Jersey Shore Recap: Grandpa Situation Slaps Snooki in the Mouth and Other Hijinks!

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• Angelina Trash Bags is gone from Casa de Syph and so Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and Grandpa Situation are up nice and early to tear apart her bed and throw it out into the backyard, straight up Sanford and Son style.  It’s amazing how all the other “roommates” are sleeping, yet Pauly D and Grandpa Sitch are already gel’d, blown out, and head to toe in Ed Hardy.  Who the hell can look like that much of douche-bag so early in the morning?
• When Grandpa Situation and Pauly D are trying to move Angelina’s bed out of the room and it’s getting stuck in the doorway all I can think of is that Friends episode where Ross was yelling “pivot…PIVOT” as they tried to get the couch up the stairs.  This got me to thinking of my favorite question of the century…”Are the Friends really friends?”  Score.
• Later the gang is starting to make lobsters for dinner and Snooki couldn’t be more freaked out to see the live lobsters hanging out on her kitchen counter.  She keeps screaming every time Vinny moves one towards her.  So let me get this right, Snooki is terrified when she sees lobsters, but when she sees a family of crabs living in her southern vag region every time she wipes herself she’s fine?  She is so lobster racist it’s not even funny.
• JWoww ShamWow and Snooki try to save one of the live lobsters so they dump it into a half bowl of water in their bedroom.  Snooki, being the Jane Goodall of our generation, thinks that lobsters eat insects so she decides she wants to to feed it worms.  Because lobsters definitely spend a lot of time in the woods looking for insects and other food?  JWoww, the Jacques Cousteau of our generation, thinks that the lobster is going to drown because they dumped it head first into the bowl of water.  These “women” are lucky they have boobs or they’d have a real hard time getting through life.
• I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Pauly D is totally the unsung hero of this season.  Between his “t-shirt time” song, screaming “cabs are here” in his Boston-like accent, and now the new “oh yeah, champagne yeah!” he’s becoming the most interesting and entertaining person in the house.  They could totally cut Ronnie and Sammi SweatStains from the show at this point.  As a sidenote, why does Sammi always look like she’s in the middle of a bowel movement when she’s just sitting around with the group?
• Meanwhile Snooki is trying to mend fences with beat-down Sammi, but JWoww and Sammi still look like they’re ready to beat the bag out of each other.  I’m sorry, I’m not into this silent treatment that they’re giving each other.  So unless they punching, kicking, and clawing at each other I’m not interested.  Next.
• What’s up with this whole Vinny/Ramona storyline they’re trying to shove down our throats?  This chick keeps on standing him up or keeping him waiting for hours at a time.  I think they’re trying to, sadly, prepare us for a “Snooking For Love” style dating show spin-off for Vinny.  I wonder if they’ll call it “Lazy Eye For Love.”  I’m not sure what that technically means, but I think I’m on to something.
• Vinny is waiting for Mona (or “Moner” as I like to say it) so they can go to the beach and she literally makes him wait hours so he makes plans with two other drunken skanks.  Just when those drunken skanks are about come over, Mona calls and is outside so Vinny has to call back the drunken skanks to cancel plans with them.  I’m pretty sure this same situation happened on the Brady Bunch.  Also, yawn.
• So, Mona.  Are you guys ready to discuss this?  We never really get to see her face because she’s always hiding behind sunglasses (probably so she can roll her eyes at Vinny).  Next, when she’s at the beach in her bathing suit she is shockingly thin.  She is a “model” (Sears) so it makes sense but her hands/fingers and feet/toes are insanely alien like.  Also, she’s 7′10″.  It’s like toss this b*tch basketball and lets see her dunk.
• So, um.  Yeah.  Er.  Uh, yeah.  Ok fine.  When Mona takes her sunglasses off she is 100% Sandra Bernhard.  She is so Sandra Bernhard that if she ever makes it onto this episode again she will only be referred to as Sandra Bernhard.  This is like when God named all the animals.
• Later Snooki’s friend “Ryder” calls to confirm her trip to come and see Snooki the next day…except she’s drunk off her ass.  Seriously I hate this chick just from her drunken conversation over the phone.  More importantly Snooki is still going strong with her Teresa Guidice headbands.  She’s starting to look like a friggin’ pirate.  Arrrrg, ye got crabs arrrrgggg!
• Ryder finally makes it “the next day” to see Snooki.  Is this the same mess from last season?  She looks like a mix of “The Snail” from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and a more cracked-out-white-trash version of Taylor Swift.  Snail Swift?  Brilliant.
• I pride myself on being a degenerate booze hound and I’ve never seen those margaritas that Snooki and Snail Swift are drinking that have two Corona’s tipped over upside-down directly in them.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.
• As a sidenote, Snooki and Snail Swift are a combined height of 5′2″.
• Everyone finally heads out to “da club” which, again, is 1 of the same 2 clubs that they’re allowed to film in.  Grandpa Sitch is striking out left and right with “the ladies” at “da club” mainly because he just picks them up out of nowhere and literally places them directly on his crotch.  He also just stands there holding up the peace sign with his wife-beater rolled up so his abs are exposed and his sunglasses pushed down to the end of his nose like the Incredible Mr Limpet and just shakes his head up and down while he looks at the camera.  Oh, and his face is as puffy as Renee Zellweger’s after a coke binge (allegedly).  Why the girls aren’t all over him is beyond me.  I think everyone is a bit Sitched out.
• After one chick tells Grandpa Sitch to stop because he’s “too much” he tries to make everyone leave “da club.”  He literally picks Snooki up and tosses her over his shoulder to try and get her to leave.  Snooki wants no part of that because she’s talking to who I can only assume is the son of Geraldo Rivera.  Only in Miami.
• Oh, and why was Pauly D/Ellen Travolta hooking up with that one chick at “da club?”  I thought he was in love with that other short chick from the past few episodes?  More importantly, why do I care?
• This episode craps the bed.  It’s boring the absolute piss out of me.  I miss April and Butch (insert sidewards sad face).
• Years later, Snooki and Snail Swift continue their deadly assault on their liver and decide to draw all the roommates on the chalkboard.  Snooki basically thinks that Snail Swift is like friggin Bob Ross as she draws everyone.  Snooki keeps yelling “Oh my God it looks just like them!”  I mean, come one, JWoww was just a stick figure with sunglasses and giant boobs.  Wait, it does look exactly like her.  I stand corrected.
• You totally know Snail Swift is saying her thank-you prayers to Jesus that she was friends with Snooki growing up so that she can now reap the benefits of Snooki.  See, kids, this is why you should always befriend the weirdo because you never know when they’re going to get a reality show and become a household name and, well, you’re going to want to be around for that.
• As they ready for “da club” Snooki keeps it interesting by filming Sammi SweatStains and asking her if she likes to masturbate before she goes to the club.  I’m sure if they were quieter you’d hear JWoww answering in the background “No, I take a nasty dump.”  Seconds later all the girls are pressing on each others boobs to feel the difference.  This, my friends, is called “foreshadowing” and is likely what they’ll end up doing on camera to make a living in the next 5-1o years.  Although, in her defense, JWoww will also be feeling her penis as well.
• To change things up, the gang decides to go out to “da club.”  Everyone is having a blast and dancing up a storm.  Pauly D is doing is scissor legs run/dance, Vinny is fist pumping and still trying to milk every last second of that term, and JWoww is dancing without her shoes which is awesome especially when we see her sitting on the couch with her legs up and we see how black the bottoms of her feet are. However, I’m pretty sure she left the house that way so it’s basically a moot point.  Moooooo.
• Suddenly Sandra Bernhard shows up to see Vinny and further her modeling career by being on a television show that is watched by millions of people per week.  Go figure.
• Grandpa Sitch is such a scum bag.  As soon as Vinny goes to drain the watermelon, Grandpa Sitch goes up to Sandra Bernhard to shake his puffy face at her and do his version of flirting.  Such a d*ck.  During his 1 on 1 interview he says, “The Situation is a pimp.  My Grandpappy was a pimp and, you see, his Grandpappy was a pimp.”  I’m sorry.  Mike?  Michael?  Michael Sorentino?  You’re a 30+ year old Caucasian male.  That is the box you check off on your tax forms, right?  Please act accordingly.
• Sandra Bernhard wants nothing to do with Grandpa Situation and she tells Vinny exactly what happened.  Also, is there any chance that Sandra Bernhard is “with” penis?
• In the end Grandpa Situation is left alone sitting on the couch by himself and watching everyone else have fun.  He’s sitting there because he’s in his early 30’s probably wondering what he’s still doing at an actual club and hanging around with a bunch of 23 year-olds.  So, since he’s hit rock bottom he’s found a way to break through that rock bottom and so he goes up to kiss Snooki.  He’s a douche and looks like a complete loser…especially after Snooki pushes him away.  So what does he do when Snooki won’t go home with him?  He literally slaps her in the mouth.  He slaps Snooki in the mouth.  Snooki.  Slaps.  Mouth.  And nobody does anything.  Poor Snooki.  She got beat down by a dude last season and now she’s getting hit in the mouth again by a dude.  I don’t care if it was not an overly forceful slap, who does that!?
• Grandpa Sitch is trying to round up the whole gang to leave, but no one really will leave with him.  Everyone is pretty much over him at this point.  He’s slowly turning into Kate Gosselin.  This is just the reality-show circle of life, my friend. Join Me on Facebook!