself yelling ‘Buy Microsoft!” at the television.  Seriously this argument is brilliant.  This is like the I Love Lucy of our generation…except it’s not funny and I don’t see a conveyor-belt with chocolates passing by at high speeds. So, it’s not like I Love Lucy at all.  Just know what I mean.
• It’s been about 25 minutes and it just hit me.  If Felicia only had “Fellatio” maybe she wouldn’t be in this mess.  See what I did there?
• Alex has had enough of Felicia’s mom and her rules so he convinces them to both move out in the middle of the night when her parents aren’t home.  So they pack up the uHaul and head on out to her sisters house/section 8 housing and foreclosure. Yes, Alex thinks it’s too hard living with her mom and I have to agree that living rent free and filming a television show can be too much to handle.  I hear that LC and Lo went through similar struggles.
• I wonder what Bint-Lee is up to?
• Felicia finally moves into her sisters home, who is apparently Ugly Betty.  Are banana clips all the rage again?
• Poor Felicia is having a tough time keeping up with her school work now that she back taking classes again.  Here’s a sign you may be too young to have a baby:  There’s a chalkboard behind you.
• Alex is spending a ton of time with his friends and all his money on getting more tattoos.  Maybe he should have spent some of that money on condoms.  Just a guess/suggestion.
• Here’s the thing.  Why is it such a surprise when the guy doesn’t want to spend all his time with his pregnant moody teen girlfriend?  It’s like, really you’d rather chill with friends and play the Wii?  That’s strange and definitely not 17 year old teen boy behavior.  I’m 257 years old and I’d still rather do that.
• Sidetracked:  Did I just hear that Miley Cyrus’ mom had an affair with Bret Michaels?  That’s strange, but why do I absolutely believe that it’s 100% true?  Just me?  Back to the show.
• Felicia has to head out to the doctor because she missed her due date and is now 4 days late (very reminiscent of her period 9-months ago).
• She’s now getting induced in a room bigger than my apartment.  As soon as she starts going into labor Alex literally asks why she’s crying.  Meanwhile this chick just up and pukes over the side of the bed.  I found myself yelling at the TV “No!  Your baby is supposed to come out from between your legs not out of your mouth, silly!” Kids!  I guess she’s on the Demi Lovato weight-loss plan.  It’s never too early to start!
• How insane is watching someone get an epidural?  Seeing that scares the poop right out from my bum bum.
• So is she going through one of those Tom Cruise/Kaite Holmes silent births because she’s not even yelling or anything.  Also she should see if the delivery doctor can take off her braces while she’s there.  And why are there 16 people standing outside of her vag holding up cameras like the paparazzi?  I’m surprised they didn’t have her deliver by getting out of a car in a short skirt outside of Hyde.  That’s hot!
• After she delivers a healthy baby girl and Alex holds her for 11 seconds, he decides to peace out because he feels like he “stinks” and wants to go home.  I believe he’s gone for hours.
• Felicia ends up asking her mom if she can move back in with her because she’s going to really need the help.  It actually was nice how her mom welcomed her (and the camera crew) back home with open arms.  See?  Now if she spent more time teaching her daughter “open arms” maybe Felicia wouldn’t have spent some much time with open legs?  Too far?
• The baby is now 1 week old and Felicia’s poof is now 1 inch higher.  Jesus, by the time the baby is 15 weeks she’s going to look like one of those Polygamist Sect wives!
• Annnnnd enter Felicia’s friend “Pearl.”  I mean, come on.  When she comes over to visit and hold the baby she actually says, out loud, “I can’t believe this baby came out of your vagina.  For reals!”  I immediately want to more of Pearl and less of everyone else and not just because she looks, perhaps, like a porn star who’s as high as a kite.
• Wait, did Felicia just give the newborn a bath in the bathtub?  Isn’t it supposed to be done in the sink until they’re like 15 years old?  I don’t know all the ins and outs.  I don’t have any kids.  Although sometimes I wash my JWoww blow up doll in the toilet…so maybe I do know a thing or two about taking care of kids.
• Later she and her friends go shopping for baby stuff.  Immediately she almost kills the baby when she pulls a giant box of diapers off the shelf and it almost crushes Genesis (SEGA!)  And how is it possible that a box of like 200 diapers cost $19.99 and the stroller that they’re looking at is only $21.99?  Is this some kind of yard sale?  Yaaaaaaaaard Saaaaaaale!
• Felicia basically can’t buy anything, which only makes it worse when Alex comes “home” to show her his new sneakers he bought for $80.00.  What a douche.  Oh well, I guess the baby doesn’t get to get changed or eat this month.  Sh*t-cake diaper souffle for everyone!
• Grandma is watching the baby whilst Felicia heads back to school.  Apparently teeth are optional while babysitting.
• Felicia is trying to catch up on 4 weeks of homework and take care of the baby so it only makes sense that her boyfriend feeds the baby for a little while and by “feeds the baby” I, of course, mean “put the blanket around the baby high enough to rest the bottle on the baby’s mouth so that he can go and eat his dinner.  What a great dad.  It’s like, dude there are cameras on you.  At least fake it f*ck-stick.
• In the end, Felicia and Alex have a candid conversation about how they could both really care less about each other.  I could care less if this episode ever happened or not.  Although, getting to meet Pearl was enough for me.

I’m still on the countdown to some “rumble in the jungle!”

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