Sep
08

Teen Mom Recap: April, Without Butch, Frightens Me. Like, A Lot.

Posted by IBBB

Read More On: teen mom recap

Catelynn – Once again I’m kicking things off with Catelynn and crew because, well, I pretty much only want to watch a show with them in it. It’s Prom time for Cate and Tyler and so that can only mean one thing, Catelynn’s mom, April, is taking her and her friend dress shopping at DEB. They’re looking for a Prom dress at DEB. DEB. I’m not saying anything. Since meth is a son-of-a-b*tch to kick, April is lashing out at Catelynn with every dress she tries on. Basically she tells her she looks too fat and/or ugly in each dress. Had she said she looked flammable I would have agreed, but April has crossed the line. I’m guessing she wants Catelynn to jump on that “coke” and cigarettes diet that’s all the rage with “the kids” these days. April makes sure to toss in some ugly faces and mocking tones with Cate and disappear from the store right before it’s time to actually pay for the dress. How does April have money for a pink Blackberry and 1997 nose ring and not any money for the dress? Odd. As a sidenote, she’s also driving a beat up BMW and is sporting some bedazzled sunglasses. Highfalutin! Once Catelynn and her friend get back into the car, April calls them both “ignorant bitches.” What the hell did the friend do? And, not for nothing, “Precious” could totally take on April any day, any time. Later April drops them off at the tuxedo shop so that Tyler can pick out a tux for “da prom.” Clearly Tyler has been tanning like it’s his job and is probably prepping himself for a near-future Jersey Shore audition. If Vinny ever gets the boot I think Tyler is a good next natural fit. He has the TL, he just needs the G. Somehow “Precious” is the voice of reason at the tux shop and tells Catelynn that she thinks her mom is just jealous of her and all that she’s gained since giving her baby up for adoption (like “pay per episode” and “a tv series”). You totally know April is trying to get knocked up just so she can try to get something out of MTV as well and, you know what, I’d totally watch the piss out of it. During this conversation, April sends a txt message to Catelynn to let her know she wants “gas money.” Yeah, that’s code for “meth lab monthly fees” I think. She needs to take all of her Teen Mom money and get that hell away from her mom and just start her life all over again away from the toxic (yet beautiful) environment that is “April.” Wow, I just got deep. In the end, Catelynn gets ready for the prom and Tyler’s sister does her hair in million tiny little curls all while April sulks on the couch. She’s seriously like Oscar the Grouch, trashcan and all. Tyler and Catelynn end up getting voted Prom King and Queen by their classmates. Once again, boys and girls, sex at a young age pays off and it really makes you popular. Now have at it!

Farrah - Debra has completed all the trash-picking that the court has ordered, but Farrah still thinks she needs more therapy. At this point I think Farrah’s lawyer is even sick of her piss-poor attitude. Luckily, Margaret Cho is back in this episode and just in the nick of time since Farrah is cleaning her apartment all whilst little Sophia has somehow crawled up onto the counter and is basically sitting on a 2×4. She’s about 4 seconds away from falling into the open dishwasher and on top of the 4 pointed knives (butcher) that are sticking up. Farrah will be serving Sophia-kabobs by the end of the episode. Later, Farrah calls up Debra to invite her to go to her therapy session. Yeah, ouch. Debra seems less than thrilled to be going to this. In fact, she sounds like she’d rather pick up trash for the next 3 years, and be filmed while doing so, then go to therapy with Farrah. Also, I’d like to watch that…on a loop….for 2 weeks straight. The therapy session is totally awkward. Of course. Debra and Farrah are both doing their typical ugly cry. I’m doing the ugly cry on the inside. Debra says she just wants Farrah to be happy and, per usual, Farrah ups her sass level to “red alert.” The therapist, to my surprise, calls out Farrah on her terrible body language, crap-bag attitude, and overall for just being a big b*tch. Therefore, I like her. I kinda wish she was Farrah’s mom and that way Debra could just focus on her reflective vest, trash claw, and butcher knife fetish. Perhaps she could chase Butch around rehab? Just a suggestion. In the end, Farrah ends up inviting her mom out for coffee so she can try and rebuild her bizarro relationship with her. Why does Farrah’s face look so different in this scene? Gained weight? Parted her hair differently? Coke bloat? All good questions. Regardless, she decides that she’ll take up Debra on her offer to babysit Sophia more so that Farrah can up her pizza making duties and, one day, make pizza’s at Pizza Hut. I assume that’s her end goal. No idea. Sweet Sixteeeeeen!

Maci - In a real turn of events, Ryan is looking to spend more time with Bint-Lee. Now does he want this in order to increase his overall camera time with MTV or is it more because of what Maci is thinking which details the fact that he’ll have to pay less child support if he increases the amount of days he spends with him? I mean, he’s paying like $80 a week. I’m sure Bint-Lee’s first words will be, “No really, it’s fine. I don’t even need it.” Anyavril, Maci’s friend Debbie Downer reminds Maci of how hard it’s going to be to move Bint-Lee away from Ryan and go to Nashville so she can be closer to her very own albino Care Bear. Ole! Meanwhile, Ryan and his friends are out having drinks and talking about his “big plan” to get more time with Bint-Lee. This is where his girlfriend steps in the conversation and and wants to know why Maci is allowed to move 5 hours away and Ryan doesn’t have a say. The answer to that is: “Teen Mom Season 1 footage.” She then wants to know if there’s anything else Ryan can do to spend more time with Bint-Lee. The answer to that is: “Leave you, bitch, and go back with Maci.” What? They’re my Ross and Rachel now so go F yourself. Don’t judge me. Next up, Ryan goes and gets himself the sleeziest lawyer in Chattanooga that 3 easy installments of $19.95 can buy. Seriously, this lawyer is the worst. He tells Ryan to go take a DNA test to make sure Bint-Lee is his and then tells him he should start taking Maci to court because once that process begins she’s not allowed to move more than 100 miles away and Nashville is 120 miles away, so that will get her to stick around. He would have said more, but he heard an ambulance drive by and he had to go chase it. Ryan should have jumped up and shouted, “See you on Judge Judy, bitches!” Ryan ends up showing Maci his fancy “court papers” and how he’s looking for 3 days with Bint-Lee and then Maci will have 3 days with Bint-Lee. Um, can someone fill in Ryan that, as of recent, the calendar has 7 days on it. Who gets Bint-Lee for the 7th day? I’d vote for God, but I’m pretty sure He rests on the 7th day. In the end, Maci drives home and is crying to her mother because she’s so angry and hurt. I kind of feel bad. Kind of. Although, you know what could totally solve their problems? Ryan should get her pregnant again. I think that solves things. I mean, it always worked for those girls on Ricki Lake so I assume that “formula” still works.

Amber - It’s Roseanne’s birthday today and Dan is out in the kitchen obesely making pancakes for his “queen” who is still in bed. Odd how Gary knows that recipe by heart (attack). To keep the birthday love flowing, Gary agrees to watch Leah, Darlene, DJ, and Becky while Amber goes out “sexy dancing” with her girlfriends, Jackie and Crystal. I hope the Lobo lowered their drinking age to 18! Gary heads out to buy Amber a small bucketful of $10.00 flowers (so half the price of her engagement ring for those doing “the math” at home). I mean, he technically spent about the same on a bucket of chicken and biscuits, but still that is love. Well, love and grease. Later, Amber starts creaming up her legs (puke) and puts her rats nest into a pony tail because she doesn’t want it to get in the way of all that “sexy dancing.” Dan and Arnie are driving in the old truck and Arnie is totally egging on Dan to have Roseanne invite him out for her girls night out. Seriously, this friend is the worst. He looks like he stinks of underachievement and Old Spice. So, after 4 seconds of the taunting, Gary folds from the peer pressure and calls up Amber and demands to be invited out with her and her friends. Amber isn’t having any of this and tells Gary that it’s over (for the 15th time). Gary tells her he is so mad that he is NOT going to pick up her “special cake” from the store for tonight. Seriously, who’s he kidding? Not only is he going to pick up that cake, but he’s going to eat that cake, naked, in the back of the truck all whilst is creepo friend does an oil painting of him. However, in the end, Gar goes home with that “special cake” with trick candles and apparently that is enough for Amber to forgive him because she does. With the time that’s remaining she ends up going out “sexy dancing” with her friends and guess what? She does do a little “sexy dancing.” I mean she’s a real God-damn machine out there on the dance floor. Somewhere in the fetal position, Gary is eating that cake and crying.

I seriously can’t get enough of Teen Mom. Me gusta it, like a lot. MTV would really be a bunch of dumb-dumb douches if they didn’t at least consider spinning off Catelynn and Tyler’s family and/or Amber and Gary. I’m thinking something along the lines of the Beverly Hillbillies, but more up-to-date. And, please tell me April and Butch have their own Twitter accounts? I’m going to start searching for that. Finally, a special shout-out (as “the kids” say) to the folks over at BabyCenter, TheKnot, and TheNest. Who knew moms and future moms actually found any of this junk the least bit funny? Ole! Join Me on Facebook!

43 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

JWL: Said,
Awesome – thank you. I thought I was the only person watching this and no one else could feel my pain.
JWL: Said,
oh…also…I love how Gary was nagging about the “custom cake” he got for Amber. That was a Kroger’s Manager’s Special…I was expecting an ‘Ace of Cakes’ masterpiece…but I guess I shoulda considered the source, huh?
Shelia Jewcormick Said,
Mannnnn, the amount of chain smoking going on around Catelynn’s little brother is disgusting. Where are social services!!!???
iim Said,
hahaha God gets Bint-Lee on the 7th day!!! Thanks for the laughs…I was trying to figure out what kind of car was April driving, a BMW??? wow April is high maintance! and trying to look at the prices at this DEB store…I just love how trashy this show is!
Perry Said,
I look forward to Teen Mom even moreso every week because it means you’re going to update this blog. This is the funniest thing I read all week.

And yes I’m one of those husbands who watches this show with his beautiful preggo wife. I personally watch it because seeing these people’s messed up live makes me feel better about my own and I’m not afraid to admit it.
Leah Said,
Somewhere in the fetal position, Gary is eating that cake and crying.

Classic
Amy Said,
HA…Maci and Ryan are my Ross and Rachel too! He is such a creep, but man do I want them back together.

Awesome recap…first thing I check in the morning at work, real emails can wait.
Amber Said,
Haha! Classic as always. Funny how you shouted out to Babycenter…that’s how I found this website! I love it!

I was also confused why April called them ignorant bitches, she was like a kid who got told she couldn’t have any candy before supper…with a potty mouth =P
elizabeth Said,
I mean she’s a real God-damn machine out there on the dance floor.

so friggin awesome
cait Said,
hahaha i love this blog even more than the show.

did no one notice maci driving on the highway with no hands, since the one was holding a cell phone, and the other kept wiping tears away? there was even that one shot where she closed her eyes and leaned her head back and put her hand on her forehead. all while bint-lee was sleeping in the back seat. where the hell is child services?

also, who else cringes with utter fascination every time Debra goes into her freaky gaspy never-ending baby talk routine?
Becs Said,
Cait,

Debra’s baby talk makes me want to claw my ears off. Her name is Sophia, not “baby!”

And “albino Care Bear?” Freaking genius.
Jessica Said,
The only thing that bothered me about this blog was the “who gets Bentley on the seventh day” uhm hello its not difficult. 3 days to Ryan, 3 days to Maci then the 3 days for Ryan starts over…. heller….. not difficult. Anywho, this is an awesome blog, Just wish there was one written by an actual FAN too… lol I mean I guess your a “fan” but not a fan of liking the show, from your standpoint im pretty sure you hate it. lmao. But you give a good laugh once a week.
Robin Said,
Ryan doesn’t want more time with Bint-Lee, his parents do! They are the ones egging him on and paying the legal fees & child support. I read the look his girlfriend shot him as, “Wow, is this how shitty you’re gonna treat me after I have our baby?” because without a job, you know he can’t afford condoms. Her first clue to run should be when she is paying for all their dates, but I guess that’s a small price to pay to be on MTV. Not that Maci’s much better. Ryan has every right to have Bint-Lee 50% of the time whether he pays child support or not.

I wanted to see Amber slap the shit out of Gary on her birthday. Nothing like a little domestic abuse to celebrate the aging process.

If I had my choise of moms between Debra or April, I’d choose April. Debra has crazy eyes. Thank goodness the therapist’s assistant watched Sophia or else we would have had to listen to Debra baby talk over the therapist and Farrah during the whole session.
Jenifefa Said,
All the Roseanne references were killing me! LOL! And you’re right, Gary has never once passed up a chance to eat cake in his life!
Carmella Said,
I seriously can’t get enough of this show either. I was obsessed before but now I am even more excited to watch it so that I can read your blog.

Your reference to precious had me peeing in my pants. And yes I agree Butch and April need their own show. I wonder if they have facebook pages?

Funny you mention Baby Center cause that’s how I discovered your blog. Your Blog was the hot topic of my birthboard. Us moms need and appreciate a good laugh often.
Julie Said,
Have you seen this?!?
http://starcasm.net/archives/31202
casey Said,
I love the shit out of you.
Heather Said,
I absolutely love your recaps. Are you writing like Holden Caulfield on purpose??
Kim Said,
Did anyone else think Catelynn and Tyler just stole their crowns from Burger King? I’m guessing that’s where they went for their pre-prom dinner.
mkf Said,
Has anyone else noticed that Ryan always YAWNS while he’s talking? Is that a nervous habit or is he so tired from sitting on the couch all day and doing nothing? And BTW–why are all the guys always in bed when MTV films–these kids need to learn that sofas are a good place to sit as well. And, really? Caitlyn and Tyler were chosen for Prom Q & K ? Come on MTV–we’re not stupid!
Cheryl Said,
I absolutely LOVE this blog. I laugh so hard every time.
Angie Said,
Im still trying to figure out how Ryan would take care of his kid. it seems it would get in the way of him either eating or yawning. that is all he does.
Andrea Said,
I cannot get enough of your Roseanne = Amber comments. Seriously the best part of your blog…keep it up! My husband just heard me laughing like an idiot…wtg
Sara Said,
I can’t stand that they faked the whole prom king and queen situation! The real king is dancing right behind them!! Tyler doesn’t even go to that school, he goes to an alternative school because he failed out in 9th grade. What a stupid story to make up!!!
kelly Said,
@ sara…. I think that guy was just wearing a top hat. It looked like those crowns were made out of paper though.
Jacquie Said,
Babycenter moms love your blog!
Kim Said,
Love your recaps! Love your sarcasm.

April is horrid. I hope shes just acting the cracked out mom part to make MTV keep filming her. If that’s how’s she’s in real life cate better run.
Jessica Said,
And another thing, “He looks like he stinks of underachievement and Old Spice.”

Best. Line. Ever.
Brooke Said,
“all whilst little Sophia has somehow crawled up onto the counter and is basically sitting on a 2×4″…..

will you marry me?
KS Said,
Ha ha!!! I thought the same thing as the above poster (Robin) – although thank holy heavens the therapists assistant watched Sophia during the therapy session, had she not, Debra might have been commited when they heard her saying “der’s my baby gooooooooooooo….. oh….. der’s shooooooeeeyyyyyy, we need to stawt potty twaining baby gooooooooooooooo, ahhhhhhhh yucko!” Then again, think of the spin-off aside from “Living Large in White Trash America with April & Butch.” We could call it “Learning Grown-up Talk in Therapy.”
Ashley Said,
Love the recap, I look forward to it every week!
BTW, thanks for the shout out, I am a BabyCenter mom and learned about your blog from my birth board and am now officially addicted! Keep up the great work! =)
Steph Said,
I LOVE the Roseanne comments. I sat here laughing like crazy! Oh, and I was introduced to this blog from Babycenter too! I’ve since passed it on to several friends!

Thanks!!
Katie Said,
Ole, P.V., ole! I was seriously depressed after this epsiode, but then I immediately went to IBBB and was instantly refreshed. While you cannot get enough of Dan, Roseanne, Bint-Lee and the CareBear, I cannot get enough of your blog. Please never leave my life!
RADgirl Said,
I love this show. But just an FYI–i know they were shopping at DEB for prom dresses–but in that part of MI, there really aren’t that many places to go for fancy flammable formal wear.
cait Said,
hahahaha omg butch actually looks better in his mug shot than in real life. that’s priceless.

http://starcasm.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/ButchBaltierraMugshot-480×360.jpg
Erin Said,
Did anyone else notice Maci kept taking her hands off of the wheel while she was crying and “driving” after Ryan told her he (I mean his parents) wants more time with Bint-lee? I was scared that she was going to lose control of the car and kill Bint-lee and herself. What would have been even more disappointing is that she would have wrecked her new car and not the two-tone Celica she was always driving around.

Also, I’m glad that I’m not the only one who thought the prom king/queen crowns that Tyler and Five-head won looked like they were from Burger King.
Franklin Said,
Old Spice makes some DAMN GOOD deodorant, okay?
Anonymous Said,
thanks for mentioning the baby center moms we absolutely love you!
LisaP Said,
these recaps are hilarious (jersey shore too). i even read rhnj even though i don’t watch the show.

can anyone imagine coming in the room wearing your prom dress and seeing your mother curled up, scowling on the couch like april was? and how OLD is she. she looks 50 and i bet she is 32. what a horror show.
Victoria Said,
OMG I love your blog, your recaps are so hysterical!
Mel Said,
Ryan is still the most priceless a** on the show. Where in the hell did he find that lawyer? ‘We can get an injunction that says that she can’t move more than 100 miles away and Nashvillie is 120 miles away. And if she controls the child she controls you’. Really? I mean seriously. If I were poor Maci I would move 99 miles away, eat the 21 mile commute, and tell both of them to go *&#! themselves just to be the spiteful human that I am. And as far as I checked, someone needs to control Ryan because the little s*** certainly can’t control himself. Bentley is almost 2 and he just NOW realized that diapers cost money? Holy crap. Imagine. $80K for the next 16 years isn’t crap. But he can afford to go out every. damn. night. I really think it’s that weird ass girlfriend of his and the parents both. Won’t she be in for a surprise when she realizes that if he has B 50/50 that her life won’t be sleeping for 2 – 3 hours while she is over there during the day. Those two are made for each other. Maci – RUN girl. Get the hell away from him as fast as you can. B doesn’t need his daddy – he needs a male figure in his life who has a job and some kind of future. Ky may look like an albino care bear, but at least he isn’t a total d bag.
Bobbi Said,
The irony of Gary (aka Dan) wearing the Aero ATHETICS (really?!?) shirt was apparently lost by me the first go around after noticing it on the repeated epsiode last night. HA!
Bobbi Said,
I meant ATHLETICS…duh.