Sep
29

Teen Mom Recap: “Guess What, B*tch? This is MY House!”

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Amber - Oh Amber. Amber, Amber, Amber. Amber and her friend, who I believe is also a “teenage mother” are out at the park pushing their kids on the swings and chit-chattin’ about deep world issues. I’m kidding. They’re talking about how Gary may end up living in his van since he doesn’t have anywhere else to go and no one will take him in. Living in his van? Come on. He literally is wedged in between the steering wheel and the drivers seat with little room to move. In fact, I believe a seat belt is not even required. Amber, who’s turned herself into a karate-kicking Bratz doll is now teaching her friend some of her cool fighting moves. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing these moves later in the episode. It’s called foreshadowing, kids. Later, Gary’s mom and his stepdad/brother were watching Leah and so now they’re dropping her off back at Amber’s insane asylum. Gary’s mom and stepdad are wearing exactly what you would expect them to be wearing: USA t-shirt with waving flag, jean shorts, and a pink srunchie. A traditional WT uniform, if you will. They are kind enough to bring over some new crib sheets for Leah since she is basically sleeping on some newspapers taped down to her mattress and Amber, apparently, takes this as a declaration of jihad. Once Gary comes “home” he catches the wrath of what his mom did and perhaps the best fight of the entire season breaks out between Amber and Gar. Somehow through the grace of sweet baby Jesus Claus, Gary becomes the voice of reason and tells Amber that he’s going to call DSS on her. He even tells her that she needs to start taking her medication again. Ruh-roh. Somehow Amber turns into Chris Tucker and kicks Gary out of the house by saying, “Guess what bitch? This is MY house!” Gary tosses in his threat again of calling DSS. Well, assuming DSS owns a television I believe Season 2 of Teen Mom will be Exhibit A. Finally, he grabs Leah and says that he’s taking her away from Amber “forever.” When he said “forever” they should have added an echo sound effect. “I’m taking her away…forever ever ever ever ever.” This is great! This is like the shiz that used to go down between LC and J-Wahl behind the scenes that MTV would never air. After Gary leaves Amber invites some friends over so she can vent and she confesses that she feels bad for calling him a “fatass.” Later, once Gary comes back to Amber’s House of Horror, Amber is busy cleaning out the apartment with all of Gary’s stuff. She must be making some extra room so she can practice her “sexy dancing.” Well, Gar has come back just in time to get his arse beat once more. Amber ends up punching him in the face, tries to knock his TV down the stairs (which I thought he took before), calls him a fatass again, slaps the sunglasses off his face, calls him “trash” (I mean, it’s like “Pot, Kettle…oh you both know each other already?”), and then she tells him to watch his back (which he does not) so she kicks it while he walks down the stairs. So none of this can be legal, right? By the way, MTV couldn’t stop running “If you or someone you know has been victim of domestic violence” ads every commercial break. Thanks Amb!
Farrah - So Farrah finally got a new car. I’m guessing that’s 3 cars in 1 year? No wonder she’s having money problems. It’s like, stop buying automobiles on Craigslist. She ends up heading back to her lawyer, who hates her, and to no surprise he’s still wearing a t-shirt even though he knows he’s going to be on camera. This time, however, his t-shirt sleeves are short enough to show to matching arm tattoos. The defense rests. April should go to this guy. I’m sure she’d at least be able to afford him. Lawyer JingleJangle decides to give Sophia’s baby daddy sister (Kassy) a call to see if she’s going to take her lazy arse to the DNA store. She explains that she wanted to take some time to research this “law” and make sure that Sophia gets all the money and that none of it goes to sh*t-bag Farrah. She also decides that she will take the DNA test and that she wants to meet baby Sophia for the first time…oh, and be on national television too. Debra better shine up the trash claw because she may have some new competition! And she seems totally pissed that the sister was dragging her feet taking this DNA test. So when Debra gets brought up on attempted murder charges and they make a Lifetime movie about her, I really hope Meredith Baxter-Birney gets to play her. I’ll start the letter-writing campaign to congress. Done and done. Later Kassy calls Farrah and is all freaked out about meeting Sophia…she’ll be even more freaked out when she finds Debra hiding in the bushes with a sniper rifle. She does, however, end up meeting up with Farrah and Sophia under some random bridge like they’re a bunch of trolls. She brings Sophia a book of her dead father and, well, this a serious part of the episode so I’ll just move on. At the end of their day they all go to the DNA store together just like they all used to dream about when they were little girls wondering what it would be like to become a mom one day. After that was over, Debra calls Farrah to see how everything went and Farrah breaks down saying that she’s never met anyone else that she felt so strongly about like Sohpia’s dad and Debra lets her know that “God will make a place for you with someone wonderful.” I’m sure she ended that with “…and if He doesn’t, I will take my butcher knife and hunt a man down for you and bring him home to you via my trash claw.” In the end she ends up meeting up with Margaret Cho, whom I thought was busy with Dancing With the Stars but apparently not, and she ends up crying all over again. Poor Farrah. She needs some more of “the therapy” and perhaps she can borrow some of Amber’s meds that she’s not taking.
Maci - Well Maci is officially in her new place in Nashville and she’s busy cooking chicken and rice for Bint-Lee and Kyle. We learn that somehow Maci doesn’t know what an Ethiopian is, which is ironic since they really share the same forehead. While Maci is cooking, Kyle is bummed that there is no leftover pizza and says, “I could have eaten it for days!” Funny, I think Ryan said the same exact thing seconds before Maci got knocked up. Hey-oh! Later one of Maci’s friends comes over to bad mouth Ryan a little bit in front of Bint-Lee and Maci decides that she doesn’t want to be enemies with Ryan. Therefore she straps Bint into his car-seat and does a little sneak attack on Ryan by bringing Bint-Lee over to his house so that he can sit in Ryan’s truck for 10 minutes and they can talk about the new legal word they’ve learned called “mediation.” In the end, they end up breaking out the calendar and marking off who gets Bint-Lee when for the next 18 years, I believe. They actually came to an agreement and acted like adults the whole time. They should have unprotected sex one more time…you know, to celebrate. Sidenote, I miss Maci’s two-tone car.
Catelynn - The adoption lady is meeting up with Catelynn and Tyler at some random bar (yes bar) so that she can show pictures of Carly at 12-months old. She seems like a real nice lady, until she brings up April being a drunk and Catelynn’s grades suffering because of it. It’s like relax lady, she already has a mom…you can’t adopt her. As a sidenote, after this first scene Catelynn and Tyler weren’t in this episode again until almost 35 minutes later, which means I guess we can pretty much kiss our dream of “April and Butch scenes” goodbye for this week. How sad for me. Later they end up going to visit a community college and to meet with an adviser. Here we learn that Catelynn wants to be an Ultrasound Tech and Tyler wants to become an EMT for now and then eventually a Psychiatrist. Um ok. Seems like the next natural step after EMT. Why can’t Tyler just become Butch’s manager and call it a day? I actually got sad when Catelynn said that she was definitely going to college because she was going to make a better life for herself. This really is her only way out and she knows that. I’m really pulling for her and I think she can do it. Oh, and if for some reason it doesn’t work out I’m sure this little thing called “a TV show” and getting paid for covers of “People Magazine” and “Us Weekly” will help support her for a while until she gets a spin-off show with Butch and April and then she starts making Jersey Shore money. Unfortunately we later find out that Catelynn and Tyler won’t be graduating on time with the rest of their class because they’re pretty much a semester behind. More importantly they’re eating ice-cream outside at a picnic table with some friends when this discussion takes place and one of their friends is sitting there wearing jeans and a bikini top like she’s a backup dancer from the MC Hammer “Can’t Touch This” video. Yes! April! Is! Back! Who cares that there’s only 10 minutes left of the episode? 10 minutes of April is better than no minutes of April, right? April is, of course, wearing her “I’m not short I’m fun sized” t-shirt again or her “work shirt” as I’m sure she calls it. Catelynn gets her grades mailed to her and April seems indifferent that she’s getting C’s and D’s in her classes. April does, however, ask Catelynn what she thought she would have gotten for grades. Um yeah. Isn’t that something you ask in the middle of the semester and not after the semester is over?! Way to be involved, April. In the most awkward moment of the episode, Catelynn tells her mom that she doesn’t want to be a loser who doesn’t graduate and says “oh no, no like you” to April as she kind of slaps her in the head. Like there ever was any doubt that April didn’t finish high-school. See? Now that would be a great spin-off. “April Goes Back to School.” Please MTV, make this for me. In the end, Tyler and Cate go to graduation to sit and support their friends. Poor kids. I don’t think Catelynn could have graduated with braces anyway. I believe it’s a law. Also, is it wrong that I’m more excited to see Catelynn get her braces off than actually see her graduate? Join Me on Facebook!

43 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

Seriously Said,
so did anyone else notice how farrah’s work outfit (which she seemed to be changing out of OUTSIDE her car) included some black really short shorts? exactly what kind of waitress is she?

i’m also jealous of april’s giant can of twisted tea. go big or go home ape!

amber is one crazy trashy bitch.
lisa Said,
So Gary called amber a shitty parent then drove off with Leah in the front seat, not even in a car seat…. Gotta love that one.
LisaP Said,
as much as i look forward this recap – i must vow never to read it at work again. WAY too funny. shine up her trash claw? butch’s manager?
no guest host — joel mchale has community now, he should just give you the soup.
noelle Said,
hahaha “april goes back to school” would be like an in real life “strangers with candy”
J Said,
There are no words left to describe Amber. The beast needs help.

Has anyone ever noticed that when Farrah “cries”, she produces no tears? I’m pretty sure she’s an alien. She has the eyes for it.

Did Catelynn not look at her test scores all semester? How does someone think they’re getting A’s and B’s and get C’s and D’s? In everything.
That's What She Said,
IF YOUR BABY WAS BORN A YEAR AGO, and it is a year old, that cannot be an excuse for failing your current semester. Never heard of Prom King and Queen not graduating.

TO AMBER:
BEAT DAT A$$
I’M PRESSIN’ CHARGES!
donna Said,
I in no way condone domestic violence, but was anybody else wishing Gary would push amber down those steps?
TMM Said,
Did anyone else see the old Pepsi machine smack dab in the middle of the front yard at Gary’s moms house? Too funny.
I really think Gary and Amber are both…Wow, however, at least
Gary sees that Leah is in HELL!! All she does is cry and all Amber does is lay in the bed and let her. Also, her crib is absolutely full of junk. Is this so she can entertain herself while laying in there all the time crying?
Painful to watch Said,
Does anyone else start singing, “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,
His name is my name, too.
Whenever we go out
The people always shout,
“There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt!” whenever Farrah meets her lawyer?
Ashley Said,
This was a good recap, but as a mother I found it absolutely disgusting to watch Amber’s scenes this week. She is always a horrible mother and person but seeing poor Leah’s crib, jam packed fulll of crap, and the house is always nasty with trash and clothes everywhere (do these people not have a closet or do we all need to send them some hangers or something???) this poor child really needs to be around people who care about her and are not always beating and screaming at each other. I hope CPS does pay a visit in an upcoming episode… Maybe Carley’s adoptive parents can take in Leah too?
AHarvey Said,
Ok….the face Farrah makes when she cries looks like something out of “The Ring”…..and who here thinks there was a bit of flirting going on between Maci and Ryan? Hmmmm…..Also, I was praying Gary would give Amber a little love tap and send her ass end over tea kettle down that flight of stairs he is so familiar with! Why didn’t he call the cops?! Or better yet….April! After those mean cat scratches she left on Butches face, I would hire her as my “fun sized” bodyguard anyday, as long as she shares some of her awesome Twisted Tea!
Anji Said,
Sorry, but after last night’s sickening episode where Leah was downright neglected, it would be IRRESPONSIBLE of MTV not to alert Indiana Dept. of Child Services….run all the “Domestic Violence Is Wrong” ads you want, MTV….but Gary’s fat ass can defend himself – SAVE THAT HELPLESS BABY!!!!
heydayna Said,
April go back to school? Never gonna happen. She wouldn’t want to become one of those snotty bitch high school grads. I pray to Dog Gary follows through one damn thing on his pathetic life and gets custody of that poor baby. Amber should only be allowed supervised visits from her jail cell. She didn’t just kick Gary in the back while he walked down the stairs, but also while he was carrying a TV! It was only the power of baby jesus Claus that he didn’t lose his life then and there.
rikcrik Said,
Did anyone watch the two-plus minute after show with Amber? Amber began apologizing/making excuses to the audience or producers or … I don’t even know (not gar who was sitting next to her) for her behavior. Gar chimed in and Amber turned psycho again in a nano-second. Her problems run much deeper than anger. I have a feeling amber spent a lot of time crying alone in a crib for her first few years.
Lisa Said,
The 3 public service announcements about domestic violence during the 1 hour episode were great. We decided Gary needs to call the cops on Amber for assault and then he can get full custody! Of course, the show wouldn’t be as exciting…

oh, and did you notice that April hung the report card on the fridge? Way to go! Grades not good enough to graduate, but good enough to make the fridge!
Joanna Said,
Honestly this episode is hard to make fun of b/c it was so sad. Amber is frightening. Gary is a stronger person than I am, b/c I would have flung Amber down the stairs. Which brings me to the point that I struggle with EVERY episode-who lives below Gary and Amber in their house? Clearly someone does (if they didn’t I’m sure lazy Gary would have snapped up a first floor home stat-no stair climbing!). Why haven’t they called the police with all that screaming?

The whole thing with Farrah is just sad. I feel bad for Sophia who actually really does look like her dad.

And Catelynn and Tyler……I want them to get out of their sad little town SO BAD and feel personally let down that they failed to graduate on time.

As always, Maci is my bright spot.
rikcrik Said,
I can’t help wondering if Amber is much worse when the cameras are turned off, if gary would slap that bitch if the cameras were turned off, or if she’s completely different. When the cameras are around is she attempting to show the world that she’s top dog?
The REAL That's what she Said,
I LIVE IN A VAN……DOWN BY THE RIVER!

I never buy into reality TV, but I really do feel bad for Catelynn and Tyler. What a shame…I really hope they do make something of themselves. How their heads are screwed on at least this straight with April and Butch for parents is a miracle.
KittyKat Said,
Poor baby Leah. I really, really hope something is done for her. Sadly, there probably isn’t enough for DSS to take her away. You would be surprised who gets to keep their kids even though they treat them worse than dogs! MTV should give Gary some “teen mom” money so he can get his own place, a lawyer, and sole custody of that child with Amber only getting supervised visitations until she completes some SERIOUS therapy and anger management. Twice. Oh, and Gar should also pick up some bigger shirts.

Oh, and Maci is going to drive 120 miles from Nashville to Chattanooga twice a week?? That…makes sense…what happens when Bint-lee goes to school??

I now understand why Farrah lacks emotion. Did you hear her mother tell her she shouldn’t have gone to see Kassy because “she didn’t want her to sitr up those emotions.” It’s obvious she was never taught to express her emotions and probably wasn’t allowed to grieve the loss of Sophia’s dad. (She said in “the therapy” that her mom just said, “Oh, that’s just what happens!” after Derek died.) Poor girl.

I’m rooting for Catelynn and Tyler. Seriously, would MTV just pay for their place, too? “Tyler and Catelynn’s Most Awesome Adventure: College!” It’d be a white trash Jersey Shore! Especially if they stay in Michigan. It’s Michigan, shit can’t be that expensive!

Thanks for a few laughs out of this super, super sad episode. I’m a little disappointed you didn’t comment on Ryan’s response when Maci called him.
Maci: “What’re you doin’?”
Ryan: “Um, nothin’.”
Don’t underestimate yourself, Ry…you were yawning!!
Lynn Said,
Amber is psycho-she and Farrah should go to therapy together. Leah would have been better off had she been put up for adoption, too. At least Catelynn and Tyler were smart enough to realize that they were in a bad situation and and wanted better for carly.
Leah Said,
I so wish Nene would have made a cameo and dragged Kassy to take “a DNA”!
Jessica Said,
What I really want to know is why
MTV thinks it’s too horrible to show Snookie getting punched, but will air Amber hitting Gary 5 times and kicking him as he walks down the stairs. I mean really, WTFs up with that?
Cait Said,
This episode just pissed me off. If Gary was doing to Amber what Amber does to him, the cops would be there in 2 seconds hauling his fat butt off to jail (which, may not be a bad thing…those orange jumpsuits are pretty baggy, which would spare us the trauma of seeing all his fat rolls)

But I digress, the only reason Amber isn’t sitting in lock up right now is because she’s a woman. I bet she’d like jail though….the bars of the cell kind of look like poles. She could try to sexy dance on them…
LC Said,
What about Maci’s back tattoo? It was peeking out from both sides of her tank top. And next week you can see the fake tan lines on her wrist.
Joanna Said,
In regards to Maci’s tattoos-I read somewhere that the giant tat on her back is a page of torn notebook paper with her last name (bookout) scrawled across the top. Ever since reading that I have been obsessively hoping every episode that she would wear a halter or something backless or a bikini so we can see it, as I can not visualize this.

She also has the word bulletproof written on the side of her upper back, right behind her shoulder. And Bentley Cadence on her lower back (Bentley tramp stamp!) and M&R on her wrist (yikes!)

And now I am going to go cry for knowing so much about Maci’s tats.
Anji Said,
Literally laughing out loud @ Joanna! You are too funny!
Angela Said,
Whoooooooo hoooooooooo FINALLY! Please save poor baby LEAH!!!

September 29, 2010

Anderson ‘Teen Mom’ being investigated for assault
MTV show features Amber Portwood in physical fight with ex-fiancé
By Brandi Watters
The Herald Bulletin The Herald Bulletin Wed Sep 29, 2010, 10:07 PM EDT

ANDERSON, Ind. — Local police have begun an investigation into an apparent assault that appeared on Tuesday’s episode of “Teen Mom,” an MTV reality show featuring Anderson residents Amber Portwood and Gary Shirley.

The pre-taped episode features a scene in which Portwood appears to hit, punch and kick her ex-fiancé, Shirley, after he accuses her of being a bad mom and threatens to report her to Child Protective Services.

Portwood and Shirley were first featured in the MTV reality series, “16 and Pregnant.”

“Teen Mom,” which follows the lives of four teen mothers, has returned in its second season with episodes airing each week, Tuesdays at 10 p.m.

Lt. Paul Boulware of the Anderson Police Department said the department wasn’t aware of the fight until Wednesday, when the department’s victim’s advocate received two anonymous e-mails urging police to look into the incident.

“We assigned an officer to it this afternoon,” Boulware said.

The episode, which was pre-taped, features a fight between Portwood and Shirley that begins when Shirley questions Portwood about crib sheets on their daughter’s bed.

“Why didn’t you put a sheet on her bed when my mom brought brand new ones today?” Shirley asks Portwood.

When Portwood begins screaming at him, Shirley threatens her. “Lower your voice because Child Protective Services will get called.”

With their child, Leah, standing at their feet, the two argue back and forth until Shirley finally takes the child and leaves the apartment.

“I’m keeping her for a while,” Shirley says as he exits Portwood’s Anderson apartment.

“Oh really? How long is that,” she responds.

“Forever,” Shirley says.

The Herald Bulletin contacted Child Protective Services and inquired about any existing complaints against Portwood or Shirley.

Ann Houseworth of Child Protective Services responded to the query. “State statute does not permit me to speak about case specific information on children or families that may be involved with the child welfare system.”

When Shirley returns later in the episode, he finds Portwood stacking his belongings in the stairwell that leads to her apartment.

She tells him that he can’t stay with her anymore and an argument ensues.

As Shirley stands atop the stairs, Portwood appears to punch and slap him seven times.

“I am at the edge,” she screams, asking if he wants her to punch him in the face.

During the altercation, Shirley never responds to Portwood’s attacks physically, but continually asks “are you done?” and tells her to quit hitting him.

As Shirley descends the stairway, Portwood appears to kick him in the back.

Early in the episode, Portwood tells a friend that she has been practicing Krav Maga, an Israeli hand-to-hand combat system.

“Even though things with Gary are confusing right now, at least I know how to fight for what I believe in,” Portwood states in a voice-over during the episode.

The Herald Bulletin attempted to reach officials with MTV, but calls were not returned.

Boulware said the investigation into the possible domestic violence has been forwarded to the department’s criminal investigation unit.

He said the incident is a unique case because it was taped and aired on national television. “It’s a new way of receiving information. It’s like a 911 call through reality TV.”

It appears that the department never received a report of the incident from the MTV film crew on scene. “We have not had any information about it until e-mails were sent to the victim advocate,” Boulware said.

In some cases, Boulware said, those who witness a crime but fail to report it to police can face criminal charges. “It depends on what kind of crime it is.”

The Herald Bulletin visited Portwood’s Anderson apartment Wednesday, but Portwood and Shirley are in Tennessee filming their show with MTV, according to a family friend staying at the residence.
Natalie Said,
@Painful to watch : I also sing the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt song whenever they show that mans name on his door! Too funny!
Casey Said,
Maci’s tattoo on her back, HIDEOUS! http://bbbjones.tumblr.com/post/964838564/macis-tattoo-in-case-you-were-wondering
lisa Said,
OMG somebody called the cops after watching that episode…

http://heraldbulletin.com/breakingnews/x1535831910/Anderson-Teen-Mom-being-investigated-for-assault
lisa Said,
sorry if that posts, i didn’t notice the whole thing was printed out {guess I should read the article first…}
Sarah Said,
@Joanna, just google it. Here’s a pic with Maci’s back tattoo–
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_AxTkUnqBSRc/TIOX0B5YrBI/AAAAAAAADss/qJkb1sGNCUU/s1600/Maci+Bookout+tattoo.jpg
Sarah Said,
Even better: http://www.thefablife.com/files/gallery/maci-bookout/macibookout-2.jpg

…wow. Maci may be perfect compared to the other teen mamis but this tattoo just blows it for me.
C.Wentworth Said,
These are the best recaps! Totally on point.

Did anyone else see the “Teen Mom” “After Show” with Gary and Amber?

I couldn’t figure out if

A. Amber had been crying (didn’t seem like she was)?

B. Amber lost control of her tanning and makeup. thus giving herself “clownface”?

c. Dan lost his shiz on Roseanne and gave her a beat down like Fisher did to Jacki.
the Real that's what she Said,
I live in a van. DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joanna Said,
To Sarah and Casey-thanks for sharing the pic of Maci’s back tattoo, but now I am scarred for life. Why would she ever get something so huge and hideous? Fail.
C.Wentworth Said,
When Butch called Catelynn and Tyler announcing he got kicked out of “the hab” it sounded like he was on a yacht in the Bahamas having the best day ever.
He was probably psyched to get sent back home..I mean Jail, so he could score some “medicine”..

I hope he gets out of “the joint” soon. It would be a shame to deny us the pleasure of seeing his new prison tats.

“FREE BUTCH”
Loreli Said,
YOU ARE HILARIOUS!!!! This is the first of your blogs that I’ve read and it’s brilliant. You’d be a good guest host on The Soup. Can’t wait to read your past blogs on this show. “Shine up the trash claw…” baaaa haaa haaaaa! that’s rad.
TC Said,
What about posting the C’s and D’s on the fridge likes it’s something to be proud of???
VT Said,
So, has no one else noticed the Farrah’s “lawyer” is the county prosecutor??? They scroll that everytime he’s on. He’s not her lawyer. She’s not paying for him for representation. He works for the county. We live in the same town as her and everytime we drive past the county courthouse my husband and I laugh about Farrah’s “lawyer”. I think it’s hysterical that she refers to him as her lawyer. That’s why he treats her like he does. He pretty much rolls his eyes and laughs at her everytime she shows up.
Steph Said,
Hey now! Don’t be talking crap about the price of stuff in MI! Unless their side of the state is cheap as shit (which based on the looks of the town it probably is) but me being from MI the only thing that sucks about it is being from the same state as them. Thank God I live on the other side of the state. If I saw Butch all the time with his rat tail mullet combo I would have to gauge my eyes out since I feel so bad for him lol. Oh and did you know April is only 38 but yet she looks like she’s 65? Uhhh yeah what drugs was/is she taking?
Abbi Said,
I would love to see recaps like this of the new season of “16 and pregnant”, this was hilarious.
Leigh Said,
True Noelle, although, Jeri Blank is way more classy than April. I mean, I totally respect a mother that is jealous that her teen is making better choices than her hillbilly ass, but something about chain smoking in your 4 year old’s face takes the class right out of a gal.