Real Housewives of Atlanta: Boughetto Everywhere!

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Walk with me, talk with me.  Here’s what went down on the latest crapisode of the Real Housewives of Atlanta:

• Like most women from the Housewives franchises, NeNe  is off to the plastic surgeon to get her boobs taken down a couple of sizes and lifted from her knees, her stomach lipo’d, and possibly quite possibly her nose/nostrils removed and then placed back somewhere else on her nose.  My favorite part is when NeNe has to show the doctor her rack-attack and her stomach and she’s basically wearing Peg Bundy’s sexy bedtime lingerie bathrobe.  She’s careful to “cover her rat” when she has to sit back up on the exam room table.  Thank God for small miracles.
• So I’m not sure if there’s anything better than Kim’s dad, Joe, and her mom, Karen, coming over for “Sunday dinner.”  This family is such a filthy hot mess and ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.
• I can’t figure out for the life of me which parent Kim looks like, since both look technically like drunken Muppet’s. Her mom was clearly a paid extra on the set of Dynasty for a minimum of 3 years.
• Kim, like any good daughter, makes them watch her “performance” from the White Party where her boobs and vaginastein are flailing in the wind on stage.  Her mom is literally mouthing the words to Tardy for the Pardy.  Eh, at least it proves she’s not a rotting corpse.  Her dad, in a random side one-on-one interview outside, is telling the camera that he’s very proud of Kim because she has “class” (no really, he said that) and when she was in the 8th she sang a Christmas song and he had tears in his eyes because it was so “phenomenal.”  So, 2 things.  (1) Joe Zolciak must like to drink like it’s his job and (2) Someone must have footage of Kim’s 8th grade Christmas solo and I will pay top dollar ($1.99) to whoever bring it to me as I would like to play it on a loop whilst I slumber and also make it my ringtone, alarm clock, and basically just my life’s theme song.
• Sidenote:  I love in the opening credits when Kandi’s daughter is in the background doing the backwards running-man.  I mean, come on.
• Sheree is at the gym talking about her new “boyfriend” Dr Tiy-E.  Her trainer is listening to her every word, but should really be giving her specific tips on how to “de-broaden” her shoulders.  What exercises can she be doing for that?
• It’s the day of the great Steeple Chase!  I have no idea what that means, but I do know that this means that Phaedra/Clair Huxtable and Dwight are in matching hot-pink hats and faces filled with enough makeup that they can easily be used a chalkboard.
• Just when I thought Cynthia was completely pointless she actually made me laugh out loud (or LOL as “the kids” say in “the chatrooms”) when she described Phae Phae as a “black Tammy Fay Baker” and Dwight as “Willy Wonka,”  Cynthia can now exit the show and she would have left her mark on the season.
• Phaedra makes sure to insult Cynthia’s fiance by saying that  she married someone who didn’t have any kids because she didn’t want anyone who had baggage and she wanted someone “clean.”  Awkward.
• How come every time Phaedra talks she looks like she’s smelling sh*t on her upper lip?  Just a question.  I’ll have them from time to time.
• It’s time for NeNe’s surgery!  They immediately give NeNe some drugs which she finds a way to be comical even halfway passed out.  More on this later.
• Kim heads over to Kandi’s studio to listen to some new “tracks” for her “album”  that’s about “to drop.”  I put those words in quotes because I’m Whitey McWhiterson and it makes me uncomfortable to say them.  Anyway, Kandi lets Kim listen to one of the “tracks” in which she claims she wrote for Sandra Bullock and Tiger Woods’ wife.  Funny, something tells me they’re not tuning in right now.
• Meanwhile, Kim is telling Kandi how while appearing on Jimmy Kimmel recently he asked where her engagement ring was and when she informed him that she wasn’t wearing it anymore he replied back with “so the ring don’t mean a thing” and then jokingly told her that was the name of her next song.  Kim takes this the Ten Commandments falling out of the sky and landing on her fright-wig and lets Kandi know this should be her next song.
• I know I say this all the time, but Kandi has some real talent.  We know this.  So why is she asking Kim if she wants to go on tour together to help promote Kandi’s new album.  Really?  Kim?  She’s your best promotion bet? The wigs on the bus go ’round and ’round all through the town.
• Back in “recovery” NeNe is all drugged up, which is great.  She has her friend call Kim so she can tell her she loves her and she’s around the corner.  She then calls Sheree to let her know she has a surprise for her which consists of her wearing one of her bras.  She says all of this like she is barely alive.  Brilliant.  It’s very reminiscent of when NeNe was hammered in the limo singing that wondrous song about Kim not being able to sing.  (I know I say I’m 29, but I really look 89…)
• Oh yeah, Sheree’s in this show still.  It’s time for her to go and she her new sketched out boyfriend, Dr. Tiy-E Muhammad or as I loving refer to him as, “Dr. Flava Flaaaaaaav!”  Seriously, he’s known as the “Love Doctor” by some people, for some reason, and Sheree heads out to his seminar which I am praying to sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary that these people did not pay actual US currency to listen to him speak.
• Dr. Flava Flaaaav is giving a talk on why black women can’t find a successful black men.   He talks about women needing to not be fake, but be real like washing the dishes and cooking.  He later tells Sheree that she needs to let the man open the ketchup bottle and just be the man.  So basically he’s a rapist, right?  I’m confused.  Do women think these are good tips?  More importantly why do I care?  Most importantly where is Flav’s clock?  Boyyyyeeeee!
• Kim heads over to NeNe’s house to bring her some white flowers and show some support for NeNe’s new rack and nose, like a good friend would.  NeNe provides many-a-chuckle in this scene like when her friend has to help wipe NeNe’s nose because it’s dripping and NeNe whispers, “Oh no, don’t hurt Michael Jackson.”  NeNe is typically funny, but on drugs NeNe is killing.  Seriously she should be on drugs on the regular.  In fact, we all should be.  Just Say “I’ll Think About It” to Drugs!  Suck on that Nancy Reagan!
• It’s the day of Phaedra’s baby shower.  To no surprise Da-Wight is in charge of the decorations and party planning.  So it’s no surprise that the room looks like an Easter egg exploded and they just left it.
• Remember the show Amen?  You know you do.  It was on right after 227 and right before Empty Nest on the Saturday night lineup in the late 80’s.  Anyway, the entire cast and congregation of Amen is at this baby shower.  I’m scanning the crowd for Thelma and waiting for Sherman Helmsly to bust out of the back and start doing his trademark dance.  I’ll keep waiting.
• Lisa Wu-Hartwell alert!  Awkward.  Lisa is at this shower and there is really no mention why she isn’t on this season.  She’s like the ex-girlfriend who’s still kinda friends with some of your friends and sometimes shows up at the same parties you go to.  Everyone is nice, but is thinking the same thing, “Isn’t it so random that she’s here” and also, “When the hell is she going to leave so we can be ourselves again?!”  Either of the two.  Pick one.  That’s her.
• Well there you have it.  Judge Thelma Wyatt-Moore (I found Amen’s Thelma!) is the hostess of the baby shower, is dressed like a Smurf heading to the prom, and is introducing Phaedra in the most slow-motion voice that keeps on going up and down that she may or may not be somehow signaling an al qaeda (or al phaedra) attack.  I’m on red alert at all times anyway, so it’s fine.
• Kandi is totally the unsung hero of this series.  She’s had some good one-liners already this season.   My favorite is when she is describing Phaedra’s rhinestones on her eyelashes as “boughetto” which clearly mean “bougey” and “ghetto” all at the same time, “boughetto.”  Seriously brilliant.
• Also, Phaedra literally has a half-dozen white roses in her hair.  No joke.  Let’s plant her in the winter and wait for her to bloom in the Spring.
• Even Kim is getting in on some of the funny one-liners when suddenly random ballerina dancers come out to dance and Kim says, “I thought I was at the F’n Nutcracker.”  Oh Kim.  That wig.
• Phaedra is now doing a waltz with Da-Wight while the ballerinas dance around her.  Seriously, this is like an acid trip and I kind of don’t want it to stop.  Ever.
• Oh wait, it’s over.

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